Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Fred May, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best night of their fucking lives, huh? Yee! Make some noise for Brian Ripley, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, lordy. Yeah! Oh, my God.
How about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, the Kill Tony Band. Wevo Francheros Tres Leches. On the horns, the great and powerful Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and Raul Vallejo. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The great Matt Muehling on the electric. John Dees on the keys. And believe it or not, that is D-Madness, the real D-Madness, live in the flesh.
What an episode we have. We have new microphones thanks to Sweetwater Audio, the great Ted Schafer, giving us new wirings and stuff. And we have a hell of an episode ready for you. You guys excited to be here? Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible tonight. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Let's do it.
You know, sometimes it's booked this way. Sometimes it's booked that way. What I love about tonight is it's two guests. One of them is, I mean, well, both of them are two of the best stand-up comedians in the world. And we haven't had them on in a very long time. It's somebody's first time, and it's been, I think, eight or nine years since our other homie was on it.
Both of them have two of the newest specials out on Netflix, Amazon, Apple, YouTube, absolutely everywhere. Make some noise for two of the best in the world. It's Derek Stroop and Francisco Ramos. Hey! Derek has one of the biggest specials on Netflix, Nostalgic, out now. How about a hand for Derek Stroop making his Kill Tony debut? We're going to have some fun tonight.
And the great Francisco Ramos, who I started with 19 plus years ago at the Comedy Store as Door Guys, is here. He's back on Kill Tony for the first time in, I think, eight years or so. Welcome, Francisco. We're doing it. We're really doing it, Francisco. That's my Tony. Doing it. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight.
Derek, it's your first time, so maybe you don't know, but over 250 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to be on this show tonight. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
which just interrupts them, and then I conduct an interview with them. We all find out more about them live on the spot. They have no idea they're going onstage until right before they get up here. I'm gonna let this innocent little Make-A-Wish gay soccer player pull the first name. You guys are bumping each other like you knew I was going to say that, huh? Would you call him a gay soccer?
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Chapter 2: What new guests are introduced in this episode?
Oh, I got elbowed in the face playing basketball 12 years ago. Oh, my God. That's what you talk like with a tooth missing? He sounds like a totally different... Only version of Lynn Sanity here. You haven't learned how to talk since it got knocked out? Do you always have that thing in? It's been since January. So what's going on? Why don't you go to a dentist?
It got infected, so they took it out and they're going to put an implant in, but the bone has to grow. So it didn't take, because I vaped too much. You vaped too much? Yeah.
Oh my God. And so the bone didn't set, so they had to do it again. So I was supposed to get it done in April, but now it's June.
Wow. And it's because it's infected? It got infected. Now it's not infected. Whoa.
That makes it better.
Is this what you tell girls? Yeah, I'm not affected. When you're like, let me eat your pussy. Fucking click right in between these two teeth.
Do you take it off before you eat the pussy or like you keep it?
I think I would keep it in. Just in case they pop back up, you don't want to be like, oh, I lost it in there.
Yeah, exactly. Just in case. No doubt about it. That was some good pussy. So 20 years ago when it happened, you had an implant put in. Yeah. What is it called? The crown. Right. The root died. Yes, that is what it's called. And so then how did the crown fall out? Oh, it got infected. Oh, just a lot of mouth infections. Incredible. Your DMs are going to be lit after this.
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Chapter 3: How does the show format work for audience participants?
I want you guys to realize, I want you guys all to turn to each other, no matter who you're with, your mom, your dad, your sister, your brother, and look at each other, right? I need crowd participation. Just look at each other. Have you ever looked at each other? All right, so if you have looked at each other deeply in the eyes, which you guys are not, like, don't look at me! Look at each other.
I'm not fucking around. I need your help. All right, fine, whatever. But if you did look at each other, the thought would be in my head, man, I have no idea how many people you have fucked. At all. Think about it. You go to bed every single night with somebody, if you're not me, and you go, fuck, man, I banged this guy, chick, dad, mom, whatever, every night. And I still... Fucking pussy sucks.
Thank you. All right. Dan Siegel. Yes, sir. Okay. You did basically nothing. You complimented the band. Hey! Very good. Well... Exciting to have... That's what my dad said, too, so you're not wrong. All right, good. How you doing? It's good to have an alcoholic Little League umpire here tonight. This is fantastic. You look fantastic, Dan. You look great.
You been rolling around in lava or something? What's happening here? You know, for some reason, I'm from New Hampshire, so people are like, dude, you look really fucking tan. I'm like, son. Okay. Very good.
Let's check. I know a man that just got off a roof when I see one. Yeah, exactly.
No, you don't. Yeah, yeah. Well, that son's not on accident. You've been somewhere hammering. I can tell you that. You have homeless energies without a doubt, Dan. What the fuck? He has homeless shoes. I get this shit all the time. I'm a skateboarder. Sorry. That's what I do. We got to talk about the homeless shoes.
Oh, I can't see the shoes. What do we got here?
Here we go. You got to check out the Gospel 2000s right there. Can I... Incredible, Dan.
Let's talk about your life.
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Chapter 4: What challenges does the guest face in their personal life?
Wow. Incredible. Does she make you, like, do chores and stuff? Yeah, oh, yeah, I plant a lot of plants, mow the lawn. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, she's a homeowner, so I, like, take care of the house. Yeah. It's your girlfriend, your mom?
