Chapter 1: What personal experiences led to the discussion on jealousy and comparison?
Daddy gang, welcome back to another Sunday session. There has been so much going on in my life right now. I also can't tell if it's just May and everyone is busy, but from work to personal life has just been... chaotic, but in a good way, like a good type of busy. I just got back from Canada, which was fun. That was only my second time in Canada. And it was so beautiful.
We went there for a Google shoot we were doing. And guys, I was living my actress life for a week. It was so inspiring and it This entire experience made me realize how I have it so made and I need to thank God every single day for my podcast life. Growing up, I was like, oh my God, I want to be on a movie set. I want to be on Hathaway.
in Devil Wears Prada like or Miranda Priestly you know that works too um but like then I get on set and first of all it was so incredible like to get to work with these directors and producers that I was working with and um some of the actors are on some of my favorite shows that I've ever watched it was amazing and watching them in their element I was like yes yes yes yes yes however I have been spoiled by being a podcaster because when I tell you
You sit down for a podcast, guys, you bang out two hours. OK, two hours. You do a little bit of social media. And then a lot of it is like in the post-production. Right. And it's just like a very like if you want to pivot, if you want to try something different, you can. It's like on the move, on the go. Guys acting.
When I think back to some of the most incredible movies I've ever watched in my life, I now just see it so differently because I'm like, how did they get in a groove? How did they get in the groove? Because let me tell you, I would go on set. I would be on set. I would say two lines. They would say, cut. All right, go back to your trailer for 45 minutes. I'd say, wait, but I only did two lines.
Go back to your trailer for 45 minutes. We're going to reset the cameras. I said, okay, and then are we going to come and do the next set of lines? No, you're going to do those same lines in 45 minutes, just from a different angle. Oh, and like I've known this because I've like gone on sets where Matt is making movies. But to actually physically be the actress, it really put in perspective.
I was like, honestly, I have so much respect for actors and actresses. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But like podcasting is for me. Cameos, you know, she can jump in, do a little, oh, hey, I'm here. Yeah. But, whoa, guys, I love podcasting forever and always. So, yes, that was a positive, though. It was one of the most creative sets I've ever been on.
And I can't wait for you guys to see it. We made like a micro drama and it was insane. All of it. Also, I am going to New York for a little bit of business, a little bit of personal. I'm going with my husband and my team from Unwell and Call Her Daddy. And I'm very excited to go to New York because I feel like...
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Chapter 2: How can we differentiate between supportive and competitive friendships?
New York in May, it's different, but it kind of is similar to New York in October. Like the weather is perfect. People are out. Everyone's in good moods. It's not disgustingly hot yet. Similar to October where it's not disgustingly cold yet. Like the vibes are great. I also just haven't been back to New York in a really long time. And I think I'm overdue for a New York trip.
I still disclaimer have to say though, like I... I am still happy that I don't live there. And I feel horrible saying that because I was such a New Yorker. I felt like for so long, but like, I just, I need the grass. I need the grass. I need the trees. I need it. I need it more than I thought. I think maybe it's just a getting older thing, but like,
It's too overstimulating for forever, but I love a good pop in, pop out. I have so many food stops that I need to make, people that I need to see, places I need to go. What else is going on in my life? I deleted TikTok off of my phone. I would say I did that like two weeks ago and I moved Instagram to the last slide of my phone. So like if I want to go on it, I got to really search for it.
And let me tell you something. Life has been really good. Life has been really good because I have read many books. I read Count My Lies by Sophie Stava. And now it's excitingly getting made, I believe, into a movie or TV show with... Oh my God, who are going to be the actors? Oh, it's Lindsay Lohan and Shailene Woodley. And I just read the book.
I was like, okay, it was actually really, really insane. Like if you like twists and turns, baby, you're on a twist and turn. I read Strangers by Bell Burden, which is like everyone has been talking about this woman's memoir about her husband cheating on her and leaving her and her entire life blowing up in COVID. And it was...
actually so traumatizing and so sad but also just such a testament to women and like we need to make sure we are good on our own always and last but not least if anything this is my absolute fucking favorite miss lena dunham i love you so much um i'm reading her memoir and i just finished it last night famesick let me just tell you something I have loved Lena Dunham for so long.
I remember the first time I had a meeting with her and I just was like, I love you so much, Lena. And just to like know you is to be is a privilege. This book, if you need a new book, you guys. Oh, my God. What that woman has been through. It puts life in perspective. And I just she's such a genius. The way that she writes is amazing.
she's just brilliant like there's something so inspiring reading someone who is so brilliant and the way that she writes I just never wanted to put the book down and Matt was like oh okay I get it we love Lena Dunham but we have to eat and I was like reading it at dinner and I was like okay you're right I need to put it down um and now I'm depressed because I finished it too quickly and I'm like Lena now we need another book so love that if anyone needed any recommendations but now I'm now I need a new book okay and if you could drop a new book rec in the comments
I'm on a kick right now. I want to read and not scroll. And so far, so good.
