to be human is to be gross, weird, disgusting and bizarre. we're all gross and weird. but most other people don't see us being gross and weird. it makes me shudder to think about it. however, ironically, today, i'm going to be sharing with you all of the gross and weird shit that i do when i'm alone. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What does it mean to be gross and weird?
To be human is to be gross and weird. To be human is to be disgusting and bizarre. To be human is to poop and pee and pick your boogers and talk to yourself in the mirror and itch your armpit and then sniff your finger. To be human is to be ultimately gross and weird. And that's normal. We're all gross and weird. However, most other people don't see us being gross and weird.
Chapter 2: Why do we hide our gross behaviors?
On occasion, our family member, best friend, or significant other might catch us being gross and weird. And depending on our closeness to that person, it might not be so bad. But for the most part, other people don't see us being gross or weird. Some of our grossest and weirdest moments usually happen alone. And there's something kind of stressful about that.
I know I personally find myself feeling like, oh my God, I'm a freak and no one knows. I feel like an imposter. I'm putting off this facade to the world that I'm cool, I'm cute, I'm clean. Actually, nobody thinks I'm clean, and nobody has since I was a teenager. When I one time said on the internet that I don't like to shower... that has stuck with me.
And people have thought of me as unhygienic for the remainder of my career. So maybe my feelings are irrational because people actually do think that I'm gross and weird. So that's kind of nice. But people don't know how gross and weird I am. People don't know how We are the only ones who are with ourselves 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to see every single side of ourselves.
Our most disgusting and bizarre of moments come out when we're alone. Recently, in my moments alone, I've been finding myself doing shit that I cannot imagine other people seeing. Like truly, it makes me shudder to think about others seeing into my home, seeing into my car, seeing into my mind in my moments alone because some of the shit I do is just fucking weird or gross or bizarre.
Like it's kind of mortifying. However, ironically, today, I'm going to be sharing with you all of the gross and weird shit that I do when I'm alone to make you feel less gross and weird about yourself and to hopefully entertain you and to get it off my chest.
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Let's begin with a story. One of my most disgusting stories. I actually cannot believe that this happened. And please refrain from harsh judgment because this story is hard to fathom and it's a little weird. So just bear with me here. So I was sitting at my desk in my office, working on my computer one evening around 5 p.m. Sun was going down. It was getting dark. I was like, ugh.
I was sitting there at my desk working, and I was starting to get a little bit distracted, as I do sometimes after working for a few hours. And I noticed that I had a weird taste in my mouth. I think I have a tonsil stone. And I was like, I get tonsil stones every once in a while. If you don't know what a tonsil stone is, let me educate you. This is a little bit disgusting, I'm warning you.
So bear with me. Tonsil stones are small, hard lumps that form in the tonsils. They're made of food debris, bacteria, fungi, and minerals like calcium. Tonsil stones are caused by debris trapped in the tonsillar crypts, which calcifies. This can often be food, although bacteria, fungi, and mucus can also form tonsil stones.
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Chapter 3: What are tonsil stones and why are they problematic?
They can also form due to allergies when you have an upper respiratory tract infection like the flu, common cold, or post-nasal drip. I personally get tonsil stones in my left tonsil because, number one, I have very bad seasonal allergies and post-nasal drip. It's mucus issues.
In addition to that, from inspecting my left tonsil, I have a lot of folds and creases and crevices in my left tonsil that basically are begging for things to get caught within the folds of it, right? So I have very good dental hygiene, oral hygiene. I brush my teeth twice a day. I always get good reports from the dentist. It's not that.
It is that I have allergies and a particularly folded, increased left tonsil. Now, the first time I got a tonsil stone was traumatic for me. I had no idea what the taste in my mouth was because this is disgusting, but tonsil stones, you can kind of tell that they're there. You can't feel them unless they're really big, but mine never get that big. You can taste them.
And I'm very hyper aware of my body, okay? So the second I start developing a tonsil stone, I can taste it. And it's subtle, but I can taste it. And the taste of it comes in waves. It's disgusting. And I've asked people in my life, boyfriends, my parents, like, hey, can you smell this on my breath? It's disgusting. I know. I'm sorry. And all of them have so far said no.
And I know that one of them would at least be honest. All of those people, those are people in my life that are not yes men, okay? Yes women, if we're talking about my mom. They would tell me. So luckily, my tonsil stones are not severe enough to cause social issues. But to me, they're disgusting, okay? And to make the matters even more disgusting, if I taste one or smell one—disgusting—
I will shine a flashlight into my throat and look at my tonsil. And I'll take my long acrylic nail and I'll push my tonsil around and look and see if there's a little tonsil stone hidden on my tonsil. Now, you can see them very easily. They're not on the inside of the tonsil. They're on the outside. It's almost like having a pimple on your tonsil. And it's like a white little growth.
