How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
10 Invisible Red Flags that Get You Rejected: Which Mistakes Are YOU Making? Plus 10 Fast Fixes
Tue, 21 Jan 2025
Ever had a woman ghost you, friend-zone you, or suddenly lose interest—and you had no idea why? Odds are, you accidentally pushed her away. There are 10 invisible red flags that turn women off, and most men don’t even realize they’re making these mistakes! In this episode, dating coach Connell Barrett reveals these attraction-killing errors and shares easy, practical fixes for each one.Here are the 10 red flags that turn women off:04:29: #1 Hiding Your Authentic Self and Being Someone You’re Not06:03: #2 Coming Off as Insecure or Needy09:20: #3 Long, Awkward Pauses in Conversations11:26: #4 Lying or Exaggerating About Your Life14:35: #5 Using Canned, Rehearsed Pickup Lines16:01: #6 Touching Her Too Much…or Not Enough!18:42: #7 Planning Boring, Forgettable Dates22:38: #8 Failing to Be Playful and Fun26:39: #9 Bringing Up Your Ex the Wrong Way29:56: #10 Trying Too Hard to Impress HerListen now, to turn red flags into green lights—and get a great girlfriend!FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN HOW TO HAVE GREAT FIRST DATES:http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactTO GET FREE ACCESS TO “THE FLIRTY 30,” CHARMING QUESTIONS TO ASK WOMEN ON DATES, ON THE APPS, AND WHEN YOU APPROACH:http://www.datingtransformation.com/FLIRTY30WANT A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”? EMAIL CONNELL AND WRITE “FREE BOOK” IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND YOU’LL GET IT INSTANTLY:[email protected]
Chapter 1: What are the invisible red flags in dating?
Get out of your planned mind. Get in the present moment with her. Get present with her. Give her a present. Give her your presence. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett.
I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain self-confidence, get a great girlfriend, and do this by being authentic, radically authentic, not using any weird, toxic, sketchy pickup artist moves. This is about showing women your most confident, best, authentic self, because that's what women want. And today, I'm going to help you fix some dating problems that are holding you back
I'm going to help you get rid of red flags. Red flags that push women away. Dating red flags that you might not know you're sending that make a woman friendzone you, or that make a woman ghost you, or that make a woman just say, hey, you seem great, but let's just be friends, or I'm just not ready to date right now. We're going to go through 10 of the most common dreaded
dating life harming flags, these red flags. And in the next episode, I'm going to give you 10 green flags that are going to help you make some sparks happen. So what is a dating red flag? Well, a red flag is any behavior or trait that makes a woman think, I'm not going to date this guy. It's something that's really hurting your chances of romance with women.
And you don't even realize you're making these mistakes. And these red flags are not things that, it's not that you're a bad guy. It's not that you're not ready for love. I don't mean you're not emotionally available. I mean red flags that signal low confidence, that signal awkwardness, or that signal an inability to connect with women romantically, emotionally, the way they want to.
So what you need to do is make sure you get rid of these red flags and Here's a quick story from my dating past. I remember a first date I had with a wonderful woman named Lorraine. She became my girlfriend, by the way. Lorraine and I met up at a bar. It's our first date. And I'm sitting up at the bar, and I'm reading the latest Harry Potter book. And she walks in. We meet, make some small talk.
The date starts. And a few minutes into the date, she says, by the way, I like that you're not trying to impress me. And I said, what do you mean? She said, well, you're reading Harry Potter. I hate it when guys try to come off as something they're not.
Expelliarmus! Harry, what did you just do?
So basically she was saying she liked that I was leaning into my nerdy love of Harry Potter as opposed to sitting there with a book by Tolstoy or Dostoevsky or something and trying to impress her. Later in the date, she tested me actually about something. We were talking about our favorite SNL shows and cast members. And she said, what do you think of Will Ferrell? Do you think he's overrated?
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Chapter 2: How can you eliminate red flags while dating?
