Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
This is an All Ears English podcast, episode 2578. Don't fall into these conversation traps. Welcome to the All Ears English Podcast, downloaded more than 200 million times. Are you feeling stuck with your English?
Chapter 2: What are the conversation traps to avoid in American culture?
We'll show you how to become fearless and fluent by focusing on connection, not perfection with your American host, Aubrey Carter, the IELTS whiz, and Lindsay McMahon, the English adventurer. coming to you from Arizona and Colorado, USA. And to get your transcripts delivered by email every week, go to allearsenglish.com forward slash subscribe. Today is a what not to say episode.
Find out what comments you should avoid, especially about someone's appearance that may be okay in your own culture, but will get you into trouble in the U.S. English is part of how you're evaluated, whether you like it or not, in meetings, in interviews, in negotiations. The question isn't whether your English is okay or good enough. It's whether it's working for you.
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That's allearsenglish.com slash f-l-u-e-n-c-y-s-c-o-r-e. Hello, Lindsay. How are you today? I'm feeling energetic today, Aubrey. How about you? Yeah, you don't look tired. Does anyone ever tell you you look tired? Yeah, I just got that like two nights ago. I know this came up in a recent episode, right? Where we sort of mentioned that like, oh, don't tell people they look tired.
And we promised this follow up with sort of phrases we should avoid when referring to someone's appearance. So I'm excited to get into this. I'm excited because this episode, this concept is so culturally important. The person that told me I look tired two nights ago, I was at a dinner with a community meditation group. It was at an Indian restaurant.
And the guy was actually, he's from India, but he lives in the U.S. and works in the U.S. And he just, he said it out of care, right? Of like, oh, you look so tired now. You're feeling tired in the evenings. And he was a conversation starter. He wanted to know about my life. So I think it's really cultural, this episode. Absolutely. Very cultural.
So a lot of what we're sharing is about American culture, what this is like in the United States. This could be very different in your culture. And that's sort of what causes the problem. You might be a lot more comfortable commenting on someone's physical appearance than you should in the United States. Yeah, it's really interesting. Yeah, really good stuff.
So I'm glad we're covering this today for our listeners. We're going beyond language and into culture and, of course, always sticking with connection. We'll show you why these break the connection. But first, guys, hit the follow button right here on the show. If you're on Apple, if you are in Spotify, we want to see you following the show.
So we drop into your listening queue every – well, we do publish five days a week, Aubrey, over here, don't we? Yes, I know. It's amazing. Five episodes a week.
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Chapter 3: Why is commenting on someone's appearance problematic?
That's got to be a record. Yeah. Oh yeah, it's probably a record. I don't know if everyone else does that. It's probably a record. Plus, if you like to watch us on YouTube, that's another way to learn. You could hit subscribe on YouTube. So you have lots of options, but make sure you are right there with us on a regular basis. Okay? Yes. Watch on YouTube to make it worth me doing my hair.
Very nice. So what would be, so here in this episode, we have a number of categories of types of things you want to stay away from, and then we'll say exact things you don't want to say, right? What not to say. Exactly. Yeah. So the first one we're talking about is health or physical condition. So this, first of all, in the United States, these can feel very intrusive or judgmental. Yes.
And that you may accidentally be referring to private health issues that someone would not want pointed out or would not feel comfortable discussing. Yeah, for sure. I agree. Intrusive. It is sort of – it's penetrating the privacy bubble that in the U.S. we construct around ourselves, right? Yes. Exactly. So we're going to share some specific examples.
And a lot of these – like you said, Lindsay – Rarely is offense intended. You don't mean to tell someone that they look sick or tired. You just are maybe starting a conversation or just sort of stating something that just seems matter of fact to you. But in United States culture, this often would be interpreted as a criticism or as intrusive. Yeah.
And I just want to like do a little gut check on the intensity of this. So if you say these things, it's not like people are like, I can't believe you said that. Oh my gosh, we can't talk. I'll never talk to you again. This is more slightly offensive and slightly annoying, somewhere between offensive and annoying for people to get these questions, right? Absolutely. They might be like, okay, rude.
