How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
Ask the Dating Coach: ‘I Don’t Think I’m Good-Looking. Do I Even Have a Chance with Women?’
Tue, 15 Apr 2025
Do you worry that you’re just not good-looking enough to date the kinds of women you’re into? In this episode, dating coach Connell Barrett helps a man who wonders if any women will ever want him because he thinks he’s “ugly.” Connell breaks down what actually makes a man attractive—and it’s not male-model looks. Plus, another listener asks why women agree to dates and then cancel last minute, and Connell shares an easy fix.Episode Highlights:05:30: “Connell, Am I Not Good-Looking Enough to Attract Women?”15:15: “I Cried During ‘Titanic’ and She Ghosted Me—Was I Too Vulnerable?”20:25: “Damn You, Autocorrect! I Just Called Her ‘Boobzilla’!”24:14: “Why Do Women Keep Canceling on Me Last Minute?”32:45: “She Loves My Dog but Not Me. Am I in the Friend Zone?”Listen now and take the next step toward meeting your dream girlfriend.DO YOU WANT TO ATTRACT YOUR DREAM GIRLFRIEND? BOOK A FREE CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN ABOUT 1-1 COACHING:http://www.DatingTransformation.comEMAIL CONNELL FOR A FREE COPY OF HIS NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”:[email protected]
Chapter 1: Who is Connell Barrett and what is this podcast about?
In dating, good looks are a lot like Jacuzzis. They're nice to have, but they're overrated. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett. Think of me as your podcast dating coach. I am here to help you flirt with confidence, get more dates with very attractive, intriguing women, and help you get a great girlfriend. And do it with authenticity.
By being your truest, most authentic self, no sketchy pickup artist moves needed. Because guess what? Women are attracted to you at your most authentic and most confident you. That's right. Mom was right all along. Girls like you for you. So this is about dating with success, results, but also with respect for women, integrity and respect, and also authenticity. So let's get into it.
And today I've got a really fun episode. Today we're going to answer some questions. I'm going to answer some questions that I've been getting from you because there's a lot of dating problems out there that men want help with. I've got some good questions. I've got a gentleman asking me about, is he just not good looking enough to get successful dates and to get a great partner?
I've got a really interesting question from a man who is having trouble getting women to show up on dates. He gets ghosted a lot and gets canceled on a lot. So if you ever get flaked on, if you ever get ghosted, today's a great episode for you.
If you're not sure if you're good looking enough, or maybe you're just not physically handsome enough to attract your type of girlfriend, today's a great episode for you. And then I've got a fun sort of silly wildcard question. A man wrote me and said, hey, Connell, I really screwed up. Basically, he cried on a date while watching the movie Titanic. He cried and the woman lost interest.
And he wants to know if he's just too nice, too sensitive. So we've got some really good stuff today, and I think you're going to like today's episode as we play a little Ask the Dating Coach. So you asked, I'll be answering today. So I can't wait for that. And one of the things that I like to make sure I help you with here on the podcast is flirting.
Making sure you always know what to say, how to talk to women, both in person on dates or when you approach, or also online when sending messages, when texting. It's really important to know how to talk to women. I think struggling to know what to say to women is... the most universal dating problem that I hear from men. Variations of that. What do I say? What's my opener? How do I flirt?
What do I say when I approach? What do I say to not get rejected? How do I stay out of the friend zone? It's all different variations of what do I say. And if you don't know how to talk to women, that's a problem. It leads to ghosting, It leads to getting friend-zoned after one or two dates that fall flat because a woman thinks, eh, he's nice but kind of boring.
And it can lead to loneliness or it can contribute to loneliness if you ever feel lonely. Because struggling with flirting and what to say really does get in the way of finding love and finding that special person. And I have been there. I struggled with this as well. I didn't know how to flirt, how to talk to women.
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Chapter 2: Am I not good-looking enough to attract women?
In a word, flirting is about play. And that's what we'll talk about. If you want to book a free call with me, go to datingtransformation.com, click the book a free call button, and you and I will get on the phone and we'll have a really fun conversation and I'll help you become a better flirter if you want me to.