I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal. People know me. I'm very important. I have... many leather-bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
And she said, yeah, yeah, me too. I love him. And she was basically testing me. She was trying to find out if I was going to say the thing that I thought she wanted me to say. Instead of really leaning into who I am and what I feel and what I believe and letting those chips fall. That really attracted her. We made out. She kissed me first. She basically jumped into my arms at the end of the date.
Chapter 3: Why is authenticity important in dating?
We had a really great first date make out. And about a month or so later, she was my girlfriend. And essentially, at that point, I had been working enough on my dating life where I was able to eliminate most of these red flags. So if you can eliminate these red flags, you're going to make it so much easier to connect with a woman and get a great girlfriend.
Lorraine also said something to me once that I want to share with you. She said, you know what? Guys think they need to score points with women on dates. You don't need to score points with us. You actually start off with a lot of points. You just have to not lose points and you'll be in a good place.
And I thought that was another way of getting at what we're talking about today, which is don't try to score points with women. Just don't lose points. And by eliminating these red flags, you're going to be able to not lose those points and make your dates go so much better and soon get yourself a great girlfriend. So let's get to it. Let's get to my 10 dating red flags to avoid.
Dating red flag number one that will turn women off, pretending to be somebody you're not. This is a red flag because attraction is built on authenticity. If you put a fake persona on trying to impress her, she's going to sense it. So don't do some impression of what you think she wants. Don't act all James Bond cool. Or don't be this fake, toxic alpha male. Don't be all mysterious.
Ooh, withhold myself. Make her wonder who I am. Don't act like a bad boy if that's not who you are. None of that is going to work, at least not for very long. acting like a, quote, bad boy or being somebody you're not, when you're actually a kind, sweet, good guy, a nerd like me, a shy, sweet man, put that out there.
Because if you put a false mask out there, you're not going to be able to keep that mask on. That mask is going to eat away at your face. So here's the fix. The fix is to remove that mask. Own who you are. If you're a nerd, show your nerddom. Just like I leaned into my dorky love of Harry Potter books. If you love 80s movies, talk about 80s movies.
If she says something she's into, you don't know anything about it, say, I don't know anything about that. Teach me. Tell me about Shakespeare. Tell me about XYZ topic. The right woman is going to be into you for you. Bottom line is mom was right. The right girl is going to come along and she's going to like you for you. Okay, dating red flag number two that will turn women off.
Coming off as really insecure or needy. Projecting neediness and insecurity. That is like... too much Axe body spray combined with BO. It repels women. And it's a big red flag because women want a man who is going to add something to her life, who's not going to depend on her for validation.
So if you come off as super interested in something about her that she's talking about, you're pretending, that's going to come off as insecure and needy. If you wake up and send her nine text messages without her sending you one back and each message gets progressively needier, did you get my message? Are you there? Are you ghosting me? Then you're going to turn her off. That's a major red flag.
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Chapter 4: What are the consequences of being insecure or needy?
Raw is better than rehearsed. So drop the scripts. Drop the cheesy canned lines. Drop anything. Get out of your planned mind. Get in the present moment with her. Get present with her. Give her a present. Give her your presence. I owned real estate there, but I escaped. Using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love.
It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. I'll
On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. All right, dating red flag number six that will turn her the hell off.
Touching too much or too Touching, not at all. These are the two extremes you want to avoid on a first date. And I'm talking in this sense about a first date. Let's say you're on a first date. Touching her too much, no good. Physical touch is important.
But if you get too touchy too soon, if you listen to all these idiots who are like, break the touch barrier at this certain time, all these lame male pickup losers who suck, if you take their advice and just randomly touch women, you're going to seem weird as fuck. That's so weird. But if you don't touch her at all, then you're going to come off like that timid, nice guy.
Oh, hey, is it okay if I touch you? So you want to find a nice middle ground, okay? You want to think of physical touch as just an extension of your physical expression. Just an extension. And so you want to think of that touch as an extension of your authentic expression. And while at the same time, you want to read the room a little bit.
You want to go up these little stair steps of physical expression. So early on in a date, you might start with light, playful little touches. High five here when you agree with something she said. You make a point, you touch her on the shoulder for a second, then remove your hand. Maybe you tease her a little bit, give her a little playful nudge. And of course, you read the room.
