How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
Ask the Dating Coach: ‘HELP! She Wants Me to Baa Like a Sheep During Sex. What Do I Do?’
Tue, 14 Jan 2025
It’s time to “Ask the Dating Coach!” as Connell Barrett takes your questions. If you struggle with what to say on dates, Connell shares three essential flirting moves to help you spark romantic connections. (Farewell, Friend Zone!) He also reveals why women prefer nice guys over so-called alpha males. And a listener has a “sheepish” question about talking dirty in bed.Highlights from this episode:01:51: Andrew Asks: “A Woman Wants Me to Baa Like a Sheep in Bed. What Do I Do?”03:19: How to Talk Dirty Without Feeling Awkward08:57: Zach Asks: “Am I Too Nice? Do Women Only Want to Date Alpha Males?”11:25: Why the “Alpha Male” Is a Total Myth13:48: How Kindness, Confidence and Authenticity Will Help You Get a Girlfriend24:30: Barry Asks: “Why Can’t I Get Past the First Date?”25:52: Connell’s Aha Moment that Made Him Magnetic to Women31:07: Three Flirting Moves to Escape the Friend Zone and Land Second DatesHit play and start transforming your love life todayFOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN HOW TO HAVE GREAT FIRST DATES:http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactTO GET FREE ACCESS TO “THE FLIRTY 30,” CHARMING QUESTIONS TO ASK WOMEN ON DATES, ON THE APPS, AND WHEN YOU APPROACH:http://www.datingtransformation.com/FLIRTY30WANT A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”? EMAIL CONNELL AND WRITE “FREE BOOK” IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND YOU’LL GET IT INSTANTLY:[email protected]
Chapter 1: What should I do if my partner wants me to baa like a sheep during sex?
Chapter 2: How can I talk dirty without feeling awkward?
If you want to ask me any dating questions, please do. Send me an email, and I will answer them right here on the pod. Email me at connell at datingtransformation.com. That's C-O-N-N-E-L-L at datingtransformation.com. You can ask me anything. And I will answer it if I can on the air in an episode of Ask the Dating Coach. I also might answer it in my column.
I write an advice column for the Good Men Project. So anyway, let's get to it. Let's get to question number one. This is wild. Here we go. This comes from Andrew, a 33-year-old in Brooklyn, New York. Andrew writes, Help! The woman I'm dating wants me to baa like a sheep during sex. What should I do?
In his email to me, he wrote, Hey, Connell, I'm okay with dirty talk in bed, but the woman I'm into and dating is into lambs. In the middle of sex, she says to me, You're my little lamb, aren't you? I try to play along, and I say, Yes, I'm your lamb, but now she's wanting me to make lamb noises. She'll say, bah for me. Bah for me, little lamb. I want to hear you bah.
I'm no kink shamer, Andrew goes on to say, but I feel awkward making lamb noises. Should I tell her that I won't do it anymore? Okay, that's an amazing question. To bah or not to bah? That is the question. Andrew, I'm a big movie nerd. And I think that with this woman, you have a choice between the silence of the lambs and bleat prey love. You still wake up sometimes, don't you?
You wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the lambs. Yes. My view, by the way, is that if this woman is willing to hit the sheets with you, I'm always so appreciative when a beautiful, wonderful woman wants to hook up with me. So why not oblige her? I don't think she's asking for that much. Let me tell you a quick story from my dating past when I was single.
So years and years ago, I dated a wonderful woman named Kate. And Kate had some very specific desires in the bedroom. I remember the first night we were together, we were in bed, she was lying on my chest, lying next to me, and she took a deep inhalation, a deep smell of my chest, And she breathed in deep and said, ah, you smell like an Irish boxer.
And I didn't think much more of it because, hey, if that's her type, great. I'm happy to be with this wonderful woman in bed with Kate. If she likes the Irish boxer type and I fit that mold, fantastic. Of course, I would be an Irish boxer with no muscle tone and a bit of a tummy. But hey, to each their own. So that was my first indication that she was into the whole Irish thing.
And then fast forward a couple of dates. She basically one night she asked me to use an Irish accent with her during sex. during intimacy. And at the time, I was very self-conscious about talking about sex or talking during sex. I was in my head. I was self-conscious, really a lot of self-judgment. And I didn't even want to talk sexy to a woman in bed, let alone do an accent.
But at the same time, I was just so grateful that Kate wanted to be with me. So we're in bed, and I did my best Irish accent, even though I think I sounded like a leprechaun. I believe I said to her, Lassie, you've got me truly bewitched. I said it in my best brogue. I can't get enough of you, Lassie. I'm not even joking. That's exactly what I said to her.
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Chapter 3: Am I too nice? Do women only want to date alpha males?
And my third tip for you is if you really are not into the whole lamb thing, consider a sexy compromise. What I mean by sexy compromise is if you're open to experimenting and having some kind of sexy talk, find a middle ground. You might say to her, hey, how about we talk more in bed, but I'll talk sexy to you as myself instead of as a lamb. That seems reasonable. This way you
You give the two of you a chance to keep the fun, sexy sex talk alive, which she'll appreciate. But you don't have to go full barnyard if you don't want to. So back to Kate and myself from years ago. Doing an Irish accent for Kate taught me that stepping out of my comfort zone can be fun. It helped me grow. It helped me have even more better, more confident, more fun, sexy talk with other women.
something I never would have done maybe if Kate hadn't suggested that. And I'll be honest, I'm the kind of guy, within reason, I will do whatever it takes to make my lady happy. If my girlfriend wanted me to wear a fluffy fleece onesie and baa, I would baa, baa black sheep. But that's me. You got to do you, okay?
