Bible Stories for Atheists
Episodes
The Eyes Have It - End Times Pt. 8 (Audio Fixed)
24 Aug 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Previous version of this episode was sped up. This should be better.Revelation starts heating up with the Four Horsemen, the Seven Seals, and the 144,...
Home of the Cheese Steak - End Times Pt. 7
03 Aug 2025
Contributed by Lukas
We finally dig into the book of Revelation! I'd say more but I'm posting this late and screw it I'm just getting this posted.Website - ...
The 40 Year Old Virgin - End Times Pt. 6
13 Jul 2025
Contributed by Lukas
In our exploration of the evolution of the end times through the bible we have breached the thin gossamer layer betwixt the testaments old and slightl...
Unigoats - End Times Pt. 5
01 Jul 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Better late than never! Here's the rest of the book of Daniel in all it's "glory". Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists....
Lions, Daniels, and Statues... Oh my! - End Times Pt. 4
08 Jun 2025
Contributed by Lukas
We start the book of Daniel. A book full of meaningful insights into what it means to think of the mind of God... or some confusing bullshit that made...
Virgin Bosom Buddies - End Times Pt. 3
25 May 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Ok folks. We've said it before, but we really mean it this time, this is going to be a messed up one. We're covering the book of Ezekiel an...
Episode Two - End Times Pt. 2
11 May 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Happy Mother's day!To celebrate, we continue digging into the end times by going through the book of Isaiah. How does this book define the end ti...
Anyway... The End Times - End Times Pt. 1
27 Apr 2025
Contributed by Lukas
We're back! And we're going through the bible books chronologically from when they were written to see how the concept of "THE END TIME...
Whatever This Is
17 Nov 2024
Contributed by Lukas
What's up! We just wanted to check in for no particular reason whatsoever. Definitely doesn't have to do with the fist of christian national...
Creation Pt. 5 - One Last Camp with Dad
01 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Welcome to the season finale! Creation is over and it's all down hill from here. We find out that Abraham wasn't the best dad. At least unti...
Creation Pt. 4 - Lot's Bad Day
25 Aug 2024
Contributed by Lukas
You think you have it hard? You think you have bad neighbors? You think you have family problems? Well, I'm Lot. A mild mannered sodomite that n...
Creation Pt. 3 - A Covenant of Covenants
18 Aug 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Sorry, in a rush this week. You'll have to make up your own funny quips and pretend they're in this description. On this week's episod...
Creation Pt. 2 - Killing Cain
11 Aug 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Have you given YOUR firstlings to the Lord? If you don't, your brother might and then where will you be? No regard from the Lord. How are you goi...
Creation Pt. 1 - In a Gadda Da Vida
04 Aug 2024
Contributed by Lukas
In the beginning, we'll lay out the building blocks of our 6000 year old universe. And explain that hard, blue shell up there that gets dark at n...
Creation Series Trailer
18 Jul 2024
Contributed by Lukas
New 5 episode series coming every Sunday starting August 4th. We'll be covering the first half of Genesis. Insert witty jokes here. Too much crap...
Community Hour
09 Jun 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Hey folks! For our episode today we're changing things up. We're going to be switching to a more "seasonal" model. The plan is we&...
Hail, Satan!
26 May 2024
Contributed by Lukas
This is a special episode with two special guests. Ministers Bendr Bones and Luis Cypher, co-heads of the Satanic Temple - West Michigan. Recently, th...
Pshitty Psalms
28 Apr 2024
Contributed by Lukas
We read a selection of Psalms suggested by AI to figure out if this ancient book of songs holds up to the hype.It doesn't.Despite Josh's war...
1 Kings Pt. 4 - Adventures in Kingdom Splitting
14 Apr 2024
Contributed by Lukas
The kingdom of Israel splits into two separate nations after the death of King Solomon. His son Rehoboam ascends to the throne and when the people ask...
1 Kings Pt. 3 - A Biblical Guide to Banging 1000 Chicks
31 Mar 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists
1 Kings Pt. 2 - Adventures in Baby Splitting
17 Mar 2024
Contributed by Lukas
David FINALLY kicks the bucket, but before he does, the good, upright King David, who loved and obeyed God unlike any other king, gives his son a kill...
(Re-Release) Dr. Sheol's
03 Mar 2024
Contributed by Lukas
“Was the Gospel of John Changed to Suppress Mary Magdalene?” by ReligionForBreakfast – https://youtu.be/rfy6oiB_U-ACrucifying Tony Stark – htt...