You practice some empathy and some social acuity. Notice how she's feeling. Women love when a guy actually pays attention to how she's feeling. If it's going well, she'll probably touch you back. she'll make it clear it's going well and you can keep some physical expressiveness going. If she's uncomfortable with it, stop touching, pull back a little bit, give her some space.
She might just need time to get comfortable with you. So don't feel like you need to Do break the touch barrier in some kind of regimented way. Read the room. Don't touch too much too soon. But also, don't not touch her at all. Because part of what we do as humans is we are, most of us, are at least somewhat akin to or dialed in to physical touch on some level.
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Chapter 5: How to avoid long, awkward pauses in conversations?
It's a free thing that's going to help you flirt with confidence because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt, right? Well, let's fix that. I'm going to give you what I call the flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach. so that you can confidently connect with cool, sexy women starting today.
It's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are going to make them want to date you. To get your copy of the Flirty 30, it's totally free. Just go to datingtransformation.com slash flirty30. That's F-L-I-R-T-Y 3-0. Datingtransformation.com slash flirty30. You're about to start
confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty 30. Okay, dating red flag number eight that will turn women off not being playful or fun. This is a big red flag because women in general are drawn to playful, lighthearted, fun energy. I mean, we all are, actually, but women in particular, in dating. So if every conversation seems very...
analytical, or if it lacks playfulness, then that's going to make it harder for her to feel those sparks. And if a date isn't fun or playful, then that's going to make it really difficult for you to get a second date. Let's say you approach a woman.
If you approach her, which will impress some women that you confidently walked up to her and started talking, that alone is enough to get you a phone number often. But if you're not playful, if you're not fun in that conversation, guess what? She'll give you her number, but she will not text you back. She'll go quiet.
So if you ever approached a woman, gotten her phone number, and then she went quiet, your interaction with her probably lacked the fun and play that she wants. So what's a fix for this? Well, play some games. Inject some playfulness on your dates or in your conversations. I don't mean be a game player in the manipulative sense. I mean literally play games. Games like thumb wrestling.
Games like staring contest. A fun conversational get to know you game. Like you can play two truths and a lie. I assume you know the idea of two truths and a lie. That's on all the dating apps. That's a great first date game to play where you say three things about yourself and you challenge her to figure out which one is the lie. And then she can do the same thing.
So you can pour the art of getting to know each other into the container of a game like two truths and a lie. I played a great game once. Once I had a first date with a woman. We played a game called First Time. Here's how First Time works. You simply say, let's take turns asking each other about the first time we did X or Y. And by the way, she and I had already kissed.
We had a nice, sweet little kiss. And we're playing a game. So I say, hey, let's play First Time. And I asked her, hey, what was the first time you ever flew on an airplane by yourself? And she told that story. And we talked about the first date we ever had. A lot of first time type questions. And then I said to her, OK, what was your first kiss like? And she said, oh, it was great.
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Chapter 6: What are the dangers of lying or exaggerating on dates?
Bottom line is, luckily, maybe just through hopefully some emotional intelligence, I never got negative about her. In fact, here's the fix. So don't talk negatively about an ex. Instead, talk positively about an ex. Or at the very least, talk about the lessons you've learned and how you've grown. I realized how powerful it can be
to talk about lessons from past relationships, at least briefly on a date. And I remember I would talk about my now ex-wife on dates. And I would say, you know what? It wasn't meant to be, but I'm glad it happened because she learned a lot. I learned so much about not settling. I grew so much as a man. At least I think I did.
And so I was trying to be humble about it, but I did grow a lot from my past broken relationships, especially my brief marriage. And so what I noticed is on a date, Here's a little sneak preview of the green flag episode coming up. You can turn a red flag into a green flag. So instead of complaining about my ex, I actually would say, you know what? She was the one who ended it.
And thank God she did. She was stronger than I was. She could see that this wasn't meant to be. So she ended our marriage after nine weeks. And I'm glad she did because at the time I hadn't grown up enough. But boy, did I learn a lesson. And think about the message that sends a woman you're talking to. wow, this guy is self-aware. He's growing. First of all, he doesn't trash his exes.
