Ari Shaffir
Appearances
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
On paper, I thought, I was like, this is going to be incredible. Honestly, kind of like slam ball. Yeah. On the trampoline. Slam ball was pretty great. I thought it was going to be incredible. They would take a fucking bull. XFL, trash, roller derby, trash.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
That was a curveball, and I was like, wow. How old is she? Well, you should have investigated.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It's the producers going like, we don't know. We'd love to find out. There's only one way to find out. I didn't feel like 16. I felt weird. Yeah, that's... But that law that they passed, it is helpful. I think it's good, yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
When they went to pass the law, you protested. Because any other time, you'd be like, yeah, go ahead, get rid of it. Until you're horny. Yeah. Then when you're horny, you go, what the fuck have they done? That's what I'm saying. What have they taken from us?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
The pie was in the window sill, and you were going...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I announced the pie. You said I'm going to pie.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You needed me there to pull your hips.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
And you can remember this when you're back on.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Oh, you went into it sexual. I went into it strictly for the game. You went for the love. Sounds like a cool sport.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You shouldn't be seeing wild ladies. Yeah. This isn't even like a normal.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Last time I tried it, it was a month. It was in Edinburgh. It started in Ireland. And it was one night. Some old skank was like, I was like, nah. But then I was like, shut up. Because like three days later, I'm like, I'm not beating off. No porn or nothing. And then like two weeks later, I was like, just open to meeting people.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
And he was like, you want to hang out? I was like, yes, I do. Let's hang out. I'd like to. I'd love to talk to you. Let's go out. Yeah. So Ari, you've got the new special coming out. You were just in the Blockbuster, Nosferatu. What else? What's next? What's next? I thought the movie was about Africa when I heard the title of it. It's a fair guess. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I thought it was like, I was like, oh, cool. Like, you know, yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
i thought it was something like lying i swear to god i'm not being silly i thought it was a lion king spinoff i was like see what nosferatu i thought it was like mufasa it was a lot about gay fucking yeah i'm like what the hell it was gay sex it was a lot about gay innuendo gay fucking oh dang i was excited to see that remember that salt lake city uh documentary about that guy who who stole that kid and fucked her and then the parents like hey where's our kid yes hilarious and then he fucked the mom you know what i mean yeah and then later the dad was like
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Guy ruled. And then kidnapped the daughter or something. Was that the same one where he was like, I'm an alien? Yeah, I think so. Put her in the back of an RV with a walkie-talkie. It was like, this is from outer space. You have to have sex.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
The Utes are, yeah. But that's what Nosferatu is, pretty much. He's fucking everybody. What? Making them all jealous of each other. Is he a horny fucking vampire? Yeah, everywhere else was horny, and then it was all about, like, love triangle, and, like...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I'm like, yeah, I take that one chick and they just launch her. Yeah, that's fun. And then someone else is like, close line. You're like, oh, fuck, why'd you launch me? Yeah, it's nice.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, that's like prison. Right? No, no, no. It's not like prison because in prison you only have the option of gay sex. Yeah, but you've, you know. You justified that quick, bro. It's prison. You're in a prison of eternity. I think you get bored and you're like, none of this matters. There's no God. I'm not going to heaven. True. That part's out. Yeah, but also you're a vampire. You're very gay.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You've got to dress gay. Flying around.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Dude, no names in the national title. I can't wait to see what they do.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You'd give it up. Yeah, true. And then if you were like a villager, you'd be like, I want to fuck Nosferatu.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Just get like a job. Yeah, that'd be pretty tight. Yeah, yeah. Does he just appear in people's rooms at night or something? No, they have to go find him. They find him and he fucks them? He appeared in this one chick's, spoiler alert, he cheered at this one chick's dreams and like fucked her when she was probably like 11 or something, but like adult back then. Romania adult. Probably 13.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
In the movie? Yeah. yeah and then like disappeared but pretty much just subtext going wait for me i'll test you she goes i will and then 30 years she's gone she's like well i found another guy and he was like no that's not cool and then calls for that other guy and fucks the guy fucks and bleeds him oh sick yeah well little fucky sucky little fucking suck
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
They're all kind of, yeah, they're either giant butch lesbians or giant straight sluts. Yeah, true. You know.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
And then just so he can tell the lady, he's like, oh, your husband, he's not.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I fucked your husband and killed him.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Didn't kill him, sent him back. As like a bitch, as like a punk. That's what they say in prison, right, Nate? Is it punk?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I ain't no punk, I'm a, you a new fool.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
yeah what's uh yeah it was like girls they wear like you know i mean they have like throwback tattoos of yeah they were like um what's that word i'm looking for uh what's it betty rockabilly is that it no burlesque i'm thinking of burlesque dancers yeah it's very much burlesque dancers wrestling each other yeah burlesque dance you've ever felt you've ever gotten into that
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You ever felt bad about it, like the machinist? The what? He felt bad. He was like, I'd rather be in there.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah. Chief status, sir. It's true. He's doing well. He was kind of a top boy.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Oh, which is like, yeah. Yeah, he was. He was just like. That's what they call his butt. The jizz lane. You know SPR.org? No, what's that? It's supposed to be for understanding and stuff, but it's stopprisonrape.org. And it was just like survivor's tales and stuff. You're not supposed to laugh
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
for months at a time at it but yeah it's like poems and stuff what is a poem about the number seven the seventh guy to gang rape him and he goes that's when i fell in love because he was nice oh my he whispered he whispered this will be over soon he goes oh this guy cares holy shit yeah it's really crazy man they get in there and they go full like girlfriend mode and it's like and dudes are just like kind of pumped to be a girlfriend
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Which, it sucks that that's what it is and it's not Shot Caller. You know what I mean? The movie Shot Caller, the guy gets a DUI and becomes the head of the Nazis. That's everybody's dream. Every white man's dream is one day I'll get a DUI and become the head Nazi in a prison. Yeah, because you have to. But in reality, you're going to get a DUI and just be a punk.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You don't have to? No, you don't have to be a punk. What if you're good looking? What if you're a dreamboat?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I'd be punked. No way. What's the nod? You? No, just definitely not you. Oh. You think guys would fuck you? I hope not. I hope not, Shane. I'm not looking for it. But you said you'd be punked. You'd be a punk. I feel like I would. Of the three of us? No, you first. You're the cutest. I would be punked. You're the most handsome. How would you avoid it?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Oh, you'd be fucked in there. Like Klinger from Ash? You'd get fucked in there. I know. I'm like, I'm bald.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah. Who wants to get filter fish for protection?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
yeah what does happen to the jews in there that you just have to join the arian brotherhood no they don't want them and the blacks don't want them you're technically others but i think a lot of jews probably join up with white people and they usually kind of keep it like i had a uh remember those amazing racist videos so a white power website found it the white white revolution.com and so they loved it but also they didn't love this so the headline was jew boys got the right idea yeah that's funny yeah
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah. I don't know if Jew Man would have been nice. Yeah, true, true. Come on, some respect. Didn't have to diminish you. Put some respect on her name.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
i've had to do stand-up shows at some of those and again something i thought i'd be into the exactly you see the dancing you know it's the same as stand-up fucking the low-level ones they're like please come free drinks yeah yeah burlesque is pretty i like yeah the same way i'm like oh yeah it's gonna be awesome and you're like this is this sucks i don't even want to see these girls do this and you're like take it all off like we don't take it all off we take some off
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
hail storm what's the storm front storm front what storm front isn't that the that's the white nationalist is it really yeah that's their like publication i think so this is what else we got going on
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Oh, yeah. You've been getting... Yeah, maca root, dude. If you take maca root... You've been performance enhancing.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I'll get hard right now. Let's change the arc of this podcast. That'd be pretty tight. I don't know. These guys are battling. You've got boners. You've got a special. I'm playing hell that loose. They got a new hat. That's it. Pretty much. But don't you think they should have ops? These guys, yeah. I think there should be some conflict. What's ops? Opposition.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
They should be battling their contemporaries.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I don't know how you've tricked everybody into thinking you're some nice fucking guy. I hate it. Everybody's always around me. They're like, Ari's great. He's so nice. He helps other cops. I know he's a fucking devil. Only when the cameras are on, I'll give a dollar to an open mic-er. You're a sack of shit. And then I'll take it back. Well, yeah, it's exciting stuff, dude. Thanks.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
yeah who do you think you match up with in the the squad the kill tony squad versus you guys maybe like uh aaron it's got to be it's a lot yeah blouse the man dude he might i know he's cool he ain't gonna do to you i think i could take already maddie versus james mccann we got yeah we got to battle our foreigners yeah the foreigners neighbors Cam. I mean, I guess LaMare.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Well, finish off Belial fast. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I mean, LaMare's getting winded fast. No, he's the juggernaut.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Just run at them with his hands out. Yeah. That's the Gardini guarantee. It's a good guarantee. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
All I got is hell let loose. You're a subject master.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, he was hitting him with like, you're a young guy. He's like, I'm an old guy. I've been around. What you've done is pretty impressive so far. Good job, son. He just beat him. Fuck off. And then he beat him. Was he negative though?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
The coach has a straight. He was just saying, oh, I wish I had hair like that. He's like, how old are you, man? God damn. So nice. You're so young. That's pretty funny. Just kind of like. Kind of a nice psych out. I think he might have been trying to get in his head. That's a nice psych out. Yeah, it's kind of nice. Because you know he feels that. I don't belong. I don't belong.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, it's like librarians. It is. Librarians showing their fucking underwear.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I lost to Northern Illinois University. Matt, have we discussed that clip? What? You called it. What? When Notre Dame lost to Northern Illinois. Yeah, they're going to fucking come back here. Fucking shit's over. Yeah, you called me a girl. Got to burn it down. I said this is a girlfriend opinion. But I also did say I agree with it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I was like, right now you're giving me a girlfriend? Because after the loss, I was like, this is like a season. This is like a five-year loss. This is going to cost us. It's not just you lost to Clemson. Yeah. I thought it was like programs fucked for five years. If not for the 12th team playoff. And then Matt was like. It's a galvanizing moment.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Matt was like, or they could come together in unity with this shared depression and rise out of it and go undefeated. That's what he said. I was like, Matt, I love you, but that's a girlfriend opinion.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
and then i said also deep down inside yes i 100 believe that that is what is going to happen you see him at the press conference after penn state he was saying that about oh yeah yeah whatever they came together and then he panned over to the to them to like the stars he goes like i'll take an answer this one and it's just two children oh yeah yeah we did our best yeah yeah That's Riley Lane.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
That's the quarterback. He's a good Christian boy. Really? A young boy just having fun for the Lord. That's awesome.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
They're not masturbating. They're not watching porn. They're not having sex. I don't think they are. I don't want to comment on the boys' jacket off.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Why are you doing this? Does Dewey Decimal not pay well?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Get this. This is the first I'm hearing about this.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
No. I stand strongly against burlesque. We're against that. What else is going on?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Plug a show. Rip it, bro. Hurry up. And don't be weird and bashful. Talk like a man. Hello. Get in front of the fucking camera and talk.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
March 20th, I'll be in Manchester in the UK. I was supposed to only do Dublin and London, but my greedy agents wanted me also to do another show. So I'm doing an arena in Manchester on a Thursday. Please come. It's gonna be awesome. It is gonna be fun. But no, I'm trying to think. Matt, what's going on, dude? Fired up.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Renizzisi's mom and dad told me that. Because they had Vatican III, they were like, people were upset. And they're like, we remember our parents going, that's not Christianity. You don't face us. That's crazy. Was Vatican II in the 30s? Or when was that? I thought it was in the 50s or 60s. 50s or 60s, I thought. Oh, okay.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
And the priest went, oh. Yeah, he went, I like you. God, I didn't know what was going on in here. I didn't know it was popular. How old are they? That was the big come up of Vatican II was just turn around. That was the big.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
And it was Latin mass, yeah. Changed from Latin to English.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, they shake their tits with tassels on them. In front of other weirdos, like five weirdos in a room. Yeah. Long haired, skinny boyfriends just sitting there and just. They always have those scarves that don't actually warm them. Yeah. It's just loose feathers. Decorative scarf. Yeah. Something's flying right now. This podcast is flying. I can feel it. We're going to catch something.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I want to get a good homily. What's a homily? Give me one. I'm open for it. The homily is just when the priest reads something, and then he breaks it down. Yeah, he reads the Bible. This is basically the message for this week. It's for our Torah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
And then it'll be like, you know- The non-Jibberish part. Uh-huh. And then it's like, you know- What you should take from that. Your part. We're talking about your part. Oh, the non-Jibberish part. The Jibberish part. Why am I the Jibberish part? No, we like the New Testament part.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Don't you have like six guys saying the same shit in different words? No. Mark and Tony and Bobby and whatever? Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, dude, don't fucking disrespect the boys. I don't even know what the fucking Torah... What do you guys do? What do you know what we do? I don't even know what you guys do. Pray. Just Star Wars. It's the same thing.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It's like the past is just weak. They were battling in the desert. What can we learn from that? It's that, hey, if you have sand up your ass, maybe you should also wipe or whatever. Whatever the message is.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
That was so fucking sick. Honestly, that's what me and my friends do. Go to a bar once a week and go, dude, senior year, we could have beat Lancaster Catholic. That battle with Lancaster Catholic. Huh? What else is going on? That's pretty much all we did, too.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It just wasn't right socially. It was not right. Pissed off a lot of people. Angry people pissed off. Nice people it made happy. But it was tough to talk to you. As long as I could talk sideways to you. The best at the cellar, we'd all be talking and someone would be over there. And it'd be like five minutes of Matty Wiener. And then you're like this.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
What? No, I was just trying to have a real conversation with you. Yeah, you're just being silly.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
How did that go? A lot of angry people got mad? A lot of angry customers, dude.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It is funny. John's got to find him in a room like Taken when he finds his daughter. Yeah, this is good stuff.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Let's let's talk. Hell let loose. The newest hit video game in my mind. Oh, yeah. Hell let loose. I've been playing as the Nazis.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Nice, nice. He should just keep making them the exact same story, just with different cartoon characters. That'd be sweet. Heathcliff, you got to go to Heathcliff.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, you showed me the drawings.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
course you are you were like you need a cheat code i won't be regular show me the cheat code you don't get to pick which team they put you on but when i do get the nazis a part of me goes i love it shane's like i'll just i'll work the chambers no i'll just work all sims it true do they have the chambers in the game No. It's realistic, bro. They didn't exist. It's a realistic game.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You want to sell some tickets? There was a lot of homies. Yeah, I had 45 minutes.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I know. Because I was going to say, if you were in Atlanta, you'd see them. I know, that's what I was... And they would all sass you.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, it's fucking nice. I do like that.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
dude she hates me i i uber or whatever uh door dashed a thermometer she's like 102 or what i was like 106 shit 106 in park she's one of the black person has a fever i have a fever of 106 in park 106 in park that'd be so dangerous but dude she had a fucking she had the flu did she ever hit you back with i told you you need to drink water yes yeah i mean i'm in that deadlock right now every day
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Have you drank enough water? All I do is drink water. I chug water. Don't talk to me about drinking water.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It is offensive when someone's like, do you drink any water? Yeah, of course I do. What do I smell like?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
dude they don't drink water they're literally cats that was her fucking that was like her hamster bottle i'm like peeping the level i'm like dude it went down that much yeah you had a sip of water some fucking water i'm sorry i'm like so then my sister she has to put those fucking like flavors flavor packs it's like just drink the fucking drink the fucking water not everything has to be soda they won't do it it's crazy i get plenty of water in my soda and beer and coffee they hit you with the every woman hits you with the fucking i didn't get a good night's sleep
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
What are you laughing about? It's a realistic game. Too realistic.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It fucking sucks to be a chick. It does suck to be a chick.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
did you every single lady rejects the show why do you do why do i gotta do the thing i love doing and i do for money yeah and then you knew was coming on the schedule for three months straight you knew it's coming why do i do it i go out every oh why are you doing and then there's no show weekends like what do you want to do let's just watch let's just watch some shows yeah that's what you need to be home for that yeah
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It's so funny when you talk to old Europeans about it, and they're like, we were talking about the Slovaks, they took it too, and a lot of different people took it hard, and they're like, the gypsies too, and everyone's like, yeah, but they deserve it. Even the Jews are like, come on. Who in your family died in the Holocaust? None of them that I knew. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, obviously.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Oh, I got a good one. That got me. I did San Antonio and Dallas, and I like to come out to dire straits, money for nothing. Nice. Usually hits. When it doesn't hit, I felt like a real turd. I was expecting a very ruckus applause. Yeah. Kind of mediocre. I just walked out. I was like, hey, guys. That was pretty intense, huh? Who was that guitarist, Shane? That's pretty sick. It's nice.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
That guy is one of the ugliest rock stars in the world. I've never seen him. He just hit before MTV. The lead singer of Dire Straits. The guy from Genesis. They both couldn't have existed once MTV came around. Who from Genesis? The main guy, not the one who left, but the one who stayed.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
He was in an interview once. He goes, I could never make it now. I'm so ugly. I'm mutually gifted. I don't know how to comb my hair. Dire Straits is some ugly-ass bull.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Wow, wow. Dire Straits. Oh, wow. Let me see. I know. They're not the worst crew. That guy sucks. That guy sucks. I could see you guys coming over as a rock star.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
What's his name? Dee Snider was the brother. He was an ugly-ass bull. Mm-hmm. Yeah ugly rock stars a sick life cuz also love making up for lost time Yeah, this is what I should have done in high school true. Yeah, then some Twisted sister looks like fucking even fighters Really? It kind of give me in finance vibes.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, this guy seems like one of the ugly Dee Snider, that's why they have a big hair to cover it up.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, I Dee Snider's a name that I've always heard of, but I'm like, I don't know where I'm supposed to know him from. I think Twisted Sister. Who the fuck is Twisted Sister? What's her second biggest hit? We're not gonna take it. What's her second biggest hit? And then it's... Every rose, every rose. Why would you even look at me?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
That's a good one. The kids are back. Nobody knows that one. Yeah, you do. It was in, I think it was in Jackass. Sing it all the way through. Toast to Sister Rules. No one knows this yet. This was in Jackass. This is good. I think I know the chorus.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
