[video available on spotify] welcome back to advice session, a series here on anything goes where you send in your dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and i give you my unprofessional advice. today’s topic is friendship - specifically, the conflicts, frustrations, and challenges that can come up. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What are common causes of conflict and frustration in friendships?
Welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and I give you my unprofessional advice. And today's topic is actually a topic that we've touched on before, and that would be the topic of friendship, but more specifically, conflict in friendship, challenge in friendship, frustration in friendship.
which is unfortunately inevitable. Because anytime you put two people together for an extended period of time, eventually frustration will form. It is inevitable. But that doesn't mean it doesn't suck. Because the whole point of friendship is to have fun together, right? Like that's how we choose our friends. Our friends are the people in this world that we have the most fun with.
So when there's conflict, it's like, wait, what's going on? Isn't the whole point of this relationship to have fun together? Like what's going on? For the most part, that's true. But in my opinion, it's impossible for friendships to evolve without a bit of conflict, friction, challenge. You know, a lot of conflict in friendship leads to a deeper friendship.
Like when I reflect on friendships in my life, the friendships that lacked conflict also lacked depth. That's not to say that they weren't valuable friendships, but the depth of those friendships pales in comparison to friendships I've experienced that do have a bit of conflict. Overcoming a challenge with another person grows a deeper bond, I think. Actually, I think that that's a fact.
I don't think that's an opinion. I think that that's just true. I think there's probably science to that. Should I Google it? Maybe. I'll Google it. I was correct. Fighting... Oh, wait, I was not correct. Hold on. This is the AI overview from Google.
While fights themselves don't inherently lead to stronger bonds, resolving conflicts constructively can actually deepen relationships by fostering understanding and trust. Exactly. Exactly. I briefly paused this episode to let you know that this episode of Anything Goes is presented by Temptations Cat Treats.
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So as much as it sucks to have friction in friendship, it can help build a deeper bond. But there are times when frustration, conflict, challenge in friendship ultimately leads to the demise of the relationship. And in my opinion, that's productive as well. It sucks. It's a bit more painful.
But to me, it's equally as productive as building a deeper bond with your friend because we don't need friends in our lives that aren't right for us. That is not a good thing.
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Chapter 2: Can conflict actually strengthen friendships?
And then when they try to play the victim, you confront them and say, you can't play the victim all the time. You know, like, anyway, that's how I would handle it. Number one, analyze why they are the way they are to the best of your ability and then check them on their bullshit and be like, and it might make sense to handle it gently.
It might make sense to handle it a bit more firmly depending on who you're working with. But I think bringing it up and not letting them do it and bringing it to their attention is the most valuable thing that you can do because they might fight with you on it. They might get really upset with you, but you're planting a really valuable seed in their brain.
you might be the first person to ever bring it up to them and you're making them a better person. And if you try to help and no improvement happens, I think it's totally fair to cut off the friendship. To me, that's a deal breaker. That's really frustrating. But if you want to try to help, that's my suggestion.
Okay, next, somebody said, I have a friend that only seeks me out when she needs support. I feel used. Is that healthy? Why does she do that? And what do I do about it? As much as it might feel unfair, I really highly doubt that your friend is trying to use you. I mean, there are times when people consciously use others, but I don't know, that's pretty sinister.
And you have a better read on this friend than I do. I would say that there's a 75% chance that this is just the way that your friend is. Like they're not trying to use you. They're not trying to hurt you. They're not trying to take advantage of you. This is just for whatever reason, the way that your friend feels connected to you. They feel connected to you when there's some sort of conflict.
You in their mind are a shoulder to cry on. And outside of that, Maybe you guys just don't have that much in common. Or maybe, you know, you guys have other groups of friends that you hang out with more routinely. And so, you know, you just are somebody who brings your friend a lot of comfort in challenging moments. And that's the purpose of your friendship in her mind. Yeah.
I don't think she's trying to take advantage of you. I highly doubt it. It's totally possible. And only you can know that for sure or sense that for sure. But chances are, she just perceives your friendship different than you do. Now, just because she doesn't mean any harm doesn't mean that it's a healthy friendship.
Anytime the feelings aren't mutual, anytime the effort isn't mutual, anytime somebody feels like they're being neglected, that's not a healthy friendship. And listen, there are going to be phases in friendships and relationships when things aren't the healthiest and that's normal and that's fine. But if your entire friendship is built on this imbalance, that is not healthy.
It's not necessarily toxic. It's not evil. It's not sinister, but it's not healthy. It sounds like... you're sort of a healing person for her, right? So she comes to you and she needs support because you're a source of sort of healing for her. Now, this is actually a really beautiful thing.
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