How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
The New Way to Confidently Approach and Connect with Women (Part 4 of 5)
Thu, 21 Nov 2024
Odds are, you see women you’d love to meet at bars, grocery stores or the gym, but you never approach them. Fear holds you back. You don’t know what to say, and you don’t want to seem creepy. It’s frustrating… but fixable! In this episode, host Connell Barrett—who has approached thousands of women in his 12 years as a dating coach—shares a new way to confidently meet women IRL. His Authentic Approach Technique will teach you exactly what to say to women, so you can get numbers and dates and find an incredible girlfriend. And you’ll talk to women with charm and authenticity, NOT with sketchy pickup tricks.In this episode, dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett will discuss:(2:35) The 3 Simple Ways to Approach Women Almost Anywhere(6:30) Why Women Hate Scripted “PUA” Tactics(7:15) Why Connell’s Authentic Approach Technique is Basically Rejection-Proof(8:05) The Night Connell Got 3 Numbers from 3 Wonderful Women(11:50) The Approaching Mistake that Gets You In Your Head(12:50) How to Meet Women Using a Power Compliment(16:42) The Mindset Shift that Destroys Approach Anxiety(19:42) How to Meet Women by Asking the Perfect Question(22:30) A Great Approach Opener to Use at the Gym(27:53) How to Meet Women with A Funny, Flirty Icebreaker(36:30) How to Be Authentically Attractive, NOT Creepy(41:15) How Connell’s Client Taylor Approached and Made Out with a Woman in Under 10 Minutes(43:49) Your Approach Mission for this EpisodeAre you ready to confidently meet women and get numbers and dates? Listen now!Quotes"Be the charming, authentic man who confidently sparks conversations anywhere. Your natural charm will have her telling her friends." - Connell Barnett"Use a genuine compliment, relevant question, or unique observation to initiate conversations." - Connell BarnettFOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN HOW TO CONFIDENTLY FLIRT WITH WOMEN BY BEING AUTHENTIC (NO SKETCHY PICKUP MOVES NEEDED):http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactTO GET FREE ACCESS TO “THE FLIRTY 30,” 30 CHARMING QUESTIONS TO ASK WOMEN ON DATES, ON THE APPS, AND WHEN YOU APPROACH:http://www.datingtransformation.com/FLIRTY30
Chapter 1: What are three simple ways to approach women?
You'll be able to approach with growing confidence and not having to use these scripted, planned, pickup artist type lines. I'm actually going to give you a really elegant sort of three-option framework that's going to teach you how to break the ice in a charming and spontaneous and, of course, authentic way. Because women don't want a pick-up guy. They don't want good game.
They don't want some robot who's reciting something they found on the internet. They want a spontaneous, real, genuine, present moment with a great guy like you where sparks can just fly naturally. So let's do it. I call this authentic approaching. When you see a woman you want to meet, authentic approaching, as I'm about to share with you, this lets you choose from three ice-breaking options.
Let's call them three different opening choices so that you can talk to her in a really genuine, natural way that women love. And by the way, this is what I teach my clients. This is what I teach my guys when we go out into the field in New York City. Once or twice a month, I go out into the New York City nightlife and I play wingman for my guys. And this is exactly what I teach them to do.
Chapter 2: Why do women dislike scripted pickup tactics?
So I'm going to give you three approaching options that's going to tell you what to say so you don't have to worry what to say. You'll know what to say and you won't have to plan anything. So here we go. Here's how my authentic approaching teaching works. When you see a woman you want to approach... You open the conversation in one of three ways, depending on the situation and what you size up.
So option number one is you give her an authentic compliment. You share something specific that you like about her. Her cool tattoo, the awesome leather boot she's wearing, the confident way she's walking. You just make sure that that compliment is authentic and also G-rated. That's option number one. Option number two is you ask her a relatable question. You ask her a genuine, relatable question.
Chapter 3: What is Connell's Authentic Approach Technique?
Ask her something you genuinely want to know, given the environment, or something that is a totally normal, relatable thing to ask. So for example, you're in line at Starbucks. You might say to her, hey, pardon me, are you getting iced coffee or hot coffee? Could be as simple as that. That's a normal, relatable question to ask in the moment.
Chapter 4: How can a power compliment help in meeting women?
And the third option is you share an interesting observation. You call out something unusual about the situation, and this is a great way to open as well. This is your third option. So you call out something unusual about her or the situation. Like there was a time I noticed a woman holding a yoga mat in one hand while smoking a cigarette. I was in Miami.
