2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Growing Up With A Serial Killer w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Mon, 06 Jan 2025
SPONSORS: Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. Try VIIA! https://viia.co/BEARS and use code BEARS! Visit http://BlueChew.com to receive your first month FREE! Download the CFO’s Guide to AI and Machine Learning at https://NetSuite.com/BEARS. WHAT'S Errybody?! Welcome back to 2 Bears, 1 Cave! This week, Tom Segura and Bort Kreysher are joined by Ari Shaffir! The trio talk about Shaq's habit of Facetiming on the toilet, before deep diving into the drama surrounding Brianna Chickenfry and Zach Bryan. Forgiving and forgetting is impossible for some people to do, ya know? The three guys next get into Ari's new special and return to Netflix, which gets interrupted by Bert going on a tangent about beefing with Black Twitter. They also discuss Protect Our Parks, making Joe Rogan proud, compliments from black people, Bert's bench bet, insurance being a total scam, serial killer fantasies, alternative news, and weirdo evil dudes like Diddy and Jared the Subway Guy. Enjoy! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 270 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, (800) 327-5050 or visit http://gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Please Gamble Responsibly. 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org (CT) or visit http://www.mdgamblinghelp.org (MD). 21+ and present in most states. (18+ DC/KY/NH/WY). Void in ONT/OR/NH. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min. $5 bet. Max. $200 issued as non-withdrawable Bonus Bets that expire in 7 days (168 hours). Stake removed from payout. Terms: http://dkng.co/dk-offer-terms. Ends 2/9/25 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: Who is the guest on this episode?
And welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Our next guest has a new special dropping on Netflix on January 14th. It's called America's Sweetheart. Yeah, that's what I am. Ari Shaffir.
Thanks, guys. Good to be here. Nice to see you boys again. Good to see you. Congratulations. Congrats. Thank you. You excited? I'm pretty excited, yeah.
When did you shoot this one?
April in D.C. End of April.
Chapter 2: What funny stories do they share about Shaquille O'Neal?
I'm always curious, as a self-destructive comic, what are your intentions for this special? As someone who doesn't care about making money, touring, keeping ticket prices low, and kind of likes to blow up their own career, what are you hoping comes out of this special? Good question. Do you want Bradley Cooper to call you and be like, you're so talented? No.
No. No, that's not what I'm thinking. That would be bad. Okay. Hey, it's Brad. We could get a phone call one day.
It's Brad. Which one? He FaceTimes.
He FaceTimes. He just FaceTimes. What a geezer. Oh, he's awesome. That's what my mom does. That's what I do. FaceTimes? That's what Shaq does. He does FaceTime. Really? I FaceTime everyone. If I was Shaq, I would just FaceTime straight to dick all the time.
Wow. Well, how could you not? It's such a bold move. I know. He FaceTimed me taking a shit one time. He was taking a shit? Yeah. What? I would love to see. And I was on stage. How big are his dumps? That's what I'm saying. I want to see that bowl. Yeah. I got videos. Of his shits? You don't have a video of his shit.
I'm almost certain I do.
So he showed you the bowl?
No, hold on.
You went in there afterwards? Just kind of sniffed around? Doesn't have an auto flusher?
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Chapter 3: What is the drama surrounding Brianna Chicken Fry and Zach Bryan?
I saw that this morning and I was like, you got to go to the hospital. Yeah, that definitely sucks. Were you searching? No, it just came up. All that's in my feed right now, all that's in my feed is Shane Gillis clips, Theo Vaughn clips. The Shane Gillis ones come nonstop. Nonstop. Shane, yeah. The fucking CEO shooter. See you. Brianna Chicken Fry. Brianna Chicken Fry. Brianna Chicken Fry.
You know, are you familiar with the Brianna Chicken Fry thing?
Say her name.
Brianna Chicken Fry. Say her name. Am I saying it wrong? Say it again. Brianna Chicken Fry.
Yeah, you're saying it wrong. Well, you say it.
Brianna Chicken Fry. Huh?
I'm talking about Brianna Taylor.
Who the fuck are you talking about?
Say her name.
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Chapter 4: How does fame affect relationships?
Oh, I know.
Okay, wait.
That was what it said. I mean, we're really splitting hairs over a fucking name? Make believe me?
I mean... That's a good point. That's a good point. It's not a real name.
Yeah, Brie LaPaglia. Who is she? She had a podcast with Grace O'Malley. Okay. And I guess Zach Bryan. Who's hotter? Did she used to hang out at the store?
Did she go to the store? No, really? I mean, she would get a lot of attention at the store. Maybe I'm thinking of somebody else.
Here's the deal. Do you know any of the gossip? Because I want to run it all by you and see what you think. Run it by me. I don't. So Zach Bryan. I'm going to jump in and throw my two cents in. Okay. You're talking about two cents. I'm all ears. Okay.
Okay.
So do I get you up to three?
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Chapter 5: What are the challenges of being in the public eye?
The dynamic is way off because without his guitar... He's doing anything she asks of him.
No, he's changing her tires. It looks like a guy that would fill up the tires at the shop, and then she'd be like, thank you. She's gorgeous. And that would be the highlight of his day. You see that chick pull him, and I filled up her tires. She's so hot. Bro, tell us about what she smelled like. Yeah, exactly.
That would be the full story for her. She is absolutely beautiful. She really is. And he's, you know... I just don't see, if he's not a country western star, him getting her. He doesn't look country, also.