All my dad's greater family, none of his direct. Damn, just like cousins and stuff. Like 35 of them gone. Your grandpa? He survived. Grandma, grandpa, dad, all sisters, and then one of the grandma's brothers.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It hit him hard. It did hit him hard. Late 90s, early 2000s.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It was Tony Hawk era. No, Tony Hawk was way before the 90s.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I saw them at Webster Hall once. Yeah. Did you really? Yeah, it was pretty cool.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Damn, that was legitimately a great act out of a musician. Musical instrument.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah. It was really good. Nailed it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Please, don't get shy, bro. I know you're shy. Wet your whistle. Wow. The end was incredible. Took that all the way in. Yeah, really pulled it. That's a bold move.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah. You need redemption at the national title. I know, to kick the ball. What do you think about heading down Atlanta way on a Monday to kick a field goal for the national title? I might have to. You tried when it missed? Yeah. It was close. How many yards? It was fucking pretty far, dude. It was probably like a 30-yard field goal. 30-yard. Nobody's watching. Nobody's trying to block. No.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Thousands of people. Millions of people on TV. Nobody's blocking, though. No. It's a free kick.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It would have helped. Yeah. Yeah, true.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I would have elevated a little bit. 30 yards.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
How close were you? It was a good boot, dude. It was... Did you try one? No. Because you knew you wouldn't do it. I would have fallen down. Charlie Browned yourself. The weirdest part was I went for it. So every week, college game day, they pick a college student to kick. And if the kid makes it, they give them like half a million dollars or $200,000. Damn. Because the kids never make it really.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
But Matt went on and kicked it just kind of like as a fun one. And then the kid... who kicked it, tried as hard as he fell twice. Fell? Yeah, it was slippery, dude. It was slippery. I would have torn my ACL doing that. I saw a big dog do that on game day. I heard about that. He was warming up for it and fucking ripped his knee. And got hurt. Wow. Got a couple of brewskis. It's slick.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You go, I got to kick this. Everyone's watching.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, he was trying to kick through.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
That's when you can get your leg up to there though. Whoa, chill. Yo, chill, bro.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yes. I should have just done that. Fuck. You are accurate. Fuck. Yes. Maybe. Damn it. One of the best ones I saw was in Australia, Aussie football game. And then halftime, they had this thing where you have to go up and do a fair catch. And then they try to hit you. And so they had a guy with a mattress hitting people. Like, do a fair catch. We're going to mattress fucking pummel you.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Oh, see if you can do it? Yeah. One guy missed. You know, they pummel them. Another guy, like, catches it. falls over, and everyone's like, he got it! And then the ball just rolls away, and we're all like, he's out. Game time went like that, and the ball just slowly went away. There was a third guy who was gonna go, and they're like, game's over, game's over. Fuck that guy up. Oh, man.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I mean, that's a really evil thing to say. No, it's just funny.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I got into the slap league algorithm this week.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
No, I thought they all got knocked out.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Every time it's Dana White, like, I can't believe that happened. He wasn't guarding himself. He was going to get slapped.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It is disarming when a guy slaps a guy and he doesn't move and he's like, oh, I'm going to fuck you up, bitch. He's about to slap you next.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
yes dude i'm hip you are this guy out of control last night he met joe burrow and goes where did you go to school lsu you fool i'm sorry yeah and he doesn't even know the diplomats yeah diplomats i thought that was like public knowledge diplo yeah he's cool he's not not quite what is that local they were just like an earth like a 2000 oh boy hey ma
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
What is that? I'm just saying, it's kind of weird. Suss? How'd you get out of that? Well, I regret that joke. I regret that one already. It's so funny.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Is Jim Jones the one who gave out his number? That was Mike Jones. Sorry, go ahead. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It's tough to get hard at that age. Sorry, I missed it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Woke up rock hard this morning. I was delighted. Yeah, morning when you don't need it. It's great. I tried my best to use it. I get a boner with my dog a lot. You get a boner around your dog? Dogs like cuddling sometimes. I'm just like fucking. Straight body heat. Trying to move it away from him. Yeah. But he knows. He knows. More masks than before. Yeah. He loves it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
He's like, yeah, you better fucking roll over.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, you better fucking sit, dude. You felt your fucking dad's body. Sit. What kind of dog do you have? Just like this size. Yo, flesh. Sweet little flashlight, that dog. Oh, yeah. Little fleshy. Were you about to say you think your dad ever had a boner while you were chilling? Yeah, do you think? All of us, right? Definitely. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah. Especially when you think about it, there were 30-something. They weren't even, like, old. Oh, yeah, for sure. Exactly. They were, like, a young man.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, it sucks though because you wake up in the morning and you're like, damn, this is the hardest I've ever been. And then you walk to the bathroom or the shower and you see you're fully erect and you go, God. Damn, I thought this thing was bigger. This thing felt so much bigger than it is.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Just kind of wobbles while you walk.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You were trying to bend a boner? Like real tough and trying to like... No, dude. Oh, yeah. That's great. You do? Oh, yeah. Nice.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
My brother's kid started saying sus. He's like eight. And my brother was like, he's so creative. And I'm like, that's like a term. He goes, oh, fuck. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You can try to. Just try to. Yeah, squeeze it to the top, you know, like one of those pixie sticks. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
No, I don't fucking bend my bones. You're an absolute creep. I know. I know. That's crazy. That's disgusting. I would never do that. I thought I was kidding you. I would never do that. That was a good boner check-in. Just check in on everybody's rock hard boner. How are you doing? Because that is a non-boner outfit you're wearing.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, because that's when it's the most fun. You have a couple drinks, you go, I don't give a fuck what I look like. I don't care how I sound.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
A little buzz, you go, hey, that's no problem. How about a sober no? How could you? I thought you loved me.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
And what would you do if I said no? You would literally cry. If you asked me to go down on you and I said no, you would cry. No, I don't want it anymore.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Fortnite. Yeah, the Fortnite dance rules.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
No sex involved, no hand. I like to reserve the option. That's the McRib. The beach comes out once in a blue moon and you go, the McRib is back. Start to finish. I don't know where it came from. Nobody even told me it was coming. That's the point of the bending. That's the period. That's the time.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Everyone hits it the whole time.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I'm on period. Great. Oh, now I owe you.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
We're all with you. No one's ever gotten period head in a relationship. We see you. You are seen. We're holding space.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
They're cranky, dude. They're not going to give head. That's the perfect time for it. That's the best head. The cranky head. Nice. Yeah, just catching a sigh. It doesn't matter. I got a hot breath. Yeah, your little fucking nasty ass sigh actually felt good.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Definitely. Is this good for you when you don't like it? Yeah, it's surprising. It is.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It's a motherfucking bull. Yeah, there's no local dialect anymore. Philly's hold on strong. That's about it. Philly's got it. They're losing it. You don't have it. You don't have it. Matt has it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
No, my bad. What page are you on? Wait. No, I've been on the pie page. Did she just say it? Oh, yeah. Did she say it? Oh, dude.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I'm not going to ask. She said something.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You've always had to call the pie.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I held off very late in life. So did I. So did I. I'll give it a K. I fear the pie.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
And then they go, she can't get pregnant. I'm like, why? She didn't last time. You got lucky the first time.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Congratulations on the special. It's awesome. Thanks. I'm digging the vibes in here today. Me too, dude. Very NPR-esque. I think so, too. Oh, yeah, wow. Very low, very... You think we're going NPR right now? I think we're going a little quiet. I like that, yeah. I don't mind it. How about this? Hey, say, hey, welcome, Ari again. Hey, welcome Omar Shafir. Thanks Shane, thanks Matt.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I still fear the pie. Right now, I feel like... Nate's a little fucking thick ass. I know you're pying. I love the pie.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Back it up. That is fucked up, dude. You out yet? You'll know when I'm out.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
There's no feng shui in this place.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, maybe. He might have the fucking reverse beep too.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
If I had to guess who it was, I'd say it was a dump truck. He's pulling out.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Matty, Matty Ricardo. Yeah, he gets fired.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
what's johnny dip up to right now is johnny dip he got fat he got fat yeah he got chubbed really yeah he's not getting drained anymore yeah true i mean he is for sure but he got chubby last time i saw did he really yeah not like kind of powerful to like defeat your wife in court and then get fat He was so cool in court. And what's this tin can for? He goes, it's for Coke. You know what it's for?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
He said, she said. It was really just like having your friends like bitch at each other in front of you.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Was the crime abuse? Was the crime like libel? Was the crime that he lost? Didn't he lose like Pirates of the Caribbean and all that shit? From her? From her saying this guy's a scumbag? And then suing him. I was like, no, not Captain Jack Sparrow.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
She was a bitch, legally. The United States says she's a bitch.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, she wanted a female judge for sure. that was a good one no female judge might have hurt her might have because she was like she's a young young cutie he's misunderstood oh yeah if it's an old lady turn on the bed though that was damning evidence turn on the bed man on my bed and then wrote your name in my name in shit on the wall Yeah. Or blood? I don't remember.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I think she cut herself and burned it in blood.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
The bed's fucked up. It wasn't on the door.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Cutting yourself is like, no you didn't. Too much Shakespeare. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the same thing. It's like, I haven't shit the bed. I haven't show this weekend. You're lying. You didn't cut yourself. Yeah. Shit in the bed to prove his shit. I haven't show this weekend. I haven't show this weekend. You're trying to ruin it right now.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It's just that behavior was just like, it's Fort Lauderdale trash. That's all they were. Yeah. yeah well anyway yeah let's uh let's switch over to the patreon the page yes go watch ari shafir's special on netflix yes watch all the way through enjoy it yeah people from manchester england come to my show oh when you go on manchester rules yeah in match yeah please come yes please
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah. Really? I'll tell you about fucking a hundred pounds off. You'll get to 100 pounds off soon. Yeah, when I'm dead. What do you use, imagination? For what? To ejaculate. Wait, were you just watching porn for the cinematography? No, no, no. I was obviously masturbating to it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You've been there. You do it now. I still do.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I do too. You look cute. Wow. What a great interview.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It is the white wife effect. Holy shit, dude. You are dressed like a fucking old white man. I am wearing a 9-11 shirt. Please show the people the drip. Wow. That is fully white New Balances, light jeans. That's not even a 9-11. Bro. That's not even an eagle. What is that? That ain't an eagle. That's a crow. Damn, bro. You're onked out.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Your pancake butt. I donated that. You get the fucking white flapjacks.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
They bind Nate's ass. are you wearing spanks how is it like that i just lost it this is what we needed the podcast needed oh my god uh you look good thank you thank you you do look good i actually i genuinely think you look great the sweatshirts yeah yeah since i've been back you've been much more reserved and quiet It's not good. Did you get molested?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It's been a pleasure. I've been listening to you guys for a long time. I got to check out your special last night and wow, what a special treat that was. Thank you. That's an honor. When you interviewed Charlie Rose, that was one of the greatest interviews I've ever seen.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You weren't here to protect them, Shane. I know. I think you left them all. The Kill Tony crew molested my sweet boys. You've been running a train on guard dogs.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
screaming screaming bitches that's when no conflict nate started right there oh guard dog called him no conflict nate because they were you guys need ops and the kill tony crew was perfect for you guys you guys need to battle with them that's not bad we're gonna switch
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Guard Dog wanted conflict. Nate said, I don't want any conflict.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
We're here. Wow, you guys missed an incredible joke. Wow. We're here live with the Ari Shafir. Thanks, guys. He's got a new special out on Netflix called America's Sweetheart. Yeah, that's what I am.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, you need to be nasty. I like you nasty. I like you being mean. Nate, I've never known you angry.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
You've always been pretty chill.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I've got it. I know, but now it comes out. It was funny watching Guard Dog.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I think he was actually a bisexual bipolar. Oh, damn. That actually might be true. I can't remember. That's unipolar. Yeah, it comes back.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
It was transgressive. Wait, what's that word? Don't worry about it. Against aggressive trans. Oh, right, right, right.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I was going to say, I think that might be, it might've been a lover's quarrel.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
That's what you need, though. That's the best way to do open mics is with open conflict with somebody else in the room. So then you go on stage and do stand up at them, which is so embarrassing to do while fighting at any enemy in general watches in the worst room. We're like, well, we're all failing here. And it's like, you suck. You're next. Yeah, you're on next. And you suck. We're both here.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Six of us. I'm going to whisper it to somebody next to me. I'm going to go, this guy fucking sucks. God, I miss open mics where you had to pretend to listen until you get on and you could stop. The best was going to those mics that everyone just was done pretending. No one listened. Like the raven towards the end. People were just. Fell apart. It was just a bar.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Raven Lounge. Yeah, but it was like...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
If you did healing him, usually on a Thursday, you would go to Reagan.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
My name's Transgressive. Transgressive.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
H. Not Foley? He was a big dog, but he was not nearly.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
There's a lot of big dogs up there.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Kevin Ryan did a good job surrounding himself with big dogs. True. Kevin Ryan really is like that six chick who's hanging around with fours. It's crazy. He's like, he's fat as fuck, dude. He's fat as fuck. And he's like, no, I'm so thin. I'm like, bro. The whole time he's just talking to H. Foley about being fat. It's so fucking funny. I never even thought about it. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
His guise was totally effective. It's a great move, dude. It's so good. So I had the mayor in the pool house. Now I'm fucked. It's a unit out there.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Yeah, I used to think it was going to be so cool.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
The law here does help with that, obviously.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
Because you don't, I mean, if you sink so low as to go to X videos. It's so embarrassing going on. Which sites are still available in Texas? You're disgusting. Yeah, you got to go through like the ninth grade. Where did I used to jack off? I know. There's a lot more hidden camera videos on those. There's a lot of illegal stuff. There's a lot of stuff.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)
I saw one that was just, it said, how old is she? What? Yeah. That was the title? That was the title. I wasn't even searching anything. That was just on the menu. Just for the record.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The one that's in the closet. Real good looking guy. But he goes back to like, oh, he's going to like blow it up. And then the missile comes at him.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, no, no. More recent one. Daniel Craig. Daniel Craig, yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Because I've met gays before.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. He acts gay about that?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's gay. He's just a gay. But anyway, who cares? I know what you're saying. I don't care.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
And in every magazine he's ever been in or interview, it's a homosexual man. It's like they have him. No. They're everywhere. Really? Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. It was a Joss A. Bank. Yeah. They wore Wilson's leather. Yeah, but he died one. He died. Yeah, at the end. It was Tom Ford. At the end of the last one.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's not tricking. It's giving.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's where all the rich Syrian Jews live.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Hey, we got all these Zen pouches or whatever.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's amazing they can start up that fire. I've been camping, and it's difficult with some starter logs.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
We didn't get a flamethrower. How do you throw that together?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Like, can you believe this?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Let's make a deal.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Everyone tried to do it. Almost everybody died. Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Like that guy. It's not that.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I waited 20 minutes for my soup to come.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
What if it was clothes?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Imagine getting the rights to get up to the Eiffel Tower and be like, hey, guys, I'm going to test something. If you did that now, they'd be like.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
i i'm hoping that like elon with the deregulation just like that there are going to be just some of what slapstick yeah slapstick just i got two my complete accidents i got two good ones really one was the guy who did the segue everyone else just showed the blueprints he's like no no i'm bringing it in yeah it made everybody ride it the patent office they're like that's cool show that it doesn't infringe on any of the patents yeah the best one
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He killed himself.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Famously.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
What's happening? Nothing. It seems like more than nothing. This is why you're leaving the podcast. This kind of unprofessionalism. You just said Pete and ran off. That's not why I'm leaving the podcast.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Oh, and so you called for Pete before taking care of it yourself? Pete. Pete. Pete. My throaty hurts. Here is the best inventions. Okay. The number one. This is the only one. I shouldn't have pluralized it. A method of inducing birth through use of centrifugal force.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's one of those stirrup things. The middle is where the head is. It spins so the head stays in place. Everything else spins. There's a net at the end of your legs. So you just spin, spin, spin until the baby just goes shh.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The net's right there.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Listen, it's not about whether it works or not.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Are you eventually dragging the baby along the net?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, so the baby's in the net. So you probably have to have something under it too because when you slow down, it would then fall.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That is a circus ass way to be born. That is the Ringling Brothers style. It's definitely a dude event.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Well, before you can no longer do plugs. What are you going to do with your time? Yeah, it's called America's Sweetheart. It's on Netflix. Just leave it alone for a second, dude. What do you mean? I have been leaving it alone for a second. I want to get back to it. Yeah. What are you going to do with my time?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just him quietly. Yeah, if you got an automatic litter box. How does this go?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's audio-only. And then you take this thing and try to go this way with that.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
You can die here.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I'm not, I moved on.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I love that you guys connect. I love that you can overlook his stupidity and his butt-heartedness and still see him as a human.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I haven't seen it. If you're a big fat guy, you die at 47. Rest in peace, Burt Kreischer. Is this coming out in one year?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just mad at the president of the United States.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Go take a walk outside. It's crazy. It's so fun to see somebody riled up and you're like, oh, I don't care. I'm doing this thing.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Like, how could you not know about the Columbia statistician and the two women?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Like, I don't know. I don't know. Is that real? There was like a guy in a college in Columbia. Somebody came in all steamy. I was talking to Michelle Wolf. Somebody comes in all steamy like...