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Chapter 3: What is Freudenfreude and how does it relate to friendship?
Oh, last but not least in life updates, which is probably the thing I'm the most excited about is... I finally booked a summer trip with my three girlfriends and I could not be more excited. We are going to do a trip to my lake house this summer and. Let me tell you something.
It is so hard to plan a girl's weekend when you are in your 30s because all of us, every single group text is like, all right, wait, let me check that. I have a wedding that weekend. Every single one of us has like 14 weddings this summer and we are like,
Where is the one weekend that you don't have a bachelorette or a wedding or a wedding or like all of us somehow have so many weddings this summer. So we finally were like, this is the weekend. No one's getting married. No one like hopefully no one dies. Like, let's just put it on the books. So we planned it. And then the minute we planned it, obviously, Lauren is planning a themed wedding.
dinner party. The best part about Lauren is she is the best time friend, right? You're like, oh, what are we going to do? And she's like, we're having a themed dinner party, obviously. And I'm like, oh, okay. What's the theme? So Lauren's currently working on themes. She's so excited to have a girls trip on the books to like downtime. We have activities. It just makes me really, really happy.
And I think why I'm also just so excited is all of us going on this trip are kind of more than ever right now individually going through such different things in life right now. We're all at very different defining but weird points. And so I'm really looking forward to having time to just pour into each of us and support each other and talk through all that is going on in our lives.
And there's nothing better than just sitting around a fireplace or on a lake on a boat and being like sobbing, but good tears, some good tears, but being like just with your girls, which is kind of what inspired the topic that I want to talk about today.
I don't know about you guys, but everywhere I go or anytime I open my phone, I, it's like making me mad, but I hear people talking about looks maxing, money maxing, protein maxing, whatever maxing, like people can't stop saying it right now. Every young person in our office is like, I'm whatever maxing. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm here at everywhere. Okay.
But today, I want to talk about something called Freudenfreudermaxing. Here she comes. The grandma's in the room, okay? Listen to me. If you're like, Alex, what the fuck are you saying? That's not English. Don't worry. I got you. Let me tell you, okay? Freud and Freuda is a term. I think it could be a recent term. It could be a made up term. Honestly, God knows.
But it is the experience of feeling joy for someone else's happiness or success. And so before we dive into the topic, I want to set the scene to why this has been on my mind aside from the girls trip I'm having coming up. And it's almost like on one hand, that group of friends is only illuminating in my life of how fortunate I am to have friends.
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Chapter 4: How can you confront a friend who doesn't celebrate your successes?
We're all so supportive of each other. We never get on fights in these trips. There's no weird dynamics. There's no competitiveness. There's literally nothing but good vibes. And then another friend that I have in a different friend group, She has been calling me a lot lately, a lot more than usual, I would say, which don't get me wrong. I love I'm like so happy that I'm hearing from her.
But basically, my friend got engaged about I think she got like two months ago. And they have been together for a few years. They just moved in together. And she understandably has just been like so beyond excited about it. And I am so happy for her, right? Such a great time in her life. But since that she's been engaged, she has been calling me so much more than usual.
And she's calling to talk, like check in, talk about everything. wedding updates, dress ideas, like venue options, like all of it. And again, I love hearing from her. But yesterday when she called, it was like the third time in one week and it was the second time in that one day.
And I was like, I feel like I could just, you know, when you're talking to your friend, I'm like, I can just feel something's off. Like you can just feel the vibes. And so I let her know, I'm like, girl, I absolutely love hearing from you. And I will talk about those wedding details until we are blue in the face. But I do have to ask, because I know you so well, like, is everything okay?
Like, are you good? because obviously you've been calling more than normal and I'm here and I love it and I love hearing from you, but I just wanna make sure you're good because I feel like something could be off but I could be completely reading like the wrong tone over the phone or whatever. And the minute I opened up that conversation for her, she just started breaking down.
And she was like, honestly, I'm so sorry that I keep coming to you. But all of my friends that I usually talk to on the more like day to day or just like talk to like I talk to you are either single or they're in not really great relationships right now. And no one really seems to be as happy or excited for me as you do in this new stage of my life.
And so after she and I debriefed the latest venue, it's a great venue by the way, we ended up hanging up and I couldn't stop thinking about this. I really couldn't because I realized that, first of all, I have had my own version of doing this too. Like when I have a big or exciting thing going on, whether it's with work or it's with Matt or like literally anything,
I have those certain people who I know to call for certain things. And if you really pause and I'm sure if you think about it, I am sure you know which people in your life are going to be genuinely so happy for you and celebrate you in those big moments of your life or those happy moments in your life. And you also know which people probably won't. And there is
Honestly, nothing worse than being so excited about a new job or a new boyfriend, a new apartment or whatever it may be that's going on in your life in that moment. And then you call your friends so excited and they just downplay it. Or they dismiss it when you share it with them.
