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Chapter 1: What camping experiences do Dax and Monica share?
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard.
I'm joined by Monica Batman.
Hello. Your favorite topic, your favorite activity, camping.
I don't love it.
Yeah. I need to go in a tent. The bus life is fun, but having this prompt made me realize, no, I need to unzip that thing in the morning, crawl out. You're like, oh, fuck, I just woke up in a plastic bag. But then you're like, oh, let's make some coffee. And then everything just starts getting better and better and better.
Now, have you gone tent camping since you stopped drinking?
Yeah.
You have?
Oh, yeah.
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Chapter 2: What is the craziest camping story shared by a guest?
Yeah. I have friends with cottages up in that area too. So yeah, I spent a lot of time up there. Yeah, you Canadians got that figured out, lake life. So where does your camping story take place? Tell us. My camping story takes place in Grundy Lake. It's an Ontario provincial park that's maybe two hours north of Muskoka. It's a little ways up. This takes place around 15 years ago.
So my husband, then boyfriend, in June will have been together for 18 years. Congrats. You seem very young to have been with someone for 18 years. I agree. I get that a lot. We started dating when I was 17. Our wedding anniversary is January 2nd. Oh! That's a peculiar day to get married, no? I like it.
We were going to try and do a New Year's wedding, but nobody would take us because they're all booked up. So we were like, well, the second is a Saturday. So as much as I feel like you complain about people not loving your birthday, like we made people go to a wedding on January 2nd. After they just quit drinking.
But I love that because then it's like we're starting off the year with a party.
That's nice.
And love. That's nice because beginning of January can be tough mentally.
Also, if one of your resolutions is like get married, you knock that out on day two. Yeah. His name's Nolan. So when we met, he was super into camping. I had done some trips, but not a ton. So he really got me into it. He was more of like a portage guy. Is that with the canoeing? Yeah. And like you would put all your food in a barrel and you have your backpack and you canoe in. Oh, wow. Cool.
And I had done a couple of trips like in Ongonquin and we had done things like that before. But in this particular case, we were going to Grundy. So it's car camping. So you would drive up and park your car on the site. Right. And you set up your tent and away you go. So we were used to food barrel, string up your stuff in a tree.
absolutely isolate everything from animals because when you're further north, you have to worry more about the wildlife. So we were kind of more in line with that. But then when you go car camping, you're basically only as tidy as your nearest neighbor. So you can't do a whole heck of a lot there. We've been camping and we've seen like raccoons eating hot dogs at the picnic table.
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Chapter 3: How does the camping story unfold at Grundy Lake?
No. I don't think so. Maybe like there's tons of coyotes around here, but they're not really going to do much. Right. Although we did hear that crazy coyote story. It was in Toronto or a suburb. A lady got killed.
What?
It was like some kind of weird hybrid, wasn't it, of a coyote? Wolf coyote.
It was like a wolf coyote. No, that was a story we heard. Is that what you're talking about?
It was an armchair anonymous.
Oh, I know. But then also we looked up a coyote did kill someone.
Once. Oh, once. One time in the history of coyotes in California. The person might have already been dead. But anyways. Anyhow. They eat a lot of dogs. Like if you have your dog in your backyard around here, you have to be careful with stuff like that. But yeah. It was one particular day, we had already been there a bit, and it had been raining all day.
And so we were kind of cooped up under our tarp. And then it cleared up and we thought, okay, let's go down to the water. Let's enjoy the scenery. It was a gorgeous sunset. We wanted to watch the stars because there's no light pollution in that area. So we went down to the beach area just by our campsite and we were kind of hanging on this rock.
And it was this like big kind of sweeping rock that went down into the water, scenery all around, and it was gorgeous. And then at one point while we were laying there, we could kind of hear some rustling in the bushes beside us. Nolan was like, what was that? And he was kind of freaking out about it. I should tell you, too, he's insufferable when it comes to camping and wildlife.
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Chapter 4: What wildlife encounters do campers face while camping?