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Did you hear about this guy at Columbia? And he went back to work. I'm just trying to catch up with my friend.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just because I look like me. Yeah. But not because of like... You're walking too slow.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's usually attached to a sticker that says peel here. Wait, you see this holographic thing? Is that what the blue light filter is?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's embarrassing.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Scandinavian. Scando. That's a derogatory term for them. Guys, I would send a pair of these jeans...
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
What you looking at, Scando? I'm sorry, man. Get the hell out of here, Scando.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's a type of pants that prevents us from doing the Holocaust.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
We ain't changing our government.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Take them off. Okay, but you're not going to like it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Why did you have to guess what on that? I'm literally wearing them right now. You're wearing perfect jeans? Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Number one, here's what makes these perfect. The name of them. Yeah. That's about as far as it goes.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Guess what? I'm standing up. Yeah. Guess what, listeners? I just sat down.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. You didn't really give him a chance to guess, though. Everyone at home is like, come on.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's not enough time.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I do have incredibly big balls and they push out to save space for those.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Not so tight in the ball. A lot of times if you get ball space, then you're getting way baggy. You want something that's normal in the waist, but then a little bit of ball space. Why does it have to be connected? I don't get it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I only buy clothes before a special.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
You can just ask the driver his name as you roll up the window every time. Yeah. And what's your last name?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
His is Jew jeans right now. Yeah. With a second in command to the Coen's.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, Chaim Levy.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I think it's time for you to quit anyway. Yeah, probably. Your heart hasn't been in it for a while. No, it has not. Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Come Town was a good show. This was a good spite show for a while.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
it was all right yeah and then the the anger fades and you're like why am i still doing this exactly yeah like what am i still exactly there was a time when i went i was really mad at bobby lee and then every time i try to embarrass him every conversation he was in i try to like get in there like but he's stupid right you guys listen to this dumb fucking idiot like and then at some point i remember not having the energy to do that right he was in a conversation i was like but he's just a small korean man it's like what are you doing yeah it's like getting mad at akiya
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. How long are you going to do a podcast with a retard?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Can't believe you made him put on the jeans.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
They were nice enough to send. They were nice enough. They're good jeans.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Are those actually perfect jeans? Yeah, they are.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
They had in a long time ago. And they haven't for quite some time. So I'm just wearing them out of the love.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, it says, fuck your khakis. Fuck your khakis.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
What is going on with this podcast?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's the kind of script you throw into a movie window. Yeah, right.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Why are all these people there? It shouldn't just be dignitaries.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Who the fuck are these people?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Take your engagement ring off.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
What do you engage to, Reddit? No, I don't. Let's see it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It should be an African guy dressed like Lieutenant Worf. I was a dignitary at my buddy's wedding. I married him off to a squirrel. It should be a black guy wearing that.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Off, off, off.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Can you also put a side-by-side of him next to someone with regular-sized nipples? Uh-huh. I've got really small nipples. Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The journey is the reward. The journey away is really the reward.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
What? You look pretty flawless right now. I don't feel comfortable not wearing a shirt. Your back goes up. Oh, you got a fucking chest when you do that. Go back again. No, no, no. But that's not bad. Yeah, that looks tough.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Can you get him a Joe Rogan-shaped cowbell?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Sure, absolutely.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, he's bulimic now. It'll help. Is he bulimic? Yeah, he's been throwing up. It's his new fad diet where he barfs it out. Yeah, he did the only meat for a while. And now he's like, go to the champs. Go to bulimia. But he goes, you got to do kale and stuff. You can't just do ice cream. You got to go like... That would be hilarious.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Lieutenant Worf. Congratulations, Mr. President.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I can totally see him selling that. No, the nutrients are going through your cheeks and you lose the needless calories.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, what are all these people coming back like, I'm not even from here. I'm going to Molland. I'm going to get on Kiltoni. That's a lot of immigrants. Kiltoni getting deported right back. You should just have him come out of a cage.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
You can exit through the audience or back into the cage. You got trafficked by a coyote to do Kiltoni.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Let's just finish this up.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Is it going away, or just that they didn't know?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just send a free thing.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's these fucking Native Americans who work the lodge there.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, they're all Comanche over there.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Are these chairs going to be on there?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, yeah. Which was Tom Fontana. The one who created it? No. He created Oz. What a great show. He's the creator of Oz, yeah. Oh, Oz was also good.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
And also Life in the Street, Homicide Life in the Street.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just in case. Whoa, it's a file cabinet.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Okay. Barry Levinson. I thought Barry Levinson created it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Maryland native, Barry Levinson, one of our greats.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I've had beef with Stav. Really? Yeah. Korean barbecue? Yeah. He takes me all around.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, it represents a promise that if you get here before December 27th, 2024, we will give you this.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I'll be updating format.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He gets turned around on the train.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The Jew. They always go straight to like legalese to try to fix their social problems.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's like, ooh. Was it SUV? It was SUV. Yeah, but one of them, he got turned around on the subway. Was it Robin Williams or was it the original guy they wanted for it? You know when the subway turns, you get fall and then it spins you. So like your body, it's over. It's spun. Your legs are still. What are you talking about? Sorry. One of these types of shows. Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
A character fell into the subway or got pushed. Your body spun, so you're still alive, but we're going to have to move this. As soon as we move the train, you're going to spill out. And so then it was like he had to call his wife. I thought it was Robin Williams played that.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Once they let her out, it's like she's going to go. No, no, no.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
What's that? If I could have him what?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's over.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
We're coming back. We're wet laying in wait. By the way, we're keeping track of what you say about Israel.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Get out now before the revenge starts. Exactly. Got like eight Hamas left and they're coming for you.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
This was at the supermarket by my dad's house. You got it down to a dollar.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
You notice where one building ends and another start? What's up here? I don't know.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, exactly the way I checked IDs.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Let's just get some of these true bubbles. Oh Dude, I wish I was. So wait, you're going to interview one person a week? So the episodes will be like beginning. What are they going to be? Talks or like hard-hitting interviews? Getting to know somebody. Have you seen the interviews?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Oh, great. What is it, though? Is it like a fuck around?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's not going to go anywhere. Yeah, yeah. Maybe AI it. Yeah, sure. Yeah, we could AI it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Dude, you're like fully retiring. You and Tim Dillon should do something together. I keep saying it. I'll say it once a year. You guys just work on something together.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, it's like most of Brooklyn. Yeah, I suppose. Used to be cool, and then it's fucking guys with tattoos pushing strollers like homosexuals. Those are young parents.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just go to Jerry Seinfeld's house, baby.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I love how he has a house in New York. Yeah. Like, yeah, he's got a guy from up. Yeah. It's a house in a city.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just go to Tim Dillon's house. Just go away. I don't want you here at my house. Do everything he tells you to do. Don't worry about the part that you forgot after the rag went on your face.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Oh, today we're going.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's pretty close. Yeah, like that. She's also Queen Elizabeth. I don't know what her voice sounded like.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The throat. What's the new interview show going to be called?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, I'm saying for you to fucking take off. Oh, yeah. Why? Does it sound bad? I was worried about it. No, as you were saying that, I was like, oh, my God, I've heard people promote stuff so many times. I've done it so many times. But you weren't listening to the words. Right. It tunes you out. And then I'm realizing, like, oh, I've done that, too. And then I'm like, look at this guy.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's not going to have to deal with that shit anymore.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. Because your mind's not here. It's there. Yeah, yeah. It's there in that litter box.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Cat's been taken.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Ferret. Because his owner's going to be weird.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. Oh, so it won't relate to it as much.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's just really, really autobiographical. You keep John Arbuckle? Yeah, it's still John there. It still has John Arbuckle.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
So they just made the witch a black chick? No, she's green. Oh, green, right.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Oh, really? In 3D. Where do you put glasses on?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I saw that. It was like blowing smoke at you.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I'm going to re-watch that. I'm going to go home and re-watch that. God, you have so much time.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I think I might start running too.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
But right now you're in the twilight of your retirement where everything's possible. You're not gonna, but everything's possible.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
If you're going to tour average, you're fine. Yeah, about six weeks. Do you use sleeping Snoopy as your motivation to get going? Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's just napping.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Oh, okay. Look, he's not.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's doing jazzercise. Oh, that's pretty cool. Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
My mom's in there. What do we got? We've got kickoff. I mean, you're not going to miss this. All right, stop it. Having to read stuff off a piece of paper. I have to do it, and I don't know how to read.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I think he killed himself to keep forgetting about Diddy's Parties. Yeah, it's all connected.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's great that he listens to podcasts. He's able to use the computer and stuff.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
And kind of just alone in a hotel room for a while.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I would like my tenants to be able to fucking pass their first inspection, you know, be able to get them easier. What are you inspecting?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, a few. And then some of them comes in with like a seven, single digit seven, like 709 or below. And it's like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. High level people.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The worst guy?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, I made sure there was a ping pong table in there.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's an investment.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
And you named it like Israel?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. You named it Jewish village?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Semen village. There's a new spinoff.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
And I'm like, what?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
What do you mean? The litter box?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just stay. Try it like an accent or a character of some kind. You know, get lost in that. Yeah, shake off the credit hangover.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
try another one okay think about the character first though uh don't just do it on the fly you're a guy he's new to town okay he's new to town he wants to kind of take over but he's not sure if he wants to go the wall street route or business route um and now he's here and his credits messed up go
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Ripple in time.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, this guy's not racist. Yeah, this guy, no, it's a different guy. Move on.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Let's squash it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I'm not racist. I called the Filipino guy that, too.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben, please. You hear Tony's a queer now?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I've only had two beers.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He seems fine to me, guys.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I'm okay to drive home. I only had two beers. Ben really contained himself this time, huh?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
All right, Ben.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
See you later, buddy. Watch out. Watch out.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
All right.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Just try it with no powers.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
If you want to see more of this riffing, find out where Nick gets his oatmeal from and meet him in the bodega. Check out Come Town, a podcast that was on many years ago.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's everywhere. I'm about to take down all my old episodes of my old podcast. Why? Because you got an SNL? I'm in trouble.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I don't know until it happens.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I don't think people get in trouble anymore. You know I can't stamp Chinese people. We used to say terrible things. Someone's married now. I'm sure we talked about hookers or some shit. Really? Well, I don't even know what the lines are. Who? I don't know. It had to be somebody specific.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I said it on every episode. I just timed it out. So I bet you one will be right. I started with 2024, so 10 years in. What would be the reaction? People would just be like, whoa. Duncan would do that at the end of every set in LA for like two months. He goes, thanks everybody. By the way, this week there will be a major earthquake. Goodbye. And then like every like seven months it happened.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
And you know people are like, what the fuck?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That guy called it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's pretty cool. Yeah. It's creative, that guy.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
How are you stopping this podcast?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's still podcasting.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. I'm going on Trigonometry. All this creativity could go towards some of the best scripts in history. I'm the third host on Trigonometry.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's still podcasting.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's learned the buttons for like, yeah, he hits his butt. He's like, ah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. So Gur is like in a hospital room with him.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. Burt was always fat, but now it's a new level.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Who's Dan?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
His body?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, he did. I've seen too many men lose their legs. Grant. I just finished Grant. He does look like a statue that would get taken down eventually. The Dan Soder statue. Why is this even still up? What are we even celebrating?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I just kicked some blacks out of the counter.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Don't worry, boys. Watts only today.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Did he think the statue was his dead dad?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, he did.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I saw that thing. Doggy. No.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He just changed the name.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
A place like this.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Welcome to this world. Welcome to Bob's Big Boy. Yeah, Cracker Barrel's next. And then Poe Boys if you want to upscale it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, he's crushing it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, he's crushing it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He just knows how to play a lot better. It's when Ben Stein's money, but it's when Lewis wins.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Doggy, doggy. Are you sure?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I think you're jealous of Lewis.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It basically is.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's 48 Minutes to Home, according to my Google Maps.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, really? Yeah. He finally got a shot.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, really? You know she's a billion? She's a billion dollars. Years old. She was around when I was in high school.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's huge-ass.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Then she relaunched as a sex symbol. I'm like, wait, the one from my childhood? She makes great music. Yeah, gay guys love her.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I can see you looking out your window and being annoyed at people walking by for a while. Going through a phase like that.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's so stoked to get away from this place.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The feng shui in here is crazy. There's so much wasted space, and he's like, I need a tighter corner. Don't start on that.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's not bad. Yeah. You should come in here just to come to the door and then go, nope, and smile and turn around and walk back out.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
You're starting a new chapter in your life.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
This is when you go to one set of footprints.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, it was always one set. He was always one set. He was always carrying me.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Wow, and you got him. Yeah, Jadakiss for real.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I have, I guess, one question.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, I had long COVID. I have bad memory. Here's my one question.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, and he's in there. And to him, it's a stool.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Who's Jadakiss? Judakiss?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, you're thinking of like Kanye West.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Jay Da Kiss.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No, give me a song I would know.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
We Gon' Make It. Big Willie style.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Was he on that one?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I know that one. That's not him.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I do know that one. You said, give me a song that I know. We're going to be all right. It's not bad. The Diswrap.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The Diswrap on Kanye. I know that one.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's a great song.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Does he paint his face all white and black like a cat?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Oh, you've never seen Lost? I've never watched The Walking Dead. Don't bother with Lost. It's not worth it. It gets bad. The first two seasons are awesome.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's another one where it's like, don't even get it. The endings are so bad. You're like, it's not worth it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Who doesn't watch? Yeah. We had Neil deGrasse Tyson. Really?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's so big. I like how people are like, we should talk to him. I'm like, he knows. This boy talking to Zach is like talking to someone who's working on the Fukushima plant behind that door. Like, you okay? They're like, no. I'm just riding this out.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Did Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about what went on at those Diddy parties? No, this was before.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's a great, like, just right away. Yeah. Nope. None of that.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
You know that guy? Yeah. Who on News Nation have you had on?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Jadakiss is probably the only one. Jadakiss probably, yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Okay, that's not bad.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Okay, well, we're not in... I guess there's one nearby. He's like, get it.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
One last ride. The guy was really great for a while. Get him. He's a New Yorker. De Niro? Robert De Niro. Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I love these old, like, tough guy actors now just, like, threatening, coming online. Like, why don't you come to my sandwich spot and I'll show you. Uh-huh.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Why would they have respect for him?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's an actor like all the other homos.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
De Niro? Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
This piece of information being devoured. Yeah.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah. Nice. Get one of those zero interest loans we get. How many do you have?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I was like, how many, how many are you? I'll say that. How many zero interest loans do you have?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
The rule is you can't charge a Jew interest. The rule is not you must give them money.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Jews don't get loans from other Jews.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
There's a Talmudic rule that if you loan money to another Jew, you can't charge them interest because it's like your brother. You wouldn't charge your brother interest. You'll go to Bank of America. Everyone there.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Obviously, I can't charge you interest.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
But then those guys who get to the Instagram accounts of the anti-Jew ones go, that's what I heard. Yeah, okay. I saw it written on meme form.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He said it like such a given.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
We all know. How many do you have? Of course you have a few, right?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's a passing of time. It's interesting. It feels like even though it's the right thing to do for sure, it still feels like since it's changing, it's like a moment of a touch of sadness. You feel that way? Yeah, a little bit. I only get that when I change apartments.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Let me get that cigarette. Finish.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's about an asshole.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
No. And the rest of the Jewish media. All right. All right. Welcome aboard.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Kanye, you were right, buddy. I've seen it from the inside. Everything you said came true.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I did take the time.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's a pretty big light. There's a clip right now in the back of Cavs with the nerd from Friends, whatever his name is, a swimmer. And he's doing an interview with the morning Kelly Ripa and her fucking gay husband. And they're like, we got a clip for you. And you can tell he's so not into it. And he's like, oh. And then they go to this clip, it's an old clip of Friends.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, she got deported. Yeah. Kelly Fistuka. Yeah, yeah. She's off doing all the blow in Australia. Yeah. She's doing one gram for $87,000.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Get your prostates checked. Take care of yourself. Spay and neuter your cats and dogs. Take care of each other.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
It's an audio-only podcast.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I've been in the summertime. Yeah. I wear less clothes, but. So what's his issue?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He has a family. I thought it was going to be a pro peace thing. No, no. It's old reliable.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Once again.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Well, tell your dad he's not coming back. The one that doesn't quit. Enjoy living with no Kobe for the rest of his life.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
He's brought it super cold and breaking down already.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Really? What did they say?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, he said not to take off and Kobe made them take off.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Was I in London?