She was standing outside of a yoga studio, yoga mat in one hand, cigarette in the other. And I broke the ice by saying, ah, there's nothing like a smoke break. after you crush the downward facing dog, right? Because I noticed that it's a little bit unusual for a woman to be a health nut, but also to be smoking. So those are the three options. And it's really that simple.
And you get to choose the option that feels best and feels right in the moment. Choosing one of these three avenues to break the ice, this is going to tell you what to say and you don't have to plan it. You don't have to do what pickup guys do. You don't need to script out what you're going to say. That robs you of being spontaneous and in the moment. That makes you sound like a robot.
Chapter 5: What mindset shifts can reduce approach anxiety?
You don't want to be some weird, fake, manipulative robot or some toxic alpha male who's using tactics to neg women, show them who's boss. That's toxic. It's gross. It doesn't work anyway. So my approach, my authentic approach, gives you three elegant and simple options. Here they are again. Number one, give an authentic compliment. Number two, ask a genuine, relatable question.
Number three, share an interesting observation. Now, the benefit of this philosophy is that it's really difficult to get your approach rejected this way. I mean, think about it. Most women are going to appreciate a sincere compliment, if you mean it, or they're going to expect a genuine, normal question.
or I should say they'll answer a genuine normal question as long as it's not weird and it makes sense. So this style is as close to anything that exists in the world of dating advice that is rejection proof. Nothing is totally rejection proof, but it's as pretty close to rejection proof as you can get. So let me tell you a quick story.
Let me tell you about the night I first really nailed these three options and saw what great results and how great it made me feel. So back in the day, I was, like I said, I was so nervous about approaching. I was so anxious. I didn't know what to say. I was afraid I'd be weird or creepy. And I thought I'd just get rejected a lot. So I went out and I really struggled for about the first...
nine months, 12 months, when I first started approaching women back in the late 2000s. But one night, I was at a rooftop lounge in New York City, and I had one of the best approaching nights of my life. I saw a beautiful brunette in a silvery dress. She looked like Jennifer Beals from the movie Flashdance. Jennifer Beals' Flashdance. She was my movie crush.
I'm pretty sure I started puberty watching Jennifer Beals' dance in Flashdance. So anyway, I walk up to this woman and I give her an authentic compliment. I say, hey, you look just like the girl from Flashdance. She was my first big crush. And this woman's eyes light up and we have a drink. We dance a little bit. A little bit later, we end up kissing and making out on the dance floor.
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Chapter 6: What is an effective approach opener at the gym?
And I got her number for a date later that week. She ended up leaving that night with two friends. So she left with her friends and I'm still at the bar. A little bit later, same venue, rooftop bar. A little bit later, I turn and I'm at the bar and I turn and see this really pretty petite blonde woman standing next to me at the bar waiting for a drink.
So I just turned to her, and I went with option number two. I asked her a question, a normal question that makes sense in the environment, which in that case, I believe I asked her, hey, what are you drinking tonight? Let me guess. You look like a Long Island iced tea girl, right? She says, oh, no, no, I'm a tequila girl. We start talking about our favorite drinks. I don't remember.
It's been a long time. I think I bought her a tequila shot. We have some drinks together and I got her number as well. All I did was I went with option number two. I asked her a genuine, normal question that makes sense. And then as the night was winding down, I was already having a pretty great night, right? I kissed a really pretty girl who looked like Jennifer Beals. Oh, my God.
And then I got a cute phone number from a really stylish, cool young woman, that petite blonde woman. And then later in the night, toward the end of the night, I noticed something unusual. I see two women who are doing like martial arts poses, and they're mirroring each other in a bar, in a club. That's unusual. That's a slightly very strange thing to see in a bar.
So I walk over and I mirror their pose. And I said, oh, I didn't know they taught karate here. And I made like a karate pose. And they found it funny as I called out the unusual thing that I was observing. And the three of us talked for a while. And the three of us ended up leaving the bar together. No, I'm not saying it was that good. It wasn't like I was with both of them.
But one of the girls, her name is Lacey. I remember I really clicked with Lacey and ended up setting up a date with Lacey. And I left the bar with these two women. We ended up going to another spot for a drink. So what an amazing night, right? That was, at the time, maybe the best night I had ever had out approaching girls.
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Chapter 7: How to use humor in icebreakers when meeting women?
