How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
You’re Flirting Wrong: The New Way to Talk to Women + 5 Flirting Fails to Avoid (Part 2 of 5)
Tue, 19 Nov 2024
Chances are, you struggle with flirting. You’re not sure how to talk to women, and you run out of things to say. It hurts your confidence and your dating results. But what if you knew exactly how to talk to girls in a way they love, leading to great dates and deep connections? In part 2 of his 5-part series to help you get you a great girlfriend, dating coach Connell Barrett teaches you a new way to flirt. You’re about to harness the power of Man-to-Woman Communication, a simple way to confidently talk to women with charm and authenticity.In this episode, dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett will discuss:(4:58) The “Aha!” Moment when he Realized the Power of Man-to-Woman Communication(13:08) The Reason You Get Stuck in the Friend Zone(14:28) The 3 Pillars of Man-to-Woman Communication(16:20) How to Never Run out of Things to Say(18:30) The “80-20 Rule” to Help You Flirt with Genuine Charm, Not Manipulative Tactics(20:21) 10 Tested Flirting Moves Connell and His Clients Use(22:40) How to Make Her Swoon: the Right Way to Give a Compliment(29:37) The Difference Between Flirting (Good!) and Fawning (Bad!)(34:00) The Flirty Text Message that Helped Connell Charm His Future Girlfriend(37:11) The Right Way to Touch a Woman on First Dates… and the WRONG Way(41:40) The Most Potent Weapon in Your Dating Arsenal(43:15) 5 Flirting Fails You Must Avoid(49:20) 3 Back-pocket Questions to Assure You’ll Never Run Out of Things to SayAre you ready to stop struggling when talking to women and start flirting with charm and authenticity? Learn the art of Man-to-Woman Communication. Listen now!FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO LEARN HOW TO CONFIDENTLY FLIRT WITH WOMEN BY BEING AUTHENTIC (NO SKETCHY PICKUP MOVES NEEDED):http://www.datingtransformation.com/contactTO GET FREE ACCESS TO “THE FLIRTY 30,” 30 CHARMING QUESTIONS TO ASK WOMEN ON DATES, ON THE APPS, AND WHEN YOU APPROACH:http://www.datingtransformation.com/FLIRTY30Quotes"Man-to-woman communication is like turbocharged flirting—it simplifies and authenticates romantic connections." - Connell Barnett"I think the most powerful tool you can bring to your dating life is playfulness." - Connell Barnett
Chapter 1: What is radical authenticity in dating?
I'm going to give you the good stuff, the moves, the tips, the what to say. You're going to learn all about how to confidently flirt with women using my flirting formula. And this means you're going to be able to stop running out of things to say with women you're talking to. And you're going to be able to start attracting some cool, cute girls.
So I'm going to give you my flirting system that you'll be able to pick up really quickly. I'm also going to share 10 tested flirting tips that you can use right away. And not done there, but wait, there's more. I'll give you five of the biggest flirting mistakes to avoid. And you might not even know you're making some of these flirting mistakes.
By the way, stick around to the very end of the episode. I'm going to give you three of my favorite flirty questions to ask women if you ever get stuck in your head. Think of these as three back pocket flirting moves, flirty questions so that you always have something to say. No more awkward silences. No more just getting stuck in your head, running out of things to say.
Chapter 2: How can you avoid the friend zone?
I'll share that with you at the very end of today's pod. Here's my question for you. Do you struggle with what to say and how to flirt? Have you ever been stuck in the friend zone? I know I used to be. I have been there. I remember a date I had many years ago with a beautiful young woman named Brandy. And she wanted to like me, but I couldn't make her feel the feelings that I wanted her to feel.
And at one point, I finally went for a kiss on like date three. after the right moment had passed. We were standing on a romantic street in Brooklyn. And I wanted to kiss her, but I was afraid. And I went out. Five minutes later, I tried to make up for the mistake. I went for the kiss. And she said, sorry, I've lost interest. You had your chance back there.
She basically said, you're really bad at this. So back then, I had to learn how to do all these things myself. So I've been in your shoes. I know what it's like to struggle with flirting. So let me give you what I've developed as the secret. Not the secret, but a flirting formula. It's no secret. It's in my book. It's on the podcast.
But it's a flirting formula that I think is basically the closest thing there is to a magic bullet with attracting women. Because bottom line is, there's not magic bullets in this area. There's only magic bullets in werewolf movies.
We were attacked by a lycanthrope. A werewolf. I was murdered. An unnatural death. And now I walk the earth in limbo until the werewolf's curse is lifted. Shut up.