Now, mine are very small, usually. Mine never get that big, which is great. But I can still find them and remove them. And removing it consists of picking it out with my nail, spitting out the excess, and then gargling with salt water until it's really clean back there, and then moving on with my day. So let's go back in time to 5 p.m. working at my desk. I taste a tonsil stone in my mouth.
I have a little mirror in my office. It's there for decor purposes, not really there for a functional mirror, but just adds a bit of texture to the room. For the first time in my life, I decide, you know, I'm actually going to use this mirror because I think I can taste a tonsil stone. And I start flashing my, you know, flashlight into my throat to try to get this thing out.
And I'm looking around and I'm looking around and it's clearly in one of the folds or it's not big enough to see yet, you know, one or the other. So I'm like really digging in there. And I will say, you know, I have a pretty good gag reflex, like not to be weird. But I can really dig my finger back there and get in there. You know what I mean? And I'll gag a little bit, but I'm pretty good.
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Chapter 4: What embarrassing incident happened while removing a tonsil stone?
I'd much rather be doing something else. So let me just like spend an hour trying to get out this tonsil stone that I can't even find apparently. All of a sudden, the unthinkable happens. The unthinkable happens. I projectile vomit, I kid you not, onto the floor. Actually, not just on the floor, on the rug in my office, on the curtains in my office, on the wall. I mean, I was in shock, okay?
I've tested my gag reflex enough. I've never thrown up and I've pushed myself to the limit. I thought I had it. What? Throw up all over the floor. Not just like a cute little bit. No, no, no. My entire lunch from a few hours. But it was an unbelievable tragedy. I'm glad no one else was there, okay? Because it was a tough cleanup process.
There's only one person on the planet who I would allow to do it. It's me. I don't even think I'd allow my mother to clean that up. And I'd let her clean up a lot because she's my mom. And I still am like, mommy, you know, but no, that was even, I, that's a, that's a mess only you can clean up. It was unbelievable.
It was a freak accident, but it was one of those scenarios where I was like, oh my God, thank God no one else is here. Like randomly throwing up. Oh my God, I've been having like a lot of weird random throw up incidences recently. Like alcohol all of a sudden making me throw up after one glass of wine. That is not an exaggeration.
Go listen to my episode about my alcohol intolerance, question mark. Apparently, I have that now. Self-diagnosed. Should probably go get it tested before I jump to conclusions. But anyway, go listen to that conversation if you want. It's an episode from a week ago or two. Insane. Insane situation. So yeah, me accidentally throwing up everywhere in my office. You know what's so fucked up too?
Normally I try to remove my tonsil stones in my bathroom because that's where all of my other mirrors are. So it was like this freak accident that I was in my office where there's a rug and there's a curtain. And it's like, you know, whereas if I would have done that in front of the sink in my bathroom, I would have then thrown up in the sink, which would have been...
gross and whatever, and it's not ideal to throw up in the sink, but it's better than throwing up all over your, you know, beautiful rug. Luckily, that's a one-off story. Let's move on to a reoccurring theme in my life. So I currently have bleached blonde hair. And in order to maintain the beautiful blonde color and not have it turn yellow, I use purple shampoo.
If you've never bleached your hair or you've never been blonde and you don't know what that means, it's bright purple shampoo that you use in your hair every other shampoo and condition session. to basically deposit cool-toned pigments into your hair to counteract the warm tones that your hair naturally want to develop.
It's kind of hard to explain and it's weird, but basically like if you don't continue to deposit cool tones into your hair, your hair will turn warm toned. And a lot of times that's not what you're going for, especially if you have blonde hair. So anyway, you have to use purple shampoo.
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Chapter 5: How do you manage your hair care routine?
And I know that this sounds somewhat normal, but like, I need you to imagine me like, I'm such a, I'm so lazy. that instead of just kind of standing there like a normal person, waiting the five minutes, I cannot bear that. I have to lay on the ground. And so I'm laying flat on the ground in the shower. And usually when I get down there, I get really cold.
So then I'm adjusting the temperature every like five to 10 seconds for the next, at least for a minute out of that, trying to get the temperature comfortable. Then my legs will start to get cold. So then I'll like lay down with my legs crunched in. And so the water's hitting my legs.
And then I'll realize like, oh, fuck, like I think my hair is getting wet and I don't want my purple shampoo and conditioner to wash out. So then I'm like kind of like putting my hands under my head in the shower. Then like my tailbone and back start to hurt because I'm like laying on the ground. So then I'll like try to sit. But then my hair is getting wet. So then I lay down again.