Anyway, you can also check the show notes below or just go to datingtransformation.com. Okay, let's get to the questions. Here we go. Ask the dating coach. Question number one in today's episode comes from Gary. Gary's 39, lives in Indianapolis, and Gary writes me, Hey, Connell, I'll be blunt. I'm not a good-looking guy. I'm bald, and my forehead is too big, and I've never had a girlfriend.
Am I just too attractive to find a relationship? Well, Gary, that depends. Just how unattractive are we talking about here? Do you make onions cry? Does Bigfoot take pictures of you? Let me ask you this. When you throw a boomerang, does it refuse to come back? That would be ugly. I'm kidding. I like to crack jokes, Gary. That's kind of the point. I've developed...
my sense of humor, and my self-esteem over the years because I am not super good looking either. I am so not Hollywood handsome. I look like a lost Weasley brother. I look like Ron Weasley's lost big brother. So what I do and what I've learned in my dating journey is to accentuate what I do offer, which in my case is sense of humor, accentuate the positive.
And you can learn how to do the same thing. By the way, I don't know anything. I don't know what you look like. Your letter did not include a photo. But let's assume for the sake of argument that you are not physically the physically attractive prototype that you might think society, that women want in men in society. Let's assume that's the case. Here's the thing about looks in dating, though.
In dating, good looks are a lot like jacuzzis. They're nice to have, but they're overrated. Because chances are, your insecurity around your looks are hurting your dating life more than your actual appearance. Right? I mean, think about it. If you're really insecure about your physical appearance, that means you're probably not approaching women.
You're probably insecure about how you look, so you're not able to be loose and free and in the moment and confident and just let it fly. Just speak and express your true, real, best, authentic thoughts because you're worried about, oh, she doesn't like me. I'm ugly. And if you are getting dates... then you're probably insecure about your appearance and that's hurting your confidence on dates.
And that's the thing about perceiving yourself as physically unattractive or not good looking enough, it definitely hurts your confidence. And women can smell low confidence on a man like too much dracar nor, okay? So what you need to do if you're a guy who thinks he's not good looking is you need to shift your focus away from what you think you lack to what you know you offer.
There's a lot of things you offer, but you're not focused on them. You're focusing on what you think you lack, which is your physical appearance. And you're also assuming that every woman in the world wants a really good looking guy and that that's a deal breaker for her. But again, it's not. Most women would say, sure, I'll take a good looking guy if he's really handsome.
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Chapter 3: How can I improve my attractiveness without changing my looks?
Okay, next question. This one's fun. This comes from Ryan in Austin, Texas. Here we go. Hey, Connell. After two pretty good dates with a woman, I invited her to my place for date number three to watch the movie Titanic. She had never seen it before. I got emotional and teared up during the scene where an old couple are in bed holding each other as the ship goes down.
I was planning to go for a first kiss after the movie, but as soon as the credits rolled, she said, well, it's getting late, and she left. And I haven't heard from her since. I feel so rejected. I thought women wanted emotionally open men. Did I show too much vulnerability? That's from Ryan, 33 years old in Austin, Texas. Hey, no judgment here, Ryan. I cried while watching A League of Their Own.
I also cried while watching My Cousin Vinny once. And I wanted to cry during Fast Five, but that's just because of Vin Diesel's acting. That made me want to cry. And yeah, that scene in Titanic is heartbreaking. It's also really genuinely emotional when Leonardo DiCaprio playing Jack Dawson, he meets that icy end on the North Atlantic. And by the way, come on, Rose. Come on, Rose.
There was plenty of room on that door. Come on. Be better, Rose. You could have let him on. Anyway, Ryan, it sounds like you're worried that showing emotion and vulnerability is kind of like an iceberg that's going to sink the SS romance. But vulnerability on a date or in dating, it's not a weakness. Quite the opposite.
Vulnerability is a strength, as long as you pair that vulnerability with some fun, flirty, authentic confidence. So for example, on my first date with my girlfriend Jess, I told her about my failed nine-week marriage that I had many, many years ago. And I also told her how clueless and insecure I used to feel about women and dating before I became a dating coach.