And the next day, my wingman, a guy named Brad, who was with me for part of the night, he said, Connell, you were on fire last night. Three different girls? Oh, my God. How did you do it? How did you hit it off with all these different girls? And the answer to you, dear listener, is I used what I now call the authentic approaching method. I didn't call it that then.
I'm just a guy approaching girls at a bar. But I now look back and I realize, oh, you know what I did that night? I simply chose the right approaching option that each situation presented, and that told me what to say. That informed me what to say. So I didn't plan anything. I didn't use any scripted weird pickup lines. I'm just being really natural, really authentic.
So when you see a woman you want to talk to, I want you to stop asking yourself the wrong question. Stop asking yourself, what do I say? What's the right thing to say? That's an understandable question, but it's not the right one to ask. A much better question is you take a look at that woman and you say, okay, That's a woman I want to talk to.
Which of the three authentic approaching openers or opening styles, which one should I choose? And you just choose one of the three. Compliment, a question, or an observation. And that's going to tell you what to say. You'll be able to confidently and competently approach and
have a very high chance of a good conversation because these are, again, I'm not saying they're 100% rejection-proof, but they're pretty, pretty close to being rejection-proof. Okay, let me walk you through some of the possible openers for all three of these natural approaching options. So option number one, again, is give an authentic compliment.
The secret here is you notice something that you like about her, Okay, besides the obvious, besides her curves, besides her body parts, and you give her a specific genuine compliment. So you want to avoid general compliments like, hey, you have nice style, or I like your energy, or you look nice. Don't be too vague. The more specific you can be, the better, within reason.
So the more specific and the more genuine, the better it's going to go. Because women can feel when a guy's just full of shit and says something to try to talk to her. So you want to mean what you say, whatever it is. Just like I meant it when I walked up to Jennifer Beals Jr. And I told her, oh my God, you look like my crush from the 80s, Jennifer Beals.
She could feel that I meant it in that authentic way. oomph helped really sell my approach. So anyway, here are some examples of the kinds of specific compliments that I've used. Again, I'm not giving you these to practice rehearsed examples. I'm just giving you examples to let your mind understand how it would work.
So for example, I've approached and I've said these five things to different women over the years. Hey, I love that tattoo. That's a great design. Simple, right? Or, hey, excuse me, those are very stylish black leather boots. Very edgy. I approached a woman once and I said, hey, I love your glasses. They're very retro and cool, but also nerdy. I approached a different woman.
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Chapter 8: What is your approach mission for this episode?
I'd be able to give people a 20, make their day better. And that would feel pretty good, right? It's unusual, but it's not weird. And most people would take your 20, most likely, I would assume. Now, what if I gave you a different mission to do? What if I said, I want you to go out and I want you to find five strangers and I want you to try to get these random people to give you a $20 bill.
Try to get these people to give you 20 bucks. People you don't know. How would that feel? And that would feel awful, right? You would feel like a taker. You would feel like maybe a vagrant, a beggar. You would feel like you're just a guy who's only out for himself. It would probably feel really awful to you. And it would probably feel repellent to them.
Imagine a stranger came up to you and said, hey, I know you don't know me, but can I have 20 bucks? You would probably be like, no, go away. Well, guess what? This is how the pickup guys teach good men like you to go approach girls, by making it about what you get, by trying to get something from women. And this feels awful. It feels awful to you, and it feels awful to women.
So don't walk up to a woman with this idea of, I must get what I want. I must get her a phone number. I must get a date. I must get a result. It feels terrible. It's the equivalent of walking up and saying, hey, give me $20. It just feels terrible, and that's why it doesn't work. What I want you to do instead is I want you to think of yourself as just handing out 20s.
You're just handing out 20s, so to speak, 20s in the form of, of quick, genuine, sincere little compliments that you mean with good intention, with a good heart. It's a beautiful thing. It feels so much better. If you do nothing else from this episode and you just adopt this idea of the $20 theory of approaching and you just hand out 20s, so to speak, you're going to feel so much more confident.
It's going to go so much better because you're going to feel like a load has been lightened. You're not going to feel like some creepy guy trying to take something You're going to feel like a generous guy who's just handing out 20s. So that's how I want you to think about giving these authentic compliments. You're just handing out 20s. Who wouldn't take a 20? Free 20.
I would take a free 20 from anybody. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned real estate there.
But I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my bestselling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend.
So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend.
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