But in real life, there's not a magic bullet. However, what I'm about to share with you is the closest thing there is to a magic bullet. And here it is. The flirting formula that I give all my clients is called, drumroll please, man-to-woman communication. Man-to-woman communication. Think of it as a turbocharged form of flirting that makes it so much simpler to romantically connect with women.
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Chapter 3: What is the man-to-woman communication formula?
And you get to do it in that real authentic way. So how does man to woman communication work? What is it? How does it work? Well, here was my aha moment. Many years ago, around about the time Brandy was friend zoning me, I was really struggling with dating, struggling with flirting. Date after date ended with women saying, Connell, you're a nice guy. You're funny. You're sweet.
But I just don't feel a spark. And that was really frustrating to me. And then I had a first date with a woman named Amanda. And Amanda is really smart, witty, very successful, a chef. She was a very successful chef at a big restaurant in New York City. She looked a little bit like Jennifer Lawrence, just to paint a picture for you. And I decided on this date I wanted to try something different.
I wanted to just shake things up, and really I started working on this area of what I now call man-to-woman communication. So I said, I'm going to try some different things on this date. I'm going to be a lot more bold, a lot more authentic, and see if I can take some more chances. It's really about taking chances. So Amanda walks into this bar, little wine and cocktail bar.
Chapter 4: How to never run out of things to say on dates?
She sits down next to me. And first I tease her. I gently tease her for running late. I said, you owe me a drink for every minute you were late, so it looks like I'm getting trashed tonight. And she laughed. She liked that teasing joke. After a little bit, we played some games, did some little playful games. I did a staring contest with her. I thumb wrestled her a little bit.
So I brought some playfulness to it, which is something I hadn't been doing. And I remember the moment where I kind of knew I had her, had her into me. At one point, she looked down at my shirt. I had a new button down on. And she looked at my shirt, and I said, excuse me, my eyes are up here. Please stop objectifying me. I'm not a piece of meat.
So I was making myself the sexual object, jokingly, but playing that card. And she giggled. She called me a smartass, which is very authentic to me. Because I'm a natural born smartass. Now, that wasn't all I did, though. It wasn't all teasing. We got really real. We got really vulnerable. I confessed to her that I was nervous to meet her. I gave her some really nice, clear compliments.
I told her that she had a really sexy laugh. She liked that. And at one point, I took her hand and we were holding hands. So this date was already going better with Amanda than the last eight or nine had gone. And then she says to me, I think I need to change seats. And she crawls over me and sits on my lap. And all of a sudden, I'm kissing her. We're sitting in a bar. She's sitting on my lap.
And we're making out. And we haven't been there maybe an hour yet. And I could feel all the eyes of the bartender, the people in the room, this low lit, candle lit, dark room. Everybody was looking at me as if to say, hey, get a room. Although one guy was looking at me like, dude, how are you doing that? And that was a pretty amazing date. She also invited me out for a second date.
For our second date, she suggested a couple's massage. That's a pretty damn good second date. So I went from, how did I go from having all these women not into me to having a girl sit on my lap and basically chase me and say, I want to hook up with you at a spa. And I think I remember walking home that night and I thought to myself, oh, that's how you flirt with women.
That's how you make sparks fly. And I have not been in the friend zone since, not in any consistent way. Not every woman has wanted to date me, but I define the friend zone as she clearly likes you. You like her, but you don't know how to make the sparks happen. And I've never been in the friend zone again since then, not really. And so here's the takeaway here for you.
I want you to know that when sparks fly between two people, it might seem random. It might seem like something that, quote, just happens, like a lightning strike. But the truth is you can actually consistently learn to ignite that connection using what I call man-to-woman communication.
which is the fun, flirty frequency that amplifies natural chemistry that men and women have if they are, within reason, each other's type. And by the way, this secret weapon isn't just for first and second dates. It's a lens I want you to use to flirt with all women you're into. Online, approaching, texting, at a party, anywhere. You can be man to woman with women anywhere.
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Chapter 5: What is the 80-20 rule in flirting?
And most importantly, you're very authentic and playful. You're being light and playful and yourself. And then at one point you read the situation, you see her giving you those big eyes and you move in for that kiss and now you're making out. And then the next day you get your phone, you open your phone when you're going to message her and she's already texted you.
And she writes you, last night was amazing. When do I get to see you again? A little winky face. So the difference between those two scenarios, in the first, you played it safe and you treated her like a friend. In the second, you connected on a man-to-woman wavelength. You used your secret flirting weapon, man-to-woman communication.
