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JaackMaate’s Happy Hour

669 - Michael Phelps Is A Chode (ft. Very Drunk Stevie)

22 Jun 2026

Transcription

Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.

Chapter 1: What is the concept behind the World Cup of Everything?

1.195 - 21.712 Jack Mate

Jack Makes Happy Hour. Hello, guys. Welcome back to Jack Makes Happy Hour podcast. Now, little disclaimer for you before we start. I'm here... Me with Robbie and Stevie.

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21.732 - 26.618 Robbie Knox

I thought we were going to try, maybe we'll guess Stevie. You're drinking the Super Hooch in the first few seconds.

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27.259 - 38.554 Jack Mate

So last week on the episode, on the things we've changed our minds on episode, you may remember Stevie was getting smashed on Super Hooch. Since then, on Thursday, we did a double main show week.

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Chapter 2: How do the hosts choose their categories for the competition?

38.594 - 42.559 Jack Mate

Last Thursday was 666, so we did something a little bit spooky for that.

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42.539 - 43.361 Stevie White

And I was fine.

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43.521 - 49.452 Jack Mate

Yeah, and he was fine because we haven't recorded that yet. We recorded last Monday's, literally 10 minutes ago.

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49.472 - 57.027 Robbie Knox

So we're following on from last Monday's. So in real time, this is only about five minutes since we finished recording the last episode because we've not had a break.

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57.087 - 60.193 Stevie White

Yeah, so I have...

61.169 - 66.218 Jack Mate

Here's my issue. Sorry, it does sound like you're a nutter in the corner of a... Yeah.

66.238 - 85.358 Stevie White

Here's my issue with you. We need to get them out. Here's my issue. I was like, I've only had two cans. It's not that much. But they're 8% and I'm sick. So I was like going, oh, maybe because I'm ill, they're hitting me harder. I've just done a quick Google. They're not sick. They're really hard to drink. Really sick as they're like... Really hard to drink. The cherry one was nice.

85.398 - 100.85 Stevie White

I should have got two of them. I'll get you one. But my issue is, I've just had a look on the side, 3.5 UK units. I was like, oh, I can't, I'm trying to compare it to a pint. On the NHS website, it says... What are you on the NHS website? I'm checking that I'm okay. Has it got anything about cysts on there? Sorry.

Chapter 3: What are the criteria for judging athletes in the knockout rounds?

100.87 - 111.727 Stevie White

It says you're dying. It says six to eight units is what they class as binge drinking. I've had seven already. Units. Yeah, because you're a ledge. We're doing it in units.

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112.048 - 113.39 Jack Mate

Eight units if you count yourself.

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113.47 - 123.105 Stevie White

It says you're going to slur your words after that. Yeah. And so when I finish this, I'm on 10.5. So for a podcast, that shit.

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125.609 - 131.149 Robbie Knox

You've got a blue tongue as well. You've gone down on a smurf. Papa Smurf.

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131.229 - 135.615

Okay, cool. Oh, you are a funny guy.

135.635 - 140.321 Stevie White

As one woman, I pick the man. The boss.

140.341 - 142.964

Boss Smurf. You can't go boss Smurf.

Chapter 4: How does alcohol consumption affect the discussion?

143.826 - 146.789

You're not going to. You can't go boss Smurf.

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148.672 - 149.933 Jack Mate

Robbie, this could be the best.

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150.995 - 153.358

Keep going, mate. Come on, just deliver it.

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153.378 - 154.379 Robbie Knox

Yeah, I got you another one.

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154.479 - 154.98

Yeah, you can use it.

157.289 - 165.621 Robbie Knox

Can I also say... Just sorry, for the audio listeners, it's going to be Stevie Thatcher's Cloudy Lemon Cider. Can we all spread our book brand deal options?

166.202 - 175.736 Stevie White

Yeah. I feel fucking awful. Like, outside of that. Feel my head. Am I warm? I don't want to touch your face. No, look, back your hand. Just back your hand. His heel don't touch you. I'm warm, aren't I?

175.816 - 177.178 Jack Mate

All you think about is touching a radio.

Chapter 5: What humorous anecdotes arise during the potato debate?

177.339 - 178.06 Jack Mate

I burnt my hand.

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178.16 - 179.702 Stevie White

I feel awful.

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179.682 - 185.451 Robbie Knox

You came in here feeling awful, you've just drunk three super. But luckily I've got super.

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186.693 - 191.601 Jack Mate

8%. And now Patrick's found 11. This might be the best thing I've ever experienced in my life.

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192.162 - 192.763 Robbie Knox

Oh, it's so good.

192.883 - 199.794 Jack Mate

I rate you so high. How's my cat getting on? I'll tell you. No one asked. I don't know about your cat.

199.814 - 202.498 Robbie Knox

I don't have a cat. Yeah, my cat's actually mine though, so it's different.

202.558 - 220.836 Jack Mate

Your cat's a what? are actually mine. Yeah, but this cat has now lived at mine for six months flat. It hasn't lived there. You can't move the cat in my house. Reference to last week's, if you don't know. Stephen, they got it, mate. So, she comes in all the time, mate. As a reference to his cat.

