How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
From Dull to Dynamic: How Passion and Authenticity Make You Magnetic to Women, Featuring John R. Miles
Sat, 07 Dec 2024
Does your life lack excitement and passion? Do you worry that women find you boring—or worse, dull? A passionless life can sabotage your dating success, leaving women to gravitate to men with more exciting stories to tell. (Picture your date saying, “Wait, your only hobby is playing video games? Cool, cool... well, I should go now.” Yikes.) Women crave men who live with passion and purpose. In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,” Connell sits down with bestselling author John R. Miles, host of the top-rated “Passion Struck” podcast, to explore how finding your passions can transform your love life and bring you more fulfillment as a man.Here’s what you’ll learn in this episode:2:30 The Life-Changing Power of Facing Your Fear12:05 Why Self-Doubt is Your True Enemy—and How to Build Self-Worth17:32 How to Get Unstuck and Start Living a Passionate Life20:21 The Secret to Turning Powerful New Behaviors into Daily Habits21:03 How to Talk to Women with Passion on Dates—and Why They Love It28:15 How John’s Improv Comedy Experience Helped Him Defeat Fear33:53 The Healing Power of Gratitude: Lessons from Losing a Loved One40:47 How to Show a Woman You’re Dating that She Truly Matters42:22 The Right Way to Talk to Women About Your Career46:52 A Fun Improv Game You Can Play to Get Women LaughingListen now and take your love life from dull to dynamic—because you want to talk to women about much more than Minecraft.TO LEARN MORE ABOUT JOHN AND HIS COACHING:www.johnrmiles.com/TO GET JOHN’S BESTSELLING BOOK ‘PASSION STRUCK’:https://www.amazon.com/Passion-Struck-Powerful-Principles-Intentional-ebook/dp/B0CGS248NR/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1707604358&sr=1-1TO LISTEN TO JOHN’S TOP-RATED PODCAST:https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/passion-struck-with-john-r-miles/id1553279283TO HIRE JOHN AS A KEYNOTE SPEAKER:www.harrywalker.com/speakers/john-r-milesWATCH JOHN’S INSPIRING YOUTUBE CHANNEL:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oW7cQNjZTEAFOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN HOW TO HAVE GREAT FIRST DATES:http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactTO GET FREE ACCESS TO “THE FLIRTY 30,” CHARMING QUESTIONS TO ASK WOMEN ON DATES, ON THE APPS, AND WHEN YOU APPROACH:http://www.datingtransformation.com/FLIRTY30WANT A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”? EMAIL CONNELL AND WRITE “FREE BOOK” IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND YOU’LL GET IT INSTANTLY:[email protected]"Treat every practice like a race; overcome the fear of the starting line through preparation." - John R. Miles"Convey your self-value and power with confidence; it's the superpower that strengthens every relationship." - John R. Miles
Chapter 1: What is the life-changing power of facing your fear?
What that taught me was that so oftentimes we fear the unknown and we don't put ourselves out there to go after what we want.
Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach and author, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you confidently flirt with women and find a great romantic partner. And of course, do this with authenticity. No games, no weird pickup moves. This is about being your best true self. And I have a very special guest for this episode.
This episode is all about how to live a life of passion, how that can make you more fulfilled and also make you more attractive to your future girlfriend and your next date. Because I can speak from experience here, women are very attracted to a man who has a lot of passion in his life. My guest today is a bestselling author. His name is John R. Miles.
a former US Navy officer, a Fortune 50 executive, and host of a great podcast called Passion Struck, which has millions of downloads and is one of the top 100 podcasts on Apple. He helps people live passion-driven lives. He has a great new book out. It's excellent. I've been listening to it on Audible.
It's called Passion Struck, 12 Powerful Principles to Unlock Your Purpose and Ignite Your Most Intentional Life. You can get it on Amazon, on Audible, and you can also get it in the show notes here. I'm going to link to the Kindle version here in our show notes. John, welcome to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast.
Hey, Connell. Thank you so much for having me. Such an honor to be on your show.
My pleasure. And I'd love to start with a quote from your book. Whenever I have an author on, I love to read back something that resonated with me. And at the end of your first chapter, I'm listening to it yesterday at the gym, and you say, quote, Fear... I'm sorry, let me rephrase that. You say, quote, will fear arise with sharpened blades ready to attack? Absolutely.