So if you do decide to go all in on your lamb impression, Andrew, just remember, commit to the bit. go all the way, commit. In other words, bah, like you mean it. Just like I did my best leprechaun lucky charms sexy talk with Kate back in the day. But anyway, you do you, Andrew. Sex should be fun. It should never be forced. It should be awesome. It should never be awkward.
Chapter 4: Why is the idea of the alpha male a myth?
And just so you know, if you get in the habit of being very giving with women, both in and outside of bed, you're going to have all the ladies, well, you might say, flocking to you. Okay, next question. Question number two for Ask the Dating Coach. This comes from Zach, 29-year-old in Chicago. Zach asks, do nice guys finish last? And here's what his message to me.
This is what Zach sent me by email. Lately, Connell, it feels like the world is telling me that being a kind, respectful man just isn't enough. Donald Trump, who I hate, is dominating the news. Elon Musk is celebrated as a bold risk taker, and the manosphere preaches red pill dating tips. So it seems that being a loud, brash, hyper-masculine man is just in.
The thing is, I'm a quiet, thoughtful, kind guy. I see women as equals to be treated with respect. I think of myself as a feminist, Zach continues, but I'm starting to wonder if being a nice guy is holding me back in dating. Am I just too nice for women today in today's dating culture? Can a guy like me even compete? And again, that's from Zach in Chicago. Zach, I totally get it.
With Trump shouting from the headlines, with Musk flexing his billions of dollars, not to mention the manosphere and the so-called alpha males being celebrated in the manosphere and the red pill part of Reddit, right now the world can seem like one big chest-bumping contest. But what I want you to know is
is that the idea that women only want loud, brash, hyper-masculine men, that is so inaccurate. That's about as accurate as predicting the weather using the farmer's almanac. Here's the truth. Women love nice guys. Love nice guys. In fact, kindness is the number one quality that women value most in a male partner. And this is not just me pulling that out of my...
my hat, there was a poll done a few years ago by a health app called Clue. And this poll surveyed 64,000 women. And they were asked, what are the top 10 things you want in a male partner? Number one on the list was kindness. That's the number one thing women want from a man as a boyfriend in a relationship. And also in the top five were supportiveness, intelligence, and education.
Those were basically everything. the second, third, and fourth top things that women want in a man. Notice what's not on that list. What's not on that list is being a loud, brash jerk. So the manosphere and Trump, in other words, the red pill and the orange menace, these entities are going to appeal to loud, frustrated, lonely men. But
Trump and the manosphere are absolutely clueless about what truly makes a man attractive to women. And I want you to take it from me. Take it from a professional dating coach. I've been a dating coach for 13 years now.
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Chapter 5: What qualities do women really want in a partner?
I've been working on my dating life and actively working in this area for 21 years now total from the first moment I said, time to get good at dating because I suck at it back in 2004. And what I've learned is that women love a nice guy. If, and this is a big if, if he believes in himself and his worth, he's got to have a sense of true worth and significance and confidence in himself as a man.
And that's the kind of men women are drawn to. Women are drawn to a kind, nice guy who also has real backbone, bulletproof confidence. Back to that clue poll of 64,000 women, the fifth thing on that list that women want in a man is confidence. That's the fifth thing.
Chapter 6: How can I escape the friend zone?
I would argue, though, on a date, on a first date, in the flirting, in the courtship phase of dating, confidence is the number one thing women want in a man. I never have my client, I shouldn't say never, but I rarely have ever said to a client, okay, go on that date and be really kind and say this kind thing and do this kind thing.
The kindness is going to emanate from his authenticity, him being a good gentleman. That's going to just be there. What I have men do is I help them hone and harness and channel their confidence and playfulness and devilish flirtatiousness in the ways that women like. But bottom line is confidence has to be there as the other side of the coin to kindness.
So back to your question, Zach, your kindness is not What's holding you back? What's holding you back is your self-doubt. Self-doubt is what's going to be sending women the wrong signals. Self-doubt will get you in the friend zone. Self-doubt will make you want to approach a woman but not do it. Self-doubt will make you timid.
And a man who questions his own very worth, who doubts his own worth and value, that is the ultimate turnoff to women. Women hate that. It's like BO. It's like bad cologne. They hate that sense of self-doubt. Say what you want about Donald Trump. And I have a lot of things to say about him. I would if this was a political podcast, but it's a dating podcast, so I will hold my tongue.
But say what you want about Trump is he projects massive confidence. I think it's a charade. It's a mask. He's painfully insecure and an incredibly small man in so many ways, but he projects confidence. And that's what the red pill community is trying to get men to do is put on this mask, this fake alpha male mask that women want an alpha male. Women want a bad boy.
Women want a man who's the boss. That's nonsense. Don't get me wrong. Women love assertive, confident men. But the problem with the manosphere and all this red pill nonsense is that it's built on an outdated, toxic idea of what masculinity is. This idea that men have to dominate, conquer, suppress their emotions to succeed. Spoiler alert, that's not what women want.
Not what modern women want anyway. Maybe caveman women wanted it. But what women want today is, sure, they want confidence, they want assertiveness. Those things absolutely have their place. But they don't want confidence and assertiveness when it's packaged in this toxic package of ego and aggression and and topped with a red MAGA hat. Most women hate that. It's a turnoff.
So think of masculinity, Zach, not as you being the loudest guy in the room, but what real masculinity is, is being the most grounded and authentic man in the room. Being the man who owns who he is. He's respectful, kind, big-hearted, and pairing that kind of sense of quiet, unshakable belief that you have with real core authentic confidence. That's what a woman wants.
Women want a man who's strong enough to be vulnerable and confident enough to be kind and also brave enough to show up as his authentic self. So let me just give you some hope, okay? I coach guys like you all the time. I coach introverts and I coach mainly introverts, shy guys, nice guys, sweethearts, thoughtful, kind, nice men who often think they can't compete with the so-called bad boys.
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