Secondly, he's learned lessons from his past relationships. So that's the fix, basically, is to avoid talking badly about your ex. And even better, turn this into a green flag, man. Talk about what a wonderful person she was, just not right for you. Talk about how you're friends now, if you are.
And most importantly, you can say to your date, you can say, here's what I learned about my relationship that ended. And then share what you learned. That is such an attractive trait because your future girlfriend is going to want to be with a man who has learned and is growing because that means good things for her and for you if you get into a relationship. Okay, here's one more.
Dating red flag number 10. That's going to turn women off, which is to brag, show off, try to impress. Quick story. I once had a client named Jacob. Jacob and I once went out on the town in Los Angeles. I do in-person coaching. Take a guy out. I help him approach women. And Jacob and I went out. It was the very first night we ever worked together.
We're at a really cool, fancy, classy lounge called EPLP in Hollywood. It's quite literally in the Hollywood Hills or in the shadow of the Hollywood Hills. And it's filled with beautiful, stylish, thin, gorgeous, cool people. women, Southern California women, you can imagine. And I'm in coach mode. I'm playing wingman for the night. So Jacob and I go out and I say, hey, show me what you can do.
Because the first thing I want to do with the client is I want him to approach some women and I want to watch, see what I notice, see what kind of corrections and blind spots I can help him fix so we can get some great approaching results. So Jacob walks up to two women, two beautiful women. And I remember it vividly. They're both drinking these dirty martinis.
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Chapter 7: Why should you avoid canned pickup lines?
Let's go up to women and instead of telling them about how much money you make or that you're a plastic surgeon, I want you to talk about, let your job come up organically in conversation. Don't lead with it. And then if you're going to talk about your job, talk about it through the lens of what it allows you to do and how it lets you help people. And by the way, Jake is an amazing guy.
He's not just working on rich Hollywood actress types or actor types. He does skin grafts on people who've been in fires before. He does repairing plastic surgery for people who have birth defects or have kind of bone structure problems in their face. He transforms people's self-esteem. He has an amazing job. And we got that clear. And I said, lead with that.
If you're going to talk about your career, talk about how amazing it feels. to be able to change somebody's self-esteem or to take a burn victim and graft skin from another part of their body onto their face and give them a sense of self-esteem back. Like that is priceless to be able to share that kind of passion and contribution. Like I'm getting chills thinking about it, how beautiful that is.
So fast forward about an hour later, we're still at EPLP and then, and, uh, uh, Jake, approaches a really attractive woman. I forget her name, but I think she was some top entertainment attorney. Beautiful, super successful. And he does exactly what I just shared with you. They're clicking and connecting about what they love about their jobs.
So she's hearing the Jake plastic surgery story, but she's hearing it through the lens of how he helps people, how he changes a burn victim's self-esteem, how they see themselves in the mirror. And then he shared with her how that made him feel. And it was all authentic. It was all genuine and super real.
And they actually clicked and connected that night and had an amazing, basically, they left EPLP together. I know because I was in the car with them as a good coach. I was in their car with them. And then I eventually peeled off on my own. But anyway, I was so proud of Jake that night because he learned a great lesson, which is Don't brag.
Don't show off by trying to impress her with your wealth or with anything else. Don't try to impress a woman. The lesson I'll leave you with for this episode is stop trying to impress her. There's nothing more impressive to a woman than a guy who's comfortable expressing himself, what he's passionate about.
how if you do have money, if you do have status, talk about what it allows you to do that helps others or how it allows you to tap into your passion or essentially how it lets you grow and give. A man who's growing and a man who's giving is incredibly attractive. So yeah, I don't care if you make Scrooge McDuck money. Don't talk about how you like to swim and dive into your giant vault of coins.
Talk about what you're able to do with that, with those resources, how it allows you to help people or play up the passion for what you do and leave money out of it completely. Okay, those are the 10 dating red flags that will turn women off. Stick around because next week in part two, I'm going to give you 10 green flags.
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