Modern Wisdom
#1072 - Dr Debra Soh - Why Nobody is Having Sex Anymore (& why it matters)
16 Mar 2026
Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: Is the decline in sexual activity a significant issue?
Is people having less sex a big deal? It is a big deal. Well, ask anyone who's not having sex if it's a big deal. I think they'll tell you, yeah, it is a problem. Especially considering that it is young men who are typically in their prime and at the peak of their sexual drive. So not only is it, I think, quite frustrating for them, but also...
when you're in a situation like that where you're struggling, and it's not just about the sex, it's also about the connection and the emotional intimacy and the larger feeling of connectedness and community. So, sex extinction is very much about the sex recession and the fact that young people, millennials and Gen Z in particular, are having less sex than previous generations.
And I was skeptical at first. I thought that this talk about the sex recession and sexlessness was overblown. But after I sat down and got a chance to go through the data myself, look at the media reportage, talk to people. And we see consistently with multiple data sets that one in three men and one in five women have not had sex in the past 12 months, which is a large number of people.
And so I was interested with this book, what is taking the place of sex? And what does that say about where we're headed in the future? How different is modern sexual activity to what we understand about the past? Well, in terms of, say, the outlets that we have available.
So one question has been, is sex really on the decline or is it that other outlets are taking the place like porn, Muslim masturbation? things like OnlyFans or now AI Companion. So each of these subjects have a different chapter in the book to themselves and in myself explaining, trying to understand what the trend is about. Is it convincing?
I test them out myself, which was a lot of fun in many cases. Going through the scientific research in terms of what we do know about these technologies and then also talking about the evolutionary biology and psychology that is underpinning them. So what makes these technologies alluring to human beings and why is it that it's potentially dangerous or distracting us from real life sex?
How different is the amount of sex, person-on-person sex, that modern people are having compared with what we understand about the past? Well, everyone across the board is having less sex. So regardless of whether you are married or in a relationship or single, it's in Eastern countries, Western countries, basically all developed countries and all age cohorts.
But as I mentioned, more specifically among young people. But your question earlier about, you know, is it taking the place of potentially masturbation or other outlets or other sexual outlets?
And if you look at studies that are asking about adolescent sexuality, so this is a understandably uncomfortable subject, right, to think about adolescent sexual awakening, but they had parental consent, so it's a legitimate study. And
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Chapter 2: What factors contribute to the modern sex recession?
What they found is even among adolescents, they are having lower rates of masturbation. And across the board with everyone, less partnered sex, less intercourse, less anal sex, less all types of sex, oral sex, partner masturbation, I said, solo masturbation as well. So across the board, there's been this decline. So it's not that people are...
just preferring masturbation although I do think that is something that is happening especially when we look at pornography and AI girlfriends and boyfriends and that type of thing but it seems like there's something else there's a larger phenomenon and I also speak to the role of endocrine disruptors in one chapter because I think there's something else biologically happening
So it's not just that the pie of sexual activity has been redistributed from person on person to solo person or person with machine or person with doll or whatever. It's that the overall size of the pie has gotten smaller too. There is less sexual activity happening as an aggregate. Yeah. Yeah. That seems to be the case.
And what I find interesting, as you mentioned, with like dolls and robots, with the technology improving over time, I didn't think this was going to be the case. I always thought people would prefer in-person real-life sex, but I'm beginning to think people are actually preferring these solo methods.
And it's potentially dangerous if it comes to the point where we have these surrogates like robots where you can implant an AI and they are no different from real-life person. I really think people are eventually going to, some people will be turning that way, but it's going to be much more popular than I had anticipated. When did the sex recession start, in your opinion?
It's been documented for probably the last 30 years or so. Like the 90s was when it really started to taper a little bit, but it's been the most, I'd say, prominent in the last 20 years. COVID definitely played a role in making things worse, but it was happening before that. So the internet I think is a big part of what's happening. Smartphones as well, social media.
So sadly, social media is supposed to make us more connected. And it's, if anything, seems to have made us more divided, even outside of the realm of sexuality. I think in terms of politically, in terms of men and women, in terms of even subcultures on the internet, just everyone seems to be fighting with each other and hating each other. So I think that's feeding into it as well.
There's this larger, like, political... hatred that's happening between men and women that's also fomenting this decline in sex. Because if you hate the opposite sex, it's going to be very difficult to want to have a relationship with them or to date them. I had some stats I wanted to read out to you. One in eight 26-year-olds are a virgin.
24% had no sex in the past year, about double the rate of 2010. Among men from 18 to 24, around one in three report no sexual activity in the past year.
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Chapter 3: How has technology influenced sexual behavior?
26% of US adults reported no sex in 2021. 37% of adults having weekly sex is down from 55% in 1990. 37% weekly, down from 55%. 37% of Gen Z had no sex in the last month. versus 19% of millennials. So even when we're talking millennials haven't got it, you know, there's a big jump again. 48% of married couples had no sex in the past month.