He looks like Michael Bublé type of music.
Nah, he is. He's country. He is. He's really talented.
Is that we're all fishing in the same boat?
Anyway, they break up. Okay. He says, yo, $12 million. Let's never talk about this relationship again.
Wait, wait, wait. He just gave her $12 million? You gotta sign an NDA. Okay. Why? She's already recorded everything. Wow.
How much money does he make? The tour grossed $199 million. Wow, that's a lot, Zach. I take everything I said back about him. I think he's so good looking. Right behind Bad Bunny. and talented and I'm a big fan. Coldplay is too.
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Chapter 6: What insights do they offer on forgiveness and forgetting?
Have any of these bitches done a year of featuring on the road to hopefully turn 10 into a headline gig? I can't tell you that. I don't know the answer to that. I don't know the answer to that. But I like them together. I like them separate. I kind of like Zach Bryan's music. My question is, is it worth the 12 million? Do you sign it, shut your mouth, never say a fucking word?
Well, her circumstances come into play in that decision. Yeah, how much does she already have? There's the integrity of my silence, but it's also like, if she was working at Burger King serving chicken fries, and someone's like, here's $12 million, you probably would take it. Well, we know what you got. I'm saying she's probably in a good position to be able to do that, too.
How much do you think she makes on a podcast over a bar store? I have no fucking idea. $2 million a year? I don't know. Enough where it didn't sway her to jump on it.
Yeah, if you offer Rogan $12 million, he was like, oh, here's you. I'll give it to you. Can I tell you? I just had that random one. Here's what...
bothered me in this whole thing okay is i i listened to her podcast where she talks about what it was like dating zach she opens up she kind of slams him pretty aggressively we used to film him and he'd get weird about it no she didn't say that what was her problem he just he wasn't a good boyfriend and you have those that you have those but here you go i've sold my silence for nothing before there's people that we had bad issues with that we sold for nothing we just don't talk
And then the other part is that she opened up everything and I was like, It's better not to talk sometimes.
How bad do you want sometimes for just someone to hack your phone and release it? Like, I didn't put it out. And all the darkest shit. You more than anybody.
I am so fucking vindictive. I am so fucking vengeful. It's so hard for me to forgive and forget. Because it's like, you know why? And you know this, and you know this. Is that I get put in a situation where they... And this is why I identify with her. Where I get taken advantage of and put in a weird compromising situation and they just go, fuck him. Fuck him. What's he going to do?
And you just go, because I'm a nice guy, you think I'm weak. Fucking. And so this whole thing kind of fucking bothered me. Because part of me was like, don't take the money and don't say a fucking word. I didn't realize you were this invested in this.
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Chapter 7: How do they approach the topic of comedy and audience reactions?
Wait, what? Andrew Schultz called Kendrick Lamar.
Oh. Oh, Jesus Christ. What a dumb argument that was. It was based on nothing. It wasn't even like, don't talk about black chicks. I don't know. Andrew's just funny about it. And then Kendrick's like a baby. Did he respond? Kendrick?
To Schultz's response? I think his fans did. Oh, the fans did.
What?
You've had those guys come after you before, Corey.
Oh, my God. It's so dumb. They're so dumb. The dumbest of those are so dumb. Of those. Yeah, they've come out to me pretty hard, but it's like they just get mad about disrespect on a level like, I don't even know what you're talking about.
There's this new thing, too, that people do. That is in this world where if somebody goes, like, if they would find that story, they see a video, and somebody goes, wait, what is, like, what's the story here? A fan will always go, this is none of your business. Stay out of other people's business. And you're like, what? This is a fucking public platform. People are like, it doesn't involve you.
And you're like, huh? I'm not on the street. Yeah, this is just, I want to know what the story is here. And they're like, not for you. Oh, okay. How do you know about me? I'll just ask somebody else. Thanks. Does Blue Chew work? If you're asking that question, we want you to know that Blue Chew is putting their money where their mouth is by giving you a month free.
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Chapter 8: What are their thoughts on the importance of privacy in relationships?
Oh, it's the best. It's fun, though.
you're like you find more joy in that it's just get a rise out of people it's just so fun to deal with just like it rises it's fun to throw a grenade into a room shut the door and walk away and go i don't care what happens yeah let's see them all fight yeah i mean i'm not good at it i stay offline really kind of entirely here's one for the fans if you want to any comedian you meet yeah if you want to fuck with them all you gotta say is oh dude i love you're my second favorite comedian
If you say you're one of my favorites, they'll take that. Second favorite, they will all ask who it is, who's number one, and then hit them with anything you want. Just see how they react.
Or the other one that gets comedians to go like, wait, what? Is if you go, you know who you remind me of? Oh, no. And then they'll be like, because all the comedians will do is think of whoever the five best comedians are. And they'll be like, one of them, right?
Picture of Lenny Bruce prior.
And as soon as you say somebody who isn't, they're like, wait, what? You reminded me of who? And that will get any comic fired up. You remind me of, and then just say anybody. Anybody who's not one of the elite five. Always gets a reaction. By the way, can you do, because you were doing a really awesome impression before we started.
Oh, yeah.
Of who? Of Winston Churchill.
Great world leader. Yeah, let me do it. Let's do it. Get your glasses on. You might want to turn around and come back. I think that's usually how it works.
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