1 Kings Pt. 1 - Bosom Buddies
18 Feb 2024
Contributed by Lukas
We kick off 1 Kings by only talking about the first chapter. We've heard the Chronicles' version of Solomon becoming king but now we'll...
2 Samuel Pt. 8 - Numbers and How to Count Them
04 Feb 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Oh boy! Is this a great episode if you love vague quantities of precious metals and stones. And the names! Oh the names of it all!We're blowing t...
2 Samuel Pt. 7 - Error 404: God Not Found
21 Jan 2024
Contributed by Lukas
We dig elbow deep into a steaming pile of contradictions, curiosities, and constipated commentary. The unerring bible seems to glitch out on us. The a...
2 Samuel Pt. 6 - Man Kisses Gone Wrong
07 Jan 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Fresh off overthrowing his son fresh off overthrowing him, David deals with a dick dividing his domain to dogshit. - Sheba gets the northern kingdom ...
The Case for Christ Review, Or: I Don't Need Your Help, But Thanks
24 Dec 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Happy holidays all you war on CHRISTmas warriors! We're kicking back and watching that time honored 2017 classic Christmas movie, The Case for...
(Re-Release) Holy Sheet
10 Dec 2023
Contributed by Lukas
We continue our series on Acts starting with a story about a Sorcerer named Simon. A guy named Philip meets an unnamed Ethiopian eunuch who is really...
(Re-Release) Goodness Gracious Great Tongues of Fire!
26 Nov 2023
Contributed by Lukas
We kick off our series on the book of Acts and start with yet another telling of the ascension of Jesus. Slightly different from Luke but very differe...
2 Samuel Pt. 5 - TREE-Son
12 Nov 2023
Contributed by Lukas
David's been kicked out of his kingdom by his son and returns to the wilderness. Luckily his son seems to have really bad advisors.We get some cr...
2 Samuel Pt. 4 - Uhhhgghghggghgggghhhhhh
29 Oct 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Ugh uhhh ugh. Ughg ghgggh uggghhh ughg guhg. Ugh ghhhgh ugh God ughg. Ugh ugh ghgugh ugh bible bullshit.Ughg ugh uhghghg ghg ugh. Ugh gugh ugh David. ...
2 Samuel Pt. 3 - Ewe, David!
22 Oct 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Welp, talk about a roller coaster. We start with David getting God's promise to have a descendant on the throne forever (fingers likely crossed),...
2 Samuel Pt. 2 - ChippenDavids
15 Oct 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Like with all the other enemies of David, things really fall apart for Saul's son, Ishbaal. I won't spoil anything but he dies and David b...
2 Samuel Pt. 1 - Abner's Series of Unfortunate Events
08 Oct 2023
Contributed by Lukas
We kick off 2 Samuel with David "mourning" for his dead "friends" that he "didn't have killed". And actually immed...
(Re-Release) Better Call Paul
01 Oct 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Between Linz having a migraine and our self isolating due to a COVID exposure, this episode was doomed to be amazing. This is the third installment o...
Eye C.U.P.s
24 Sep 2023
Contributed by Lukas
We're taking a break from the bible to learn a little about some ancient superstitions. Well, OTHER ancient superstitions.Have you ever had a bab...
1 Samuel Pt. 8 - Saul, You in Danger, Girl!
17 Sep 2023
Contributed by Lukas
We wrap up the book of 1 Samuel and even though Samuel has been dead for a while he's not going to let that stop him from showing up in his own b...
1 Samuel Pt. 7 - Easing Nature with Saul
10 Sep 2023
Contributed by Lukas
David goes on the run from Saul! Ducking his attempts to capture him and living life as a fugitive. Just like that Harrison Ford movie. What was it ca...
1 Samuel Pt. 6 - The Gayest Story Ever Told
03 Sep 2023
Contributed by Lukas
BREAKING NEWS: Saul sours on short sultry servant, David!See! I could have written headlines during bible times. Talk about a short honeymoon period....
1 Samuel Pt. 5 - He Might Be Giant?
27 Aug 2023
Contributed by Lukas
We finally cover the ultimate David and Goliath story... David and Goliath! God, tired of having a tall, handsome king, has shifted his focus to a sh...