And the dead bedroom subreddit is just cranking at the moment. But this is my favorite one. It's my favorite one by far. Survey of Gen Z found 67% would prioritize a good night's sleep over sex. Yeah. I'm not surprised. Not surprised. You like a good night's sleep? Well, that too.
But the fact that, yeah, this is such a common trend and it started, I mean, 2016 was when the first really big study came out showing this. And at the time I thought this is probably a fluke. It's probably one time thing, but more and more just consistently, right? It's like so many, so many data sources are showing the same thing. It's very concerning.
I do think mental health is another big part of it, right? When people are I think people are very exhausted, right? Day to day life. But it's also lacking prioritization of sex. These other replacements for sex are taking the place because they're easier. And then globally, 5% of people are depressed right now.
So if you're depressed or you're anxious, like Gen Z is half of Gen Z has a diagnosed mental disorder and of them, 90% have anxiety. There's a lot of anxious people. Gen Zers.
And so if you're anxious and depressed, your last thing you're going to want to do is go out and meet people, sit down, have a date, potentially face rejection, have to be entertaining, you know, loss of motivation, feeling very self-conscious, all of this stuff.
So like it's multifaceted in terms of, I think, all of the factors that are leading people to decide instead, you know, I'd rather just stay at home and swipe on apps, even if I'm not meeting anybody or sleep. Yeah. Sleep or sleep. Yeah. What's happening with hypergamy? Hypergony has taken on a life of its own, I think, in internet culture.
So it's this, from a research perspective or scientific perspective, it's the idea that women tend to want to date or marry men who are at the same level of success or who are more successful than they are. So women typically marry up. And so, yes, this is true. I think in some ways it's gone a little bit off the rails because, you know, I write in Sex Extinction about three sixes rule.
So the idea that women look for men who are six feet or taller and who make six figures or more, and who have a six-inch penis. Can I say penis on your podcast? You can say penis if you'd like. Every other media outlet, I've been like, is it okay if I say this? You can bleep it out. Or manhood.
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Chapter 4: What role does mental health play in sexual activity?
This is great. Let me jump on you. But then in other versions, they've been optimizing for something that a more sort of native physiology or hormonal profile of theirs would not have been too keen on. And then when they reveal that mask, they go, oh... and really like you all that much. Yeah, which is unfortunate for both of them and it's unfortunate for him.
I can only imagine as a guy, you know, if your relationship... We were in love. Let's go back on the pill. Go back on the pill. Bring her back. What was I going to say? I wonder if because young women are getting on the pill at such a young age, Is this partially also why feminism has been so popular and why women really want to feminize men and they see masculinity as toxic?
Because if you, while on a pill, your body thinks you're pregnant and you're looking for a nurturing caretaker, is that why there's been this larger movement socially to encourage men to be much more feminine, not to be risk-taking, not to be dominant? To a degree. To a degree, I think I could imagine so.
I would also imagine that Me Too and a lot of the moral panic around the danger of men generally causes women to want a softer kind of man. Now, they only want a softer kind of man kind of in...
principle not in practice right you know in the 20 the mid-20 teens they tried to put what are called cinnamon roll boyfriends or golden retriever husbands on the front cover of romance books I say this is somebody that was in that industry for a little while cinnamon roll
cinnamon roll husband cinnamon roll husband is sort of soft fluffy very non-dominant very pliable um you know he's the kind of he's got a bit of a gut but he's the sort of guy who uh would be able to put up level shelves but wouldn't exactly ravage you in the back seat of a car okay right very reliable consistent husband and uh on with these romance books the person on the cover is the protagonist typically
These books were post Fifty Shades of Grey. So it should have just ripped, right? You're buying Bitcoin at 5 cent. The market's only going up. Nobody wanted to buy them. Nobody wanted to buy these. Now, it is kind of like female porn. So do you really want to watch? Do you want your sexual fantasy to be about some guy that can put up level shelves but isn't that good in the bedroom?
No matter how much you try and sort of repurpose it. But the point is, Women like the idea of this kind of. They'll proclaim it, right? It's a view that they'll endorse, that men should dial back their dominance and their desire for conquer and aggression and mastery and stuff like that. But it's not one that they will endorse it but not embody it. And...
When push comes to shove and you go, oh, yeah, yeah, he should be more soft and more gentle and less concerned with achieving things and stuff. What does your husband do? Oh, he's a hedge fund manager. Oh, fantastic. Very good. I used to do MMA as a young guy. Lovely. I do think on the birth control thing, you're right. What is it doing to men?
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Chapter 5: What are the implications of women feeling less attractive due to social media?
But if you as a woman are intentionally putting yourself in those situations when... You don't need to. There are plenty of guys out there who are, I mean, vanilla is seen as a negative thing. I don't think being vanilla is a bad thing.
So there are plenty of vanilla guys out there who are not going to want to strangle you during sex and not going to want to like, you know, degrade you during sex. So if you're intentionally putting yourself through that, even if it is a way to show how strong you are, why would you choose to do that? When you don't need to. When you don't need to. Romantasy. I was sat on the plane. Flying to St.