While it's normal to be afraid, even when we feel ready, when we face our fears with passion, perseverance, and intentionality, we will see that there really wasn't much to fear. I love that. Can you share a little bit more about the power of facing fear and then understanding that usually there's nothing to be afraid of?
Yeah, you know, part of that quote actually came from me studying Hilary Swank. And it's interesting when you look back at her career. And I had originally meant to focus more on her in the book. I talk about her a few times throughout it. But her life, people don't really know the back story that before she made it big in Boys Don't Cry,
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Chapter 2: Why is self-doubt the true enemy for men?
Chapter 3: How can you get unstuck and start living a passionate life?
And I realized that if I wanted to get accustomed to what that starting line feels like and overcome that fear of the starting line, I need to start treating practice as an actual race. and get into that mental conditioning that every time I step foot, whether it was a training run or us doing exercises on the track, to treat it like I was stepping into a race environment.
And the more I condition myself to feel like that and to prepare for it in that way and to be mentally on the go at that moment, it translated then into overwhelming success for a young runner to end up winning a state championship and then going on to run Division I cross country and track. But if I had continued to fuel that fear, I would have never gotten over it.
So it was really a story of recognizing that I had to overcome it and look for tangible ways that I could do so.
Chapter 4: What are powerful new behaviors that can become daily habits?
And you talk about, both in your pod and the book, about self-doubt. Self-doubt is one of the enemies here that people, in particular for our audience today, a man, professional man, a man who's working, he's got his life together, but he might not have the dating life or the social confidence that a lot of people
Chapter 5: How should you talk to women with passion on dates?
feel like they need and you talk about self-doubt and it's that fear of not finding out you're not enough finding out you're not good enough for that job or good enough for that woman or good enough in some way is that right is self-doubt one of the the big bad wolves here
No, I mean, it absolutely is. And I think you look at people who are at the top. I can't tell you how many CEOs and other senior leaders I've met, we'll take this outside of dating, who have reached that pinnacle and are still so insecure about who they are, their messages, constantly questioning others about what decisions they should make.
And it reminds me of a CEO I worked at in this tech company. And we used to call him the elevator CEO, because whoever he rode the elevator last with, he would come out of that with a new strategic decision for the company. And he let these impulsive decisions guide his personal strategy instead of doubling down on his key strengths.
And here we have a person who came from Procter & Gamble, was actually the person who created two or three of Procter & Gamble's biggest selling products of all time. And you wouldn't think that a person of that pedigree
would have that insecurity, but in essence, he was filled with self-doubt, and part of that self-doubt came because he was going into a different environment than Proctor and Gamble.
He came from a brick-and-mortar type of focus to one that was more of a digital focus, and I think he felt because he didn't have the same pedigree as some of the other people he was working with, that that was a disadvantage, when actually, he should have looked at it completely differently. He should have brought out the ideas
that he had from that Procter & Gamble experience and let those who work for him fill in the gaps and be his pillars of strength in bridging his ideas with technology. Now, the same thing can happen in the dating world where... You know, I've seen it all the time where the person who's got the most self-confidence, that's what the opposite sex or same sex is attracted to.
They want to see someone who understands their self-value, understands the power that they hold, and conveys it in a way that shows self-authority, self-awareness, etc. And that truly is a superpower.
I love that. It is a superpower to draw your worth from inside and to be first in touch with it and aware of your worthiness, your significance as a man, and also being able to Project that out into the world in a positive way, in a way that's empowering. I have a really quick story that I think relates to something you just mentioned.
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Chapter 6: What lessons can we learn from loss and gratitude?
So I guess my question back toward you, John, is how does anyone, man, woman, anyone, how does somebody start doing that work to fix that self-doubt and start to rebuild it with real self-worth?
Well, I think you first have to analyze... and get a firm grip of where you currently are. And I think that's one of the biggest issues that people face is we live in a world that's facing the disease of disconnection. And the biggest disconnection that we face is understanding who we truly are. and really doing a 360 evaluation on ourself and how we're showing up to others in the world.
And part of that showing up is looking yourself in the mirror. Part of it is also seeking feedback from others in subtle ways so you understand how you are showing up to them. And so I think it really gets down to the core of we need to spend time getting comfortable with ourselves, what we believe in, what we're passionate about, and using that as our fuel to then bring that out into the world.
Because if you're never feeling good about who you are and your inner strengths, there's no way you're going to be able to project that onto someone else.