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Also important to know. They told me they were going to break up this podcast. Important to know. They succeeded.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
uh yeah i was not trans just the the past gender at all they do clown core with the freckles dots is that a gender nose no it's nothing it's like it's another it just sounds like a nerd no they're cool they're cool they're cool yeah yeah they wouldn't quit on a podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I thought it was Simmons.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
I was using one of his reviews of me as in my bio because a quote was like, if you wanted to see someone pull their pants down for a braying audience, go see Ari. I'm like, yeah, great. What does braying mean? Like cheering in a donkey-like fashion.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
That's a great review.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Why go through his son? He's a good man.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Oh, yeah. That's right.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Yeah, right. The worst Willy Wonka. I've been dreaming of that my entire life. Director's cut.
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast
The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 90
Kind of like the spies used in World War II when they got caught.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
So I don't want anyone complaining. I didn't even know there were nude women until you sent me that one. Now it's all I can think about. Yeah. But yes, Kanye's music rules. That's what we should focus on.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
You've got to. But yeah, they're all lunatics. You can't judge them for anything other than the thing they put out.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
So yeah, Kanye's a little crazy, but he's, there's nothing else there. You're taking heroin out of the arts. It's true.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I got more into Kanye after all this, legitimately. Did you? As everything was coming up, and I was like, and then my friends would send me like, hey, I know he's supposed to be like, hates Jews or whatever, but have you heard this one song? And I'm like, oh my god, that's really good. How did I miss that one? It helped me focus on his music, and I was like, oh, his music, I'd pass by it.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I am a troll, so I can recognize it. He's just saying stuff that gets people upset. And it's also like, some of it's like high school level.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Hitler had some good ideas. Like, we were saying that in fifth grade, in a Jewish school, just to like tweak at each other.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
It's like, right, right, right. Yeah. It's just the easiest way to say something because people love because, you know, the Volkswagen was cool. Yeah.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah, pretty early on. We all were looking for a way away from radio. We can't cuss. And we have to wake up at 6 a.m. to do it. It sucked. It always sucked. You get some dumb fucking local... Local DJ didn't know anything. It was just kind of like, oh, what are we doing here? We came in cursed. Yeah.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And so then it was like, I wish there was a way to do this in the afternoon and then with cussing. But nothing was there. And then suddenly something popped our heads up, and comedians loved it. We drove right into it.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
We haven't done it for like 15 years. It's crazy how long it's been around at this point.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah, I was on Rogan's pretty early. Then like, probably a year later, I started my old one that I stopped. But like, I did that for like 10 or 12 years. And now this new one, it's just, it's just like, You have to become part of the landscape now. It's pretty wild.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
People didn't even know what they were. No. I would ask people to be a guest on my podcast. I'm like, what? What is that? It's like an internet radio thing. It won't be live. Just to explain the whole format. Yeah. Like, how? Like, that's not what I want to get into. Just when you come over, let me talk to you.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
They were just talking about what it used to be. That's when I started comedy. They kept talking about the 80s. Like, it was great. There were lines around the block. We were talking in a room that was supposed to have a show, but no one showed up in it. Like, wow, sounds amazing. Yes.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
It's great. It's great. Everybody's talking about it. Yeah, the podcast and the comedy. It's so popular around the world. In Amsterdam, every local show is packed. Really?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I do. So, comedy is really pretty cool. Even when you're just beginning, there's this occasional, like, free trip to a wild place.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. Me and my friend Paul Morrissey, we did this comedy festival in Montreux, Switzerland in, like, 2009 or 10. Yeah. Yeah. free trip out there. They room and board. We had them fly us back from Amsterdam. So then we're like, let's take the train to Amsterdam after that. And we just kind of made a deal with each other. Like, let's keep doing these.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I got flown to Hong Kong and Shanghai, um, Iceland. And these are all times where I could not afford these trips for sure.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. And then there's somebody there telling you like, I got the hotel for you where it's so scary. It's kind of like pre like easy internet.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Um, And everything's so frightening. They're like, oh, I got a hotel for you. I'll pick you up from the airport. And then they just tell you some details. In Shanghai, they're like, hey, it's really safe here. The punishments for violent crime are wild. Yeah, they are. It's like an embarrassment thing in this culture.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
So drunk women will fall asleep with their phone in their hand and wake up with their phone in their hand.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
It's crazy. Yeah. So once they told me that, I was like, oh, I'm free. And I would just wander out to a place I couldn't communicate. I learned the words to like beef and then I'm like, what beef? And then they point to a giant sign of like 30 different beef dishes. All right. Just guess. Not the dog. Not the dog. Yeah. I had dog once. I didn't have it, but I saw it on the menu once.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I was like, yeah. Like, what is that? They told me, I was like, what's that word? And they were like, And I was like, chicken? And they're like, no, no, bark, bark, bark. And I'm like, oh, that's all right. That's all right. I'll pass on the bark. It was like room temperature. You could tell it wasn't even fresh. It's like, this isn't even the time that I start with dog.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
You know the saying, like, would you ever try human meat? And I was like, well, okay, what did they do? They had to have done something wrong.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And then also, like, how's it prepared? Fine chef or just lying around? I'm not eating raw, like, alive, you know? But yes, it floated me all over. So it's, like, really great. And now I, like, book gigs, you know, even though I can't afford it. It's, like, trips through Europe. I did one tour in Greece and then stayed for, like, a week.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I matched up an Australian tour with this, like, rugby match. How did you like Australia? I love Australia. They're the biggest cokeheads in the world. They're the biggest cokeheads and with the worst coke. So if you meet an Australian outside of Australia, they're like, the coke is great here and it's so cheap.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
This is everybody. Do you like coke? No, I don't like it at all. Do you have some?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I'll go talk to him. I'll go talk to him. Get out of here.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
This is not Mushroom Mike. Mushroom Mike is nice. Broke Mike is a problem.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. And then I have a friend who started the Icelandic comedy scene, also named Ari. And so he was like, let's do a little tour. I'll leave my family for a couple of days. And he showed me the north and he knew all the little secret spots. He's like over Sheik Meadow here. I think there was like a fissure. I remember this when I was a kid and we found a rope. We just climbed down.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
It's just a hot spring, like a natural hot spring in this fissure.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. And like no one's there. You're just there swimming around and like in this hot water, like swimming, not just soaking in it. for like two hours and no one's, no one's there. Wow. It's so, it's, it's just so out there. Yeah.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. And they're forward thinking. You're like, can I buy you a drink? Like why all over Scandinavia? And I said, like, why would you mean, why would you buy me a drink?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah, they're so equal there. It's foreign to here.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Iceland, yeah. I like going to places where it's kind of like I can't communicate with anybody or I can't like... Yeah, exactly. Or I can't even talk to home. It's too far out where I'm really, really lost. Going through Southeast Asia, through Myanmar and East Timor and Indonesia. And South America, too, where I'm like, it's just real rural.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
You just have to try to get some of the language to where you can just order some food. You like a challenge. You like to travel where it's a bit of a challenge.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I like being uncomfortable. Yeah. And then Berlin also is great for drugs. Berlin is the best.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
It's wild. And nobody cares about anything negative. They only care about the positive. So there's no more like bitching about like, well, I raised this way and it was hard. They're all past that. Like, what are you into now? Yeah. So I saw somebody that was like, when I was there last time, there was somebody new to Berlin and they were like,
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
um well i'm non-binary and all these like trans chicks like oh nobody's talking about that anymore like they were like yeah grow up yeah we're all so far past that and there was like what are you into what kind of music do you like yeah we're not talking about that dumb anymore it's like yeah yeah it's like here in this country going i'm gay but who cares right this is 1987 we can't talk about gay anymore
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. And the drugs are crazy. And you just, you're walking on the street and you hear like music and you're looking at like the side of a building and you're like, what? And you're like, Oh, maybe that's a door. And you kind of push it. And there's a guy there going five euros.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And then you just go in there and then there's like some like industrial warehouse. Yeah.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
It's so cool. Dude, I've seen fat, naked people with just shoes and socks on, like, jumping up and down, dancing. I was, like, self-conscious about dancing. And then I'm like, oh, I'm fine. I don't even care. Yeah, there's that and there's a supermodel over there and you're like, this is nutty.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And then someone's getting their fucking dick sucked out of the body behind you and you're like, what?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah, there's a big sex club scene there too, huh? Yeah, but even the non-sex clubs are like, well, you can just fuck a little. Just do whatever.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. I've had, like, two hours into this one, I just passed some lady just on her knees, just, like, going after this guy. And I'm, like, two hours into this person, I'm like, yeah, whatever. I was just desensitized to it. I've seen fans disappear and bust.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
whoa yeah i've seen like wait where does that oh but like be cool be cool act like you've been here before yeah it was so hard i'm not cool be cool you're trying to look out of the side of your eyes like why don't i have sunglasses on yeah i know better like that
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yes, the first rule of nude beach, wear sunglasses. That's it. It's your friend. Hard, black, black or silver sunglasses.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
My favorite thing about Spain is the racism only against gypsies. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, we're like, gypsies. Like, don't say that word in here. And they're like, okay. And they're like, very on the surface about it. They're not trying to hide it. Like, they fucking suck. No gypsies allowed signs. I've heard that.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Everywhere in Barcelona, you see those Basque flags up. The separatist flags up. They want out, for sure.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Other people in Texas are like, Texas is a republic. It's not a state. And we're like, fuck off. You can call yourself whatever you want. And Iranians are Persian. Shut the fuck up.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Okay, we just had the Trippie Awards for the first year. I took these the first year. The best guest, best trip was Harlan Williams. He took a back of a National Geographic. He was throwing one out and he saw it and he saw a little sign that says, would you like to go around the world for 30 grand? And it was 35 day around the world trip. No way. 35 grand, 30 grand.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And it was you started in Los Angeles. You go west. You go to the Galapagos. You go to Easter Island. You go to, like, Tibet. Go to all these places. They take you on tours. They take you on different things as you're there. The Taj Mahal. It was so nutty.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
It was so nutty. It's a private plane for 70 people. And on the plane rides, they'd have, like, experts that were in National Geographic talk to you about, like, the new coming place. It was such a wild trip. And it's so funny with it. So it's like funny.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. He showed me a picture of some guy at the Taj Mahal picking his nose so far up. It's like his bottom is gone because I've never stopped thinking about this guy for 30 years. Where did his finger go? I thought maybe he had no finger, but he pulled it out so far. And then we've had some great ones. Joe Liss had one where he's trying to get a girlfriend back on the hike to Machu Picchu.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
he's like his ex-girlfriend he's like do you want to go like and she goes just as friends he goes yeah just as friends and then he hangs up he goes getting her back right yeah and then she getting like terrible diarrhea on the way he's just trying to like fuck her while she's yeah
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah, what I'm trying to do is fight back against all this divisiveness by including everyone and taking them away from the thing that's being divisive. And everyone, the response is a lot of like, how dare you? I'm done with you. And I'm like, I'm on your side. I'm making a guy who talks about something that makes you angry not talk about that thing. So all he did was we shared a love of travel.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
So I'm like, come in. We're not going to talk about politics at all. We're just going to talk about some fun place we've been. We shared. I met him once. And I met him. He did some little mini documentary on stand-up comedy. And so we all did remote interviews. My publicist was like, if you do this, we will never work with you again. I'm like, that's nuts. I'm not getting into that game. OK.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And so I just liked what I had to say. This is like theory that stand-up is hard now. Everyone's trying to come after us. I'm like, that's a little of that. But it's a great time. They forget. Right?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
with the atlanta hawks play it's going great it's everyone's doing fine yeah yeah so we liked it and he's like you know i'd like to meet you i'd like to use my pockets and i went up to his i was in maine for a family trip and i was like i'll come by and um and he goes well it's the day after the debate the biden and trump debate so we have to talk about that and i was like brother i don't care at all about politics i understand that's your thing if you talk about it you'll be talking to a brick wall i don't know anything about it i don't care about it it's boring to me
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And he goes, okay, then I'll wait till the next episode. Don't worry about it. And we just talked about other stuff. Talked about gospel music and all this, I don't know, Talmud. He was reading the Talmud. It was like fun. And then anyone who was like, I hate this, like, well, read it, watch it. It's pretty interesting.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
So on my podcast, he just talked about the UAE and the problems with it and the cool things he's seen there.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I like that. Yeah, it's funny. Week to week, people go... I can't believe you're this left leaning like hippie. And now I can't believe this right leaning Nazi. It's like, I'm not doing anything. I'm just trying to talk to fun people about cool places. They've been, I'm trying to make the world better. And you guys are stuck in that thing.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I think we're all at that point now where it's like, okay, we've all accepted. We're all, we got to now go. So now what?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. We know they're spying on us for ads. We know they're doing all these things. So now what?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah, and I try to think, like, you've got to focus on something good in every situation. So, like, Tucker Carlson's a good example. When I went on his podcast, the comments were, first, this guy's a heretic. He never read the New Testament, only the old. He's a lot like Christian. We were talking about the Talmud. There was a lot of, I'm done with you now, Ari, after this.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
There was a lot of, I'm done with you now, Tucker, after having this guy on. Like, we both got, like, thrown away by her audience for talking to each other. And it was like, you guys are, like, wild. And then you get an occasional, like, really interesting stuff. Never seen the side of either of you.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Let's make it a guy and girl so we can be inclusive today. It's a guy and a girl walking on the beach. And there's like a thousand starfish washed up from the high tide. They're all going to die, you know, because they're not in the water. Yeah. And it was like, this is weird. And so then one guy picks up one of the starfish and he like throws it back in the water.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
um and then they kind of walk inside and the girl's like what's that gonna do that's like it's not gonna make a dent and all these starfish yeah die and he goes what's gonna matter for that one starfish yeah that's true yeah you're right yeah so it's like you just gotta focus on yourself when everyone's doing that just go okay how can i reach across an aisle how can i just focus on something positive i i mean it's like it's kind of easy it's a five days on vacation one day rained
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
All right, I learned a new card game where we're stuck inside. That's fun. All of Modest Mouse music is this. It's just focusing on the positive part. And then your mental state is pretty nice. Instead of going, look at that Trump flag on that house, go, wow, look at that deck they built on that house.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Ari's getting to me. And then you start to like, your mental state goes higher and better. You're just like, you're in a good mood. You know those people who are like, one's always happy, one's always upset. There's one cooler to be around.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And he said, everybody's like, how do you like LA? He was there for a running job. He goes, I hate it. I'm like, what do you hate about it? There's no change of weather. It's like burritos only everywhere. It's fucking, the people are annoying. And then every party, people would ask him, how do you like L.A.? He got sick of saying the same reasons. So he goes, it's just a dumb conversation.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I hate L.A., but I want to say this every single party event. So he started saying, like, I like it, to have people just like, enough, I don't want to talk about it. And they go, what do you like about it? He goes, I don't know. There's no weather changes, you know, so it's good weather, good burritos.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And then, like, after he started saying it, he said for, like, a couple months, he started, like, liking L.A.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Sometimes the negative helps you where it's like, look, I'm barely getting by, but I'm doing better than some third world countries. You focus on that and then you're like, oh, I'm all right. I'm pretty good. I live in America. We have a lot of rights here. It's pretty cool. Well, let me ask you this, Ari, because there's term limits. You don't like a president.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I was hooking up with this chick in college a long time ago when Trump won the first time. This was eight years ago. Well, we had a little fling at a festival. And then so I asked her, she was in school in Florida. And I was like, what's like what are college kids saying about about Trump. Like, are you guys like real pissed? Cause that's like the bastion of like new liberals. Liberals.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. And she goes, you know, it's whatever. I'm like, what do you mean? She goes, he's got to be the president for four and eight years, but then he'll be gone. We also voted on legal weed and that got passed. And so that's here forever. So we're all pretty happy.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