And this is the aha moment I want you to have right now, which is that women don't put you in the friend zone. You do it to yourself. I did it to myself. How? By treating her like a buddy, not as potential lovers. Or by treating her in a safe, timid way, not as somebody who you have interest in.
Because all social interactions that you can possibly have in the world, all these social interactions fall into a particular social frame. Every interaction you have with others, not counting your family. So put family aside for a second. Apart from your family, there's only three frames of social interactions you can have as a man. The first frame is friend-to-friend.
The way you are with friends and acquaintances. And this is a purely platonic vibe with no romantic subtext. Friends and acquaintances, right? The second frame is professional slash business. That's you at work. How you relate to colleagues, your boss, employees, or maybe the way you talk to people at a restaurant. The server. The transactional conversation you have with that woman at Starbucks.
That's a professional business conversation. And then the third frame is what I call man-to-woman communication. And that's a romantic context in which your authentic masculine side and a woman's feminine essence clicks and ignites. So again, friend-to-friend, professional business, man-to-woman. So every encounter you have with a woman is going to fall into one of these three frames.
It's kind of like clicking a remote control to one of three TV channels. Business channel, a safe, friendly, boring TV show, and then Cinemax is the third channel. We want to switch to Cinemax. So your dating problems happen when you inadvertently click to the friend-to-friend or business-like channel with a woman you're into rather than flipping to man-to-woman, that Cinemax channel.
I'm dating myself. You're like, what the hell is Cinemax? How old are you, Connell? Look it up. Google it. So bottom line is a girl may find you very attractive. but that doesn't mean you're creating attraction. You can be attractive without creating attraction. That's basically what the friend zone means.
She might find you attractive, but if your vibe is really safe, timid, too friend of friend, then she's going to feel, meh, I'm not that into him. Hello friend zone.
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Chapter 6: What are the biggest flirting mistakes to avoid?
I prefer the concrete, the graspable, the provable. You'd make a splendid computer, Mr. Spock.
And the third pillar of man to woman communication is speaking your authentic thoughts, being your real self. Women like you for you. Share your true, honest self with her. What's more authentic than saying to a girl you're into, saying to your crush, hey, I like you. I want to take you on a date. That can be all you need with some women, just that kind of clarity.
And by the way, here's a quick tip. Here's a quick tip. The reason you so-called run out of things to say is that, with women I mean, is because you think you need great lines or great content to impress her and attract her. No, you don't. You need to share your authentic self in a clear way. So here's a little quick tip. Stop asking yourself, what's the right thing to say?
And start asking yourself, what's a true, genuine feeling I can share with her? Share feelings. That is the language women love to speak, the language of feelings and sharing, not amazing, perfect, witty lines, okay? So back to my date with Amanda, that story. Sparks flew that night with Amanda largely because I let my authentic, smart-ass side come out.
while also telling her that I thought she was cool and sexy. And I also played with her. We had fun. It was a very playful date. Cyndi Lauper was right. Girls just want to have fun, okay? That's a truism. So we had fun. I was being man to woman, and she felt, oh, finally a guy who's real and fun who makes me feel sexy. She crawled on my lap, and we started kissing.
And it's not because I said anything magical. It's because I delivered that man-to-woman communication that made her feel sexy and feminine and made me come off as masculine and strong, but also real. And that's why she was sitting on my lap in about an hour. Man-to-woman communications.
So now I want to help you turn that dial to the Man to Woman channel, which is kind of like going from PBS to Fifty Shades of Grey. So let's do it. So first you might be asking yourself, well, how much do I flirt on a date? How much? A lot? A little? I'm going to give you a rule. I call it the 80-20 rule. Follow the 80-20 rule.
This means that let's say you're on a first date or even just any first conversation with a woman. You're messaging on a dating app or you're texting a woman whose number you got or you just approached her and you're two or three minutes into an approach. But let's say generally we're talking about first dates here. 80% of your communication should be what I call baseline.
which is you being authentic and sincere. Just normal, just being genuine, sincere, and authentic. And 20% of your communication at most should be what I call game, or what would be called game. Emotional spikes, compliments, flirty comments, physical touch, suggestive eye contact, teasing, cracking jokes, being playful. 20% is plenty.
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Chapter 7: What are some effective flirting tips?
Well, I'm going to give you some tips right now. Record conversations you have with a friend. Get their permission, don't do it secretly. But record conversations and listen back to your voice and listen for too many flaws like up-talking, and too many ums and ahs. And I noticed myself umming and ahhing a little bit. That's okay to have a little bit of that.
