Disagree better
Episodes
Is the overconfidence effect sabotaging your communication?
27 Mar 2018
Contributed by Lukas
The overconfidence effect is a natural bias toward believing that we’re better at something than we actually are. The overconfidence effect can dist...
An effortless way to discern others’ emotions
13 Mar 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Being able to accurately discern someone’s emotional state is an essential conflict resolution skill. But even with both good will and skill, we hav...
How to backpedal after saying the wrong thing
27 Feb 2018
Contributed by Lukas
When words come out of your mouth that you instantly regret, here are some ways to recover from your faux pas and minimize the impact of ill-chosen wo...
Can this key ingredient protect your marriage from relationship conflict?
13 Feb 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Couples can have big fights, frequent conflict, and even bicker all the time and still have healthy, fulfilling, and lasting relationships. How so? Re...
The communication method that makes disagreements worse
30 Jan 2018
Contributed by Lukas
For almost two decades I’ve advised clients to avoid email and texting when tension grows in their important personal or business relationships. Is ...
The Picasso trick for better problem solving
02 Jan 2018
Contributed by Lukas
When we become too wedded to our own solutions, conflict resolution conversations can get pretty stuck. Here’s a trick of the mind to help us stay f...
When it seems trivial, pay close attention
19 Dec 2017
Contributed by Lukas
When you’re tempted to dismiss someone’s concerns as trivial, or roll your eyes at the things people find to fight over, it’s time to sit up str...
You make me so angry!
07 Dec 2017
Contributed by Lukas
This classic piece of research offers insight into the way context may influence blame and anger. Find the transcript with links here. To receive tran...
4 quick techniques to help you think straight in an argument
21 Nov 2017
Contributed by Lukas
When we feel overwhelmed by a difficult conversation, we can get emotionally swamped and lose access to our good conflict resolution, communication, a...
The question that brings hamster wheel debates to a standstill
07 Nov 2017
Contributed by Lukas
Some debates, arguments, and bickering go on and on, without leading anywhere (except to more frustration). If you find yourself in this kind of debat...
Future-proof an agreement with a premortem
24 Oct 2017
Contributed by Lukas
When we’ve put in effort to solve a problem, we want our solution, decision, or agreement to have every chance at long-run success. Here’s a power...
Anxiety about a difficult conversation? Try this.
09 Oct 2017
Contributed by Lukas
Pressure-filled situations like difficult conversations tax our working memory. That’s bad news, since working memory is crucial for reasoning, conc...
The space between
28 Sep 2017
Contributed by Lukas
There’s a space that changes form and scale as we navigate our personal and business relationships. It’s the space between us, narrowing and softe...
Why you should make a habit of repeating this question
18 Sep 2017
Contributed by Lukas
Our solutions are only as good as our understanding of the problem. There’s a good question we can use to help discover a problem’s roots. And we ...
A good way to overcome resistance
06 Sep 2017
Contributed by Lukas
When we notice resistance, a typical response is to try persuading them out of their resistance. But that approach often causes more resistance, as th...
Fear is the enemy of apology
22 Aug 2017
Contributed by Lukas
One reason apologies feel hard to offer is that they’re colored by fear — fear of feeling shame, fear of feeling judged, fear of offering an olive...
A surprisingly effective way to handle behavior problems
08 Aug 2017
Contributed by Lukas
Sometimes the best fix for behavior problems isn’t to address the behavior itself. Sometimes the most effective solution is to change the situation....
When negotiations get stuck, be sure you do this
25 Jul 2017
Contributed by Lukas
It’s not news that understanding the other person’s key interests is a crucial skill for your negotiation skills toolbox. I knew that when I went ...
Walking a mile in their shoes may not be such a good idea after all
11 Jul 2017
Contributed by Lukas
Are you in a career where the ability to show empathy is important? New research suggests that how you arrive at empathy is as important as being empa...
A simple little technique for turning criticism into constructive feedback
27 Jun 2017
Contributed by Lukas
The way you deliver feedback can make the difference between instant defensiveness and thoughtful consideration. One way to reduce immediate push-back...
5 counter-intuitive conflict resolution habits worth developing
13 Jun 2017
Contributed by Lukas
Conflict resolution skills alone will only get you so far. How well you use those skills depends on your mindset and the habits you cultivate in yours...
How category errors make conflict harder to resolve
29 May 2017
Contributed by Lukas
We put people, places, things, and ideas into categories. Categories help us navigate the world and it’s natural to categorize. We categorize in con...
A super simple method for regaining self-control
16 May 2017
Contributed by Lukas
One reason conflict can undermine self-control is that stress compromises our brains’ emotion-regulation circuitry. But all is not lost when we’ve...
When the win-win solution is obscure
18 Apr 2017
Contributed by Lukas
A win-win solution is optimal in so many negotiation and conflict situations at work and home. But what do you do if that win-win solution isn’t obv...