222.699 - 223.88 Stevie White

Oh, I've got sunglasses on my head.

Chapter 6: What are the standout moments in the potato cooking competition?

258.639 - 278.214 Robbie Knox

But they're also like... They're quite... will tolerate their food whims. They'll be like, oh, they don't really like this flavoured cat food. Well, they said they're just a bit fussy with that. I said, they're not really, because I've seen them eat a mouse's head off. Like a hole. So I think they're probably fine with having the cod one instead of the salmon one.

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278.234 - 296.196 Jack Mate

Yeah, that's exactly what I thought. I'm glad you brought that up. I buy these pouches for them. They don't like... And also, we buy these little pillows that are like Crave. You know Crave? The cereal, but it's for cats, right? Cat Crave. Yeah, and it's a catnip in there. But this cat doesn't like catnip. And I just think, fuck you, mate.

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296.236 - 303.85 Stevie White

I've seen you gnaw on rats. Are you going off cat? You're not speaking as positively about cat. No, you're very down on your cat lately.

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303.931 - 325.362 Jack Mate

I've gone off cat a bit because cat hates me. That's a good reason to go off cat. Did cat always hate you? No, so I thought that the cat accepted Fiona and me as ours, right? What does that mean? What are you saying? Have you had a sleepover? You might have given me your fucking illness. 3.5 units. I think that the cat picked me and Fi as new parents, right?

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325.703 - 339.221 Jack Mate

But it's not the case because I've been away a lot recently. And every time I'm away, she will sleep on the bed with Fiona. But she never sleeps on the bed when I'm there. And she's just a little bit of a prick to me, really. Like, she'll swipe me.

339.261 - 340.142

She doesn't like you.

340.162 - 352.178 Jack Mate

She doesn't like me. And I was never there for the first eight mice, just by chance, right? Now, Fiona's obviously, like, should go to, like, a run club on a Sunday or something.

Chapter 7: How do the hosts compare different smells in the final rounds?

352.238 - 374.119 Jack Mate

And I'm there, and the cat will come in. I'll be like, and I'll hear it. like wants my attention I'll go through you got a mouse well done I used to be well all over it well done like you've done your job well that's a problem yeah you're making it to bring more mice but now I just go well done mate just go back through you're still teaching it you're still being positive to it but do you think

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374.453 - 375.814 Robbie Knox

Yeah, he said, well done, mate.

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377.056 - 379.478 Stevie White

Yeah, but cat can't understand well done, mate.

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379.978 - 400.178 Jack Mate

You can get the vibe. But what she does now, she eats this mouse, always eats the head first. You hear the skull crunching. It's horrible, right? Save the little tail as like a little last bit of pasta. It's fucking grim, right? Anyway, she leaves the gallbladder. Your cats leave the gallbladder. How do you know it's a gallbladder? We Googled it. What's it look like?

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400.278 - 403.882 Jack Mate

So it's like a tiny, imagine like a tiny little kidney bean. But like a gallbladder.

403.902 - 406.847 Robbie Knox

Yeah, the cat's quite often... Sometimes we get the intestines out and just lay them out on the floor.

406.867 - 419.908 Jack Mate

Well, your cat's like, I'm not having a gallbladder. Yeah, around our house is like 20 different gallbladders. Why aren't you binning them? Well, I don't get them straight away. I'm on Fortnite.

420.028 - 433.593 Stevie White

It's saying this... The thing he's saying right now, by the way, happened a couple of days ago. We were playing Fortnite together, and mid-game, I just hear him going, what's the cat making all those noises? Why is the cat making all those noises? Look, panicking.

433.613 - 434.094 Jack Mate

Yeah, I was shitting it.

Chapter 8: What conclusions do the hosts reach about the best smells and foods?

491.694 - 492.315 Stevie White

No, we don't.

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492.836 - 496.56 Robbie Knox

If we did wear a chicken heart, we wouldn't lay them out on a row on the floor. No.

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496.58 - 498.243 Jack Mate

I think all cats are a little bit dumber.

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498.863 - 517.408 Robbie Knox

Yeah. Yeah, this morning in the living room in Arlo, I just suddenly went, dead mouse, dead mouse alert, dead mouse alert. I pointed to a dead mouse. Oh, yeah, okay, didn't see that one. But both had early symptoms. Isn't it like mouse intestines to you? I don't know what it is on the floor. I'm not saying a dead mouse. It probably isn't, but it turns out, yeah, they'd got that.

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517.488 - 519.412 Robbie Knox

So they'd eaten the whole mouse and just left that.

519.432 - 521.998 Jack Mate

Yeah. Do you have one of your... Because you've got two cats, haven't you?

522.019 - 528.213 Robbie Knox

Yeah, I don't know which one does it most. I'm not really sure. You can't see fluff with one in its mouth, but I think it does it as well.

528.875 - 542.383 Jack Mate

My biggest fear is that Titch will come in with a mouse, decide she don't want that one, and leave it somewhere to rot, and it'll stink a mouse. Do they bring in living mice? Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes she'll bring it, it'll be flopping about in her mouth.

542.523 - 543.985 Robbie Knox

Yeah, we'll try and rescue the mouse.

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