And then I'm like laying on my side. And then I'm like, what am I even doing? Like, I should probably just stand up. Then I stand up again. Then I'm like, I don't want to stand up. I still have like two more minutes. So then I sit back down. Then I lay back down. Like if somebody were to sit there and watch me try to kill five minutes in the shower, it is a catastrophe.
I need to figure out something to do. Like I either need to get like a shower mat so that I can lay down comfortably in the shower or I need to get like a shower chair or something. It sounds ridiculous, but my current routine is clearly not working. And it looks fucking weird. I know it looks weird.
It might not sound that weird, but if you were to be sitting there and watching me, you'd be like, she is a fucking freak. She's like changing the temperature. She can't get it right. She's like moving every 10 to 15 seconds. Like just fucking choose a position, you know? Speaking of lying down in the shower and it being kind of unusual, I also will lie down in random unexpected areas of my house.
Like I'll be in my closet getting dressed and I'll be like, I'm tired. And I'll sit down in my closet that has, you know, some carpet in there and I'll lay on the floor in silence for like five minutes or Or like the other day, I was in a kind of an emotional mood, which I hadn't been in in a while.
And I was feeling sort of sentimental, which is something that happens, you know, sometimes when I'm alone. And I was standing by my dining room table and I saw my little kitty walking up to me, Declan, my little orange kitty, the boy.
My little boy kitty, he's walking up towards me and I sit on the ground and then I lay on the ground and I call him over to me and I make my little kitty lay with me on the ground for like five minutes. I'm crying. I start crying for some reason. Again, if somebody fucking watched this, I think it would be a little bit unusual. Like I'm pretending to be a normal human. Everything is as usual.
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Chapter 6: What strange habits do we have in our homes?
And I'm even guilty of this myself. I have a brand. I've worked with brands. I've created products. And I've sent them to other public figures. I'm guilty of doing this myself. But you end up just having a lot of stuff. So I have just a garage filled with a lot of stuff. And a lot of it ends up getting donated. Some of it ends up getting kept.
And so I spend time every few weeks being like, what am I donating? What am I keeping? Whatever. And sometimes I'll be doing that and I'll decide all of a sudden, you know what? I'm going to lay down on the cold cement floor, dusty cold cement floor of my garage. I'm just going to lay down. In the middle, like imagine me, close your eyes and imagine me in my garage.
You don't know what my garage looks like, but just imagine me in a garage with a bunch of stuff in it. Boxes, all this stuff. Imagine me just working away as normal. Nothing too weird. And then all of a sudden just laying down on the ground. You'd think I was possessed by something. It's very odd. It's very odd to see. But I do it and don't even think about it. So yeah, moving on.
Another weird thing I do is, I feel like what I wear around the house is kind of weird. For one, I have these orange shorts, okay? They're an orange, a rusty orange pair of sweatshorts from Aritzia. They're like a size larger than what I would normally order, right? But they fit perfect. And Like they're the most comfortable. They're like a little baggy. They're a little baggy in the butt, right?
Like they don't fit properly. Okay. That's what I mean by they're like not the right size. Like they look a little off because they're, it looks like I'm wearing a diaper. I wear these shorts 99% of the time that I'm at home. Like right now, I'm not wearing them because it's very cold in my house because I like my house to be cold. And during the winter, I just like won't turn the heater on.
I'll just let it be like fucking 60 degrees in my house, 50 degrees in my house because I like it. Which is another weird thing I do, which is like keep my house really cold and then walk around with a robe on and then with a blanket around my shoulders and then with a heating pad. And then it's like really weird. It's like I'm walking around like a fucking snowball.
I don't know why I like that, but I do. Anyway. Back to the orange shorts. Like I am constantly wearing these orange shorts. It's really hard to even get to wash them because I'm usually wearing them while, you know, the laundry is being done. It's just, I sleep in them every night. for guys that date me, I'm always thinking about it.
I'm like, I wonder if they wish that they had a girlfriend that like at night would like put on like cute little silk pajamas and like, you know, their butt looks all cute in it. And like, maybe like a little shoulders popping out. Ooh, a little shoulder. Oh my God. So sexy. So, so smoldering. And like the hair is looking so like,
I am wearing my fucking orange shorts and at my like sexiest, if you will, like a fucking Brandy Melville tank top from like six years ago that just for some reason is like the perfect softness that I can't get rid of it. Like it just, I will never get rid of it. It's, there's something about it, you know, like that is, and it's just nothing fits right.
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Chapter 7: Why do we lay down in unexpected places?
You know, I have like two sort of at home when it's really cold sort of sweat sets, like whatever that I can wear around the house. And I wear those sometimes and I look put together when I wear those. But for the most part.