But you want to listen for little tells, okay? that tell a woman that you don't have the confidence in yourself that women want you to have. So you want to monitor your vocal tonality. Listen for up-talking when a statement you make sounds like you're asking a question. That lowers your confidence or projection of confidence in front of a woman.
Another tip is whenever you're speaking to a woman, like on a date or an approach, imagine there's somebody standing directly behind her.
Almost like her twin is behind her and talk loudly enough so that the person behind her will hear you this will help you project your voice Since chances are that your voice shuts down at least a little bit when talking to a woman who you find attractive It's a very common unconscious reaction that happens when we feel insecure Okay, man-to-woman move number three
When you approach her, look her right in the eye. Just that good, simple, focused eye contact is so attractive. I once dated a marketing director, a woman named Nicole. And I approached her at Whole Foods in the frozen food section. I thought I had a really good opener. She's in the frozen food section. It was a couple days after New Year's. It was really cold in New York City.
She was wearing this really bold, bright, stylish winter coat with the fringe on top. And I looked at her and I said to myself, oh my God, she's like the cover of J.Crew winter catalog. So I walked up to her and I said, hey, excuse me, you look like the cover of the J.Crew catalog for winter. Her eyes lit up. She loved it. We talked. I got her number. Fast forward to our first date.
On our first date, I asked her, what is it you liked about me when we first talked? And I was sort of fishing for a compliment about my witty, cool, fun opening line. But she didn't mention it. I don't think she even remembered it. She said, oh, that's easy. You looked me right in the eye. She said, you looked me right in the eye, and you stood up nice and straight. So look a woman in the eye.
Stand as tall as you can. it makes an impact. That's man to woman move number three. Man to woman move number four is on a date or an approach that's at least a few minutes into it and she's liking it, look at her like she's dessert. Look at a woman like she's dessert. Let her know with your eyes and your facial expression that you find her attractive. Here's a quick story.
I was on a first date once in Santa Monica. I was having drinks on a patio bar with the woman I'd approached a couple nights earlier at a hotel bar. And the date was going well. We both felt that romantic tension rising. We were both attracted to each other. And it was going well. And at one point, my kind of wolfish eye contact was... getting to her, dialing up the sexual tension.
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Chapter 8: How to create attraction beyond being attractive?
She was taking her clothes off or beginning to in the hallway leading to my room. I cannot promise you that's going to happen to you. Your mileage may vary, but basically you want to look at a woman with a little bit of that romantic interest in mind because that's one of the ways we convey that man-to-woman message that lets a woman know, hey, I'm a man and you're making me feel some feels.
Man-to-woman move number five. Show her that her beauty is distracting you. Show her that she's having an effect on you. That's what I was trying to say. Sure, you could say to a woman, you look hot, but that's a little bit basic. That's what catcallers do. It's not what classy gentlemen do. A more classy way, charming way, to let a woman know she's hot is you show her, in a sense.
So for example, let's say her lips look just very kissable and distracting. Let's say she's talking on your date and you find yourself lost in her lips. You could say, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. Your lips were very distracting. Can you say that again? Or you look at her dress and you just say, hi, wow, you look wow. Let her feel the impact she's having on you.
Another move I've used, I got this from Craig Ferguson who definitely did this on his talk show. I was on a date once with a woman wearing a low-cut top She definitely was showing some cleavage, and she leaned over to grab the candle that was sitting there on the bar. And I said, I'm trying to be a gentleman, so please don't bend over like that. It's very distracting.
So I was letting her know, I'm trying to be good. I'm trying to be a good boy, but you're making it difficult. I think I told her, you're making it hard for me to clink fairly. So I let her know that her beauty was affecting me. There's something sexy and cool to women.
about it's almost like you're giving yourself over to her feminine ways it's almost like i can't help myself you're too hot you're too feminine you're too gorgeous please dial it down it's distracting and that's a way to show that interest but do it in a way that's not fawning it's flirting and not fawning Fawning would be, oh my God, you're gorgeous. You're amazing.
I can't believe you're with me. I can't believe I'm on a date with you. You're incredible. Don't do that. That's fawning. Flirting is, listen, you have to stop licking your lips like that because you're making it really difficult for me to focus on the conversation. Okay, Emily? Little smile. That. Women love that. Okay, let's take a really quick little break. You struggle with dating, right?
Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned real estate there. But I escaped.
Using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my bestselling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend.
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