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Chapter 1: How did the speaker's CIA experience shape their communication skills?
a really great tool that blew my mind when I went to CIA. So I was 27 years old when CIA recruited me. I thought that I was a good conversationalist. I thought I was pretty good with the women. I thought I was like at least a better than average social talent. And then I realized very quickly that I was a dumb ass, right?
And a big part of my dumb assery was that I spent most of my time talking about me, talking about my history, my experience, my qualifications, my ideas, right? CIA taught me that there's a very simple process to rapidly build trust and influence in other people. And that process involves asking two questions and then making one validating statement.
And then after that validating statement, you repeat the same cycle again. And that the process of asking questions and validating other people's ideas subconsciously makes the other person think that you are like them. And it makes them feel like they are interesting and they are important and they are relevant. And then they have a dopamine rush that makes them feel good being around you.
Now you're a dating expert.
What's a good intro like role playing? You you're gonna ask him, you're gonna persuade him, you're gonna get influence over her. I mean, persuasion first. What's like, obviously, it's a situation dependent. But are there like, is there a bank that you start with, like your go tos?
Also, I'm an actor, so it's a little... I mean, I'm sure you are also an actor. I mean, that's kind of what you had to do as a spy. But let's do... Can we do it?
Let's do it. So, Em, I'm going to ask you not to act. I'm going to ask you to try to be genuine. I don't even know who I am, so this will be fun. That's all right. So, from what you've shared today, I already know you're a mom, and I already know that you're... And I've watched your channel enough to know that you've been through a divorce, right? So, let me start with this, Em.
I will start with... What did you do first thing this morning with your kids? What was the first thing you did with your kids today?
My kids didn't stay over last night and my other one's in college. But do you want me to take an example of when my kid was at my house?
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Chapter 2: What two questions can rapidly build trust and influence?
I can see what you're doing. Okay, go ahead.
I need to meet you where you are, right?
My older son's in college and my younger son is at his dad. So I woke up alone today.
What's it like to wake up in an empty house when you know you're a parent?
It's two things. It's kind of a sadness, kind of a pull. My son describes it as there's an invisible string, you know, that's very, very long because wherever he is, I'm attached to him. And then there's also an element of kind of like, I don't have to wake up, make a lunch and get the kid on the bus by seven in the morning. So a little bit of relief as well.
I swear that you just described what I wonder about my own future. Like when my children leave, I feel like I'm going to be sad, but I also feel like I'm going to be happy.
Should I write you a check for a million dollars? Is that what happens?
So what does that mean for your work productivity? Does that make it very easy to work or does that make it kind of distracting to work?
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Chapter 3: How does asking questions make others feel more interesting?
No, I think I'm pretty practiced at it. I've been divorced for 12 years, so I have a rhythm that I've fallen into when I'm alone. What does the rhythm for work look like? Well, it means that I can take my time making my protein smoothie or whatever I'm going to do for breakfast. And then I get to sit down, do some emails, look at my phone, check the news just once.
Don't want to get obsessed about it.
I actually also start my day with a protein smoothie. I use a protein called True Greens. Have you ever heard of them? They're pretty amazing.
No.
So what's the protein that you use?
I use, well, they used to sponsor our podcast. I use Puri, which is, it's a vegan protein powder.
I also use vegan proteins because, first of all, I just find that they are easier to digest. But also, I find that vegan proteins are a more viable solution for long-term muscle growth when I'm older.
That was the cycle of three.
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Chapter 4: What role does validation play in effective communication?
That was a cycle of three. The last cycle had one question and a follow-up. But I could feel the rapport building. It was happening.
How did it feel to you, though? Em, you know what was happening to you.
Chapter 5: How can role-playing improve conversational skills?
So how did it feel to you?
It felt like I was at a bar and a guy was trying to get me into bed. But that's just because that's my fear about people trying to connect with me.
Also, she doesn't like to talk about herself when asked questions specifically. So you're putting her in a very awkward position.
I definitely I felt like, oh, you're relating to things. You're finding the similarities, not the differences. So, yeah, I would imagine that that it does. It feels like a connection. It feels like you get me. It feels like I want to share more with feels like I'd go on a date with you if you gave me your number.
So here's the twisted side of this very effective dating technique.
I don't want to make a spy baby yet, though. We need to have three dates first.
He doesn't have protein in the morning. He never imagined his children leaving the house.
All of that was fake. No, actually, the twisted part here is I now know a great deal about you, Em. But you still don't know anything new about me from that process, really.
Right.
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Chapter 6: What insights can we gain from discussing personal experiences?
You're exactly right.