Nick Pollard, “The People Displeaser,” is a coach and a speaker. Why do we feel so compelled to put others ahead of ourselves? Surely at the very minimum we should be able to prioritise ourselves. Yet it's hard. So, how can you break free from people pleasing tendencies and actually start advocating for your own needs with confidence? Expect to learn why people pleasing is such a trap, how someone can distinguish between being considerate and sacrificing their own identity to please others, how to rehabilitate yourself from being a people pleaser, why it’s so hard to advocate to your own needs, how to know when you should give up on someone and much more... Sponsors: See discounts for all the products I use and recommend: https://chriswillx.com/deals Get up to $50 off the RP Hypertrophy App at https://rpstrength.com/modernwisdom (use code MODERNWISDOM) Get the best bloodwork analysis in America and bypass Function’s 400,000-person waitlist at https://functionhealth.com/modernwisdom Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period from Shopify at https://shopify.com/modernwisdom Extra Stuff: Get my free reading list of 100 books to read before you die: https://chriswillx.com/books Try my productivity energy drink Neutonic: https://neutonic.com/modernwisdom Episodes You Might Enjoy: #577 - David Goggins - This Is How To Master Your Life: https://tinyurl.com/43hv6y59 #712 - Dr Jordan Peterson - How To Destroy Your Negative Beliefs: https://tinyurl.com/2rtz7avf #700 - Dr Andrew Huberman - The Secret Tools To Hack Your Brain: https://tinyurl.com/3ccn5vkp - Get In Touch: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/modernwisdompodcast Email: https://chriswillx.com/contact - Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: Why is people-pleasing such a trap?
Why is people-pleasing such a trap for so many of us? There's a long answer and a short answer. I think the short answer to that is that we have created an environment through social media really predominantly that everybody's now seeking to measure up to somebody else rather than focused on this internal locus of control where you can... you can really be vibrant on your own.
But the way that we function now as a society is, has changed that. And everybody's comparing themselves to people that, you know, are insurmountable. And I find myself doing this too.
So, you know, I worship at the altars of, you know, Alex Hermosi and, you know, James Smith and all these guys that I see have, you know, millions of followers and make millions of dollars and they're exciting and they're fun. And I'm like, how do I get to that? Right. Rather than recognizing in myself, like I can, Just be happy with where I am.
I have a really great friend who said this to me that really resonated with people-pleasing, which you don't have to hate where you are to want to be better. And when I heard that, I was like, that makes so much sense. And I think we've kind of taught people that you have to like almost hate the way that you show up in the world in order to want to better that.
And I just and I think that causes this idea of how do I measure up and then how do I make everyone else around me happy? Because that's that's really what the world is kind of built on these days.
Draw the line for me between that sense that we measure up, but people-pleasing isn't about us. It's about optic management. It's about how other people see us. It's about prioritizing their needs over ours. Why is that important? What's that got to do with it?
So I think it's, for me, when it was more of a problem, and I would say that I'm a recovering people pleaser. It's funny, it's one of those things that I don't think ever really goes away. I think you just kind of battle it. But mostly it's an overwhelming sense that you're not enough. And when you're functioning from that place... There's no way you can ever really measure up.
And there's ways that you can tune that to make it better, right? So if you have something like that, so if you have that kind of inferiority complex plus a superior complex plus impulse control is a great example, you can do great things.
But if you just have this idea that I'm not enough and that's sort of the main track in the background, then you're always trying to measure up to something that doesn't actually exist. And so often this comes from, you know, it's kind of a pivot point where you have like one parent that was super involved in your life and then one parent that wasn't. Maybe they were abusive.
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Chapter 2: What behaviors suggest you might be a people pleaser?
that your emotional state is my responsibility and you know I mean this only came out kind of during therapy where my therapist sort of mentioned to me you do seem to sort of put other people's needs before yours a lot and you're kind of prepared to suffer unnecessarily even though
you could probably stop this, but the stopping it would cause a little bit of discomfort, but you're prepared to avoid a little bit of discomfort and just spread a metric fuck ton across, you know, days and months and years. And, um, yeah, that's my, that's my self diagnosis, I suppose.
Okay. So maybe I was wrong. Perhaps. Yeah, I mean, perhaps I was. That's a whole thing. So you spoke two things that are really interesting is the value of your no. I want to just touch on that. Something I've said a lot of is that most people who have this kind of tendency aren't afraid to say no, they're afraid to not say yes.
And so, because that yes is what gives them that dopamine rush, that, that feeling of like, I did it. Like everybody loves me. Everybody wants me. And then, so it's that not saying yes. Like you could, you could just say the word Lima beans and it's going to make you feel like shit. Um, so it's, it's not even the no.