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Chapter 5: What signs indicate that a friendship may be unhealthy?
It's written by a clinical psychologist and it's called, Why Is My Best Friend Never Happy For Me? They write... Whether it's good or bad news, our impulse as humans is to share our news with those close to us. Most of us don't give too much thought about how our friends will react to our good news. We assume that they'll share in our happiness and react with excitement and enthusiasm.
But what happens when they don't? Friendships, just like relationships, can go through different and sometimes difficult phases. Now might be a good time to be curious about why your friend is responding to you in this way. Ask yourself, has she always responded to my good news in this way or is this a new pattern? If so, what might have changed for her to be responding this negatively?
When people don't feel good about themselves, they might look for ways to boost their self-esteem. Sometimes they may even resort to put downs or negative comments as a way of momentarily giving themselves a sense of being better than others. Is it possible this might be the case with your friend? Or perhaps you feel that envy or competitiveness may be a feature of your friendship.
Another possibility is that Sometimes we can transfer or displace our emotions onto our closest friends. Could it be that your friend is feeling negative about other things but is projecting her feelings onto you? There are many possible explanations for why this might be occurring and only through some honest discussions with your friend will you be able to uncover the truth.
Oh, here's where it motherfucking hurts. Okay. I also want to clarify before I fully dive into this and like how I would personally handle it. It's like, I understand that when talking about this, there is so much nuance to everyone's watchings dynamic with their friend, right? Like I'm not going to be able to pinpoint every single certain situation. I'm going to try to like broadly address.
And then obviously you guys can try to apply it to your life. So let's talk about just like, do you even approach a conversation with someone your friend about this issue, my first advice is you first need to determine like, is there a dynamic shift that just happened out of nowhere? Or are you just now starting to realize like, huh? And so I think a dynamic shift that's current
obviously this person could be stressed there could be insecurity they could be burnt out from their own life they could be going through heartbreak they could have career struggles family stuff like your lives I think you have to recognize may have recently become less aligned which can heighten comparison with one of your friends right like oh you just got the job and they just got fired from their job so maybe they're not going to be so fucking happy for you that you just got your job right so
If that is the case, that something just tangibly just currently happened, my advice, and this isn't just like a bitch that's always been a bitch, I think my conversation approach is like, you need to actually investigate what changed in the relationship. And this kind of takes a level of maturity and reciprocity and self-awareness from you.
Like, and I want to clarify, you shouldn't always be the one that has to like break the ice. But when you're the one experiencing the happiness and this does feel like a one-off with your friend who's not really reciprocating and celebrating you, I do think it's appropriate to ask if she's okay.
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Chapter 6: How do you handle feelings of jealousy towards friends?
honestly kind of often feel like our conversations, it feels like you're downplaying things that I'm excited about or proud of. Or when I do share something positive that's going on in my life, it's often met with negativity. Now, obviously, depending on how your friend responds is going to tell you a lot about the I will say entering my 30s, I am really happy and proud and fortunate.
Like, I don't really have these type of friendships anymore. All of them, I would say, were completely shed by my late 20s. But I do wish that I had the tools to have these type of conversations as intimidating and scary as they can be with friends.
I do genuinely believe that when you actually can have a conversation with a friend, it is always going to make you feel better if you try and talk something through, especially if it's with a longstanding friend rather than just like slowly and intentionally distancing and ghosting. Again, everyone's situation is different.
You could be like, Alex, I wish I could have a conversation with this person, but now I'm realizing I got a narcissist on my hands and I'm like, girl, hit that block button. Like I get it, but I just overall personally have found kind of closure when I'm able to express my feelings and I am direct.
And so even if you end up deciding the friendship isn't going to last, at least you were able to communicate it so you have nothing left unsaid, right? And also I think the whole point of life is like then you're more prepared next time this comes up in another relationship that you're dealing with, right? You're like, oh, I know how to handle this. I know the conversation. I know what to do.
I think if we just don't acknowledge and handle things to some degree, it's just going to keep happening. Now you're all like, OK, so I'm I'm confronting Cassandra. What the fuck, Cassie? I'm going up to Rebecca like I'm having these conversations. When do you know then to end the friendship? I think when it comes to friendship, I typically believe that. I don't know.
I just don't think you should cut someone off over one disappointing moment. I think most people deserve more than that. I would pay attention to how they respond when you do initiate this conversation, right? Like, do they respond to the conversation with actual genuine like care and curiosity? Like of like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't even realize I was doing that.
