Karen Doherty is a leading Neurodiversity couples therapist and coach. Over the past 22 years Karen has designed a unique coaching method which she’s used to help thousands of couples improve their relationships. Chapter 00:00 Trailer 01:29 What’s your mission 03:56 Common ADHD romantic challenges (and how to overcome them) 08:14 Overcoming Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria 15:48 Tiimo advert 17:02 Navigating shame 19:13 How to keep the excitement alive 25:37 Can a child cure the boredom 28:51 Why some people are not destined to be together 30:27 Lessons from success stories 34:27 When your partner thinks ‘ADHD isn’t real’ 37:28 ADHD positives 41:00 Ned Hallowell Brain Health advert 42:24 What does ‘Unity’ mean in couple therapy 43:49 ADHD item 46:41 The ADHD agony aunt section 51:03 A letter from the previous guest Visit Karen’s website 👉 https://karendohertycoaching.co.uk Get 30% off an annual Tiimo subscription 👉 https://www.tiimoapp.com/adhdchatter Get 10% off the Hallowell Brain Health App 👉 https://zingperformance.com/adhd-chatter/ Buy Alex's book entitled 'Now It All Makes Sense' 👉 https://www.amazon.co.uk/Now-All-Makes-Sense-Diagnosis/dp/1399817817 Producer: Timon Woodward Recorded by: Hamlin Studios Trailer Editor: Ryan Faber DISCLAIMER: The content in the podcast and on this webpage is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or qualified healthcare provider. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on the podcast or on my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: Who is Karen Doherty and what is her mission in neurodiversity couples therapy?
Chapter 2: What are common relationship challenges faced by couples with ADHD?
And out of the thousands of neurodivergent couples that you've seen, what are some of those common problems that they come to you with?
Mood dysregulation is a big one, and included in that is the RSD. Communication issues. The way that the different brains process information, that difference is difficult because people... sometimes assume that the other is the same as them because they love them so much. They just assume, oh, well, we're the same. And it's just not.
Even if you've got two NDs in a relationship, doesn't necessarily mean that those NDs are complementary.
Karen Doherty is a leading neurodiversity couples therapist. who's helped thousands of people with ADHD experiencing difficulty in their relationships. Her mission is to help those with ADHD be understood by their partners and build happier relationships.
How many couples I see that actually have no idea of each other's needs. It's remarkable whether they're neurodiversity or not. The unification of the thinking, the talents, the skills, the quirks, just being able to unify over these things. But that conversation hasn't come into the maelstrom of life.
You're in a relationship and for whatever reason, things have gone sour. The person goes into problem solving mode and thinks, let's have a child. Is that a good idea? This episode is dedicated to anyone who has ever been in a relationship and didn't feel heard. Karen, thank you so much for joining us again.
Thank you for having me. So nice to be back.
I suppose it's quite a foundational question to start with, Karen. What's your mission? What do you... aim to achieve with the work that you're doing.
So that's a good question. My mission has always been that I really believe in relationships. I really believe that we function so much better in relation to others and that it's just such a rich vein, a rich avenue to personally develop, develop communities, all sorts of things. And it's been a passion forever. I trained as a couple therapist. I didn't train as an individual therapist.
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Chapter 3: How does Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) affect relationships and how can it be managed?
You don't feel good enough to actually be honest, open, and vulnerable. Because the minute you can be, it changes the narrative. The minute that you no longer defend but say, oh, I'm really hurt. I need a moment to recover. It changes the conversation. It changes the situation immediately. But that takes confidence. It takes feeling good enough to be able to do it.
And for me, that happens post-diagnosis a lot of the time.
Is it a form of self-sabotage or at least sabotaging the relationship, this kind of pushing your partner away because they're contradicting that feeling of not being enough? Are there some subtle signs that someone might be doing that, that they might not even see in a subconscious way?
I think sometimes, I think there's a few ingredients in that sort of mix there. I think sometimes, A, there's a lack of confidence, so you can't really communicate with your partner. B, there's an incredible frustration and anger at your previous experience. And that leads you to sort of can't be bothered actually to explain.
You just get caught up in this melee of sort of anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment and can't be bothered. It's too much. And you move to overwhelm. And then that's it, isn't it? You've moved to overwhelm and there's no conversation. So it's one of the first things that has to be worked with in my room. Okay, how do we deal with this? How do we manage it?
How do we get you thinking about pausing? How do we get the partners to understand? I mean, how do you both deal with it if you're both ADHD and you're both triggered? Come on, how are we going to do that? How are we going to knock that out? How are we going to calm that down? So it is all about recognition and strategies.
Do you think if you're with someone for long enough, you can know them so well that you can see when they're triggered, perhaps even before they know that they are?
Oh, definitely. That's part of some of the problems that come into the room is that partners become so hypervigilant around their partners that they're constantly sort of Walking on eggshells, over-facilitating, trying to avoid, trying to calm down, and they don't. And it's all done with the partners just assuming that that's what's going on. The actual ND might not know.
Might not know that they're moving towards that. And it's a big issue. It's a big issue in couples how the one partner might walk on eggshells just a tad too often. Mm-hmm. And the ND is not aware, not aware of the hurt that the partner's feeling or the fear that the partner's feeling of triggering.
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