hello, and welcome back to advice session, a series here on anything goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything you want advice on, and i give you my unprofessional advice. today's topic is dating complications. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What are the complications of dating?
Hello, and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and I give you my unprofessional advice. And today's topic is dating complications. Dating and romance and love can be absolutely incredible.
Chapter 2: Why can't I develop feelings for my dates?
But as with all things that can be absolutely incredible, it can also be miserable and challenging and complicated and confusing. And that's what we're going to be discussing today. The complicated side of dating and romance and love. Without further ado, let's begin. Somebody said, I can't develop any feelings for any dates or any guys that I've met recently. Is it me?
This is such a frustrating feeling and I deeply relate to it because I've been there many times. I feel like there's this pressure to go on dates and feel things relatively quickly. Like, okay, if you go on five dates, there's this expectation, like, at least one of those should work. But it's not that simple. There's no... predictable outcome, right?
You might go on a hundred dates and not click with any of those people. And that is neither your fault or theirs. Whether you click with someone or not is arguably up to the cosmos. You know what I mean? It's written in the stars. It couldn't be less of your fault or their fault. It's no one's fault. It's just how it is. You can't control if you click with someone.
And to blame it on yourself is to cause yourself unnecessary grief because it is so normal to go on a bunch of dates and click with absolutely no one. And the best thing that you can do is honor your instinct that it's not working and not bark up the wrong tree and try to force something to work that isn't working. I will say, though...
It is a bit complicated because there are times when you might be in a certain state of mind, you might be in a certain phase of your life that is preventing you from connecting with people that you're on a date with. And that's something to consider. Now, I would argue that that's almost your subconscious and the universe protecting you from getting into a relationship at the wrong time.
But when you ask the question like, hey, why am I not connecting with anyone I'm going on a date with? Is it me? I guess sometimes it can be you, right? But I would argue it's beyond you. It's a state of mind that you're in. You're not ready. Maybe you too recently broke up with your ex.
Maybe you're going through a really hard time on a personal level and bringing somebody else into the picture would be really complicated. And your brain doesn't have the capacity to be excited about someone. That's absolutely possible. And that's something you should... And consider, am I in the state of mind to be dating right now anyway?
Do I even have the energy, the capacity to give myself and my attention and my vulnerability to someone? You have to be in a pretty healthy state of mind to do that. And if you reflect on yourself and you're like, huh, yeah, I probably don't have the capacity to be dating right now.
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Chapter 3: Is it normal to struggle with dating?
then yeah, it might in some ways be you, but I'm hesitant to say it that way because that kind of has like a negative connotation, like, hey, there's something wrong with you. That's why these dates haven't been working out. No, you're just not in the right state of mind.
Chapter 4: How do I know if I'm in the right state of mind for dating?
But what I do think is important about figuring out if it's just simply you not clicking with these people, which is absolutely possible, or if it's potentially a combination of that and the fact that you're not in the right state of mind for it, That's an important distinction because, you know, you might not want to write off these people that you're going on dates with right now.
You might want to consider another date down the line if you've reflected and realized, you know what, I'm not healed from my past relationship. I'm going through too much on a personal level. It's the wrong time for me. Now, I also think it's very normal to struggle to find meaningful connection in dating. Dating is tough.
And there's this kindred sort of thing that happens that is sort of unexplainable. And if we had that with everybody, it wouldn't mean anything. It's a hard thing to find, but it's worth fighting for. It's worth looking for because it is so magical when it's found. But to expect it to be an easy process is to misunderstand what makes it so special anyway, I think.
However, one more point I want to make is there's also a chance that you're not giving yourself enough time to get to know these people. Because almost every guy I've dated, not every guy I've dated, there's been like love at first sight for me with guys that I've dated. There's also been situations where I didn't like the guy in the beginning. I did not like them at first.
And then I grew to like them. I've experienced both, right? Yeah. And I grew to like them when we got closer and became more familiar with one another and their personality started to come out more. If I was basing our connection on the first date, we would have never dated. But I was like, you know what? I'm going to give this person a little while to grow on me potentially.
