How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
The Flirty Dozen: 12 Ways to Smash Out of the Friend Zone and Spark Connection on First Dates
Thu, 05 Jun 2025
Tired of getting stuck in the dreaded Friend Zone? It’s frustrating when your dates feel flat and women say, “I just didn’t feel a connection.” In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,” dating coach Connell Barrett breaks down exactly how to go from the Friend Zone to the Flirty Zone, with 12 game-changing moves that make romantic sparks fly. From charming texts to confidently going for that first kiss, your love life is about to change.Get Ready to Learn:10:05: Why Women Lose Interest after a First or Second Date—and How to Fix this for Good15:23: The Text to Send before a Date that Gets Her Excited about Meeting You24:42: Six Tested Moves to Use During the Date that Women Love43:17: How to Go for a First Kiss the Right Way51:27: What to Text Her the Next Day to Get Date Number 2Listen now to smash out of the Friend Zone once and for all!FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO FIND OUT IF DATING COACHING CAN HELP YOU ATTRACT YOUR DREAM GIRLFRIEND:http://www.datingtransformation.comWANT A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”? EMAIL CONNELL AND WRITE “FREE BOOK” IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND YOU’LL GET IT INSTANTLY:[email protected]
Chapter 1: What is the main topic of this episode?
Do not, I repeat, do not make a gangbang joke on a first date. That's not the lesson here. The lesson here is to be expressive and let your personality come out. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett, helping you to flirt with confidence and
get more dates and get a great girlfriend and do it with authenticity doing it as the real core you because women like you for you as long as you know how to flirt and how to make just a few moves and speaking of flirting and making moves today's episode is about you if you struggle with getting second dates maybe you get first dates
Or there's women you like, but you can't even get a first date with her because she puts you in the friend zone. Or you do get first dates, but you really struggle to get second or third dates. Women just lose interest after two or three dates. Let's call this the friend zone, the dreaded friend zone. And today's episode is all about why we get in the friend zone and how to get out of it.
And I'm going to give you what I call the flirty dozen. I'm going to give you 12 great actionable practical tips that will help you smash out of the friend zone. 12 of them. Three of them are before the date. Six of them are on the date. And three more are after the date. So that we can smash you out of the friend zone and start getting you second and third dates. And a girlfriend.
And women kissing you and making out with you and loving being with you. And that's what I want for you. So how do I know so much about the friend zone? Well, I used to live there. I was the mayor. I was a friend zone oligarch. I was the mayor of friend zone town. I basically was in the friend zone with women until my mid thirties. I remember so many friend zonings. It's just so sad.
I can laugh about it now. I was once on a date and it was going so blandly that She ended the date before I finished my Modelo. I had one drink. I was halfway done. And she said, well, it was nice meeting you. And I wasn't even halfway done with my date. And she bolted. I was on another first date and it was going. So it wasn't going badly. It was just flatlining.
And she left me for another guy on the actual date. I'm not making this up. We were on a date. I forget her name. It's been so many years. Let's call her Sarah. Sarah and I were on a date, and it was just so flatlining and lame and boring. All my fault. And she saw three or four people who happened to be people she knew and was acquainted with, including a guy she clearly was into.
And she ended up saying, well, I'm going to go over to them now. Bye. And she left me for another guy on a first date. That was a first. And then there was a woman named Lauren. And Lauren... was a huge crush I had back in the mid double zeros. And this was a classic case of the friend zone because on paper she wanted to like me.
On paper I was her type, intelligent and funny, at least on my good days, but I just couldn't get out of my own way. I was very eager. I was inauthentic with her. And at one point, I was just making stories up to try to impress her. And she could feel me trying to impress her, trying to be somebody I wasn't. And she friend-zoned me at first.
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Chapter 2: Why do women lose interest after a first date?
She reminded me of a tall Sarah Michelle Gellar, which is a big thing for me because I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer back in the day. And I had a first date with Katie at this cocktail bar, fancy cocktail bar, very early in my dating journey. of getting first dates and just trying to figure out how the heck do you make sparks happen with women?
And I told myself before that date, I said, you know what? I'm going to try something very different. I'm done being fake nice. I'm done trying to tell her, trying to show her that I'm good enough for her. I'm just going to really fully be me. So what does that mean for me? Well, I'm a natural born smart ass. When I was in college, our freshman year, they gave out
dormitory awards you know mr all-nighter mr party guy i won mr smart ass i am a cheeky smart ass that's part of who i am and so i said to myself you know what i'm tired of the friend zone i'm just gonna go out and let it fly i don't care anymore i'm gonna meet this this girl katie and uh i'm gonna be a smart ass and it absolutely changed everything i remember i remember
teasing her about she was really into American Idol. I teased her about her cheesy taste in movies. But here's the thing. I wasn't just being cheeky and cocky, which I was probably too much on that date. I was also still letting my nerdy self come out. I'm a big Marvel superhero guy.
