Last week on the show, we looked at the science of conversation, and how even ordinary chats can involve a delicate dance of coordination. This week, we explore the discussions we all dread: the tough ones. Telling someone they treated us poorly. Demanding a raise. Taking away an elderly relative's car keys. We talk with Alison Wood Brooks about what makes difficult conversations difficult, and a series of psychological techniques to help you navigate them.If you missed part one of our conversation with Alison, be sure to check it out! It's titled "We Need to Talk." Shankar also mentioned our episode with Julia Minson, in which we discuss how to keep conflicts from spiraling. You can find that conversation here.
Full Episode
This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam. There's an iconic episode of the TV show Seinfeld where the character George muses about a woman who treated him poorly. She took advantage of his romantic interest in her, treated him like trash, and then discarded him. George begins fantasizing to his friend Jerry Seinfeld about what he would tell the woman if he met her again.
He would remind her of all the ways she treated him like dirt. He would stand up for himself. He would insist that she respect his dignity and apologize. Since this is comedy, George, of course, runs into the woman shortly thereafter at a social gathering. Instead of being brave and forthright, he is meek and obsequious. He allows her to run right over him all over again.
But in that same scene, another woman comes up to Jerry Seinfeld. She went on a date with him long ago, and she felt he did not treat her well. She tells him what George had meant to say.
Remember me?
I'm sorry.
Mary Contardi? No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry? We had a date three years ago. Said you'd call me the next day. Liar! Liar!
You were never going to call me. You thought you could waltz through the rest of your life and never bump into me again. But you were wrong, Jerry. You were wrong.
Last week on the show, we examined the science of conversation. We looked at why an ordinary chat is far from ordinary. These interactions involve hundreds of micro decisions and a delicate dance of coordination. If you missed that episode, I would urge you to listen to it first. You can find it in this podcast feed. It's called We Need to Talk. Today, we look at the conversations we all dread.
Telling someone they treated us poorly. Demanding a raise. Taking away an elderly relative's car keys. We look at what makes difficult conversations difficult and a series of psychological techniques to help you navigate them. How to have difficult conversations today. This week on Hidden Brain.
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