And in a few occasions in my life, they did. And I ended up dating them. So I also think there's a chance that you're not maybe dating in a way that works for you. Okay. The way that you might be dating is going on one date that's kind of uncomfortable and nerve wracking. Like you guys maybe go out to dinner and it's like a date and it's really intense and it's like.
whatever and there's a lot of pressure to click with them and it just it becomes this fucking pressure chamber of a situation and it doesn't work out and everybody ends up just being exhausted and uninspired by the experience whereas if you can maybe work on making friends with more people that you might be romantically interested in if you could go into a first date and be like listen
I just want to get this out of the way, you know, and I'm potentially interested in this becoming romantic. But like for the first few dates, like let's just hang out as friends and take the pressure off of like doing anything more than friends. Like let's just be friends for the first few dates and see how it goes and just actually get to know each other. And see what happens.
And that's awkward to say sometimes to people, but I think it can sort of take the pressure off so that, you know, for the first few dates, you and this person can actually get to know each other and not be in this fucking pressure chamber of like, are we going to hook up? Or I have to like make a good impression this first time. Like,
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Chapter 5: What does it mean to choose to love someone?
And I'll tell you, it was kind of tough for me because I wasn't used to it. And now I will tell you that after pushing through that...
and seeing what a relationship can feel like with somebody who reciprocates the energy the attention the care you can break the cycle I broke the cycle within the last year you know but it was very challenging because I've never been able to date guys that like me back it has always given me some form of the ick or like I've just been scared away by it or it just like doesn't feel like I don't know it's almost like I'm afraid of being loved by somebody or something I like
It's weird. I don't really know why still to this day that I'm like that, but I am. It was really challenging to push through, but I promise you, dating people that reciprocate, that treat you the way that you always have wanted to be treated, date people based on how they treat you. Push through the ick. The ick is lying to you, okay?
It's a weird defense mechanism that you picked up for some reason, but if you're attracted to somebody and they're treating you well, and you're like, why the fuck do I have the ick? Like, everything about this seems great. Keep trying, okay? Now there's a chance that the person's personality just gives you the ick. You know what I mean?
I urge you to keep trying and see if the ick goes away because there's a good chance that it will and you'll be able to break this cycle for yourself where you're not dating people who don't fucking like you. Nothing hotter than somebody that doesn't fucking like you. Stop that now. It's not worth it. That will create a life of misery.
Once you date people that like you back, your life will improve significantly. I can promise you that. And you'll discover what relationships can bring you in your life, how relationships can improve your life, make your life even more fulfilling and beautiful. If you keep dating people that don't like you, you'll never get to experience that. And I wish somebody would have told me that sooner.
Actually, I don't because I'm glad I experienced what I did. But yeah. Okay. Next, somebody said, how to get past intimacy issues. I mean, I think it depends on the root of your intimacy issues. I think a lot of intimacy issues are very complex, too complex for me to give advice. And I would say, you know, talking to a professional about it, a therapist is probably the best option.
But when it comes to more minor intimacy issues that are rooted in minor insecurities, fears around intimacy, just natural, innate fears of intimacy, fear of the unknown, if you haven't been intimate with many people, that's more what I'm going to attack here today. I had my own set of intimacy issues rooted in feeling insecure in myself as a romantic being.
I grew up being, you know, somebody who was not given attention for romantic reasons very often. Like, people weren't... I don't know, like, I always felt like a disappointment romantically when I would be with guys because I was nervous and I went through puberty late and I just felt like a disappointment to guys, you know?
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Chapter 6: How should I approach a long-term relationship?
But it can be a really positive thing if you look at it through the right lens. Anywho, that's all I have for today. That's it. It's complicated. Romance is complicated. I appreciate you all listening and hanging out. I hope that you enjoyed it. If you did, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday. It's always fun and a good vibe. So come hang out.
Find Anything Goes on social media at Anything Goes and find me on social media at Emma Chamberlain. I'll talk to you soon. I love you and appreciate you for spending your time with me. And yeah, I guess I'll talk to you later. Okay, bye.