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Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
The Clare Byrne Show on Newstalk. With Aviva Insurance.
Well, from constant self-criticism to impossible standards, do you often find yourself speaking to yourself in a way that you would never speak to others? Well, Michelle Flynn, psychotherapist and founder of Encreeb Yog, is here to talk about an often overlooked topic, and that is our relationship with ourselves. Michelle, you're very welcome. Thanks, Clare.
So we're constantly giving out to ourselves, are we? Yeah, I think we are.
I mean, certainly in my work, when I ask people, you know, something I often ask them, even as part of the initial meeting is like, you know, if I was to come inside your mind and if it was a cafe, would it be a warm, cosy, comfortable cafe where everybody was nice to me and everybody was gentle and there was lovely tone, nice music?
Chapter 2: What is the relationship we have with ourselves?
Or would it be the kind of place that was rushed and busy and everybody was giving out to everyone else and there was a lot of criticism and I'd want to run out with my takeaway cup? So it's like, is your internal world somewhere that is supportive and nice to be or is it a place that's actually really scary, really horrible to be? And how does that develop over time?
So is that something that we have learned to do to be self-critical or do we learn to have the warm cafe environment? So I think it's like, if you think about a baby when they're born, they're not born hard on themselves. They're not born thinking they're not of value or that they need to push themselves in order to be liked, to be accepted, to be enough.
That's something that we internalise and that we learn. And we usually learn this when we're really, really small. And it's not just what we're told, you know, so you could say to a little person, you know, you're beautiful, you're enough, you're great, all of that.
But unless they see you in a positive, nurturing, supportive relationship with yourself, they're not going to internalise that experience. So often this internal critic that we have in our mind is a voice of somebody from the past. It might be a parent, a caregiver, a teacher. There's also societal pressures, you know.
I mean, I think Irish people on the whole, we're quite, you know, we have a strong modesty culture. We don't like taking compliments and we're quite self-deprecating, really. And so I think there's a societal piece there as well. So if somebody is listening to this and they feel that inside their mind is the unfriendly cafe that you have described, how do you go about changing that?
Yeah, good question. So I think the first thing is awareness, because so many of us don't realise that we're talking to ourselves in this way, you know. And I often say to people like, would you speak to your friend, your loved one in the way that you are speaking with yourself?
And you have to remember, the relationship that we have with ourselves, Clare, is the most longstanding relationship we'll have in our whole life, you know.
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Chapter 3: How does self-criticism manifest in our lives?
So it is really important that we spend time nurturing it, being aware of it. And, you know, there's a lot of stuff out there around kind of affirmations at the moment. And affirmations, they are good. You know, things like I'm a value, I'm strong, I can do this, all of that. They'll feel good in the short term and you'll get a little bit of a buzz for it.
But long term, they're not going to last because unless we believe intrinsically that we're of value, that we matter, that we're worth that kind of gentle attitude towards ourself, it's not going to stick. And we do this by, you know, we can't convince our brain that we're enough. We have to show our brain that we're enough. So that's how we do.
and behave towards ourselves, the things that we do for ourselves, how we mind ourselves, care for ourselves. That's how we show our brain that we're worth being nice to ourselves, I guess. So standing in front of the mirror and telling yourself you're fabulous, it's only going to get you so far. It's only going to get you so far. Exactly.
So if you're standing in front of the mirror and you're saying, I'm fabulous, I'm gorgeous, and then you're going out and you're stressing yourself out, you're burning yourself out, you're working two jobs, you're, you know, going at a million miles an hour, then you're not actually showing yourself that you value yourself. So I often say to people, how would you behave?
How would you move around in the world if you were somebody that truly believed that you mattered? And that's what's going to make the difference. But you have to have some self-reflection as well. I mean, you have to strike a balance, don't you? Yeah, absolutely.
And I think, you know, particularly when I work with men and I talk about self-compassion, I mean, women as well, I mean, particularly, you know, women can be really hard on ourselves, but there tends to be this attitude that
self-compassion is this fluffy wooey thing you know but actually self-compassion is about um you know holding yourself accountable living by your values it's not about letting yourself off the hook or self-indulgence or avoiding your responsibility we can go too far the other way as well um and we have to be able to sort of rein it in and say well you're not you know perfect here and you did make a mistake so how do you find that balance
So, again, I think it's about going back to how is this going to serve me long term, you know. So if you give an example of, right, I'm going to have this big piece of chocolate cake. There's nothing wrong with treating yourself to a piece of chocolate cake.
But if afterwards you're going to berate yourself, beat yourself up, criticise yourself, you're going to keep yourself in that stress response. And ultimately, that's going to lead to you feeling crap, you know. So it's about, OK, I enjoyed that piece of cake. That was lovely. But, you know, I'm also know that I I'm trying to look after my body. So maybe tomorrow I won't have that.
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