Disagree better
Episodes
Don’t let your mind pick a fight without you
01 Oct 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Runaway thoughts and catastrophizing hobble conversations before they even begin.Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my newsletter he...
Mental models: The invisible maps that shape our arguments
09 Sep 2025
Contributed by Lukas
We disagree better when we understand the ways our mental models help and hinder us during conflict.Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe ...
Are you sure you’re solving the same problem?
06 Aug 2025
Contributed by Lukas
One reason disagreements get messy is that people are on different train tracks and don’t know it. Here's how to fix that.Find episode transcrip...
How to transform gravity problems in conflict resolution
02 Jul 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Gravity problems make conflict resolution more difficult because they keep you stuck. Here’s how to recognize gravity problems when you see them, wh...
Recalibration conversations
04 Jun 2025
Contributed by Lukas
For conflict in vital relationships, don’t overlook the conversation that comes before the problem-solving conversation (part 4 of 4).Find episode t...
Break free from rowboating
21 May 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Stop a conflict's past from holding you fast (part 3 of a 4-part series).Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newslette...
Discover what you're really fighting about
07 May 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Our conflict hooks influence the conflicts we get into, how we react, and how stuck we get (part 2 of a 4-part series).Find episode transcript and lin...
Unpacking our stuck stories
02 Apr 2025
Contributed by Lukas
The story we tell ourselves and others about a conflict isn’t the story of the conflict. It’s our story of the conflict. But what is it trying to ...
Communicate better with looping
05 Mar 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Effective communication requires both sending and receiving skills. This communication tool will help you do both.Find episode transcript and links he...
5 phrases to use when they raise their voice
05 Feb 2025
Contributed by Lukas
How to lower the volume without fuss or drama and get the conversation back on track. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly ...
Replay: What really matters
01 Jan 2025
Contributed by Lukas
In honor of his remarkable legacy, I’m replaying my 2020 story about Nobel Peace Prize laureate and former U.S. President, Jimmy Carter. Find episod...
Can this single ingredient shield a relationship from conflict’s aftershocks?
04 Dec 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Conflict can be detrimental to relationships, but it doesn’t have to be. What makes the difference? Find episode transcript and links here. Subscrib...
Express disagreement amicably with these 5 phrases
03 Nov 2024
Contributed by Lukas
These phrases will help you introduce disagreement in a non-confrontational way. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsl...
Keep your wits during conflict with these cognitive distancing techniques
02 Oct 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Help yourself think clearly, make better decisions, and keep impulses in check with these 11 mental tricks. Find episode transcript and links here. Su...
My favorite ways to gain insight into a conflict
05 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
How I form “provisional theories” that can influence the trajectory of a conflict. Find episode transcript and links here, the QueryCards here, an...
You're not listening
07 Aug 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Do you seem like a bad listener when you disagree? Yes, you do, even when you’re an ace listener. Here's why. Find episode transcript and links here...
3 problem-solving pitfalls that can derail conflict resolution
03 Jul 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Good problem-solving process is like a reliable GPS, helping us navigate a difficult conversation coherently. Find episode transcript and links here. ...
Venting anger: Why it doesn’t help and what to do instead
05 Jun 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Venting anger doesn’t help you calm down and increases aggression. So why is the venting myth still embraced? And what’s better? Find episode tran...
Discovering and managing conflict hooks, part 2
02 May 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Here's an exercise to help you identify your conflict hooks and increase emotional agility during difficult interactions. Find episode transcript here...
Discovering and managing your conflict hooks, part 1
10 Apr 2024
Contributed by Lukas
One of the best ways to increase emotional agility in conflict is to recognize and manage your conflict hooks. Find episode transcript and links here....
Unburied empathy
06 Mar 2024
Contributed by Lukas
What we do immediately after we express empathy helps or hinders the connection and alignment we’re trying to build. Find episode transcript and lin...
Use these 5 phrases to air your grievances and get heard
23 Feb 2024
Contributed by Lukas
How to skip the drama and the rumination and raise a concern so they’ll actually listen. Find Tammy's episode transcript and links here and the ...
Disagree better by asking great questions
06 Feb 2024
Contributed by Lukas
It’s tempting to tell people what they should do. It feels efficient, and it makes us feel helpful and wise. When we replace telling with asking, we...
25 ways to disagree better from 25 years of writing about conflict resolution
02 Jan 2024
Contributed by Lukas
My newsletter, Disagree Better, turns 25 this month. I’m marking the milestone with 25 ways to disagree better from a wide array of thinkers. Find e...
Identify a problem’s primary drivers with a relationship diagram
05 Dec 2023
Contributed by Lukas
One reason agreements and solutions fail is that they don’t sufficiently identify and address the root causes of the problem. Another is that they a...