Or do they get defensive? And they're like, you know what, Alex, you're too sensitive. Not everything is about you. You're always like, are they scorekeeping? That is the, oh my God, guys, ew.
any relationship romantic or friendship or family if someone is scorekeeping aka like well I supported you the one time even though it was inconvenient for me like the victimization when they're like well I guess I'm just a horrible friend then right like I've never showed up for you and you're like Wait, no, no, this is literally not what I'm, wait, how did this become, no, I'm, huh?
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Chapter 7: What advice is given for supporting a partner during public disagreements?
It's even affecting out, like you outside of the friendship. You're thinking about it. You're walking on eggshells. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I also just like very much think, I don't know.
I think you're in the right for determining whether or not you want to continue to have this person in your life in the same way, depending on how they respond to you genuinely looking to repair something. And I also will say about that, like, again, when it comes to the nuance, this is where it's so hard not having a tangible example, right? Like, I have had friends that are going through it.
And I know they're going through it. And I know that... they're not the person I should be calling right now because they're going through it. And there is the way there is reciprocity in that friendship is it's a little uneven for now.
And I know it's not going to last forever, but it's like when my friend is going through something hard, I'm picking up the phone and I'm calling and I'm not talking about myself and I'm just listening and I'm there and you're there and you're there and you're there. And even when they ask you about yourself, you read the room enough to be like, Girl, I'm so good.
We can talk about me another time. Like everything's good. Matt and I are good, whatever. But like, love you. And like, do you want to do another call on Sunday? You have to be self-aware as a friend to know when you need to back down off of your own personal shit to be there for a friend. If it is the entirety of your friendship and you're doing that 24-7, not healthy.
But there are ebbs and flows in relationships that you need to be strong for a friend because guess what? Then all of a sudden, eight months from now, when you end your engagement or someone in your family dies, That's when you can then see, is this an actual reciprocal relationship? Does that friend now step up for you?
And so it's not always going to be 50-50 jogging down the road and oh my God, and me and fucking Rebecca are just bam, bam. It's like ping pong. We're like, oh, and you go next. And that's just like not life, right? You can't plan for trauma and horrible things happening and just bad spurts of your life. So
the score keeping it gets it gets confusing because some people are going to have worse years than others but if it is 24 7 if you're like i don't know the last time i haven't listened to her with her pain then is that's where i get it where you're like i'm getting drained by this person and if the person can't meet you any time with your wins, then that's what friendship is for.
When I think about going on this girl's trip with my friends, all of us have such different jobs, such different relationships, such different family dynamics. And
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Chapter 8: How can we foster a culture of celebration among friends?
I'm being a little introspective right now, which we love, and you're just starting to wonder... Alex, maybe I'm this person. Oh, doggies. Alex, this could be me. Whether my friends have good news to share, my first thought kind of goes to comparison or jealousy. Like, I don't immediately feel happy for them.
If you're having thoughts of jealousy or envy when your friends share good news with you, first, let me just grant you a little bit of cushion. Like, It can sometimes be natural. I get it. You're like, oh, God, she got the job. Like, oh, like, I really wanted that or oh, my God, and I'm failing at whatever. Like, I get it. Those are human emotions. Everyone is going to feel them at some point.
Even if you feel a little ping of jealousy or even more than that, like that doesn't make you a bad friend. What starts to make you a bad friend is do you let those thoughts impact how you treat your friend? Can you sit with your own feelings and not act cold or dismissive towards your friend?
Can you hold that for after and can you still behave in a supporting way while then later sorting through your own resentment or envy? Listen, if you're relating to this, I'm going to just share the advice that I remember my therapist gave me once. She said the first step is looking inward to really try to identify what feelings are coming up for you independent of your friend.
Like, do you really care that your friend got the job? But are you feeling comparison because you are feeling shitty about your situation at your job? Do their wins feel like evidence that you may be falling behind? Maybe it's feelings of grief. Like, did they just get something, right? Whether it's the engagement or the promotion that you have been so desperately wanting for yourself.
Also, another option is it could be a threat to your identity. And just like what I mean by that is were you used to being, and I think this unfortunately, if you've been friends with people for a long time, this can happen, were you used to being the successful one in the group or used to being the relationship expert in the group? And now it feels like you're losing that.
I think we need to be just aware of our triggers. If you feel behind in relationships, yes, maybe a wedding or an engagement may be a little tough for you right there, right? If you feel behind financially, then a friend finally closing on their dream home may bring up feelings for you understandably.
Maybe you're realizing like you haven't been the best at working through these feelings on your own. And so you kind of haven't been as supportive as you should be to your friends. Guys, that's gonna happen. You're not gonna be perfect in your friendships, but you have to own it. And I think you could own it and say something.
I think every one of us has had those moments where the friend owns it and you're like, oh my God, I respect you even more. Like, hey, I have been reflecting and I realize I haven't been showing up as supportive as I wanna be when you share exciting things. And I honestly think some of my own stuff has been bleeding into how I respond to what you're going through.
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