Sweeping conflict under the rug
21 Mar 2017
Contributed by Lukas
Sweeping important conflict under the rug doesn’t make it go away. We know this, even as we continue to do it. Hidden so we don’t have to look it ...
A remarkable tool for neutralizing the ravages of marital conflict
07 Mar 2017
Contributed by Lukas
If 21 minutes of your time could make the difference between a marriage that’s crumbling and a marriage that grows stronger, would you do it? Hell, ...
We could all use a Russell in our lives
28 Feb 2017
Contributed by Lukas
We seek out allies when we’re in conflict because allies make us feel strong and right and reasonable. But in trying to be helpful, our allies may a...
De-escalate anger with this straightforward invitation
21 Feb 2017
Contributed by Lukas
When someone is emotionally swamped by anger, it can be helpful to redirect them temporarily away from their feelings and engage their cognitive capac...
One intriguing reason blame feels hard to take
07 Feb 2017
Contributed by Lukas
The next time someone declines to take responsibility for words or actions that had a bad impact, don’t immediately assume it’s a flaw in their ch...
How to say no persuasively
31 Jan 2017
Contributed by Lukas
Being able to say no is essential for good day-to-day negotiating. Yet it can evoke anxiety about appearing obstructive, unkind, or unhelpful. If you ...
2 smart principles for resolving everyday disagreements
24 Jan 2017
Contributed by Lukas
A meta-conversation is a conversation about a conversation — how it unfolded or how you’d like to approach it. Meta-conversations are useful for d...
Think with your hands for better problem solving
17 Jan 2017
Contributed by Lukas
New research is challenging the notion that thinking, problem solving, and decision making take place strictly in the head. And finally giving me some...
How to show you’re really listening without interrupting
13 Dec 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Want to break the advice-giving habit but aren’t sure what to do instead? Want someone else to stop giving you unsolicited advice all the time? Here...
Weaving the narrative of a conflict
29 Nov 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Conflict takes root in the space between our narrative about what happened and theirs. One way to understand conflict resolution is as the act of weav...
Want someone to calm down? Don’t do this
22 Nov 2016
Contributed by Lukas
I’ve written that anger is a messenger that won’t shut up until its message is heard and understood. But if the anger is so big or so loud you can...
How to ask questions like a pro
15 Nov 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Watch a good mediator at work and you’ll likely notice that good questions are her stock-in-trade. Watch a masterful negotiator and you’ll see the...
Want more self-control during conflict? Try appealing to your future self
08 Nov 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Conflict can rob you of two precious mental faculties useful for sorting things out: The ability to view the situation from the other person’s persp...
How totalizing makes conflict more grueling
01 Nov 2016
Contributed by Lukas
When we deliver or receive information in a totalizing way, we make a difficult conversation needlessly more difficult. Here’s how to resist this ty...
Kintsugi and the art of mending relationship conflict
25 Oct 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Conflict in personal, professional and business relationships leaves permanent cracks and breaks behind. What if, instead of trying to ignore or hide ...
5 impactful phrases to interrupt habitual yelling
18 Oct 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Some people do conflict loudly, whether due to familial or cultural roots, habit, or a low boiling point. When you want to interrupt someone’s habit...
When conflict is real but not true
11 Oct 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Chronic tension and conflict can provoke reactions that are more about what happened in the past than what’s happening at this very moment. In such ...
Friction with a colleague? Ask for a favor
04 Oct 2016
Contributed by Lukas
When friction enters a working relationship, sometimes the best path through isn’t to talk it out. Sometimes the best path through is an indirect on...
The key to handling arguments about respect
26 Sep 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Feeling dissed? Here’s how to raise concerns about disrespect in a way that increases dialogue and decreases pushback. Find the transcript with link...
You want this mental device in your relationship conflict toolbox
20 Sep 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Thinking about the future helps couples overcome relationship conflict and view the situation in a more reasoned and positive light, according to new ...
The real message anger is trying to deliver
13 Sep 2016
Contributed by Lukas
During conflict, focusing mostly on anger’s behavior instead of on anger’s real message is like burying the lede in a news story. Find the transcr...
Be a better listener with these 3 everyday practices
06 Sep 2016
Contributed by Lukas
It’s hard to get better at listening during conflict by practicing during conflict. If you want to be a better listener, practice outside of a diffi...
30 seconds to better conflict resolution
30 Aug 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Note: An updated version of this episode is available here. Better conflict resolution habits don’t start with learning a new approach and the...
The art of dealing with insults
23 Aug 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Sometimes the best comeback after an insult — the comeback that actually does something for us instead of to them — is no comeback at all, as the ...
How to navigate the “not my problem” problem
16 Aug 2016
Contributed by Lukas
“That’s not my problem” are four of the most frustrating words to hear when you’re trying to talk through a conflict. They’re dismissive and...
A quick little phrase to stop bickering in its tracks
09 Aug 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Bickering, an argument about trivial matters, is one of those everyday bad habits that feeds the growth of destructive conflict in a relationship. Whe...