(Re-Release) Nativity: The Musical
20 Aug 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Merry Christmas, sinners & sodomites! In this week’s episode we dive into the gospels with the birth of our lord and savior. A story so vital an...
1 Samuel Pt. 4 - God's Not Here Man
13 Aug 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Ok. NOW Saul is king, I guess. So there is your happy ending to the story. Nothing could possibly-- What's that? God's already done with him...
1 Samuel Pt. 3 - Samuel Saw Saul
06 Aug 2023
Contributed by Lukas
I know what you're thinking. WHEN THE HELL IS ISRAEL GOING TO HAVE A KING!??!!? I know. It's frustrating. I've been there many times be...
1 Samuel Pt. 2 - Tumors of the Lost Ark
30 Jul 2023
Contributed by Lukas
In our second episode on 1 Samuel it's all about the Ark of the Covenant! That's right, the GodBox that guarantees victory over your enemies...
1 Samuel Pt. 1 - Womb Raider
23 Jul 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Kicking off a new bible book strong with talk of barren women, boarding school, priests mistaking prayer for drunkenness, and shitty sons who steal me...
50 Shades of Heeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!
16 Jul 2023
Contributed by Lukas
WOO HOO! 50 EPISODES! So there's that.We are joined by Josh's mom, Jill to give us a Christian perspective as we talk all things Christian. ...
Judges Pt. 4 - You've Got Mail... Femail
02 Jul 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Wrapping up Judges with some good old fashioned sexism, violence and mayhem! If you thought Jephthah's story was tragic, just you wait.We meet a ...
Judges Pt. 3 - 30 Things I Hate About You
18 Jun 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Ooooh boy. This episode was so good we had to record it twice! We start off with an amazing story about a father and daughter and the things we do fo...
(Re-Release) You're a Good Man, Pontius Pilate
04 Jun 2023
Contributed by Lukas
This is it folks. The crucifixion. The grand climax. Where God’s Holy Spirit comes on all of us. But first we find out what happened to Judas, who ...
Judges Pt. 2 - God's Seventh Evil Ex-Boyfriend
21 May 2023
Contributed by Lukas
The bible is SO PRO-WOMAN! As you'll be able to tell from the story of Deborah, the only female Judge. Her story is well balanced in comparison t...
Judges Pt. 1 - Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
07 May 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Sit down, Judge Judy! We're talking about Judge SHAMGAR!!! That's an EPIC name for a judge, isn't it? It's going to be an amazing ...
Joshua Pt. 3 - Josh Dies at the End
23 Apr 2023
Contributed by Lukas
We wrap up the Book of Joshua and boy does it make time stand still. Apparently God makes the sun stand still for a whole day and somehow that didn&ap...
Easter - Chocolate Covered Zombie Jesus
09 Apr 2023
Contributed by Lukas
You remember that part of the bible when Jesus performed the miracle of getting a rabbit to lay chocolate, cream filled eggs? No? Well then you'r...
Joshua Pt. 2 - Joshua and the Giant Heap
26 Mar 2023
Contributed by Lukas
We all remember the songs about Joshua and the Battle of Jericho and the cartoons and the children's books. All those glorious money-making forms...
Joshua Pt. 1 - Rinse and Repeat, Repeat and Rinse
12 Mar 2023
Contributed by Lukas
I'll be honest. This episode is about crossing a river. We cover 5 chapters of the bible, and at the beginning of it some people are on one side ...
(Re-Release) All About the He Said, She Said Bull$#!*
26 Feb 2023
Contributed by Lukas
While reading Genesis in our first several episodes, I noticed odd things. The same stories repeated, stories with inconsistent details, and conflicti...
Jonah - What an Ashole!
12 Feb 2023
Contributed by Lukas
We finally cover the story of the little wooden prophet who wanted to be a real boy so bad he ended up in the belly of a whale. Ok, so he wasn't ...
The Book of Josh
29 Jan 2023
Contributed by Lukas
We dive deep into Josh. Or at least Josh's past. How he went from devout Christian to a raging atheist. Was it because of all the Carmen, dc tal...
Esther - Haman Pockets
15 Jan 2023
Contributed by Lukas
We take on the 2nd and last book named for a woman. Will she be a feminist icon? No. I'll just let you know that now. But she will make a few dec...
Dognapping a Fuckuski
01 Jan 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Happy New Year all you sinners and sodomites! We're having ourselves a laid back episode where we go down a Wikipedia rabbit hole on Yzidism, a r...