Getting through the day with a bit of grace
31 Oct 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Should our conflict partners have to earn or deserve our good graces for us to show them generosity of spirit when they’re acting badly? Here’s a ...
Stop rehearsing your stuck story
03 Oct 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Like a movie trailer, your Stuck Story is a montage of the most interesting moments in a conflict, with certain scenes magnified and others omitted. I...
How to deal with stonewalling in a relationship at work or home
05 Sep 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Stonewalling makes conflict conversations more difficult and can damage vital relationships. So what can you do if you want to talk out a problem, but...
Don't bury anger's lede (replay)
02 Aug 2023
Contributed by Lukas
I'm on summer break and will be back with a new episode next month. In the meantime, enjoy this replay from the archives. Episode transcript To auto...
The illusion of understanding
04 Jul 2023
Contributed by Lukas
When someone is steadfastly committed to their position in an argument, the best we can do sometimes is create just a tiny bit of wiggle room in their...
Get into their movie
05 Jun 2023
Contributed by Lukas
It’s hard to stand in someone else’s shoes when we’re in the middle of a conflict with them, even when we know that understanding their perspect...
A question to help ease suffering during conflict
02 May 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Conflict and suffering are bedfellows. When we’re trying to help others in conflict, whether as mediators, leaders, or family members, we can help t...
Walk it out to work it out
04 Apr 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Most of us sit down together to sort out tension and conflict. We meet over coffee, or gather at the conference table, or sit down for a family meetin...
A powerful way to change conflict habits
28 Feb 2023
Contributed by Lukas
My conflict work used to center squarely on helping people have the conversations that resolve conflict. As my work has shifted over the last decade t...
Generate more creative solutions with this question
01 Feb 2023
Contributed by Lukas
When faced with a problem, we often ask ourselves or others, “What should we do?” It’s not a bad question at all, but research suggests a better...
Don’t avoid small fights
03 Jan 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Sure, it’s good to pick your fights. Life is short, after all. But that doesn’t mean you should avoid the small fights as a matter of course. The ...
Ask this simple question to help regulate emotions
30 Dec 2022
Contributed by Lukas
When conflict kindles unwelcome emotions, we want relief. There’s a well-researched emotion regulation technique that reliably dampens the effect of...
Sometimes it’s not a conversation that changes their mind
08 Nov 2022
Contributed by Lukas
When we try to talk out a problem with someone, and conversation hasn’t yielded the results we hoped, we may find ourselves withdrawing from them. B...
How to confront someone without seeming confrontational
25 Oct 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Confronting is an essential conflict resolution and supervisory skill, yet it can feel risky and uncomfortable. We don’t want to seem confrontationa...
Three essential components of highly effective listening
11 Oct 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Highly effective listening is a conflict resolution superpower — it reduces defensiveness, diminishes extreme reaction, and increases open-mindednes...
An upside to recurring conflict: Relational stress wood
13 Sep 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Recurring conflict doesn’t automatically signal that a personal or professional relationship is in trouble. Teams, couples, and families that experi...
The triviality trap
16 Aug 2022
Contributed by Lukas
When you're tempted to dismiss someone's concern as trivial or roll your eyes at the things people find to fight over, it's time to sit up straight an...
The foreseeable now
03 Aug 2022
Contributed by Lukas
This episode is a little different than my usual episodes -- I'm sharing Lu Hanessian's interview of me for The Foreseeable Now podcast. I hope you'll...
Be a better listener with this one crucial habit
25 Jun 2022
Contributed by Lukas
You’ll be a better listener when you disagree with someone if you can first master better listening in your everyday conversations. Here’s a good ...
A mindfulness technique for managing the urge to lash out
28 May 2022
Contributed by Lukas
When frustration or anger hijacks us, we may say or do things we regret. Here’s an uncomplicated mindfulness technique for managing the urge to lash...
What happens *after* conflict resolution?
30 Apr 2022
Contributed by Lukas
Once we’ve sorted out our differences, is the conflict over? Or does it leave a residual experience that can drag us down again? Episode transcrip...
Ghost rules
02 Apr 2022
Contributed by Lukas
We all have our own preferred conversational rules of engagement. When things are going well, it’s easy to overlook someone violating what we consid...
Making the impossible possible
05 Mar 2022
Contributed by Lukas
When solving a problem seems well and truly hopeless, a certain kind of question can clear roadblocks and boost creative problem-solving. These ultima...
Anger resets
05 Feb 2022
Contributed by Lukas
When we’re on the verge of being swamped by anger, having a pre-chosen anger reset can save the day. Here are a few anger resets I suggest to client...
7 tried-and-true ways to safeguard the space between
08 Jan 2022
Contributed by Lukas
The fact that we disagree — even strongly — isn’t what damages personal or professional relationships. It’s how well we make use of practices ...