I remember talking with her about the Spider-Man movies and kind of nerding out with her about nerdy topics like Spider-Man and superhero movies. But at the same time, I was teasing her a little bit. And I remember that when I would tease and tease her about something that made her giggle and smile, I saw her bite her lower lip as if to say, most guys don't talk to me this way.
And she started to tease me back, banter back with me. And I could just feel a different chemical chemistry on this date happening. And I remember thinking, wow, I'm really bad. being a lot more the real me, just being a cheeky smartass, but I'm also doing it in a way that she likes. And it went so much better than all of my previous dates.
I'd probably been friend-zoned five or six straight times at that point. And I remember we were walking. We hadn't kissed yet. We were walking from the cocktail bar to get a cab for her on a weeknight in New York City, somewhere in the 00s. And I just she was giving me a different look than other women had been giving me. And we get to this corner and we're standing face to face head on.
And she says, you really want to kiss me, don't you? With a smile. And of course, that's even I at that moment.
stage could get could read could read that stevie wonder could read that signal and i could read that signal and i realized that was her way of saying hey you should kiss me now and i moved in and i kissed her and it was a great first kiss and then the next day i said don't stop connell keep it up she liked cheeky cheeky smart ass snarky connell keep it up a little bit
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Chapter 3: What is the flirty dozen?
By the way, she later told me, Katie, she later said that she was looking at that text message with her girlfriend. And they were looking at it and saying, oh, that's good. He's funny. That's good. They liked it. She liked it. And Katie, by the way, became my girlfriend for that summer. She was like my summer love. And that was a huge turning point for me.
And I think the big lesson, the reason I'm opening this episode with that story is what did I do on that date that really changed the game for me? And what can you do? Well, the friend zone happens when you're hiding who you really are. You're wearing a mask. Instead of being who you truly, really are and being confident in that, you hide it.
behind a mask of what you think that woman wants or what you think men need to be to women. So essentially, I realized, hey, I'm going to be really emotionally open and honest how I project myself. And in my case, I was hiding that snarky, nerdy, smart ass side of me. I let that come out and Katie loved it. And that was a big turning point for me. And I want you to have a similar breakthrough.
Now, I'm not saying you have to be snarky and cheeky like me. That may or may not be your authentic self. But whatever the true core real you is, we do want that side of you to shine. One of my coaches, I met him later, but one of my coaches used to say, the true self is always shining through. That true core you is always coming out.
So you may as well shine it brightly through a really bright prism and see if the woman likes the warm light of that prism. If she does, like Katie did, then wonderful things can happen. And if she doesn't, that's okay too. Okay, so today's episode, I want to give you 12 ways, 12 simple tips to get out of the friend zone before the date, during the date, and after the date.
Now before I get into these 12 tips, let's just define what the friend zone is because there's some confusion about this in this space of learning about dating and success with women and connecting with women. What is the friend zone? My definition of the friend zone is a woman wants to like you and you want to like her and you want it to be mutual, but you're getting in the way.
You're not escalating, connecting, flirting. You're basically not leading the dating dance in the way. to make a woman feel the way she wants to feel. That's my definition of the friend zone. The friend zone is, yeah, she wants to like you, just like Lauren wanted to like me, a different woman. Katie did like me. She wants to like you, but you're getting in the way. You're not making moves.
You're hiding your true self. You're being timid. You want to go for the kiss, but you don't. You want to tell her she's sexy and amazing, but you don't. You play it cool. because you think that's a good strategy. And basically, that's the friend zone. Here's what the friend zone isn't. The friend zone isn't a woman isn't attracted to you. That's OK.
You're allowed to have lots of women not attracted to you. There is nothing wrong with that. There's a lot of reasons why a woman might not be attracted to you. She might not be your type. You might not be the sort of archetype she wants in a man. That's not about you. That's just a taste thing. I had a date several years ago, but long after I became a dating coach.
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Chapter 4: How to go for a first kiss successfully?
Now, you don't have to put it out there in some sort of jerky, you know, hey, meet me on Friday at the tapas bar, 9 p.m. Be there. I'm not saying be that dickishly assertive. You can run it by her. You just simply present it. Hey, I have a great idea for our first date, you might say. You love Spanish tapas. I love Spanish tapas and sangria. How about this Thursday, 7 o'clock?
I know a great place called the Flying Tapas Jar. 7.30 p.m. Work for you? Just be that man with a plan. Women really like that, okay? And I've never met a woman who said, oh, Connell, you plan too much. Stop planning so much. It just doesn't happen. Okay, tip number two before the first date to stay out of the friend zone is send her some fun, light, flirty messages in advance of the date.