That kind of vulnerability, that's not exactly bachelor highlight reel footage. But I balanced that openness, that vulnerability with playfulness, with a genuine, authentic, masculine presence. And so our first date had a really nice spark. It had variety. It had humor. It had some flirting. It also had vulnerability. So it had a nice balance, much like in the movie, in Titanic.
Jack and Rose had moments of fun where they're dancing below deck, moments of vulnerability, like when Jack admits that he's just a drifter. He's got no money, no permanent home. He's just a man living one moment to the next. So here's my question for you and a question for you, Ryan, which is, did you flirt with her on these dates?
Did you leave the dates with, with energy, with a leadership and confidence or try to, it sounds like since you, you hadn't kissed her by date three, as you write, you had not kissed her by date three. So I suspect that the romance, the, the, the romantic momentum might have already been cooling for her by then, having nothing to do with your tears, with your crying.
Women like men who lead the dating dance. That sounds like you were not leading the dating dance. If you had not gone for a first kiss by date three, you probably are not leading the dance the way most women want a man to lead that dance. Let's go back to Titanic, right? Rose falls for Jack, not just because he's a free-spirited artist. She's drawn to his passion.
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Chapter 4: Why did showing vulnerability on a date lead to rejection?
Chapter 5: What are the common dating problems men face today?
What do I say when I approach? What do I say to not get rejected? How do I stay out of the friend zone? It's all different variations of what do I say. And if you don't know how to talk to women, that's a problem. It leads to ghosting, It leads to getting friend-zoned after one or two dates that fall flat because a woman thinks, eh, he's nice but kind of boring.
And it can lead to loneliness or it can contribute to loneliness if you ever feel lonely. Because struggling with flirting and what to say really does get in the way of finding love and finding that special person. And I have been there. I struggled with this as well. I didn't know how to flirt, how to talk to women.
I remember I once approached a woman at a nightclub 15, 16 years ago when I was first working with coaches. And I walked up and I literally choked. I didn't talk for like 10 seconds. I just... I opened my mouth, but words didn't come out, and she just walked away. It was awkward, very awkward silence. So if you deal with anything like that, then I have been there. I feel your pain.
But just so you know, it doesn't have to be this way. And so if you want to get really good at flirting, which is one of my specialties as a coach, if you want to always know what to say, if you want to be charismatic, and if you want to know how to write a great opener, or how to text women, and how to really make sparks fly on dates, then just so you know, I do one-on-one coaching.
All of my dating coaching is one-on-one and I currently have available slots. If you would like to book a free consultation with me to see if dating coaching might be right for you to find out how you can get better at flirting and talking to women and get more dates, then it's really easy to do that. All you need to do is go to datingtransformation.com. and book a free call with me.
And then you and I will end up getting on a phone call, and we'll talk about the biggest two or three dating things, or I should say dating problems, getting in the way of your dating success. And that would probably include flirting and how to talk to women. And I'll show you and talk with you about how I coach and how I can help you flirt with confidence.
Use something that I call man-to-woman communication. Go back and listen to my man to woman communication episodes where I talk about the art of talking to women in an authentic, playful, vulnerable way. It's all about making genuine emotional connections with women by being authentic and in the moment and also playful. Most men don't know how to be playful with women.
In a word, flirting is about play. And that's what we'll talk about. If you want to book a free call with me, go to datingtransformation.com, click the book a free call button, and you and I will get on the phone and we'll have a really fun conversation and I'll help you become a better flirter if you want me to.
Anyway, you can also check the show notes below or just go to datingtransformation.com. Okay, let's get to the questions. Here we go. Ask the dating coach. Question number one in today's episode comes from Gary. Gary's 39, lives in Indianapolis, and Gary writes me, Hey, Connell, I'll be blunt. I'm not a good-looking guy. I'm bald, and my forehead is too big, and I've never had a girlfriend.
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Chapter 6: How does confidence affect dating success?
As I mentioned in my books, I wrote a book called Dating Sucks But You Don't. As I wrote in that book, dating success starts by getting in touch with you at your most authentic, your most genuine, your most real. And it's easy to lose sight of that because we get so focused in meeting women that through the lens of how do I get a woman to like me or focused on will she reject me or accept me?