We got a guy who's in and out and legal weed for, for the rest of our lives. So it was like, she was like a one.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
like let's say i don't follow either side i just i gave up on it so long ago i was like no aren't they all just crooks didn't we all agree government is gross yes people like yeah but they're the worst ones and i'm like guys just don't talk to them don't talk to you're like this guy murdered seven people this guy only murdered two it's like just go away from all of them it's like yeah but but it's like uh it's a lot of these people like they hate trump and they hate biden like
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
If he came into the room and he'd be like, I'm leaving, you wouldn't talk to him and say, hey, Indian Party going to Cuba. You wouldn't try to have some influence?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
You'd have to say hi, be pleasant, and not like, fuck you, bitch. It's like, great, you said your thing, you've gotten no change in the world. Yeah, I agree with you.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
and Trump, or not, then Kamala, and then Trump. Forgot Biden pulled out. But those are the last two presidents. So Biden and Trump in a room. And you're like, guys, let's talk. And then you bring them both drinks, you know, like, let's sit down, Sprite, Sprite. And then 30 minutes in, go, okay, guys, I have put Molly in both of your drinks. So should be hitting right about now. Too late.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
You're not going anywhere. So we're going to start liking each other. Yeah. Settle in. I'm going to put some music on. If you feel like dancing, you can dance. Go for it. Yeah. Biden, we got a walker for you. You're not going to fall. Guys, it's going to be great. Let me introduce you to Big Frida. And we will get up and we will go.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
We can get the entire government out there to do ayahuasca.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. I went on the Daily Wire yesterday, a few days ago.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
yeah and um and uh they're they're just as nuts as the as the left wing as the super hard where they're just like they have these talking points they haven't really thought them out they just have these talking points it's cool to see because i live in a liberal kind of bubble so i mostly only see the left wing ones but it's funny to see the right ones um but but uh one of the questions they had this stupid game show like would the world be better if every single person had to do have one psychedelic trip
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And then we're all connected. Oh, yeah. You feel like the tendrils of humanity all in the soil.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And he goes, I don't want to get addicted. I'm like, you're a dork. Nobody gets addicted. This isn't a 50s loser. We have more research now. You're not going to do them again for a year. Shut up.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
put go down to one backpack and um fantastic put a little bit stuff in storage get out of my apartment and just go travel south america no shit are you do you live in nashville or where do you live no i'm just here for the weekend right for shows i live in new york city in new york yeah so um yeah i just wanted to take a follow yeah what prompted this you're good like there's no health issues you're good you're this is just i just want to take a break yeah i finished a special i did my job then i did a little tour i'm in the middle of a little tour
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Tickets at archivier.com. We'll be in Atlanta. Oh, you're coming to Atlanta? Yeah, in March. Let me know. I'll give you nice tickets if you want.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
But yeah, and then I was like, I took care of work, and I just want to see the world.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Oh, yeah, you see these people. Anchor Walk, you see all these old people with canes, and it's nice they're still doing it, but like, you've done this at 35.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Once you get over like two or three weeks gone and you go to a second country, your anchor's not even from your old country. Your anchor's in like I don't have an anchor anymore. You know, go from Myanmar to like Thailand. You're like, I'm not coming from America anymore. Come from Myanmar. Oh, I'm just floating.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
So, I mean, does anyone look at that lady's trip and go lame?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I learned the words to like beef. And then I was like, what beef? And then they point to a giant sign of like 30 different beef dishes. All right. Just guess. Not the dog. Not the dog. Please. Yeah. I had dog once. I didn't have it, but I saw it on the menu once. Did you really? Yeah. Like, what is that? They told me, I was like, what's that word? And they were like, And I was like, chicken?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And they're like, no, no. Bark, bark, bark. Bark. And I'm like, oh, that's all right. That's all right.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah, it's pretty red. I got drunk yesterday. You got what? I got drunk the night before. Drunk yesterday.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I don't know. I've avoided Broadway this time. I'm in East Nashville for the first time, which is kind of cooler. There's still some crime, still some hipsters and some of the new gays are coming to try to take it back.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah, I got five. They're all great. Club Rules, it's a really cool place. Yeah, I got to hang out with Nate yesterday and his wife.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
No, we don't have the same market at all. He's so clean. We got along, but he's like, oh, I could never expose my audience. No, no.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Heck yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I'm just trying to get people to calm down a little bit.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
What a dress. I mean... Listen, you don't have to wear a giant coat if you wear anything underneath. You can just wear a t-shirt and a hoodie. That's it. It would make the same as a mink and a nothing.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
No doubt about that. Not one person was like, ooh, gross body. They were all like, I mean, the canvas is great.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
What the fuck does that mean?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
g,G. g,G. g. g. g, g. g, g, g, g, g, g
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Babies. They're such babies.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Oh, they're such babies. It's just like, it's okay.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Okay. Yeah. Okay, that's smart.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
We already triggered them.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
You know where comics fucked up is that they said like, we're just joking, we're just joking. And then they got super serious and political. And then the audience is like, well, how do I know when you are joking? Literally. What? Yeah.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I prefer, like, in a live show, somebody leaves angry, like, you suck, and they leave, and you just kind of watch them go, I mean, they're not wrong. Anyway, let's get back to it. It's like, I mean, your opinion's fine. You're right.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Taylor Swift was dating the guy from 1979.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
And he made a joke on a podcast that's not around anymore, Mullen and Stavros' podcast, about Ice Spice. And he was like, oh, is she like an Eskimo rapper? But she's not. She just called herself Ice Spice.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
so the internet was like that's um i guess racially insensitive but he's like she's not she's not that like i don't know whatever and then they went out and then taylor swift's like yeah i'm all a product so you're out yeah you're out i'll just date a different product yeah yeah and it's like yeah immediately after so you love chapel roan being like i'm not
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah, like, leave me alone, I'm not working. You get me when I'm on stage and you get my music. And then, like, I'm a human. Because she just got famous, so she hasn't been removed from her humanity yet.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Like that. So she's still living in her head in that, like, I'm just a normal person world.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Dork. move out and get an apartment at least you can afford a one bedroom if i can you can yeah get some cabinet space lady why don't why aren't you watching reality tv i feel like it would be really good like because i'll get hooked material it's the same reason i don't do like fantasy football it'll be all my time i watched one season of survivor and i was like i couldn't turn it off
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
it's so hard it's fine I do like it it's trash but like it's fun trash it's like Fast and Furious at this point are you America's sweetheart? I am. I'm the nicest guy in America.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Because everybody hates me. But I'm trying to get people to stay positive.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
No, but I try to go dark. You do go dark. Yeah. Sometimes people are like, what a terrible person.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
And you're like, some people died, but some of them were- Some of them were complete- Yeah, some of them were fucking shitty people. You know you wish death on some people 10 years ago, and then they died in a new way. New way. They weren't aware of, so it's like, great. I didn't imagine it that way, but I'll take it. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Remember going outside during COVID and just walking in the middle of Ventura? Yeah. And like, no one's going to come hit you.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
It was eerie. It was like that in New York, too. And you're like, you take the best pictures. You can literally stay in the middle of Fifth Avenue. Yeah, yeah. You don't take cars out. There's just no one there. It's pretty nice.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
No?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Oh, yeah. Just because you could, I guess. Yeah? It was like, this is a cool pic. Part-time influencer. Is that a thing? Part-time influencers? I love it.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah, yeah.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
How does he... Yeah, grew up in Romania. Thank God. He was pretty far east.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah, he understands like the, there's two ways to go about like dark jokes, taking them. It's either like, this is awful or like, oh, they know it's awful. That's why it's funny. Taking light of something.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
If you make fun of like dropping your slice of pizza, it's just not that funny because it's not that bad. But if you make fun of like the Holocaust, then it's like, oh, making light of that is like, it's such, you know, so different than how you should react. So he gets it. He's like, you're actually showing how terrible it is.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
yeah the people who get upset at comedy jokes is really it's just because it's a new art form so like people don't quite know how to take it and they're like it's you speaking about your own feelings with your own name versus like a naked lady painting is like we know by now that's not an actual naked lady you know but then even like i don't know when photography got big people were like this is smut remember that and it was like no it's not it's just like a black and white photo of it of a naked dude with a nice dong
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
but like no one's actually coming for the dong it's for like the you know the the lighting and stuff sepia yeah sepia dong yeah sepia dong should be a name someone's podcast are you currently watching sex in the city or the new one the old one okay and i am loving it okay i assume you guys have seen it oh yeah yeah it's the worst written show possibly of all time
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I can forgive them for writing men terribly because it's not about the men on purpose. It's about these women and their friendships.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I will tell you, I used to hate the redhead. And then I've realized finally, after seeing the new one. I'm a Miranda. You're Miranda. Yeah. I'm starting to like her. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
She's the redhead. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And why does she make sense?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
In the world. The worst friend. Anytime somebody's like, oh my God, I'm having a terrible time. And she's just leafing. She's like, I know. Right. Somebody stood you up just leafing through like letters. Anyway. So I'm out of cigarettes. Can you believe it? And he was like, no, this is your friend's moment. No.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
And it's like, he's a bad guy. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I mean, I think they both should have just murdered her. Also, the guy was like, you're just constantly starting fights with me. I see it from big side. But also, he's not the guy for you.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Too way too early.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
And he's just like, what, lady? I mean, her blowjobs must have been so epic for him to put up with that. And every time he comes over, he's like, we're late. Let's go. And she's like, I'm getting ready. I can't pick out which shoes I want. And then he lights up a cigar, which is like an hour and a half smoke. And I'm like, you're already late. This is crazy. This doesn't make any sense.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah. Like, what are you doing? She just shows up to where his parents are. I'm like, this is out of line, lady. You can't be doing this.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
It was pretty brutal.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Oh, it's because we run out of weed, we get real upset.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Six times more likely?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Damn, that's good math.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah, what's cardiovascular? Is that even a word?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
My father was a Holocaust survivor and almost none of them smoke weed and they didn't live long. So really, you live longer. Get there. Get there. Get there. Okay. Oh my God. He wrote, we asked. Wait, wait, wait, wait. There's more on Sex and the City. Okay. Okay. She's a sex columnist in not the 1930s, in the 90s to 2000s. And she's like, a threesome? Could I? What? What?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
In New York fucking city. She's the most prudish person in the goddamn world.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Uh-huh.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
She's on a bus. She's on a bus. She's on a fucking bus. Yeah, she's popular. And she's only one who wants to show her boobs the whole show. That's separate. That's an actor thing, not the character.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah. no no no none could say that no bad naked for you you didn't watch that sign up i mean listen girls had some bad nudity but the show girls the show girls yeah it was like all right lena chill we get it not every episode you can do it once in a while you're brave not every fucking episode somebody told her she was brave after the first season she's like i'm gonna brave every eight minutes
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Like no one's this naked. I'm not that naked around my own apartment. No one's there. Put a robe on. Do something. Who cooks eggs with their fucking pussy out? Sorry, I'm getting too dirty for this podcast. I apologize. I'm a bad person, you guys.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Almost never.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Just right here. It's come out of my mouth way more. I usually call it a vagina.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
It makes it more stupid. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah. You're a Red Wings fan? Is that what that is?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Hockey team? Uh-huh. What's that on your neck?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah. Once it gets too real, I'm like, I've lost the chance. All right, I'm out.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah. First couple of rows you can see, and then it just disappears. Do you look for their facial work or is that necessary in your line of profession when you're dark? Nah, you can do it if you want, but it's like, everyone's trying to do it now. It's kind of like hacky. I try to go the other way.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I'll see it. No, I want to see if they're having a good time.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah, everyone's like, it used to just be like, when you got to it, it happened, it happened. You know, somebody dropped a tray of drinks, you're like, let's make fun of it. Or somebody shows up in something like weird. But yeah, I can see them. It's nice when they're having a good time, but sometimes you see like,
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I saw some lady at the comic store like this the whole time, some 55, 60-year-old lady. She was like a snarling face, but she was quiet the whole time. I kept looking at her. Her husband, her boyfriend, whatever, was into it. And I kept doing it, didn't mention her, and then I was like, all right, I'm done. And then I was like, before I go, though, hey, lady, I just want to give some props here.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
You hated me, right? She goes, yeah. And I'm like, okay, fair. But you kept your mouth shut the whole time. You didn't disrupt the show. And it's okay to have your tastes and likes and dislikes, but you handled it so well. Guys, let's give her a round of applause for handling it well with her distaste. And then she's like, but that's all we want.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah, like what you're saying. I'm not gonna be a baby about it. It's all right. I get it. It's not for everybody.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Um, I, I don't know. Fourth grade.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah. I was, I was like annoying.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
9% Jewish. Well, if you were over 50%, what you do is you just pay a doctor to say your child is learning disabled. And then you could take untimed tests at home and get better grades and SATs. So did she. Yep. Do whatever you want to get ahead.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I could use extra time. I'm just. Yeah, we all could. I can't fucking read. Yeah, that would have helped, then, the extra time. Yeah. Juice? No, it's juice.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Oh, okay. They're like, what is this accent you're throwing there? What is this word? Yeah, juice got untimed tests. It's great. There's white privilege, and then there's another thing that we don't like to talk about. It's Jewish privilege.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
She knows it. She got all the same privileges. What school did you go to?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Oh, that's a Hebrew school.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Very Jewish. No, I'm talking about college.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
USC?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
U of SC? University of Southern California.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Is that how you guys say it? Oh, USC. Yeah, yeah.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
That's nice. Yeah, on-time chats. It's great. What a privilege.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
You can ask me about my child.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Have you ever? I've had some on purposes. On purposes.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
you don't get a tattoo for the on purposes you just give a heart a handshake and get a cigarette to make sure go on your way for the liberal laws in america why are you watching animal attack videos do you want to talk about that my algorithm got me or the ski videos yeah what's your you ever catch your algorithm just grabs you and takes you to a place
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah, I went from, there was a dock in Santa Clarita that caved a couple months ago. It just washed away, and some guy was on it, but it stayed intact, and they had to rescue them. I was like, oh, weird. And then from then on, it just went natural disasters. It was like, oh, you must love natural disasters. And then it pulled that into animal disasters.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I was just watching puppy videos and like, what about if it went wrong? And I like, oh. And then it's like, okay, fine. You don't like the puppies getting killed, but how about like lions attacking tigers? And you're like, okay. You just click on it once and then it's all it takes you. Now, every time I'm on a hike, I'm so fearful. I hear a squirrel. I'm just like, oh, it's a bobcat.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I'm being tailed.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
That sheet never lies.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I do do drugs.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
That's the heart attacks. That's the heart attacks. Smoking weed in nature. Smoking weed in doom scrolling. Is it really even a drug? Is it even a drug? That's a valid question.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
well we're not the only there's also alcoholics that's drugs too we're deflectors yeah y'all are yeah because none of us go it's not we just go that is too look at them my fault i'm a better person when i'm chilled out more attentive to your child's needs well no no we actually were talking earlier this episode how he leaves chewed up gum in random places like on surfaces and our daughter will find it chew it one time she did one time it was wrapped all around her hand
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
She learned a valuable lesson that day.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Don't smoke weed and chew gum. But when she's older, she'll remember that lesson.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I put it down and go, wait, wait. Oh, core memory. I'm going to throw that away.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