90 let's say 95% of the time I'm wearing those orange fucking shorts and some sort of really worn in about to fucking disintegrate t-shirt or like again at my sexiest a six-year-old Brandy Melville tank top and It's not that weird, but it does feel a bit weird. It's like, girl, do you have, why are you wearing the orange shorts again? Like, it's weird. It's like, it's very odd. I don't know.
Maybe it's not odd. Something a bit more odd than the orange shorts and bundling up in like 15 layers around the house in a way that makes no logical sense would be some of the shit I do in the mirror. Like I'll, I'll like get out of the shower. Okay. Now it sounds like, oh my God, it sounds like this is going in a weird direction. I'm not talking about, I have to see my butthole.
Like that's not what I'm about to say. Although every once in a while you have to do that just to see like what's going on in there. But that's not what I'm, that's not where I was going with this. Like let's say I'm like doing my makeup or something, right? Or I'm getting dressed for the day and I'm looking in a mirror, you know, whatever.
Sometimes I will suddenly become entranced, but not like by myself in some sort of like self-love way. Like, wow, what a beautiful woman. That unfortunately doesn't happen for me, but I'll become like distracted. Like, huh, how am I like perceived by others? What do I look like? I'll almost pose for a photo in the mirror.
Like I will like look at what I look like when I'm like posing in certain ways or like what I look like from different angles. And I do that frequently. Like I don't even know why or like how it starts, but I will say something interesting about it, even though it looks fucking weird. Like when I'm looking in the mirror, it's almost like I'm practicing posing in the mirror. Okay. Um,
which is not completely useless for me in my life because I do photo shoots here and there. I go on a red carpet here and there. Not as much recently because I'm not loving the vibe. Not loving the vibe of a red carpet right now just does not sound ultimately fulfilling for me.
So not recently, but I've had years there where I've gone to many red carpets, and there's something helpful about understanding the connection between your body movement and what it looks like in the mirror. It's nice to understand, like, oh, if I move like this, I look like that. And it's impossible to know that unless you move around a lot in the mirror.
you know, in a way it's actually been like a helpful, weird thing that I do. And maybe that's subconsciously why I do it because I'm trying to teach myself movement to appearance connection, you know, like make that connection. I don't know, but either way it fucking looks weird. And I will say it, I think it's made me photograph better.
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Chapter 8: How does living in a cold house affect our behavior?
Like some of the things I've mentioned thus far, it's like that's not that weird. This next one's pretty weird. So I have grown accustomed to a squatty potty. If you don't know what that is, it's basically this little stool-like contraption that you place where your feet go when you're sitting on the toilet to elevate your feet probably eight inches or so off the ground.
to allegedly align your colon or something in the correct position for pooping. Basically, the reason why the squatty potty was created apparently was so that your body, while sitting on the toilet, could be in the proper position to let poop come out easier.
Because allegedly, sitting normally on the toilet as though you're sitting in a chair is actually not the ideal position for poop to easily come out Right. Cause you got a lot of stuff going on in your lower abdomen. You got a lot of tubes and pipes and all this.
And so in order to straighten things out, I guess not straighten things out, but like create the least amount of blockage, I guess, apparently having your knees up while you're going to the bathroom is very helpful. I agree with this. Like I think it absolutely makes a difference. So I have squatty potties all over my house, but sometimes when I'm in public, I don't got a squatty potty. Okay.
They actually do sell portable ones, but I just find it disgusting. The idea of like unfolding his squatty potty, putting it on the floor in a public bathroom and then refolding it back up and putting it in my purse with all the bathroom bacteria on it. No thanks. Okay.
So what I will do is, I've done this many times when I've pooped in a public bathroom, kick over the mini trash can, okay, if there's like a mini trash can, I'll kick that over and I'll put my fucking legs up on it. One time, oh my God, I'm actually remembering something hilarious. I'm so used to doing this. I have one bathroom.
It's like, it's right off the kitchen, right off the dining room, right off the living room. It's sort of like the communal bathroom. And then I have my own, you know, private bathroom in my, you know, bedroom. And so like that one obviously has a squatty potty and the whole nine. But that bathroom doesn't have a squatty potty in it.
Just because I was like, it's the one that when guests come over, they tend to use. And I don't know, I just didn't put a squatty potty in that one. One time I went pee in that bathroom. And there's no squatty potty in there, but there is a little trash can. Now I was just going pee. Okay. And I was not alone. Okay. My boyfriend was at my house. I pulled the little trash can over.
I have my legs up. I literally, I do what I would do if I was in a public bathroom. I kicked over the fuck just to go pee, by the way, I wasn't even pooping. But I just, for some reason, was in autopilot. I was on my phone, like doing a text, like texting somebody. I was very in the zone. So I kicked it over and I had my legs up on it. And I was like peeing.
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