5 uncomplicated ways to gain psychological distance during conflict (and why you should)
02 Aug 2016
Contributed by Lukas
When you’re stuck on a problem or feeling angry, briefly distancing yourself psychologically from the current circumstances can give you emotional r...
How starting a difficult conversation is like opening Fibber McGee’s closet
26 Jul 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Starting a difficult conversation (or negotiation or mediation) can feel like opening Fibber McGee’s closet — chaotic, overwhelming, and hope-suck...
How to confront someone without being confrontational
19 Jul 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Confronting is an essential negotiation, conflict resolution, and problem-solving skill. Being confrontational, though, will usually do you more harm ...
A good rule of thumb when responding to difficult behavior
05 Jul 2016
Contributed by Lukas
When responding to someone else’s difficult behavior during conflict, a good rule of thumb is, “Use the lowest level of intervention first.” Her...
How to deal with difficult people
14 Jun 2016
Contributed by Lukas
How to deal with difficult people? It’s one of the most frequent questions I’m asked in my workshops and by readers, friends, and grad students. H...
The secret to de-escalating loud, angry conflict
07 Jun 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Take it from a mediator: When someone is angry and loud, trying to control them is not only an exercise in futility, but can also have an unintended c...
Conflict resolution terms defined
31 May 2016
Contributed by Lukas
I’ve had repeated requests for the language I use to describe and define common conflict resolution terms like dispute, conflict, mediation, and fac...
9 ways to defeat cognitive overload during conflict resolution
24 May 2016
Contributed by Lukas
The brain’s working memory appears to be very limited and conflict places a lot of demand on that already-restricted capacity. But there are ways to...
How “being with” is a powerful way to help
17 May 2016
Contributed by Lukas
What does it mean to hold the space for someone who’s trying to get somewhere different in a conflict? And how do we hold that space, whether we’r...
Learning from Maori tradition: Whakawhanaungatanga
10 May 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Whakawhanaungatanga is a Māori process for establishing relationships. In the following interview I explore the tradition, identity, trust-building, ...
Making peace with the conflict groan zone
03 May 2016
Contributed by Lukas
“Get me outta here!” That’s the thought a lot of people have during workplace conflict. It’s the thought you have if you’re uncomfortable wi...
The key ingredients of an effective apology
26 Apr 2016
Contributed by Lukas
New research has identified six elements to an apology, and the more of those elements you include, the more effective your apology. But not all six e...
A loving letter to my mediation clients
19 Apr 2016
Contributed by Lukas
My friend, there are some things I want to say about mediation with me, things I hope you’ll ponder before we gather, things I hope will guide you a...
When tension continues after conflict seems resolved
12 Apr 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Even after a dispute has been resolved, distrust and tension can linger. Even when you’ve made every effort to resolve a conflict, the other person ...
Overcoming resistance: Work with people, not on them
05 Apr 2016
Contributed by Lukas
How do you reduce resistance? What are the best ways to handle difficult people? What tactics overcome impasse? How can you get someone to ___? These ...
Want to influence behavior? Stop telling and ask this type of question instead
29 Mar 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Positive affirmations may be popular, but if you want to influence behavior, questions trump statements. But not just any old questions. One type of q...
Overcoming an “empathy deficit” in conflict
15 Mar 2016
Contributed by Lukas
The stress of conflict has ramifications we’re only just beginning to understand: We can apparently “catch” someone else’s stress physiologica...
One powerful way to help ease the suffering in conflict
08 Mar 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Conflict and suffering are confederates working in painful alliance, each feeding the other as if to ensure its own continued existence. If I turn awa...
Before you start solving a problem, be sure you do this
01 Mar 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Design thinking is helping designers, engineers, and entrepreneurs solve problems more successfully and develop better products. Here’s how conflict...
Keeping yourself (and others) out of conflict corners
23 Feb 2016
Contributed by Lukas
It’s tempting to feel triumphant when we successfully back our nemesis into a figurative corner. But it’s ill-advised triumph. Cornering triggers ...
Your memory about what happened is probably wrong
16 Feb 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Memory doesn’t exist to help us perfectly recall things in our lives. It’s there to help us survive. And to do its job properly, memory must evolv...
Quick to blame but slower to give credit? Beware of this thinking error
09 Feb 2016
Contributed by Lukas
When an action has bad impact, how you think about that impact can play a significant role in triggering and escalating blame and conflict. And despit...
How to email someone after a falling out
02 Feb 2016
Contributed by Lukas
What’s the best way to re-establish communication with someone after a falling out? Here’s how to write an email that will help you reconnect afte...
Conflict resolution activities: A mental trick for getting out of our own way
27 Jan 2016
Contributed by Lukas
When we need to get out of our own way, there’s a simple yet powerful exercise we can use to help. It doesn’t take much practice — just commitme...
One ridiculously simple way to be more persuasive
19 Jan 2016
Contributed by Lukas
Failing to ask effectively for what we want is the stuff of low-grade irritation that, over time, can become a source of chronic conflict and tension....