Think of texting. Think of the texts you send before a first date. They're like movie trailers. Little sneak previews of the main event. And the first date itself is the movie. So think of texting as a fun, flirty warm-up leading up to that first date. So think playful. Think cheeky. It's almost like you're giving her a taste of that first date energy in advance.
What might some of those text messages look like? Well, again, you always want to be authentic. You want it to sound like you. But here are some examples from my life, from my dating past. I like to crack jokes. I like to send little messages one or two days before the date. I remember once I was at the gym and I texted a woman I had a date with the next night.
I said, hey, Rebecca, just so you know, I'm at the gym right now getting my pecs and biceps totally swole for our big date. Put a little weightlifter emoji in there. And then I think I added a joke. Parentheses.
nervously twiddling my thumbs just dumb dorky humor and she about she hit me back bantered back with what she was doing to plan for our big date it just it created some fun pre-date banter and there was another woman i dated her name is jen this is around the same time this is post katie my post katie breakthrough i remember i dated a woman named jen for a while and she just loved my snarky
my snarky pre first date jokes. Like I used to send messages like, Hey, make sure you wear something tight and low cut tomorrow night so that we match again, very Connell, very me. And, or I'd send like cheeky, like almost overly, overly narcissistic text messages as, as jokes. Things like, just so you know, I just got a brand new haircut for tomorrow night, and I'm looking really handsome.
so try to control yourself okay a lot of that type of thing and i remember jen wrote no no woman no woman had ever written me this this was before our first date she said i cannot wait to meet your smart sexy ass tonight and by the way i have no ass i have no ass to speak of but she was excited to meet my smart sexy ass and the date went amazing jen and i really hit it off and impossible.
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Chapter 5: What should you text the day after a date?
And then hopefully the movie is even better than the trailer. So we do want to make the first date good. So send some fun, flirty, playful pre-first date text messages. Another thing you can do before the date is let's say you get to the venue and she's not there yet. You know, you get there early, which is the next tip, by the way.
You could send a message that says, oh, hey, by the way, just got here. Don't worry. Take your time. But if you're late, you owe me one drink for every minute you're late. But don't worry. I'm a cheap date. That can create some fun pressure on her. Light, playful pressure. Again, it's a joke. It's always playful. It's always a joke. So you can send those kinds of pre-date messages.
Even write literally seconds or minutes before she arrives. Okay. Tip number three. These are the three pre-date tips. Is show up early. And set the stage. Get to that venue 15 minutes early. Grab a good seat. And essentially get yourself accustomed to the environment. What I found is I'm a big planner, as Lorraine was appreciative of.
I love to plan in advance and just make sure I handle all the things that I can handle. At the end of the day, I can't control everything. whether or not she's going to be into me or not, but I can control so many things. So I would always show up early, make sure I got to the venue and I grabbed a really good seat. What do I mean by good seat?
Well, you don't want to be sitting across from each other. Like you're at a business lunch or you're having a conversation with your H&R Block accountants. It's a date. Ideally, you want to be next to each other. You want to be sitting next to each other. And that is something that you can do. It's more conducive to make that happen if you arrive early and make sure, okay, I'll sit up at the bar.
I got two stools right next to each other. That's a really good way to start a date. I remember I would get to a really busy venue And it might be really crowded and there was nowhere to stand or sit or at least nowhere to sit. But because I got there early, 15 minutes early or so, a spot would open up, a seat would open up, then I would go snag it.
And then I was seated in a great spot for a really good date. And the other benefit about arriving early is you just allow yourself to get accustomed to the environment. Get to the venue early. You could talk to the bartender or talk to people next to you. Get out of your head. Get out of your phone. Get into a social mode.
And by showing up early, you get in that social mode and you got a good spot for the date. When she arrives, you're like already, you got some momentum. You already feel confident and more in the zone. Okay, let's talk about during the date. Here are six things
practical actions to apply during the date to make sure you stay out of the friend zone, make some sparks happen, or at least give it a great chance to make them happen. Number one, most importantly, be authentically you. Be you. Don't hide your quirks. Own your humor. Own your personality. Not only do you not want to hide it, you want to showcase it.
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Chapter 6: How can you avoid the friend zone?
She thought it was hilarious. And the date went really well. We ended up going back to my apartment and watching a clip of a movie, one of her movies that was a big hit in Europe. So anyway, do not, I repeat, do not make a gang bang joke on a first date. That's not the lesson here. The lesson here is to be expressive and let your personality come out, okay?