Louis a couple of weeks ago, and there was a lovely woman sat next to me, and she had her iPad up, and she was reading Court of Thorns and Roses. Now, what is that? That is one of the most popular romanticist books at the moment. You're familiar with romanticist. It's basically like erotica. It is erotica. That's probably... That's a word that you would use. Okay.
I respect the art form and also the fact that the fan base is fucking massive and I don't want to get lynched by them.
Chapter 6: How do societal pressures influence the rise of plastic surgery?
No, no, no. It is story... It's female literacy porn wrapped in quite a lot of story. But there are sort of peak dirty moments. Anyway...
our friend is tapping away and she didn't have her glasses on the font size was quite okay quite large and I I had a realization that chicks can basically watch porn on a plane I guess so they can basically watch their equivalent of porn on a plane and I'm looking at this I'm trying not to move my head at all I'm keeping my head dead straight I'm going And I spoke to some friends after it.
I've not read the book. I didn't read enough to fully capture what the narrative arc was. But in might be A Court of Thorns and Roses or one of the other books like that, the protagonist is a fairy prince or a fairy king who has the ability to transform himself into this like monstrous beast. And I think that in that sort of shows what it is, one of the sort of archetypal desires that women have.
He is dangerous, but not around me. And I think I was talking on the way in about that study with a couple of friends. I have a group of evolutionary psychology researchers in a WhatsApp chat. And whenever I get confused by stuff, I put it in and they give me the answer. And Andrew Thomas from Union Nottingham gave me a fucking fantastic answer for this one.
What he said was the aggression is arousing, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I'd love to get your thoughts on this. He said, um, what women think is I want a man who has the capability to be aggressive. Because protection, attraction, dominance, all that stuff. High testosterone. But he'll never be aggressive with me.
And it's a pattern, a misfiring of the sort of pattern detection, which is, well, most guys that have the capacity to be aggressive... don't have the regulation to be able to turn it off and create bright lines and contain it in that way.
If you have a guy who is just a, you know, someone bumps into you on the street or you get scared and he beats up all of the guys that are there, how many of them have gone through the full fucking samurai Keanu Reeves training and come out the other side as, you know, that's not most guys. Most guys that are great and dangerous physically,
just dangerous physically everywhere not in yes it's not compartmentalized yeah yeah I definitely agree so that's the allure of I suppose the romance novel where you could have the duality there fairy king who can become the beast but he's never going to be the beast with you yeah interesting so we have basically the most sexually permissive culture in history that is also having the least amount of sex yeah which is wild
It's crazy when you think about, like I was thinking about social media and even something as subtle as that, like everyone's on social media, but I do think it, even that is changing the way that people view potential partners, how they view their own partners. How so?
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Chapter 7: What are the consequences of sexlessness in relationships?
The guy went out on one and she was really lovely and great. And then I don't think they'd slept with each other that night. And he came back and looked at her Instagram and got turned off because she wasn't able to present herself in the marketplace. That's a good thing, you know? I said that. That's what I said. That's what I said. I was like, dude, you found a barn find.
That's a diamond in the rough. You found somebody that's really fantastic. She shows up wonderful in person that the marketplace where most other people are going to be competing for with you for her. She's just not presented. I didn't know what it was. I didn't do my research. Uh, So what is it he didn't like about the fact that, so he can't send people to her profile to look at her?
No, you just, I think that there was a, it wasn't even as deep as that. Sorry, it was significantly more deep than that. Not that he couldn't show off this girl that could potentially become his girlfriend or whatever to other people on Instagram. I think it.
Chapter 8: Can anything be done to address the modern sex recession?
what I believed it to be was he was so conditioned to judging a woman's attractiveness through her social media profile. And especially given that it's the most extreme version of you and for men to write the most extreme wealth or whatever, um, that he, he got the ache by her having a bad Instagram account, Instagram. Um, I don't know.
The club promotion industry is a weird and wonderful place, but I'll never forget it. Two nights in a row, one guy saying, I wish I could have strapped her Instagram to her forehead. And the next night, the guy going, she was amazing. But I went and looked at her social media profile after we'd been on the date. And it was a turnoff, dude. I got the ick because her Instagram wasn't hot.
So he wants a hot Instagram lady who's just as hot in real life. Yes, I think so. Look, these guys were 19. They had no prefrontal cortex. I don't even think that that's that uncommon, though. I think it's that social media has done something like that more subtly, though, to the general population. You think?
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slash modern wisdom that's functionhealth.com slash modern wisdom why so guys are less likely to want to have sex after they looked at influencers and girls are less likely to feel attractive yeah they feel less attractive okay so it's a comparison game yeah right Why? What do you think's going on? What's the mechanism?
Well, I wrote a chapter about plastic surgery, and when you look at this trend of, especially really young, in some cases girls, getting procedures done, I do think social media has done something to make them feel that they need to do this to compete. And to get a partner or to at least be found attractive.
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