And then we saw another one like in the periphery of a campsite. So we're like, we're out. We're not doing this anymore. So we got back to the site and we packed up our sleeping bags and we just slept in the RAV4 that night because we were like, I'm not sleeping inside anymore. We packed up and we drove home.
I think we had another night we were supposed to spend and we were like, no, it's not happening. We're not doing it. Nolan had fulfilled his fantasies. Like, I don't need a round two of this. I've got enough to brag about. I don't need to press my luck. Well, that's exactly it. For years and years and years, he was like insufferable and he was so annoying. And we would like stop.
And he got vindicated in it, which is so annoying. Yeah, he's got the leverage now for life, probably. Well, for a little bit. A couple years. He was even remarking how the couple nights before, as we were walking back, he was like, I told you that I heard something, and that was probably a bear. And I'm like, okay.
I kind of understand that, because then he had to get in the middle. He almost got mauled.
Well, I got to applaud Nolan when he was met with this situation. Yeah, he did the right thing. And by the way, I would argue his response was probably heavily weighted by you being there. Him on his own, I don't know that he exhibits this kind of chasing a bear. He's pretty intense like that. Like, we've had situations where, like, not necessarily same animals.
Like, if a dog is running in the park towards him, he's like, yeah, I'll just put out my foot and kick. Like, he's not the kind of guy who would run away. If my response is flight, his is definitely fight. Ah, that's a good pair. Exactly. Yeah, you found each other. Yeah. Yeah, so I left him to die. Didn't even think about him for one second.
When you walked back and you walked by the other two bears, like you just walked right by it? Well, we were sketchy about it, but the one that we saw, like we were walking and it just like skirted across the trail and we're like, well, the whole thing was very heightened. I've talked to people who go there all the time. They're like, I have no idea what you're talking about.
We've never really encountered. And it definitely is bear country. And they're probably super used to humans, especially in that general area. But we have not been back. Well, listen, if it had been a brown bear, we're not talking to Emmy. Right? Yeah. Remember the brown bear story? That guy was hunting moose and those things are fucking gnarly. I think there are brown bears in Ontario.
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Chapter 5: What happens during a bear encounter while camping?
I think you have to go a lot further north to really get involved with them. They're definitely around here. Like they're not far from where I live either, but they're not coming into where people are. Yeah, I saw footage on Instagram two days ago. Pretty certain it was an AI. Yeah, there's a guy in a four-wheeler driving down a trail and he came around a corner.
There's this two fucking brown bears, like 1,200 pounders. The way they ran right up to... the four-wheeler and hit it and then backed up. It was the scariest approach I've ever seen. Like the way they run when you're looking at them is fucking terrifying. Yeah, I wouldn't go anywhere where there's brown bears.
We've had lots of moose encounter in Algonquin and they're pretty chill if you don't get in their way. They're dangerous moose, but not intentionally, right? They don't see you until they're on top of you. It's kind of like how deer are. We did get trapped one time in like a river inlet because there was a mom moose and like a baby on either side.
And we had to just hang out there for like an hour because like you wouldn't cut them off, right? Yeah. Oh, my God. I don't know enough.
And like, oh.
And Monica, have you ever seen a moose in real life? I feel like it. They're impossibly big. They're so tall. Yeah, they'll be standing in the water and you see them and then they kind of come out on the bank and you're like, oh my gosh, they're 12 feet tall. And I think they can get up to 1800 pounds.
I told you this story where Uncle Grandpa and I, Tom Hanson, were in his backyard in Wyoming and we're just shooting the shit and we're letting the dogs out. And there's only like eight feet between him and the lake behind him. And he's facing me. And it's night. And then all of a sudden, just the whole background behind him changes to black.
And a moose is running through the backyard and just went between the gap of him and the lake. Tom's like, oh, my God, what was that? And I'm like, dude, a fucking bull just ran behind you. You're almost gone. Let's go camping. I'm good. We still camp all the time. We're super pro camping. Like we have a five-year-old and we take him out. He loves it.