So tip number one during the date, be authentic. That is you at your most attractive, okay? Tip number two is tell her that she's sexy. Tell her that she's sexy. Use the word sexy and tell her why. If I could take the single most important piece of advice from this whole episode,
on how to get out of the friend zone and compress it into the most distilled, simple tip is during that first date, at some point, when you feel it, look her in the eye and say to her, you know what's really sexy about you? It's blank. And then fill in that blank. I don't know what the blank is. I want it to be genuine. It's got to be specific and authentic and real.
But whatever it is, it's going to have an impact on her. It could absolutely smash you out of the friend zone. In fact, I think it will. It's hard to get friend zoned when you look a woman in the eye and say, hey, you know what's really sexy about you? It's the way you laugh. You have the sexiest, most lilting feminine laugh. Just the sound of your laugh makes me Gives me the feel.
Gives me the feels. You better stop it. I'm trying to be good. I barely know you. Trying to be a good boy. But you're making it very hard right now. See what I'm doing there? A little double entendre. There's no way you're going to get friend zoned by that woman. Now, she may or may not want to keep dating you. Maybe you're not her cup of tea or vice versa. Maybe she's not for you.
But you know what? She's not going to say, she's not going to say, oh man, that guy doesn't make moves. Because remember, the friend zone happens when a woman who is trying to like you, when you just don't lead the dating dance. The friend zone happens when you tell the woman to lead. Women don't want to lead the dating dance. They want the man to lead. And so tell her she's sexy.
And to make it really powerful and deep and also classy and cool is is don't make it about her appearance. Don't tell her she's sexy because of her figure, her cleavage, or even her smile. Even that's a bit cliched. Oh my God, you have the sexiest smile. Okay, fine. I guess that's better than not saying it, but it's such a cliche. Such a cliche. Think, what is something about her that I find sexy?
A trait. Maybe it's the way she laughs. Maybe it's the way she looks up and to the right when she's thinking or she bites her lower lip. Those things can be really sexy. It could be a more behavioral trait or I'm sorry, a quality that she's revealed about herself during the date. The fact that she has done adventurous, bold things.
You know, she backpacked through Europe by herself when she was 19 or she
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Chapter 7: What are the best pre-date tips?
The fourth of the tip number four from the first date tips being on the date themselves is be playful. Have fun. Flirting is about playing. In a word, flirting is playing. Or in three words, flirting is playing. So play together. Play a quick game of two truths and a lie. You can do a staring contest. You can improvise fun, playful games in the moment.
I've done things like, okay, look around the room and tell me what guy here you would like to be on a date with besides me. Who's in distant second behind me? You know, you could do something like that. So you can, if you want to inject some playfulness into dates, women spend their whole day before they meet you. She's dealing with her boss. She's stressed out. She's in a logical state.
Stressed mindset to a large extent. We all are. The boss is a jerk. Problems at work. Stress of life. And she's going on a date with you. She doesn't want more logic and information. She wants to play. She wants it to be fun. So that's what we want to bring to her table on the date. We want to play. So have some fun ways to play.
My go-tos are staring contests, thumb wrestling, fun little word games, fun little teases and jokes. And I just like to get really in the moment. And by the way, here's a quick tip. If you ever have the opportunity, I highly recommend you go take an improv class, at least for a one-off. a one-time class and see how you like it.
Practicing improv concepts and improv comedy, it helped me so much become more playful, funnier, wittier, and just more playful in the moment. Because improv is about two people playing. And a first date is about two people playing. Okay, tip number five for being on that date is be vulnerable. Share a little bit about you, a story from your past.
about something that doesn't make you look good, but you can laugh about it now. Be a little bit vulnerable. Confess something. Again, keep it G-rated or PG-rated at most, but there's something real powerful about vulnerability of being willing to put something out there that might not make you look good at the time, but now that you're looking back on it, you're able to laugh about it
you're able to have perspective and it might show that woman, oh wow, this guy's really grown. It also shows that you're not trying to impress her. It shows that you are trying to be really real with her. So vulnerability could be, now beware of talking too much about past relationships because we don't want to do that for very long on a date.
But on first dates, I used to talk a lot about my failed nine week marriage. I talked about being a fat little kid. I was a fat, chubby grade school kid. They teased me. My name is Connell Barrett. This kid, Eric Sundermeyer, called me corn oil bear fat. So I'll talk with some vulnerability about being a dorky, unpopular with girls, chubby, redheaded loser. Not loser, but loser.
Okay, not the cool kid in school. That kind of vulnerability is pretty powerful. It could be as simple as talking about something you suck at. Remember, so many other men she's meeting, they're trying so hard to impress her. They're trying to talk about their money, their cool Rolex watch, their cool boat they own. They're trying so hard to impress her. And it's transparent. You...
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