Well said. And in my program, I give men a simple practical piece of advice, which you, listener, right now, you might want to do this before this episode is over or at the end of the episode, is they literally write out 25 reasons why this is what I do with my clients. I have them write out a minimum of 25 reasons why he's a great catch for any given woman.
Most men have never actually thought about this. They haven't stopped to say, what do I bring to the table? What do I offer? They're so busy focused on what they think they lack that they don't stop and say, I have a steady job. I'm very successful. I'm in good shape. I play the guitar. I have all these other cool hobbies. And after they hit that 25th reason why they were a great catch,
their psychology has made a shift, at least in that moment, to realize, wow, I have a lot to bring to the table. That's one of my exercises for helping a man begin to change that story about I'm not enough or I doubt myself. Do you have any other, do you have your own tips or advice on how a person can really get in touch with that worth and value? Shut that self-doubt voice down?
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Chapter 7: How can you show a woman you’re dating that she truly matters?
Well, as you were saying that, it took me back in time to my days in college and Um, I, I remember at, at the Naval Academy, when you show up, you're coming out of a high school environment where you're typically, if you get into the Naval Academy or any of the service academies, you're at the pinnacle of your, of your school. You've got good class grades.
Typically you're involved in a lot of, um, clubs, probably student council. You're typically a varsity athlete. You've got all that going for you. And when you get to the Naval Academy, you realize how normal you are compared to everyone else. It's like a friend of mine who was a Big 12 All-American football player, and he showed up to the NFL Combine thinking he was
the best NFL player to ever put his shoes on. And he got there and he realized how average he was compared to everyone else. And I remember back in those days going out with a group of midshipmen who were my friends and going to try to introduce ourselves to women. And you're constantly comparing yourself to those around you and thinking that you're not worthy of it. And I think...
that whole idea of worthiness is to me where it starts and ends is you, you have to start building the conditioning that you are worthy to have the life you want. You're worried, you're worthy to have the partner that you want. You're worthy of building the life together that you aspire to have. And it's,
really tapping into the vehicles that bring you worth and make you feel like you've, you've have that to share with someone else, because when you feel that self worth, others can feel it. It's just like a, kind of like an aura that, that just comes out of your body. And it's really plugging into what are the things that make you feel alive that,
that boost up that inner fire that bring that worth out into the world, so to speak.
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Chapter 8: What fun improv game can help you connect with women?
And what do you advise a man listening to this? He works hard. He might work 50, 60 hours a week sometimes. And he doesn't have a lot in his life other than his work. And maybe he goes to the gym, has drinks with friends once a week.
Any advice for that guy to get more passion in his life, whether it's through his career or through hobbies or any other strategies you have to dial up that passionometer?
Well, I mean, it's so easy to get stuck in that state. I mean, I will tell you, I've been there myself. I remember when I was in Fortune 50 companies, it's so easy to fall in that trap where you're working 60, 70, 80, even a hundred hours a week. And everything else seems to, to not be the focal point because you're so darn focused on what you think is important, but truly isn't.
So I think the first thing that a person needs to do is separate themselves from feeling that that's what's going to bring them fulfillment and happiness. And I remember, um,
and I read about this in the book, one of the things that I had to do to get through this block is I actually went and saw a career coach who was a psychologist on top of that and he started to talk to me about you are living basically on one cylinder and he had me think about a stool with multiple supports but one of my supports
was weighing much heavier than the others, and that was the constant grind. And when the constant grind is infiltrating your life like you're talking about, the other core aspects that you want to build, whether it's your health, relationships, et cetera, go to the wayside because you're investing so much in one area.
So I think the first step you have to do is to do that exercise and to figure out what are the pillars that are holding you up? And the easiest way to do that is to use the Eisenhower matrix or to look at your calendar and your pocketbook, like where are you investing your time and where are you investing your money?
And then you have to look at if you want to change that, what do the pillars really look like that you want to support you? And then I think once you have that in mind, I think the trap we fall into is trying to go from point A to point B too quickly. And I think the best thing to do is to pick a starting point.
So maybe in order to get the more dimensional aspects of yourself out there and you want a hobby, Maybe it's just initially starting to read a book as an example on a path that you want to go to and making a deliberate choice that every single day you're going to read 10 minutes of a book. Or maybe it's you want to start a gratitude practice and use that.
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