Ruth - Why Don't You Come Up and Uncover My Feet Sometime?
18 Dec 2022
Contributed by Lukas
This week we blow through Ruth, one of the shorter books of the bible, in a single episode. We find out about Naomi, whose sons break religious law...
Job Pt. 2 - Winter is Coming, and So is God
04 Dec 2022
Contributed by Lukas
You know that feeling when you're talking with 3 of your friends in poetic verse for a few days and then you find out there was another guy there...
Job Pt. 1 - Mouth Relief... Just, Mouth Relief.
20 Nov 2022
Contributed by Lukas
We kick off a two part series on the Book of Job. That weird book people LOVE to talk about but no one reads...I guess that's not specific enough...
How to do a Podcast in a God Honoring Way
23 Oct 2022
Contributed by Lukas
We set the "good" book aside for the week and pull up some "meh" videos on modern Christianity. We react to way out of the logical...
Acts Pt. 4 - Mr. Paul Goes to Rome
09 Oct 2022
Contributed by Lukas
We wrap up our 4 part series on the book of Acts and hear all about Paul's retirement in Rome. But that's skipping ahead.First off, the unch...
Acts Pt. 3 - Better Call Paul
25 Sep 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Between Linz having a migraine and our self isolating due to a COVID exposure, this episode was doomed to be amazing. This is the third installment o...
Lilac in the Briar Patch
11 Sep 2022
Contributed by Lukas
We’re taking a short break from our series on the book of Acts this week to talk with Lilac, a teenager who was kicked out of her home because of re...
Acts Pt. 2 – Holy Sheet
28 Aug 2022
Contributed by Lukas
We continue our series on Acts starting with a story about a Sorcerer named Simon. A guy named Philip meets an unnamed Ethiopian eunuch who is really...
Acts Pt. 1 – Goodness Gracious, Great Tongues of Fire!
14 Aug 2022
Contributed by Lukas
We kick off our series on the book of Acts and start with yet another telling of the ascension of Jesus. Slightly different from Luke but very differe...
Gospels Pt. 18 – Holy Jesus, Batman!
31 Jul 2022
Contributed by Lukas
We wrap up our 18 part series on Jesus and the gospels with his bouncy ball burial. You just can’t keep this dude down.While there’s some discrepa...
Gospels Pt. 17 – You’re a Good Man, Pontius Pilate
17 Jul 2022
Contributed by Lukas
This is it folks. The crucifixion. The grand climax. Where God’s Holy Spirit comes on all of us. But first we find out what happened to Judas, who ...
Gospels Pt. 16 – Hashtag Yolt
03 Jul 2022
Contributed by Lukas
We start off by asking the ultimate question… What are the nuts in your life? But then we start talking about Jesus.Jesus goes to the garden of Geth...
Gospels Pt. 15 – The Neverending Supper
19 Jun 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Jesus is about to have his last supper and he uses his apparently psychic abilities to tell the disciples how to get it set up.Then Jesus strips down ...
Gospels Pt. 14 – Dr. Sheol’s
05 Jun 2022
Contributed by Lukas
“Was the Gospel of John Changed to Suppress Mary Magdalene?” by ReligionForBreakfast – https://youtu.be/rfy6oiB_U-ACrucifying Tony Stark – htt...
Gospels Pt. 13 – Cloats (Trademark Pending)
22 May 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Zacchaeus the Tax CollectorWhat does it take to get Jesus’ attention when you’re vertically challenged? Hope you’re good at climbing trees. If y...
Gospels Pt. 12 – Mother!
08 May 2022
Contributed by Lukas
It’s a Mother’s Day episode! Josh’s mom, Jill, and Lindsay’s son, Connor, join us.Speaking of mothers, we dig into the questions around Mother...
Gospels Pt. 11 – Here’s Some Mud in Your Eye
24 Apr 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Happy Orthodox Easter! What the hell is that anyway?We kick off with Jesus spitting in some dirt, making some mud, and rubbing it into the eyes of a b...
Gospels Pt. 10 – Oh, the Audacity
10 Apr 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Don’t look it up. Let’s see how well you remember it. Try to complete this sentence, “Our Father, who art in heaven…”Of all the commandments...
Gospels Pt. 9 – Jesus Bleach
27 Mar 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Have you ever wondered when Jesus went from a middle eastern person to a white Anglo-Saxon? No… it doesn’t just stem from German Protestant racism...