She's going to thank her father. She's going to call you.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Not then, but later.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I'm okay with it as long as they're like little small amounts. But also like you can see why it's scary.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Cause like, I mean, sometimes you're just gone. You're just like, I'm out. And they're like, you don't need your kids.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
This was before children. Do PK and post K is so different. And then you'll remember your PK lives.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Do you have kids? No, no, but none that you wanted.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I got it. Yeah. A couple, a couple on purposes.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I was a golfer.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I was never good. Oh. I was also, I played golf at Yeshiva University. Yeah, I played golf there. We just needed people to play, so anyone who had a golf bag could be on the team. And I was, I believe, the worst athlete in NCAA sports that year.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
You played golf? Yeah.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Okay. I shot a 143 in competition.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah. Yeah. You want to be around 70, just below 70. The other team was laughing. My own coach was laughing at me. Yeah.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I was on the team, yeah, I played through it, yeah. I mean, they had to keep supplying the balls.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
It made golfing better when I stopped caring about the rules and had a couple nips or just like got high and then be like, hey, I'm not feeling this hole. I'll just go with you guys.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I can't even see the hole from here. My score doesn't matter. We're just having fun, right? Yeah, we're just having fun. I'm going to go on a little hike in the woods and meet you guys.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I do now. I used to lay pipe. yourself at the cemetery yeah i don't know somebody i knew knew somebody's hiring i was 16 my first job that's your first job yeah first time what does one do you lay pipe you i was a horticulturalist you just gotta like water i watered the the flowers around the tomb of the unknown soldier i put out the eternal flame once i forgot about that yeah
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
that might be treasonous oh my god yeah yeah generally had to pick up pipes like like it would go like hand male to female and lay them down on these long fields and then like let them go and the sprinklers and then when they were done like you did put them back in the truck and then take them to the next field and lay them up but sometimes if you were good you got like wand duty and it was just a hose with a magic wand at the end went up and then kind of down
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
So then you just walk, watering all the beautiful flowers outside. I went to the National Cemetery, it was gorgeous. And then I didn't screw it on tight enough. And then the magic wand came off, just popped off, and this shoot of water just went straight up into the eternal flame.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I mean, I was like, I'm gonna get hung. there's all these like tourists there and they're kind of looking up i can see them looking up what the word eternal means because they're like maybe i got it wrong and then there's a yeah i was like i'm fucked did you like call your boss and be like hey
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I think there's like a little like you know pilot light and it went back on but for like two minutes I was like oh this is really bad yeah the marines are there like walking right nearby Tomb of the Unknown Soldier oh my god but it was fun we used to take naps in the open graves it was cool in there no one was in there yet so it wasn't really it wasn't really like rude to anybody it was not a soldier yet you were out and breaking it in
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Breaking it in, exactly. Making sure it's comfortable for these heroes.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Okay. Good question. For all of us, by the way. I say cremated and then given to certain parts to different people who might want it. Different groups of my friends.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Like a treat, like a special treat. Was it? I mean, you can't do that. She only has one child.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Wow. I mean, I take back the question I was going to ask.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
That doesn't have any. If this is a court case, you'd be like, irrelevant. You'd be like, yep. Your Honor, irrelevant to the thing. It could be a Pomeranian or German Shepherd.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
And was it into it?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Oh, because it dried up. Can I just say boo on this? Do you regret it now that we made you feel bad for it?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
What about the placenta thing? Would the men eat the placenta?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
You didn't see it. No, no.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I was like, I don't. For what reason? Here's a finger. For what reason to see it that way?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
To pump your own?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Agreed. Why? Why would... You're gonna have to do it. You'll never have to do it.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
When you must. If you're on vacation and it's raining, it's raining for both of you. But if you're off, I don't know, golfing with friends and it's raining, you don't call her and say, I need you to step outside. I need you to also get wet needlessly. No.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
What are you talking about? I get punched in the face because I get a nurse to punch me every once in a while in the dick so I can feel what it's like. No. I'm sorry you're going through this, but, you know. I just walk around the block in whatever clothes you're on. Better ruin your iPhone so we can connect somehow. This is a Carrie kind of test.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
And then she walks by his wedding. Oh, is this where your wedding was that day? Oh, I just was walking in New York. I just happened to go by. Ugh, this lady.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I got an ingrown toenail taken out. And he's like, you want to watch it? I'm like, nope. No need to see this. I'm just looking around the room every other way. Yeah, you're trained. You got it. He's trained.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
If I don't have enough money for the check, I have to wash dishes. Do your job, doc. I'm going to sew it up.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah, like you've never seen this before? Yeah.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
she's like i don't know that's gonna fuck you up yeah we're gonna tear your vagina it's gonna for sure hurt did you do that you did the pushing one or the cutting one i did the well i don't think my mom thought that they like just cut everyone now a days
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Slice you down the middle.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
So there's three kinds. Sure. Slicing, cutting, and pushing.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
And scissoring.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah. Can you imagine, like, the 1920s doing anal with just some, like, spit? What barbarians. No plugs. Nothing. For K-Wired.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
How bad did it hurt? Which one? The anal or giving birth to the baby?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
now both i will now say both honestly yeah which one hurt worse because you don't get it you don't get numb honestly if i could get epidural for anal i would do it every day of my life i heard anal described like you're trying to shit out a house If you could get epidurals, you would do anal every day.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
I 100% will. Give me that Michael Jackson stuff and an epidural.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah. Is that what you're always like? Just keep doing this. Yeah. I got to sleep. Just hit this for me.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Did it make this noise?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah, I'm with you. Why watch it? Why watch it? But also, curiosity. I'd watch someone else's. They got to do like a Strangers on a Train situation.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
What about the epidural though?
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
They should all have that. The Brazilian place should just have an epidural. While we're here, while you can't feel anything.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Yeah, right.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Would you have done that out of a... Would you have shaved me? I think I said no. I meant like, if she's like, I have to shave for this. Can you please also shave your D? Yeah. The hair? Yeah. No, your dick off.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
Is that gum? How long has that been there? They don't still make Big Red. No.
The Viall Files
E904 - Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter, Ari Shaffir, RHOBH, Temptation Island, Parenting & Side Hustles
God bless you.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Disguises to enter into the password. Like, I don't know how it works. Anyway, they finally hired some white Jew out of college to run it for him. Now it's all running great.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, Black Rabbit. My problem is also I can't get any on it. I'm a star there. Yeah. So that's not, it's fun. It was like, do you remember the Laugh Factory open mic? Yes. So laugh at your open mic. Signing up for it and sitting outside. You can only do once a month, and that's what kept you in comedy. Because you're like, I will kill.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And the store open mic was like, made you think about quitting.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
But like, it was so good. You need that once in a while. It's just a victory lap. That's how Austin is for me. No matter where I go, everyone's like, yeah! And I'm like, all right, I can't work on anything here.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
But for new comics, you can get that honest rep there. And that's what's exciting to me. And I think to Joe also. He's trying to build a scene, not just a club.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
He tries so hard. I try to tell him the reasons why. They don't make sense to him. I'm like, it's like an influencer town. He's like, no, you just get a place 45 minutes away with armed guards every mile. It's like, okay, that's not going to be my reality, bud. Yeah, he has people just shooting on it tablets. No, it's close. They just get airlifted into the club and get airlifted back.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
It's easy, man. But it's such a fun time. It is fun. Oh, my God. It's a vacation every time you go there. You can treat it right. You fill up your own drinks. That's how every club should be. I'm an adult. I get free drinks. Why do I got to bother this bartender? Let me just make my drinks. And people are like, doesn't he lose a lot of money? They're like, a bottle, it costs $60. Right.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
There's some congresspersons there. You're like, hello. Anyway, we're about to make some Holocaust jokes. Do you want to stay in for this? It's on you.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
We're like, I think I can fuck AIDS out of a chick. You're like, oh, I'm sorry, Your Honor. Maybe we'll leave.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
At least some rep. I might know you, but maybe I'm not a ticket buyer for Theo Vaughn. So you've got to win me over a little bit. Yeah, or maybe I'm not a fan at all. Maybe I don't like you. So win me over. The best was one time when Louie came back, we saw a security footage camera. Some chick was there on the side, so we could see her fully behind Louie. And she was just mad.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And then four minutes in, it's Louis C.K. So the talent there is undeniable. So she's mad. After about four minutes, she goes... And then five minutes later, she's like. And then by the end, she's just dying laughing.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
much burrito did you oh i have american serving sizes and they hit you with not like chips and salsa first you fill up on those yeah some serving sizes are
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
He's always just making jokes, and you put him on a pedestal sometimes, but now he's just a schmuck. He's just a schmendrick, a fat blob. And whatever we put on him, that's us putting stuff on him. He's just a dude.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, it's out. It's out now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just came out. America's Sweetheart. Nice.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I'm the nice guy. Hey, we'll take what we can get, you know? Like, is nobody nicer?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
They're just overloading you with badness. Yeah, shitty fries. We're like, oh, there's no seasoning on this. And then I ate them all. I should have just been like, no, I'll get fries. I have fry money. I could go get more fries.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
It's a long fucking time. It's more than half. I've been more in comedy than not in comedy. I think I just passed that.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, I think it's everybody. It's not even like you do this thing. It might even take off or not take off. But then you're like, well, I'm a different person. Like Sturgill. You know Sturgill Simpson? Mm-hmm. So he's singing about DMT and mushroom stuff. And then the later albums, it's about his kids and stuff. And they're like, what about the drugs? And he's like, I mean, I covered it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I'm in my 40s now. It's kind of gross to be talking about like, can you believe I got so whacked out? It's kind of lame at some point. So you have to shift. And the better you get, too. You talk to Attell, who... I think, but definitely could be the best. Good point. And you see him. Dude, that joke was so funny. It was a simple switch.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And he's on such a higher level that stuff, I've been around for a while that I'm like, wow. He's like, that was a nothing thing. That was an easy trick I just did.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And he's so far above me, I can't see it. So yeah, everybody evolves a bit. I've started using my English degree more. Really? Yeah. Doing pretty much my last two specials. Like Othello or something? No, like the five paragraph essay. Okay.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I'm like, they're right here right now. I'm going to eat them. I want like two bites too many would be perfect. I'm done with like one or two extra bites and then that's it. Buddy, that Trump interview was so fucking good. I've never seen anybody do it like that where it's like, I mean, this is the way I'm reading it. I'm Theo, I'm like, you're here for me, not the other way around.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And just like, here's my thesis. Here's my proofs. Now here's a, here's a wrap up instead of just a collection of bits. But you know, once you get like pretty good at joke telling, then it's like, what do I want to do on top of that? Right. So that's what I'm doing with this. I'm trying to get people off the news. Yeah. Is that what it's about more? Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I'm sort of like, just get, things are pretty good. If you, if you're on there too much, they're going to think it's bad, but it's actually pretty fucking good.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
How come you can pronounce that well and not nuclear? That's a good question.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, you've come in contact with one more than another. He was so sure that's a horrible time for Jews.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And like, if you're born with a billion dollars, like, yeah, but you also say stupid and I'm stupid.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Charlottesville. Charlottesville. Yeah. It was a statue. Do you know who the statue was there? No one does. Nobody knows who the fucking statue was. And it was a flashpoint of everything. Was it Stephen Douglas? Symbols of the city's Confederate past. They don't even know who it is. They're all protesting. They don't even know who the fucking statue is. Totally normal.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Oh, yeah. I had a school nearby me called Robert E. Lee Junior High School. I wonder if it's still called that. Probably changed it. Probably changed it. Erasing history. To Bobby Lee. Yeah. Bobby Lee College of Dropouts. Dude, how does Bobby Lee not have an elementary school named after him? You gotta. You still look kind of like you're in one. You could go undercover, Bob.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Just shave that stupid stache. You could go undercover. You look young.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, just these giant meals. You ever go to eat with Bobby? He just, like, fills up the table. And you're like, oh, is this for us? He goes, oh, no, you can order, too. Bobby eats like Ralphie Mae. He's a principal. He shows up once a year over Zoom.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
You trying to educate him? I don't think I'm allowed to tell you, but.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
But that's crazy. You got to talk to gays, bro. I talked to Mateo. Because you can't get it. We got a force field now. Oh, they do? Oh, PrEP drugs. Yeah, PrEP. So it's like they just can't get it. So it's back to 80s. Let's fuck. Let's be gay the way gay was meant to be. Yeah. Let's fuck in the back of the church. Let's fuck anywhere gays are. They'll fuck anywhere, huh? They just go for it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Imagine just... I had a guy trying to jerk me off in the back of a bus in Vietnam. You did? Yeah. And the guy was gay? I...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I'm listening. It's a little cold. I'll eat half and send it back. But I like that joke. I'll eat half that joke and send it back. Hold on. Almost done? There's a hair in there. That's the biggest problem with Jews going bald. They can't send soup back. Sorry, Howie. You're right.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
The eight. Yeah. I miss it. It was like a real thing at United People. United Nation of AIDS.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Well, it turns out they never got the cure. They just got a pretty much a vaccine. You did it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
That's wild. I mean, what's that new drug that makes you lose weight? Ozempic. Ozempic. That's that. They just rebranded. AIDS. Zima did it. They went to Trulia and White Claw. They were smart.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Zima was just an early White Claw. Zima gives me, what happened there gives me hope for society. because you're within a 10, 15 year age of me, you remember Zima. And it was like, it's like there's a cooler stuff, and you reach for Zima, people are like, you sure you wanna do that in front of people? You're gonna be called gay for a long time. And you're like, okay, I won't.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
We went away, and then Truly or White Club, whichever the first one came back, and we all kinda made a deal, like let's not call each other gay.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Oh, yeah a little touch of citrus look at the Jolly Ranchers nearby it yeah put a jolly is it out? Are you still by Zima's?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I think it was like a neither here nor there. He was just sitting there like this for you. It's like when I go into bonfire with Jay and Dan.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Jackson Hole. When I was there, they just built a city. Really? Suzhou wanted to build a district, so they're just like, do it. No bureaucracy. Make it happen. Just build it. It was up in six months. 20 skyscrapers. No waiting.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I would just like, oh, you guys have a routine here. I'll just sit back and get one tagline in, you know.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I hate when those big guys are like, we have this much time. And you're like, all right, I'll do that. Everybody else is like, let's just go until we're kind of done. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
We're going to need to wrap up. Oh, yeah. Fine. Some guy in the back, some lady. I should have just been like, wave it off. But I didn't. I should have been like, you don't work for me. I don't work for you. I'm going to keep him here.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I bet they're like, hey, you know what I want to do? I want to take power. I'm like, ooh, I like that. And then when they do it, I'm like, fuck you.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
God, that's gotta be fun when you are a baby, huh? God, it really does. Underrated part about being a baby. Yeah. Yeah, if you're a baby and you put him down, if you put the baby down between, and it's a breastfeeding baby, between that chick and like, I don't even know who, Karen Feehan, who do you think that chick is, that baby's gonna go right for that fucking chick? Big fucking lot of food.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah. And they're all a product, too. I saw somebody talking about George Bush Jr. How you say nuclear. You know, I say nuclear. And somebody's like, how do I wait?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I know why they want it. The nut's great. Yeah, but it's also great outside of it. It's less great. Is it? What do you mean, is it?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Well, this is a facade, buddy. Just get what you need to get. None of this is real. We never said we had done it. No, but I mean this. All this is like a fucking, you're just like buying time so you can get a cream pie. This is all just because you've never cream pied. Really? You've got a nut inside, buddy. What do you mean you've never done it?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