Disagreeing in front of others? Take it offline
30 Nov 2021
Contributed by Lukas
When a disagreement in front of others gets difficult, there’s a simple remedy for avoiding two common pitfalls such conversations bring with them. ...
To reduce defensiveness, build up the social bond
02 Nov 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Deflecting blame, denying responsibility, and minimizing negative impact are defensive behaviors that make problem-solving conversations frustrating. ...
Conflict resolution is like driving at night in the fog
02 Sep 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Better conflict resolution habits don’t start with learning a new approach and then trying it in your next difficult conversation. Just as you would...
Three threads at the heart of every argument
19 Jul 2021
Contributed by Lukas
When we argue, and particularly when we argue with loved ones and colleagues — those with whom we are in ongoing relationship — the argument has t...
The non-comeback comeback after an insult
25 Jun 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Sometimes the best comeback after an insult -- the comeback that actually does something for us instead of to them -- is no comeback at all, as the fo...
New name for the podcast
24 Jun 2021
Contributed by Lukas
The Space Between is now called Disagree Better
An alternative to perspective-taking when you want to reduce animosity
21 May 2021
Contributed by Lukas
When we want to reduce animosity and increase empathy toward a group or individual, we may try perspective-taking, the act of trying to stand in their...
What is the real issue?
22 Apr 2021
Contributed by Lukas
A subscriber emailed me with the question, “How do I know when I’ve figured out the real problem or issue?” It’s a question worth unpacking an...
A conflict resolution mini-manifesto
12 Mar 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Five ways to stop "less-than"-ing during conflict and conflict resolution. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammyle...
Is a distancing spiral quietly damaging your important relationship?
09 Feb 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Conflict spirals are patterns of friction or tension that worsen over time. Distancing spirals are a particularly insidious form of conflict spiral be...
Introducing QueryCards
15 Jan 2021
Contributed by Lukas
Self-coaching questions for conflict resolution. Find the QueryCards here. Find the transcript with links here. To receive transcripts of new episodes...
When opinions contrast sharply, practice scales
24 Nov 2020
Contributed by Lukas
Practicing scales is an elegantly simple way to get a read on where someone stands along a continuum. It’s useful for illuminating the nuances in di...
Three alternatives to rumination after an argument
06 Oct 2020
Contributed by Lukas
Ruminating — dwelling on troubled thoughts and feelings — impairs good decision-making and can make us more aggressive. It’s a seductive habit a...
How to be truly helpful when someone is upset
10 Sep 2020
Contributed by Lukas
When someone is upset, one familiar response is to ignore it and forge ahead. Another is to try to make them feel better with kind reassurance. Both o...
On the importance of knowing what really matters
13 Aug 2020
Contributed by Lukas
They say that if we see a pothole on the road in front of us and we focus on it, we will inadvertently steer right toward it. To avoid the pothole, th...
Behind every criticism is a wish
28 Jul 2020
Contributed by Lukas
It’s possible to turn criticism into a positive conversation, whether you’re the recipient of someone’s criticism or you’ve gotten feedback ab...
Break down listening barriers with these 4 questions
26 Jun 2020
Contributed by Lukas
Conflict is very good at creating listening barriers. When they’re talking we’re only half listening while we wait to talk, formulate our comeback...
An uncomplicated way to reduce the pitfalls of emotional memories during conflict resolution
02 Jun 2020
Contributed by Lukas
When negative experiences leave someone with strong emotional memories, discussing those experiences during conflict resolution can be tricky territor...
Five uncomplicated ways couples can turn arguments into discussions
13 May 2020
Contributed by Lukas
There’s a new book out, Living Together, Separating, Divorcing: Surviving During a Pandemic, released yesterday on Amazon. The brainchild of Michael...
3 reasons they won’t change their behavior–and what to do about it
21 Apr 2020
Contributed by Lukas
When someone won’t change their behavior, we may try to persuade them by fiat or information. Both approaches can work, but too often, they fail. He...
5 ways to deal proactively with conflict while working from home during the coronavirus outbreak
19 Mar 2020
Contributed by Lukas
Life looks different for most of us than it did a few weeks ago. The dramatic changes in the rhythm of our lives, the economic uncertainty, and the an...
Upstream conflict resolution
17 Feb 2020
Contributed by Lukas
By the time we decide to get help with a conflict, or by the time we’re called in to help others, the conflict has often become chronic or acute. Ch...
How to stop ruminating at night (other times too)
29 Jan 2020
Contributed by Lukas
Rumination, or dwelling on anger or hurt after a conflict, isn’t a helpful habit. To stop ruminating at night or any other time you find yourself dw...
Spark a shift in perspective with this question
19 Dec 2019
Contributed by Lukas
In the midst of conflict it’s hard to get a fresh perspective about the situation or the other person. This simple question is excellent for temperi...