What the fuck? She's gonna hate that tune. What is it like when she chokes you during sex? Is it crazy? Are you like... Harder! Slap me. Amazing. But she's a good therapist? She's amazing, yeah. For those of you that need therapy, just a reminder, Talkspace is out there. Use promo code SPACE80 at Talkspace.com. I love it. Yeah, we do love it. Jake, very, very funny stuff. Congratulations.
Great stuff. Keep it going. Four years in the game. That's Jake Palfrey. stuff jake starting something new is terrifying i remember thinking what if this fails what if i put all this work in for nothing but taking that leap ended up in being one of the best decisions i ever made it also helps when you have a partner like shopify on your side
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It's time to turn those what-ifs into... With Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. Go to Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. That's Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. And on to the next one we go. Your bucket pool now goes by the name of Daniel Velasquez. Here we go. Daniel Velasquez. Oh, we know Daniel Velasquez.
I was going through a breakup a few months ago, and a buddy of mine could see that I was struggling. And he was like, hey, man, what you need is a massage at one of those handjob massage parlors. He was like, listen, man, I know you can't drive. I found one down the street from your house. You could just walk there.
Which, like, first off, weird way to find out I live in a bad neighborhood, you know?
Yeah.
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Chapter 5: What makes Francisco Ramos a rising star in comedy?
That is another brand new great minute from you. You're fantastic. Everybody loves you. You're on the rise. One of the top young rising comedians in the world. The great and powerful Aya, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. We're going to keep it moving. We have another lady. We got three guys and three ladies so far here tonight. Make some noise for Holly, everybody. Here comes Holly.
What's up, guys? So I am a Jew. You're welcome, or I'm sorry, depending on who you are at this point. As a Jew, I do want to say I do believe in free Palestine, but only because I love when things are free. I just got married recently. Thank you. Yeah, it's really sweet. When I met him, he was homeless. Yeah, it was really sweet.
One minute he was living in a box, and next minute he was munching mine, so... He had a sign that said, need money for food, and I let him eat my ass, so... He actually makes me so wet, we started calling my pussy the soup kitchen. What's wrong? You guys don't like soup? No, the only downside to being married is I can't do my favorite threat anymore.
When I was single, I loved to threaten to fuck people's dads. Because when you threaten to fuck someone's mom, they take it as a joke. But when you threaten to fuck someone's dad, they're like, please don't. He'll really do it. Thank you, guys. That's my time.
Hell, yeah. Welcome, Holly. Is this your first time on the show?
This is my second time.
Okay. A little different. You a little gothier than last time?
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Chapter 6: What humorous experiences does Holly share about her marriage?
I was pretty gothy last time. I was the toad girl with taxidermy and whatnot.
Oh, okay. All right. Well, welcome back.
Thank you.
Heck, yeah. I remember you. What happened? Why are you on crutches?
I burnt dinner and I was talking back to the husband. I'm just kidding. No, I was delivering DoorDash and I just took a bad fall down the stairs and I fractured two of my bones and my foot. Damn.
Does DoorDash help you when that happens on the clock? No. Not at all.
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Chapter 7: How does Holly's injury impact her comedy?
Do you remember what the delivery was? Was it
It was Taco Bell.
Damn. See, isn't that just depressing? Go ahead, Derek. We've had quite a few people come out with some stuff going on. Welcome to Kill Tony, Derek. I mean, it's pretty wild. I can't wait for a guy with a peg leg to show up.
They got one back there. I believe it.
Be careful what you wish for. There was a time where Shane famously, as Trump said, why don't you bring out another fuck?
a person Tony and I go it may happen right now and a guy with little hands came out like that like hey everybody it's one of the things I've watched the clip like 500 times sometimes I watch it to pick up my mood a little bit it's the greatest thing ever it's just a moment in time oh
comedians are like that by the way it's not like a kill tony thing we forget but like at the open mics and shit everybody's hobbling and wobbling fucking missing an eye this that everything yeah she clearly accidentally hit a headstone yeah exactly he's just playing in the cemetery yeah it is you are a goth jew the very rare gothic jew what do you think is the most jewish thing about you holly
When the blood and everything inside of you just... I mean, I do really like free stuff. You do?
And I love money. I used to be a stripper. Last time I came here, I got a job at the strip club.
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Chapter 8: What unique insights does Jimmy Fontaine share about his life?
Hey, some people grow out of it. That makes sense. Gothic Jew strippers are a rare bird, I will tell you that.
Actually, since I was last on the show, a bunch of people wanted to send me taxidermy in exchange for OnlyFans pictures and stuff. Oh.
So give us an example of what you've traded for your OnlyFans.
I didn't. I didn't. But somebody wanted to send me a taxidermied iguana for feet pics.
Red band? Red band. I remember when you bought that iguana. You were so excited about it. Daddy needs feet pics of a Jew. So are you an OnlyFans? Jewish feet pics. No doubt about it. Are you an OnlyFans right now?
No, no. No, I'm not. People really wanted me to, though. So how are you making money now? Well, it was DoorDash for a little bit. I'm probably going to go into school for behavioral therapy, though.
Oh, wow. You're really switching it up. Yeah, you are.
I thought you were going to say regional manager for Hot Topic. I wish.
Wow. Well, Holly, fun times... You did it again. What size joke book did you get last time? A big one?
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