Gospels Pt. 8 – Jesus Yeast
13 Mar 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Remember when the apostles all left to minister to Israel and Jesus said they wouldn’t be done before he returns? Well they’re done… awkward. Al...
Gospels Pt. 7 – The Birds are Satan
27 Feb 2022
Contributed by Lukas
It’s a parable filled episode and we dig into the storytelling of Jesus. Is he a great storyteller like Homer or Aesop? Or more like a Blue’s Clue...
Gospels Pt. 6 – Mary and Her Nards
13 Feb 2022
Contributed by Lukas
This was an interesting one, folks. We find out how one major character’s traditional backstory is complete bullshit.But first, the BIG sermon. You ...
Gospels Pt. 5 – Fight Club Jesus
30 Jan 2022
Contributed by Lukas
We kick off this episode hearing a miraculous story about two blind men somehow being able to follow Jesus as he dodges their pleas for help. After he...
Gospels Pt. 4 – Validating the Invalid
16 Jan 2022
Contributed by Lukas
These days to get famous you just need good looks and a smartphone. But people forget that to get famous in biblical times you needed to cure leprosy ...
Gospels Pt. 3 – You Are About to be Tooken
02 Jan 2022
Contributed by Lukas
In this episode we kick off finding out the bible (which is perfect) has conflicting genealogies for Joseph, Jesus’ step dad. And Josh blowing Linz’...
Saturnalia for the Paganalia: A Christmas Special
19 Dec 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Ho ho ho all you sinners and sodomites! We’re jumping the shark with a Christmas special! Made even more special by Josh’s mom, Jill, who stopped ...
Gospels Pt. 2 – Geriatric Parenting 101
05 Dec 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Jesus jumps from twelve years old to thirty years old without any apparent need to inform us about his formative years. Did he get acne? Or surprise b...
Gospels Pt. 1 – Nativity: The Musical
21 Nov 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Merry Christmas, sinners & sodomites! In this week’s episode we dive into the gospels with the birth of our lord and savior. A story so vital an...
All About the He Said, She Said Bull$#!*
07 Nov 2021
Contributed by Lukas
While reading Genesis in our first several episodes, I noticed odd things. The same stories repeated, stories with inconsistent details, and conflicti...
Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Restart
24 Oct 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Does God only love a few thousand people? Is there a second set of Ten Commandments? Is Moses getting exposed to high doses of radiation? Is Aaron get...
Manna Crusted Quail with Rock Water
10 Oct 2021
Contributed by Lukas
We get to the actual exodus in this episode, wherein the Israelites exit Egypt. But first they need to fake out Pharaoh so God can kill more Egyptians...
Stuck Between a Desert and Pharaoh’s Hard Place
26 Sep 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Here it is, folks. The plagues! You know. That time when God wiped out a whole bunch of people instead of just letting Pharaoh do the right thing. And...
Yes, That Moses
12 Sep 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Things have been looking grim for the Israelites since the days of Joseph. God has allowed their chosen people to fall into slavery because… reasons...
Joseph: Now In Technicolor – Pt. 2
29 Aug 2021
Contributed by Lukas
And on the fifth episode we wrapped up the story of Joseph. And the story was mediocre, at best. You know that awkward moment when you run into that b...
Joseph: Now in Technicolor – Pt. 1
15 Aug 2021
Contributed by Lukas
You’ve seen the musical, now hear the disturbingly disappointing actual story of Joseph and his Technicolor Dream Resume. In this dramatic re-imagi...
Balaam and His Donkey
01 Aug 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Like every youth pastor has said since 2001, Shrek wasn’t the first to go bonkers from a talking donkey. Meet Balaam. A pagan prophet with a reveren...
Jacob Pt. 2
18 Jul 2021
Contributed by Lukas
We pick the story up where we left off in Genesis 30. Jacob is married to his two cousins, and tricked into working seven additional years by his uncl...
Jacob Pt. 1
04 Jul 2021
Contributed by Lukas
We kick off this podcast with the story of Jacob. How do you succeed in life in BCE 1800 when you’re a 2nd born twin, and an indoor kid with a hairy...
Podcast Trailer
01 Jun 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Often we’re told that we need to read the bible. That it would cure us of our atheism. We’re told that the bible is perfect and all answers come f...