How to disagree better
20 Nov 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Sound decisions, healthy team dynamics, and resilient personal and professional relationships don’t require or even particularly benefit from an abs...
Choosing the right conflict resolution tools
02 Oct 2019
Contributed by Lukas
We use tools to do something more effectively and efficiently. But just like physical tools, ill-chosen conflict resolution tools will not yield the r...
Every conflict contains a bid to be seen
03 Sep 2019
Contributed by Lukas
One reason disagreements turn into conflict and ongoing tension is our failure to see — or acknowledge that we see — the other person in the way t...
How to influence the way people act during conflict
23 Jul 2019
Contributed by Lukas
If you believe someone is aggressive, could they behave more aggressively with you than with others? If someone believes you are a hostile person, are...
A way to turn anger into curiosity
04 Jun 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Only people we love and care deeply about can make us so angry we want to blow a gasket, says famed Star Trek actor George Takei. When someone or some...
Start with a small yes
10 May 2019
Contributed by Lukas
The outset of a difficult conversation often feels like a back-and-forth trading of position and perspective with little common ground. Here’s how t...
Slow down and be the Bedouin
23 Apr 2019
Contributed by Lukas
It feels productive to toss out ideas for a solution and demonstrate how much we want to help. But it’s usually unproductive if we haven’t done so...
Do the next right thing
09 Apr 2019
Contributed by Lukas
When we’re overwhelmed by a difficult conversation, one reason can be that we’re too focused on the horizon and not focused enough on the very nex...
How to politely stop long-winded talkers
26 Mar 2019
Contributed by Lukas
When we listen well, sometimes others hog air time and just keep talking. It’s an inadvertent, and often unwelcome, side effect of good listening. H...
Avoid this common blunder when confronting difficult behavior
13 Mar 2019
Contributed by Lukas
When confronting difficult behavior, we typically focus on what we want the other person to stop doing. Sometimes this works. But too often, we create...
Control emotions better by labeling them
27 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
When we want to control emotions better in the midst of a difficult conversation, we may try to ignore the unwelcome emotion or try the opposite, indu...
Blame vs contribution (and how to make the shift adroitly)
13 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Blame vs contribution — the differences are straightforward to grasp intellectually, yet sometimes tricky to employ effectively in conflict situatio...
A lesson in compassion and understanding from a most annoying woman
29 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
When we say we want to understand someone, but then view them through our own judgmentalism, we’re not being honest with ourselves. Compassion and u...
Flip the problem to illuminate hidden solutions
16 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
The way we approach problem solving influences the solutions we can see — and are willing to see. When problem solving gets stuck, sometimes the bes...
4 handy principles for deciding when you can’t agree
27 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
When you can’t agree even with your best effort, having fallback criteria can break the agreement logjam and allow you get on with other things. Fin...
Is the Einstellung effect interfering with your problem solving?
14 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
The Einstellung effect is a cognitive trap that prevents us from seeing better or simpler solutions to problems we’re trying to solve. Here’s how ...
5 bad listening habits and how to break them
30 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Conflict has a way of magnifying our bad listening habits. I frequently see the following listening habits get in the way of constructive and collabor...
Doubt your conflict story
16 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
When we get into a conflict with someone, it’s natural to replay our experience of the conflict, both in our minds and as we tell others about it. O...
The type of problem that makes conflict resolution harder
02 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Gravity problems make conflict resolution more difficult because they sidetrack us from actionable problems. Here’s how to recognize gravity problem...
A visualization for letting go of things you can’t change
18 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
There are some problems and squabbles that aren’t worth our effort to pursue. Maybe we’re never going to see that person again, or it’s a small ...
3 ways to turn adversaries into problem-solving partners
05 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Most people don’t want to be wrangled into doing something you want but they don’t. Here are three ways to turn them into your problem-solving par...
How to express a concern without making things worse
03 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
When I ask clients why they let a problem go on for so long before addressing it, a common reply is, “I was afraid I’d create more conflict by rai...
Ask yourself this kind of question when an argument rattles you
02 Jul 2018
Contributed by Lukas
When a difficult conversation rattles you, using a centering question can help you get your balance back. Here are favorite centering questions I shar...
Fighting in a relationship: The gift of anger
08 May 2018
Contributed by Lukas
What we believe about anger has an impact on what happens during emotionally charged conflict. Relief from the suffering of conflict can come from the...
This common (but faulty) reasoning leads to bad decisions
24 Apr 2018
Contributed by Lukas
We like to think of ourselves as rational beings, and yet we act irrationally in all sorts of ways. One way we act irrationally is with a type of faul...
5 impactful questions for handling difficult moments
10 Apr 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Most difficult conversations ebb and flow between good progress and difficult moments, those times it’s a challenge to access our best selves and sk...