people pleasing, advice session
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What is people-pleasing and why is it harmful?
Well, hey there, and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes, where you send in your current dilemmas or anything, and I mean anything, you want advice on, and I give you my own professional advice. And today's topic is people-pleasing, which is something that I struggled with for many years, but am slowly but surely getting better at managing. Being a people pleaser in theory is a good thing. You're pleasing people. Come on, how could that be harmful? But it is ultimately harmful to oneself to be a people pleaser. And I learned that the hard way time and time again throughout my life. And I still, to this day, Learn that the hard way over and over again. But over the years, I've gotten a lot better about it.
How can I stand up for myself without being mean?
And so I feel somewhat ready to give you advice about the topic. So without further ado, let's begin. Somebody said, how to stand up for yourself without being mean about it. I feel like as somewhat of a people pleaser myself, I understand this struggle, right? It seems like there's no obvious way to stand up for yourself without creating conflict. And to be honest, that is kind of true. Whenever you stand up for yourself in any capacity, you have to be okay with the fact that the person that you're standing up for yourself to might not respond warmly to that. Even if you do everything perfectly, even if you stand up for yourself as politely and respectfully and admirably as you possibly could, there's still a chance that the other person is not going to respond to that very well.
What tone and wording should I use when confronting someone?
And you sort of have to accept that. That's just inevitable. But when it comes to the act of standing up for yourself, how do you do it without being mean? Well, it's simple. It comes down to your tone and your wording. When it comes to tone, I think it's very important to try your best to stay calm, to keep things somewhat casual in a way. In my experience, confrontation... goes the best when the other person doesn't feel attacked. Right. Instead of being like, hey, yeah, you did this. What? Instead, being like, hey, you know what? You did this. And it's like the immediate response from the other person when you approach the conversation in the second tone is that I displayed is automatically going to be 100% better.
The second that somebody gets yelled at, before they even can comprehend what's being said, they're putting their defenses up. They're like closing themselves off. If you approach a confrontational conversation with a respectful, kind, non-threatening tone, the person you're talking to will not feel defensive. You know, their immediate response will not be to get defensive. They're going to respond to you like they normally do. You know what I mean? I think tone is very important. And chances are, if you're a people pleaser, you're not going to have a hard time with that. Because I feel like people pleasers... tend to communicate nicely, if even at all. You know, I think the average people pleaser is not raising their voice, is not yelling in confrontation.
So chances are you'll be fine. But now let's get to wording. Okay. Now, listen, you don't want to beat around the bush and you don't want to sugarcoat things because for a long time, I think I told myself I was good at communicating and good at confronting. But I really wasn't because I was beating around the bush and I was sugarcoating things and I wasn't being 100% firm in confronting the other person. I was kind of wishy-washy with it. You know what I mean? I was kind of too gentle with it. So you don't want to be too gentle. But you also don't want to be too mean, right? I think it's important whenever you're confronting somebody to remember this is another human being. They have feelings. They make mistakes. They're not perfect. And they deserve a second chance a lot of times. Not always. Not always maybe a second chance. But they deserve at least like an opportunity to be confronted and then speak their mind and explain where they're coming from.
So when it comes to the wording of everything, my suggestion would be to instead be pointing the finger and be like, you did this and you did this and you are bad and you suck and you stink and you and you're and you're poop and you smell like poop and you're poopy and you don't wipe. Instead of being like you, you, you, you be like. Keep a nice balance between here's how I'm feeling.
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Chapters
7 chapters
1
What is people-pleasing and why is it harmful?
0:00–0:50
2
How can I stand up for myself without being mean?
0:50–1:49
3
What tone and wording should I use when confronting someone?
1:49–6:22
4
How can a people pleaser learn to say no?
6:22–8:29
5
Is it okay to use excuses when saying no as a people pleaser?
8:29–12:23
6
How do I stop feeling guilty about saying no?
12:23–15:48
7
What advice is there for dropping toxic friends without causing drama?
15:48–32:09