30: Discover your relationship attachment style with Serafin Upton

As the saying goes, “Love is a verb,” and healthy relationships require intention, attention, time, and care. However, from our Clearhead data, we can see out of all of the people on our platform who said they were struggling with mental health challenges due to personal reasons, “General Relationship Struggles,” “Family Difficulties,” and “Partner Difficulties” were the top 3 issues people were dealing with. To help us grasp a greater understanding of what a fulfilling relationship should look like, how we can find them, and more importantly how to maintain them, our expert guest today is Serafin Upton.Serafin’s biography:Serafin Upton has worked in New Zealand and Australia as a family, couples' and sex therapist for over 20 years. On top of her extensive experience and qualifications, she has also trained under world-renowned sex and relationship therapists Esther Perel and Terry Real.In this episode, we dive deep into answering the following thorny questions:00:00 - Intro01:55 - Serafin’s journey to becoming a couples, child, family, and sex therapist03:25 - What is the common fear that everyone has regardless of their stage of life04:40 - What are the skills you need to develop to have healthy relationships06:20 - What is one thing you can do to become more attuned to someone you care about08:30 - How can you stay present for your romantic partner when you are really busy10:40 - How reflecting back and following up with your partner is key12:30 - Can your attachment style change depending on the relationship?14:05 - How to develop a secure attachment style if you have an avoidant attachment style16:15 - How to develop a secure attachment style if you have an anxious attachment style17:45 - How does emotional intimacy vs physical intimacy change over time in long term relationships22:20 - Tips on how to create space for romance and connection in long term relationships24:05 - Should making time for fun in a relationship be scheduled or spontaneous 26:10 - Advice for developing connection for people who are single27:35 - How to deal with rejection in online dating such as ‘ghosting’29:15 - Are we meant to be single or in relationships33:15 - Is there a difference between being lonely vs being alone35:45 - How your fear of being judged or misunderstood prevents you from developing meaningful relationships37:05 - How to build your tolerance to being vulnerable when sharing in a relationship38:45 - Tips on conflict management in relationships43:30 - Do the type of fights you see in movies happen in real life45:20 - How do you get someone who is conflict avoidant to express their needs47:30 - When is the best time to raise issues you have with your partner49:00 - How do you not get defensive when someone raises an issue with you50:50 - Why is it important to let someone know if you think they are in an abusive or toxic relationship53:40 - How does Serafin assess if someone is in an abusive relationship55:35 - What are examples of psychological violence in a relationship57:00 - What are the red flags that signal you should leave an abusive relationship58:25 - What is the impact of relationship on our mental health59:50 - What is Serafin’s one wellbeing practiceLearn more about Serafin: https://serafinupton.co.nz Learn more about Clearhead: https://www.myclearhead.com/

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