Right. All right. And then they might try to steer the question. They'll probably keep talking to you. It's just a little bit of a turnoff, I would say. Yes, exactly. So the first one we mentioned is just you look tired. Right. So just definitely any appear anything that could at all be considered negative about someone's appearance. Yeah, that's what we would want to avoid.
Yeah, because they can't go in any good direction. They have to say, oh, yeah, yeah, I've been working a lot. I haven't been sleeping. Like, where can that go that's good, right? Or, you know, oh, I'm not tired. I'm just not wearing makeup or something. Right, or something. And I know, again, that the person's just saying it because they want to show that they care.
There are a lot of other ways to show that you care. You've been listening. You want to ask them about something you know they participated in last week. Maybe they had a job interview, right? Yeah. Right. Exactly. So you wouldn't want to say like you look tired or are you tired or maybe something like are you sick?
Because if in the United States, usually if someone is sick, for example, if they have cancer, they would want to be the one to share that with you. They wouldn't want to have to share it because you have pointed out that they don't look healthy. A hundred percent. They should have full agency with that. And so when they're ready, when and if they're ready. Yeah.
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Chapter 4: What types of comments about health should you avoid?
Then age. Now, this might also be pretty unique to American culture. We're only speaking for American culture here. But staying away from age. Age is such a problem. Oh, gosh, tricky topic in our culture. Right. And both age. older and younger, right? So if you think you're complimenting someone looking young, you say, you don't look your age. Oh, I can't believe you're 40. You don't look it.
Something like that is still uncomfortable making, as we say, it's still sort of awkward. And then maybe someone sitting next to you is like, so what do you say? Are you saying I look 40? I think Yeah, exactly. No, totally. Stay away from it. Don't say you're too young to look so tired. Here we're blending two traps, the age trap and the physical health status trap.
Because often when we tell someone they look tired, what we're really telling them is they look old. At least that's how that's going to be interpreted. Yeah, that's a good one. I love that. It's so true. And then the next bucket would be skin, face or natural features. Yes. So imagine someone has maybe like a bruise or something, who knows what's going on.
And someone might say like, what happened to your face? Or where did that cut? Like, I would just not mention it unless they offer. Oh, it's so true. I know this time last year, I came down with a bad case of shingles and I had like...
spots on my face and it was really like it messed up my eye for a week or two and if someone this is similar to like why is your face so red what's going on it's like it draws attention to you it makes you feel worse and then it makes the person focus a lot on their own face they just want to get out of that and focus on whether they're working with their co-worker or trying to get it go through the day right right exactly don't ever say like what's that on your face or what's that like just don't mention it yeah we all see it we don't need to mention it
Totally. Or don't say you look pale. I mean. Yeah, this is the same as like you look flushed, right? Yeah. This is very similar to telling someone they look sick or sickly. If we could say they look pale, better to just not say it. Exactly. Or your wrinkles are shot. I don't know who would say this. I don't think anyone would ever say this. But don't make comments about people's wrinkles.
Exactly. Wrinkles, freckles, or saying your hair is thinning. Any kind of statement you could make about a change in appearance is just unwelcome, at least in the United States. Yeah. And then avoiding complimenting too, just because that implies that you've been paying attention and maybe their skin was worse the day before or the week before. Your skin looks great today.
Seems like it's a well-meaning comment. I mean, I would say it to my partner. Does that mean it looked bad yesterday? Yeah, exactly. You would say it to your sister, your partner, maybe. But anything more than that, coworkers, friends. And even my sister, I could see her being like, does it not normally look good? Yeah, they could start a fight. These are traps, guys. Traps. Exactly.
Stay out of the trap. Yes. All right. Number five, assumptions based on appearance. So we kind of already covered this, right? Yeah. Are you asking if you're pregnant, you look pregnant. Also, you look stressed or you must be exhausted or you look like you didn't sleep. The stress piece is interesting. Yes.
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Chapter 5: How can discussing body size or weight lead to misunderstandings?
We'll see you next time. All right. See you next time. All right. Bye. Thanks for listening to All Ears English. Would you like to know your English level? Take our two-minute quiz. Go to allearsenglish.com forward slash fluency score. And if you believe in connection, not perfection, then hit subscribe now to make sure you don't miss anything. See you next time.