And I want you to shift your focus away from there to how can I express my true self? How can I be vulnerable? How can I share my sense of humor? How can I share about myself and learn about her authentic self as well? Because when you have a man being genuine and authentic and vulnerable and a woman doing the same on a date, That is really when real romantic and emotional connection can happen.
Okay, next question. This one's fun. This comes from Ryan in Austin, Texas. Here we go. Hey, Connell. After two pretty good dates with a woman, I invited her to my place for date number three to watch the movie Titanic. She had never seen it before. I got emotional and teared up during the scene where an old couple are in bed holding each other as the ship goes down.
I was planning to go for a first kiss after the movie, but as soon as the credits rolled, she said, well, it's getting late, and she left. And I haven't heard from her since. I feel so rejected. I thought women wanted emotionally open men. Did I show too much vulnerability? That's from Ryan, 33 years old in Austin, Texas. Hey, no judgment here, Ryan. I cried while watching A League of Their Own.
I also cried while watching My Cousin Vinny once. And I wanted to cry during Fast Five, but that's just because of Vin Diesel's acting. That made me want to cry. And yeah, that scene in Titanic is heartbreaking. It's also really genuinely emotional when Leonardo DiCaprio playing Jack Dawson, he meets that icy end on the North Atlantic. And by the way, come on, Rose. Come on, Rose.
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Chapter 7: What practical tips can help men become more attractive?
There was plenty of room on that door. Come on. Be better, Rose. You could have let him on. Anyway, Ryan, it sounds like you're worried that showing emotion and vulnerability is kind of like an iceberg that's going to sink the SS romance. But vulnerability on a date or in dating, it's not a weakness. Quite the opposite.
Vulnerability is a strength, as long as you pair that vulnerability with some fun, flirty, authentic confidence. So for example, on my first date with my girlfriend Jess, I told her about my failed nine-week marriage that I had many, many years ago. And I also told her how clueless and insecure I used to feel about women and dating before I became a dating coach.
That kind of vulnerability, that's not exactly bachelor highlight reel footage. But I balanced that openness, that vulnerability with playfulness, with a genuine, authentic, masculine presence. And so our first date had a really nice spark. It had variety. It had humor. It had some flirting. It also had vulnerability. So it had a nice balance, much like in the movie, in Titanic.
Jack and Rose had moments of fun where they're dancing below deck, moments of vulnerability, like when Jack admits that he's just a drifter. He's got no money, no permanent home. He's just a man living one moment to the next. So here's my question for you and a question for you, Ryan, which is, did you flirt with her on these dates?
Did you leave the dates with, with energy, with a leadership and confidence or try to, it sounds like since you, you hadn't kissed her by date three, as you write, you had not kissed her by date three. So I suspect that the romance, the, the, the romantic momentum might have already been cooling for her by then, having nothing to do with your tears, with your crying.
Women like men who lead the dating dance. That sounds like you were not leading the dating dance. If you had not gone for a first kiss by date three, you probably are not leading the dance the way most women want a man to lead that dance. Let's go back to Titanic, right? Rose falls for Jack, not just because he's a free-spirited artist. She's drawn to his passion.
He stands up to her arrogant fiance. He makes her laugh. He sees her as a person, not just a prize. You know, her Billy Zane, her evil fiance sees her as a prize. He sees her as a person. So Jack, yes, Jack is emotionally open, but he's not only emotionally open. He shows leadership. He shows playfulness, like in the spitting contest or the spitting lesson he gives her. He shows kindness.
And of course, he shows strength. And if this woman lost interest in you, Ryan, it wasn't because you're sensitive. It was because she didn't feel that you led the dating dance. Bottom line is, this woman can cry with her best friends. On a date, she, like most women, tend to want connection and chemistry combined with a man who leads.
So when you're courting a woman, yes, let your vulnerability be one brush stroke. But it's in a larger, captivating, colorful, romantic canvas. And the right woman is actually going to sit right next to you. And she's going to tear up along next to you right on the couch with you. And she'll give you room on the couch.
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