What do you mean you've never cream pied inside of a woman? I've never had it in my life. I swear to God. You fucked though?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
You know how many chicks I fucked that said they couldn't get pregnant, that I later found out got pregnant from somebody? Really? And I was like, wait, you said... I was blowing loads in you. And they're like, oh, I thought I couldn't. Based on what?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Just coating the walls. I was a salad for some other guy's steak. Yeah, I've never done that in my life, man. Well, let me recommend something to you.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
The last of the Golden Girls died. It's too late for that. Estelle Getty? No. Maybe. Estelle Getty Museum? What was her name?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
That's how he would say it? No, he said nuclear. Nuclear. Oh, nuclear's wrong. Sorry, buddy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
God. What a great series. Hot take. Golden Girls is just sex in the city. Hmm. They're both written by gay men about gay culture. And this one they made old women play it. And the other one they made fucking horse-faced chicks play it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Or that it will be hacked, you know, that they'll be able to hack the genetics. If you were a scientist working on the cure for gay and you were like halfway there, you lost a lot of funding recently.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Nuclear. Nuclear's wrong. Yeah. Nuclear. Nuclear power? You don't think he knew? No, it's nuclear power. Nuclear power. No matter what you put on it, it's always going to be nuclear.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, they're probably like, we're not paying, we don't want it anymore. You don't think? There's a small segment of the population like we got to cure this. Everyone else is just like, who cares?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
So you won't ever get it in the first place. Right, yeah. You get a kid when he's two. Didn't they say vaccines made kids gay? Wasn't that a rumor for a while?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Say no gay kids after a while. Like, I ended vaccines. Who knows? So all this stuff he says, people are like, that's ridiculous. I'm like, really? I don't even know the words he's using. He's smarter than me. I don't know shit. I don't even know the earth is round. I'm just guessing.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Like, if you talk to, like, a... They're post-gender. Is it? Yeah, they don't care. The man can wear a dress. Like, you cross-dressing, they're like, what? When I grew up, you couldn't wear pink as a dude. You'd be ostracized. Now, like, there's no gay color that's wore past that. So those kids are past that shit. They're wearing top hats and skirts. It doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. Okay.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah. So, yeah, we see them as gay, but they're like, oh, dude, we're not even using those terms.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
That's why you go to Bushwick or something and you're like, oh, this is the cutting edge kids.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
It's just a bunch of dark black, very thin hookers. I'll check it out. I haven't heard anything about that.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
You know what there is, though, for real, for real? What? Casual hooking. Really? Like, chicks who do it, like, three times a year. Housewives. Regular chicks who are like, for a little extra cash, I'll hook. Like, what do you mean? I mean, like, oh, your friend seems cute. It's like, hey, my friend's cute. She likes you. Would you be into it for, like, a couple hundred bucks? Like, oh, no.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
But they were like, you don't think he knew how to pronounce that? His father was the president. You don't think he knew and he heard nuclear around the house? They told him to mispronounce that so he could be relatable. Wow, you think? Yeah. Damn. He went to like an Ivy League school. That's true, huh? He would have been shaken of that.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
In New York? Yeah. Huh. Regular chicks just occasionally like, yeah, I'll fuck for money. The guy seems cool. They're not going to like on the street taking all callers. Right. But like occasionally for extra cash instead of driving Uber. Do they tell the husband? I don't think so. Hmm. Possibly. I don't know everybody's situation. Would you?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
There's a thing where people let... Do you think the Obamas are still together for real? That's a great question. Do you think the Clintons are? No. No, right? So it's a possibility that there are such things as sham marriages. Yeah. I wonder. She didn't show up to the funeral. She didn't show up to the inauguration. I could see like, hey, I never wanted to be in the public eye like this.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I just wanted a ball. Yeah, dunk on these bitches. Yeah, that's it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
What did you, because that's not you. Oh, not at all. You were going there the way I go to Comic-Con. Yeah. I'll just stare at everybody. That was ridiculous. I don't know, what's Spider-Man?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
You should not be there. That's how I felt. At least you're not doing the endorsing thing. Yeah. That a lot of comics are doing. I thought we were supposed to just make fun of everyone in power. Did you feel like it was weird that people were endorsing?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
endorsing what who's endorsing yeah what the fuck are you talking about you have a literal sports team you root for you don't endorse tottenham yeah like it was so wild but all right he's in power now so let's see everybody go after him well i think a lot of people were endorsing just make fun of all of them yeah
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
It affects me for sure. Yeah? For sure. So if somebody's like, hey, I want to do this. I'm like, great. I love it. I also love when Trump gave us all 600 bucks during the pandemic. He got everybody really partied in New York. Love that. Do you worry about – yeah, but – But I'm not going to get involved in getting it there. But then some of these guys have a lot of influence, to be honest.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
But also, they're like, how can you have this guy on your podcast? I'm like, well, I'll have everybody on. I had Tucker Carlson on my podcast, the travel one. We just talked about travel. People are like, why didn't you call him on his shit? I'm like, was he lying about the UAE? That's all I care about, the travel part. I don't want to get involved in this. So I get that part of it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Somebody seems interesting. A former president. I'll have him on a podcast.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
But if you got invited to the, I don't know, Bush inauguration or the Obama one or the Reagan one, you would have gone? Yeah, I would have gone. He's like, oh, I'm not political. I got invited to the presidential inauguration.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
So what was everybody doing? Did it feel like powerful? Did it feel like these guys are deciding fates? Or was it just like the Oscars where they're all glad-handing each other and celebrating success? I guess I didn't get to be there long enough.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
30 chairs? That's like my house. I have four chairs and I have eight people over. And it's like we're sitting on Amazon boxes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Who's the brown in the middle? This is the oligarchy right here.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
So he owns Google. So these guys all decide how we think about the world. These one, two, three, one guy, the chick I'm assuming is cleaning up the knob of the other one. There's Zuckerberg. Yeah, Zuckerberg's the most evil of all of them. You think? Yeah. Because I think he was like cigarettes where they didn't know what they were doing. And then when they found out, so there's no problem.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
They're just giving cigarettes. They didn't know what caused cancer. Then they found out it caused cancer and they go hide that shit.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Zuckerberg at first was like, I don't know, I'm just too autistic to have interactions, so I want to see a world where we don't have to meet eye to eye. And now he goes, yeah, he made us live like autistic people. But then he found out that we're all fucking turning on each other and cutting off our uncles. And he goes, yeah, keep pushing it. I think it should be up.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I think it should at least be his company taken away from him and it should be shut down. Facebook and Instagram should be shut down. Push the button.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I think they can I think that it might be abuse but at some point it's like this is too much bad right well I feel the same way about porn about porn channels you know yeah or like let's have some oversight oh yeah porn too it's like it's non-stop like you can't like push porn to kids right they had to stop making THC gummies that are in the shape of clowns because like hey we're not actually giving these to five-year-olds and you're kind of marketing to five-year-olds yeah they had to stop putting Steve Simone was eating all of them too I think yeah this is a Steve Simone joke love you buddy
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
They had to, yeah, there he goes. Look, he's always smiling. I know, huh? Where are the bodies? Yeah, he's our Gacy. He's our John Wayne Gacy? Wow. On the surface, a kind man.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, I bet it wasn't that bald guy. What's his name? He's like the main one. Carville? James Carville? Oh, yeah. He's cool. Not him. He would have done something better. He would have done something cool. He's out of Louisiana. Yeah, that's right. I went up to him once. I was like, how do you talk to a celebrity? There's no way. I don't know how to do it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, I think it's really bad. You can't just put in additives into fucking baby formula.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
They know I'm talking to them because they're them. Not just like, oh, hey, cool shirt, and didn't know who it was, you know? So I saw him at a commercial shoot once, and I was like, what do I say? I'm like, I know. He used to call into sports radio in D.C., and he had a great thing, like always bet on the home underdog if there were more than seven points. And I was like, that's what I'll say.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, so we have some laws, right? You can't blast music at parks. Right. Because it's kind of infringing other people's rights sort of here. There's a privacy. It's quiet. So there's some regulation. I don't understand all this. I don't know what the line is from socialism or not. I don't get any of that. It's not my thing.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I just know this is really hurting us as a society and nobody's doing anything about it. You can't sell guns on a street corner just to anybody. Right. And it's like, well, if it was bad for you, you wouldn't do it. Like, nah. You need someone to step in. As a society, that's not allowed. You're making us hate our brothers and friends and shit.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
See, the world is a terrible place. We didn't sign up for that.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, and start angry. It's not a good way to start, right? You've been on the beach when you start pleasant. It's a better feeling when you're at the beach than you're on Twitter showing you what's to be mad about. Yeah. There was a guy who used to work in Google to see – which of the things had to go to the dark web and which were allowed.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
So his whole day was spent looking at snuff films and fucking car crashes and, and like child endangerment and stuff like that. Every one of those guys had to go to therapy for the rest of their lives. Yeah. Cause you're not supposed to see that stuff. And we're seeing like versions of that. I hate it. I hate it. God, let's, let's draw on quarter Mark Zuckerberg.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
But is it just him, though? Like, it's must do. It's anybody who now knows what you're doing to society and you're not doing anything about it. You actually have the power to stop it and you're not doing it. Right. So, like, fuck off.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I was like, hey, I used to listen to you on WTEM with Kornheiser way back. And he goes, oh, cool. I'm like, fuck, fuck, even that.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And they're going to make like, well, this joke they had about who's on top. We can't have that. That's not our society wants that. You're like, that's too far. And I don't know what it is. You can't trust the government to regulate. I don't know what the answer is, but right now it ain't working.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
unsuccessful experiment or is it just it is pharmaceuticals how to be regulated you can't just give everyone side effects you have to like you have to show your side effects and it barely is right but you have to show your side effects you have to go at the end yeah yeah
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
They're not going to do shit. They're not going to do shit. They're just going to let it go. You go to another country, you eat like garbage for a week and you lose seven pounds. You're like, how's this? Oh, there's not that many chemicals in other countries and shit. Right.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And they're still pushing it to people. You should do Oxy. You should get on Oxy for pain. My dad had to get on something. I go, don't take that. Take ibuprofen. Don't take, you can't, if you get hooked on it, you can't kick it. They're still selling Oxycontin? Oh yeah, they're still, doctors are still pushing it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Oh, they're not paying those bills. Those fines, they're not paying those. Really? Yeah, same thing with PG&E. All the forest fires, half of them were caused by PG&E not doing the safety measures. Look at how many forest fires in California are started by the utilities. Hold on.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
So they have to pay $7.4 billion over the next 15 years. How much do they make a year?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, all the Gulf oil spills, they paid this big fine. It was still less money than it would have been to do the safety measures.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
So they're like, it seems like a big number, but not compared to what they're making. There was a time when if I got a parking ticket, it would break me. And now I've seen rich people like, I'll park here. It's fine. I'll just park here. Yeah, it's fine. If somebody takes a car, I'll just buy a new car. Yeah, Chris Rock, instead of pulling into the lot, would just park in front.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And they're like, they might give you a ticket. He goes, I don't care. It's $80. And I'm a millionaire. He doesn't care. It's not going to de-incentivize him. Oh, look at this. So this is wildfires caused by power lines. Okay, so why are we looking at this? I'm saying they're supposed to worry about safety measures. They don't.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
They don't pay the fines. Look at all those fires caused by that. And then they just don't do anything. Because they know, what are you going to do? Not use us? You're going to all be in the dark for fucking years? Yeah, what are you going to use? A candle? Hundreds of forest fires. Maybe thousands. By PG&E. And they won't do shit. So that's the government that's not doing shit.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
It's really upping it. That's what makes you hopeful. The candle game, it's bar none. There's shapes and everything. I saw a candle dick in Washington Square Park. Really? And they lit it up? Yeah. No, you can. But I don't know what the smell is.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Did you get to say anything to him? Like, you should take care of this? Is it Trump? Yeah, I always have this dream. Like, there's an outside possibility I could run into him. It's an outside possibility. And I'm like, if we all got to be like, hey, I just want two things to do, what would you hit them with?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And that would put other people like, I mean, you grew up in a town that's,
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, they can definitely alter your fucking... Your grill is affected by sugar.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, yeah, they're not people anymore. And why is this not being talked about all the time? Every city in America, Democrat and Republican, are failing under this. And no one's doing shit about it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
You think they just rebranded and came back? Like a college bar that gets busted for underage. And they go, it's a new name now. It's my brother runs it. It's a different company. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Pretty cool. In Texas, they have a bunch of midget wrestling. Yeah. And it's just like signs for it. It's not like a hidden back room thing.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
How about midget versus gay? We got to make odds on all these things. Three midgets, two gays. You know, what's the like over under? Ooh, three midgets versus two gays? And then what kind of gays are we talking about? Is it like luck of the draw? No.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Mateo can take somebody. He's strong enough. He's very strong. Yeah, but can he fight? And can he fight down?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Is that crazy to say that? Looks a little like Shane in the face. He's dressed like Mencia and he's got a face like Shane.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
That's Shane, bro. That's Shane, bro. He's one of my friends. That's Shane. Tell me it's not.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
That's what I'm wondering. Do you not feel... Melatonin, you know, helps you go to sleep? Not melatonin. Melatonin?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
But then, like, sleeping pills will become addictive. Melatonin's like, it's fine. So there's not opioids in here?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Well, they said the thing with oxycodone, whatever, was that they were like, well, what about getting off it? Like, we haven't seen any problem with that. And they go, did you test for that? And they go, no, we did not. And so it's like, how do you know how hard it is to withdraw? You've never tested it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Well, I don't know. But yeah, they got to do something. That's a good one to tell them. Yeah. Because once you have the rest, let's get approval for this first.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
The whole board. And they're like, no, the company has it. No, you guys killed babies. Is that true? Yeah. So it's like, we're done with this.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
You can't break the law and kill babies. You're out. You're out. And hopefully this will be a sign to everybody else. There's enough Chinese. They might not have been the ones. They might have been different ones. Come on, Theo.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
They all try to laugh louder. So maybe he'll join in with our joviality. I see it with Rogan sometimes. I bet you get it too. You sit and I'm like, oh, cool. Nobody's in this bar. I was like, I didn't just fill up. Yeah. It's like word got out. Theo Vaughn's there.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
When I had to go get my visa to play China, I went in there and they're like, what are you doing there? I'm like, I'm working. I got gigs. I'm like, you're working? Where's your letter of invitation from the government? Where's your $50,000? And I'm like, I don't know. It's like early when you go to China. I mean, Canada, you have to tell them you're just visiting a friend. It was that too.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I didn't realize. So I called the promoters. I was like, what do I do? They go, only Bieber can afford the proper channels to play China. Go back in there and tell them you're just there to see the Great Wall. And I'm like, but I was just in there. And he goes, so you know how we can't tell them apart? It's a two-way street. He goes, just go right.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Try not to go to that window, but if you do, it won't matter. And I got called in that window. She goes, hi, how you doing? I thought she was fucking with me. I'm like, here to do some traveling in China. Okay. That was it. Did you go with the same group that I went with? Did you go to? I didn't go with that Lee guy. I went with Turner Sparks and Andy Curtain.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And you just never would have been able to do it. And it flew you to fucking Suzhou, China, Guangxi, and all these places. You're like, dick jokes are paying for this. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
it was wild and you meet the local scenes i'm like there's a comedy scene in hong kong that was the best it was so cool iceland you're going to australia just weird spots yeah we went to one right there that's guantanamo bay with mike that's in cuba yeah who's that guy on the right guy jewish guy too mike e no my smoothie mike but um
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Look how angry your hair is. Yeah. And that kid never nutted inside a chick?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