But we definitely don't go to those areas because I think Nolan wouldn't sleep at all. He'd have to have a machine gun with him or something. And you're doing the canoeing still, the portage? Gosh, we haven't done that for years and years and years. It's kind of one of those things where the joy in it is maybe like the peace and the tranquility.
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Chapter 6: How do campers react to unexpected emergencies in the wild?
I don't know the geography of Missouri super well, but there's a mountain-esque thing and you're going down switchbacks. So I'm sure we're familiar with like, you don't just go straight down a
the elevation easily and so i start hearing sirens but also there's like an engine but it's not a constant engine it's like revving like it's really loud and then it cuts and i realized that it's like somebody driving very quickly down these switchbacks and they're rubbing the engine every time they make it around one of the turns At this point, I sort of noticed that my brother was awake.
And I hear that it sounds like there's two engines and there's sirens. And so I looked to my brother. We're both sitting up now. Of course, our spouses, they are more of the balance us out type.
I can't say that my husband is laid back in any way because that is certainly not the case, but definitely not jumping to the worst case scenario, going to my brother and I. So we happen to be the ones that are awake, my brother and I. And I looked at him and I said... Is that not a fucking police chase coming down the mountainside?
Yeah, yeah.
He starts looking out the little netted windows. Kind of a foggy night this night, but we've got headlights and we've got flashing police lights he's seeing. And so we start to wake up my husband and sister-in-law. And the way that this campground is set up is it's down these switchbacks. And when you get to the bottom of the switchbacks, it's just simple state campgrounds.
And so there's like a gravel oval and tent spots and there's RV spots. We happened to be the only ones that were tent camping. It wasn't super busy. And there was a couple of RVs like a little further away from us. The Miramac River is just maybe about 15 or 20 yards from our tent. Like, it's just right over there, and you can hear the water trickling all through the night.
And so these headlights are coming down. When they get down there, all there is is the campground. It's the only thing the road leads to. And so, okay, I think it's time to wake them up. So we go to wake them up. Their first thing is doubt. Like, oh, sure, guys, I'm sure it is definitely a police chase coming down the mountain because...
y'all don't tend to jump to these worst case scenarios or anything. So they were kind of doubting. And then about that time, the car is now in the campground. Police car is chasing it. My brother has fully stepped out of the tent at this time and is like watching it. And he's like, guys, we got to go down past the RVs. The police chase has ended now. Then we've got more deputies like showing up.
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Chapter 7: What challenges arise when camping with kids?
Being next to a river, hearing it.
Babbling brooks.
Yeah. Some police sirens, maniac.
Some peaceful police sirens.
The guy with nothing to lose.
Wow. That's wild.
Yeah. Well, Callie, that's wonderful. I mean, not for you, but for us. Thank you guys for having me. And hopefully I'll get lots of good ones for this one. Yeah. Thank you so much. Hi, Kevin. Hi, how are you? I'm wonderful. How are you? I'm probably the most nervous I've ever been.
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Chapter 8: What lessons are learned from camping mishaps?
Oh, my goodness. I've been inside house fires before, so that says a lot. Yeah.
Wow, we're flattered, but you should not be nervous.
No, there's nothing intimidating about Monica or me.
Well, I'm scary.
It's definitely calming me down, so it's good. Where are you, Kevin? I live in Crete, Greece, in the Mediterranean. You're lying. How does an American end up in Crete? I'm the safety director for a Navy base out here, for a U.S. Navy base. Oh, you are? How cool. Have you guys been busier than normal? You know, I thought you were going to ask that, and business has picked up a little bit.
We're doing good. We're staying safe out here.
Okay, good.
How long have you been in Crete? This is our second time living here, but I've been here recently for about two years. Before that, we were in Okinawa, Japan. We like to travel. We like to get out and move around. You're Santa. And when you say we, you have a wife and some kids? Is that what's happening? Yeah, I've got a wife and we've got six kids. Three of them are a little bit older.
Oh, man. What a life you guys are living. This is awesome.
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