That's a nutter. That's a nutter guy. That was his time.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Damn. I was doing good. You look like Dane Cook there. Yeah, bro. Dane and Shane. Shane, get that off the ground. Come on, NBC, make a comeback. So you just went all over. Look, that's the Guantanamo Bay Lighthouse behind you. Went to Guantanamo Bay. Isn't it so fucking cool you can go out places like that?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Wow, really? Yeah. Did you play in your jeans and no shirt like in Top Gun?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And I'm like, I was sitting there. All right. Fucking take it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Just like we were from high school together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you want this – it's never going to be that. It's never going to be like – the best was Dice one time. I met some guy. And he goes, oh, we should hang out. He's just some fan. And Dice is like, you know how he is. He's like, sure, give me your number.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. . . . . . .. a, P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P,實 , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , a el... . . . . . ., P P P P P P P P P P P,實 , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , a P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P Wow.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And Dice called him and texted him 35 times a day, bothered him at work to the point where the guy's like, hey, Andrew, I'm working right now. He goes, oh, yeah, work's tough. It's like I remember a couple jobs I had when I was younger. And he's like, Andrew, I've got to go back to work. The guy just regretted trying to be friends with him. Yeah, that's hilarious. It does suck.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
We went when I was a student, we went. I want to get you on my podcast about that year.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Did I come talk about that? I never talk about it. I met a guy, it would go perfectly with that pod, but also like. Journey, what's it called? You'd be tripping. You'd be tripping. Just about a place you've been, but I haven't had ocean as any.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
We were talking. He goes, do you know Theo Vaughn? I was like, yeah, yeah, he's a friend of mine. And he goes, I was on a boat with him once. And I was like, oh, weird. And he goes, no, no, no. It was like a six-month thing.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I've got to get his name to see if you remember. I've got to remember his name.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I heard Brody Stevens went back there and either didn't know or now that I realize, probably somebody told him. And he went back and was like, oh, you're not expecting to see anybody, let alone Johnny fucking Depp. And he goes, oh. And then I heard Depp had this way to offset. He goes, hi, I'm Johnny. How you doing? Or I'm John. Yeah. And then Brody's like, Johnny Depp, yes, heard of him.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
We saw a guy picking his nose so hard for so long. So long. I have a picture of it. I can't show it because it's being too much hate. Hard workers over there. No, this is a white guy. This is a white guy getting rid of that fucking pollution.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
There's a lot of hookers there. Yeah. Was there? Yeah, I didn't get any. You see them, though. I'm like, I haven't seen any hookers. And you notice, like, oh, yeah, yeah, that. Oh, yeah, that. They're like, hi. And you're like, yep. They're just different.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
We had to go get bread and cheese. You got what? We were staying with a guy, and they were like, should we help? Should we help? He goes, no, no, I got it, I got you. And then when the hurricane was coming, he was like, should we go out and get supplies? And he goes, yes. He was like, oh shit, you're worried.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
So we're on the hunt for bread and cheese, and everywhere we went, they're like, we're out, we're out. Nuh-uh. And then Bobby Kelly was like, all right, let's go. Let's go to the next place. We got to go. And he goes, well, hold on. There's cookies here. I'm like, Bob, it's not a cookie time, dude. Let's go. So what else do you see?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, it's crazy that they don't have access. It's weird when you go to another place and see a cultural difference that you hadn't even noticed before. Like, oh, I have access to shoes when I want it. I might not be able to afford them, but I can get them.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
He must have been like, this guy's been weird in front of me. Like, no, no, no, that's just who he is. He's going to hang himself soon. Don't worry about that.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
It was so much fun. Who'd you go with? A chick. I met my friend. My friend's in line to be the prime minister there from college. Really? Yeah, his dad was the prime minister. And then when I met him, he was the ambassador of America. White guy? Tobagin? No. Dark skin black. Yeah, they only have Indians and blacks there pretty much. But everyone's dancing, whining on each other.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
They're whining on me. They were playing This Is Not Happening for some reason on loop. On loop. So for like four hours a day, they were playing This Is Not Happening in Trinidad. No residuals. And so I was getting recognized in Trinidad and Tobago. Some chick was like, are you Ari Shaffir? And I was like, yeah. She goes, can I wine on you? I'm like, yeah. She's just fucking backing it up.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
That's what they do there? Yeah. It's not even sexual. It's just like backing it up right on your ass and just rub it. And they just go all the way down.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Food is cleaner other places. Okay. Like in Cuba, they don't have much, but they don't have... chemicals to put in there either. And then it's like the need to work for life. Oh, she's teaching how to wine. I might have watched this video before I went. God. And what do you do? Stand there? Stand there. You can lift one leg around them. Try to go down with them. I mean, you can't do it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
But they're like... It's funny, the white guy trying. But there's no like... They're not like mad at you for being there. There's so few whites. There are? Yeah. Yeah. I think the Rio one has more. Whoa.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Fair is fair. It's just like you notice like, oh, we have some good things where we are. You get to appreciate that. But then also like the need to work as your method of reward. It's like, nah, it shouldn't be that. It should be work to play.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
like how much value we put on that yeah it's like never any work till you die and there they're like they work for the for the weekend you get you try to go towards like some fun yeah so there they have like carnival season it's a month plus long parties parties parties it's great juve everyone's like throwing paint on each other and mud juve juve juve it's like Jouvert. That's in Trinidad?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, it's the night before. So you're up all night, you get two hours of sleep, then go back to drinking and whining. Yeah, that's Jouvert. Jouvert. J-O-U-V-R-T. Everyone's fighting with...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
No, they're fighting with paint. No, they're in a great mood. It's all pretty safe.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, it sounds so fucking weird. And it comes from some weird version of Christianity and slavery celebrating.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Steel drum. You know why they did steel drum? Because they outlawed drumming because they were like, you're riling people up. So let's get these abandoned steel drums, like the oil drums. We'll make music out of that. Wow.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, here's me in my fucking costume. Wow. Wasn't that fun?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
It was so fucking fun. So he showed us how to do it, my friend Brian.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, I got lost in it. You look so native. It was so fun. I mean, they party. They do it right. There's no status. There's no any of that. What do you mean they party? They go to let loose. Like a Filipino lady and all the Filipinos in China and stuff, when it's the weekend, they party. They just dance on the docks together. They go for it. They're like, let's let loose.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
It's not about like, which table am I at? Who's going to be here? Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
We can't even comprehend it. You see one in the audience like, oh, what are you doing here? It's like, I'm on holiday. And you're like, oh, so just LA in the back? Like, no, LA, Vegas, Miami, and then Copenhagen, London, whatever. Like, how long are you going for? Field of dreams we're going to.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And Australians, all they really want to do is try the different Cokes from around the country. Oh, they like doing cocaine?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
They love it. And they have the worst. Oh, yeah. They love it the most and have the worst. So it's like imagine you dunking. I love to dunk, but I can't really do it because I can't really do it. But then you go to like the moon and you're like, I can dunk now. All you want to do is just dunk all day. Just fucking jumping right past the sun.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
But also, is it just like right there, the rocks broke down just that way? That's like Bigfoot shit. It really is. Or UFOs. Every time a UFO, like, look at this. I'm like, I can't see context. That looks like a dot.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
So you're like, oh, you're just a guy. You do the same. You're like, oh, I see you with your dog. You're fine. You're normal.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
It's always incredible speeds. And you're like, how about it's far away? Look, if you have something really far away and it's moving across the screen like that, you're like, that's slow. If it's right here, it's like, oh my God, that's so fast. It's just, you can't see the fucking scale. You can't see where it is.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
You've got to discover it. You've got to be a real scuba-doo.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, where else are they going to be? Where's next? In the fridge? I know. Where do you want to go? Still Argentina? Yeah. Yeah. Bariloche. You know a place? Map that for me.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
You're like, yeah, I gotta go there. Time with Bon Jovi. Wow. Wow. Oh, so it gets cold there too.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
It does look perfect. San Carlos de Bariloche. Looks beautiful. Halifax is beautiful. You've been there. I just went for the first time.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I've been trying to go to Eastern Canada for so fucking long and my Jews just keep telling me it's not worth it for the money. And I'm like, I want to go. And they go, fine, only winter. I'm like, no, no. You gotta be outside during that. Like, you'll draw less. I'm like, guys, get me out there. And I finally went. I loved it. Beautiful. Weird, cool people. Isolated. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, I met Rob Lowe, who's one of the big, who did my travel podcast. Yeah. And he was like, can I change? And the other room was like, yeah, sure. It's filthy. I had someone sleeping in there yesterday, so like, but like, yeah, whatever. And then it's just like, yeah, I don't have to like cater to him. You're a guy, fucking go in there and change. I don't know. Right.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Strange, different people. Real fucking, what's that movie where they put that guy in a box? And they burned it alive. I think one of them, I think Nicolas Cage did a remake of it. Matchstick? Match? Wicker Man? Wicker Man. It looks like Wicker Man-ish for sure. Yeah, it was great. Yeah, I love that.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, outside Mount Pelier. Very beautiful. It's just like a perfect place. I've been doing that now a lot when I meet somebody from another country. I'm like, what's your tips? And they go, oh, well, go to Buenos Aires. I'm like, no, no, no, no. You're from Buenos Aires. Give me a restaurant, a bar, or where you go hiking outside of there.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And then they tell me, and I put it on Google Maps, and I'm like, I'm getting there.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
This is where DeRosa lives in Pennsylvania. City like this. Yeah. Yeah. Like like an hour outside Philadelphia. Pennsylvania's got some beautiful places. Yeah. But like a small downtown just like that. He's the mayor. Yeah. You got one light. Yeah. That place is a great spot. That's the kind of thing you do when you're on the road where it's like, all right, I'm going to go.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I'm going to stay a few days longer or go a few days early, chill out, then do my shows or stay there and drive in for your shows and go back.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, and that's how they all are. It's just, it's weird realizing as you grow up, they're not different.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Maybe it was a mortician. Maybe it was lunch. But yeah, that normal shit that you can get a lot out of them. That'd be fun. Yeah. Who'd drive the RV? You? Or you could have somebody else be driving it or switch off.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Well, if you do that, guess what you're going to have to do first? Nut inside. Nut inside, buddy. That's it. It's for you. It's all there.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
That would be cool. Me and O'Neal and Matt Edgar did one where we did Spokane and we did Tacoma. Yeah. No, Tacoma then Spokane. So two days there, two days there. In the interim, we found a fire station, a fire lookout station that had been redone. So it was an hour hike to get up. There's no roads in. We took all our shit and we stayed up there for like three days doing mushrooms.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
There's hundreds of acres around us. Wow. There's nothing up there. And it was a 360 deck on top so none of the animals would get at you, but you could be out there. You just found it? Yeah, O'Neal found it. Damn. And the guy was like, yeah, we own this. We retrofitted it. They don't need these fire lookouts anymore. That's cool. But that's all there if you're willing to take the week in between.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And you're doing it in New York? New York. Or if we're in Austin together, we can do it then.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, I have a studio there too. Yeah, that'd be fun to go to the different places. I've never really gone through and thought about. Yeah, you'll think about it. You're going to remember stuff as we go. That's what happens to everybody when they're doing it. When they're doing one of the episodes, they're like, and then I went, oh, that chick Margaret. Oh, yeah. That moment I love.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, somebody said like whenever you have a big movie now, they're like, oh, let's get like Matt Damon or Brad Pitt. That'll be a big, big star. But it's like no one under 28 worships that guy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, wheels up. Wheels up at this time. Yeah, anchors up. So all of that was kind of fascinating. Do you think Fantasy Island was a precursor for Epstein Island?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Was it a real place? No, it was a TV show. Oh, it was?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I think so. I don't know how to spell it. Yeah, him. That was your buddy's dad? That guy. Slung. I guarantee you that guy came inside. You think? Dead at 90.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
He was fucking until he was 88 and a half. Guaranteed. Oh no, this wasn't his dad then. He was just a captain on a boat. He fell in love on a boat and he was the captain. Yeah, that's it. That's it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
You're going to not continue it when you're like, no, I'm not lying. I'm not lying about any of these things. I love there was a clip of you on Rogan when you were like, you're doing the Theo thing and you're like, I can't do the accent. I was like, man, these... These bees are just exploding. And Joe just starts laughing. And you're like, yeah, they're exploding.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
He's like, what are you talking about? I go, look it up, Jamie. And everyone thinks you're lying. And he goes, yeah, there's exploding bees. And he goes, yeah, what do you mean?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
So like it's a 50-year-old studio exec saying that'll be a hit. I was like, no, no, get Timothee Chalamet.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And a lust for knowledge. He wants to keep feeding it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Thank you. Yeah, I wanted this one more regular people to see it and less YouTube people.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
There's lower views on Netflix for people at my level. But it does take time for people to get to it too. Yeah. But then also just like I'm trying to really get through with humor of like chill, chill. Everything's nice. So hopefully some people – I've seen some people feel, hey, I put down the phone all day because that's special. I'm like, great. Getting through to you.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah. Cause that's how they really captivated you. Yeah. It's like, man. Yeah. The closer is the darkest one. Yeah. Yeah. So get to the closer, I guess. And then I'm on tour. Cool. All over America, the farewell tour before I go backpacking, man.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
What? The tour? Yeah. The tour's now, and then I'm gonna end that and leave. Just go a couple more months of hanging out in New York, having fun, and then take off.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Take off, and then I don't know. But the You Be Trippin' podcast will still come out.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And what a great idea, too. So it's all about trips to be able to take in. Like one trip you took. Yeah. Come back, tell me about a different trip. Come back, tell me about a different trip. But you just stay in that place. And it's not like, what am I supposed to do? It's like, what did you do? Right. Yeah. I fell in love.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Danny Palaszczuk was like, I had dengue fever in Laos, but the whole time in a sand floor hospital. Perfect. Tell me about it. Fuck. Yeah. I just love it. As soon as I finished the episodes, I just like sit there and like sigh. Like, I want to go there. And sometimes I'm like, that was bad.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
It's the best. You're nervous. You're nervous. I'll do it later. If you just, my booker in Romania, he goes, I'm trying to go to Thailand. I couldn't go. And you know what? I'm buying a ticket. And then I'm going to force myself to go from six months or no. If I have a ticket, I'm going. And he did. And he went.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
No, New York. Oh, you still live in New York. Just publicly. Every time I'm there, there's so many fucking pictures. So everyone's like, I guess you must be there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can't do two feet without somebody posting a picture.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah. You're like, it's almost like, Hey, how's, how's the crowd? I'm about to go on. I noticed you like, Oh, all right.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
For sure. It's exciting. They got some shit to overcome. They want to be the real scene. Yeah. Yeah the They they need to know where they're weak.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, there's a lot of like ass kiss in there It's like we're great. We're great and you really got to focus on why we're terrible self-hating was always drive you better than celebration Oh, you know what, that's a good, I don't know if there's as much self-hatred there. Yeah, the store, especially when you started going there, like right after me, it was like no one was there. Like we suck.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
We fucking suck. It's obvious. No one's here to see us. So let's try to be better.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, four-year comics with like serious road draws. Like, oh, you need that fucking struggle time. You started with a spotter. That's not the best way to work out. I didn't even really think about that. Yeah, but it's still exciting. It's a new burgeoning scene and that's pretty exciting. There's no Hollywood there to fuck it up, to shit people away from what they're doing.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
And a lot of comedians went. I think the bigger thing is those five, six-year comics that are going. And in 10 years, it's a long game to make that scene something. And in 10 years, they're going to be the best comics. And they're going to be Austin comics.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah. Do you ever, I mean, I don't know how you are normally. You're so fucking big now. It's pretty cool. But like I talked to Shane too. I'm like, can you go up and like get an honest rep anymore?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Not Dane Cook. Yeah, at the time. When Dane was Dane. Shane and Dane. Shane and Dane. Buddy cops. Where they don't do anything. They just get drunk instead. And Dane just goes, come on, don't drink, don't drink, don't drink. And Shane just keeps drinking. And they never solve a crime. Dane has a big idea and then Shane just. Seems gay. Raises his eyebrow at him. All right, I won't. Seems gay.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Nothing happens every single episode. Just sit there and kind of half argue. Yeah, you need an honest rep. There's times where I go up in New York and it's a big applause. And sometimes I go up and it's like, one guy's like that. And I'm like, oh, nice. Okay, this is going to be a real. I'll really tell if my jokes are good this time. This is going to be fair. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah. I remember doing one time I was doing, when I was doing that juice special, I would do Q and A's to like, what do you want to know about juice? And sometimes you'd be like, what's the Oval on like? I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Just two questions. And then one time in Houston, I was like, all right, I'm going to, I'm going to do this. They said something about bird.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
I was like, I was like, all right, bird did that, whatever. And then Tom and I was doing that. And then this black couple, this guy, just raising his hand. He raised his hand. I was like, yeah, question. He goes, who are all those people? And I was like, oh, right. Yeah, you don't know the back story. I can't do shit like that. Yeah. Well, black people started podcasting a lot more last year.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E561 Ari Shaffir
Yeah, they just figured out how to get online. Yeah, they couldn't figure out the password. They keep changing their phone numbers too much. It's linked to an old phone number. That could be true, yeah.