And one of the ways I show people how to do that is, um, we'll give you a little secret from one of my boundary bootcamps, but, um, spend seven days saying no to everything, everything.
just do you want to go out to lunch no do you want to hang out on saturday no do you want to help me with my work project no right the answer is just no um and there's rules to the game the rules are you know you have to do it for seven days you can tell everybody you're playing so you literally you can illuminate it to everyone doesn't have to be a secret um and then you can change your mind after 90 seconds oh but you have to sit with the discomfort of the no for a minute and a half
Well, yeah, and it also does two things. So it changes the value system in your brain, at least it did for me, where I was like, okay, well, no doesn't really actually hurt that much. So I stopped being afraid of the word no. But it also gave me the idea that I could, well, then I can think about what I'm trying to do. Like, do I want to actually do that?
Because when you're a people-pleasing kind of person, and I do want to draw the line at some point that being agreeable and being a people-pleaser are not the same. Um, you know, I generally don't care about much stuff. So there's that. But when you start saying no, you go, okay, well now my calendar is free and I can actually do stuff that I want to do.
And I can say, you know, I really don't want to go to that party. And then you don't change your mind. Right. But you change your default answer from a yes to a no. And then that default becomes something that you can do, which is why the fourth rule is you can only play the game for seven days. Because if I learned anything from James Clear, it's not about how long you practice something.
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Chapter 3: How can you advocate for your own needs?
And it comes from... So often, anyway, I think it shows up in a ton of these guys and girls is like giving to themselves feels inappropriate. It feels so they're kind of racked with shame. It's in the same way that so people pleasing very often can mirror addiction in terms of, you know, I would say it's North Star, which is shame.
So when you're trying to make everyone around you happy, you're basically kind of always in this modality of trying to appease this inner voice that says, I'm not good enough. I'm not enough, which is toxic change. Like I'm bad. I'm no good. Right. Rather than I did bad, you are bad. And. When you're always trying to prove yourself as better, that means deep at your core, what do you believe?
It means that I'm not enough, right?
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in the description below or heading to rpstrength.com slash modern wisdom using the code modern wisdom at checkout that's rpstrength.com slash modern wisdom and modern wisdom at checkout well ask any addict why that they're you know nobody wakes up in the morning goes fucking great i'm gonna do some heroin today like nobody's excited about that why do they do it it's to bury this feeling of toxicity in themselves and then it just kind of spirals out of control so
when you're talking about somebody that is, that experiences almost a total inability to give to themselves before they give to everyone else. Um, yeah, it's really hard to find joy. You know, for me, God, I, I would have a story. It was, I was, I was in roofing sales. This is years ago.
And, um, I've heard a lot of your stuff, by the way, on everybody should have a door knocking job or a club promoter job. I fully agree with that sentiment, um, because I'm not afraid of rejection in any way, shape or form. But, um, that's probably a lie. Anyway, going back to, to the ideas, you know, here I was, I was, I had, I had just gotten out of rehabilitation.
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Chapter 4: What are the real costs of being a people pleaser?
Um, and when I hear that, um,
I hear that part of me that was a little kid that just wanted to be loved and accepted and I just wanted to make friends. I struggled with that mightily most of my life. So I think the advocacy of self presents a really big challenge because it's probably the scariest thing you can do is to say, I need something.
And when you're a kid and you don't get it, and then you learn to ask, is dangerous, or could get me abandoned, or to stand up for myself means the bully gets bigger, not goes away, right?
I think that's where that comes from. Certainly the pattern of
simply not being used to it, not thinking that your needs are valid. Uh, definitely, you know, thinking if, if you grew up in a household where it was difficult for you to communicate transparently, maybe parents didn't communicate very transparently. There was a lot of passive aggression or shadow sentences. People didn't say what they meant.
They said a thing and hope that the other person would arrive at the thing that they meant and then resent them if they didn't. Uh, At what point have you got the training for it? So, you know, for all for me to say, you know, to try, it seems very strange that we wouldn't be able to advocate for ourselves. We're the first person. And you go, well, I guess so.
But what it really shows is just how far from center your life has sort of taken you that you don't even think that advocating for your own needs is something that you should prioritize. Right.
I imagine as well that there must come a stage or the more heavily ingrained people pleases, they must get themselves to a situation where they've people pleased for so long that they don't actually know their own opinion or what they believe or what they want. Like advocating for a need is tough if you've subjugated them for so long that you have no idea what they are anymore.
Yeah, it's really hard to come back from in that way. Like if you do it long enough, Um, so, and this is, it's interesting you, you come to that because we talked a little bit about, you know, what is the difference between agreeableness and people pleasing? Um, well, at some point you just become agreeable to everything because you, you, it's not that you don't care. It's that you don't know.
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Chapter 5: How can someone distinguish between being considerate and people-pleasing?
What if that is kind of like a single meal as opposed to ingredients that you can make a dish from? And I get the sense that a lot of people... if they can start to transcend and include or alchemize the more pathological parts of their people pleasing nature, what they're left with is probably the things that they care most about themselves, that they love most in themselves.
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It goes back to that thing we were talking about. And I've played with an idea that's also interesting that I wonder if people pleasing and narcissism aren't on the same through line. But the beautiful parts of you don't have to die for the toxic parts to go away. So it's like when people see, you know, they say, so I've heard you say, you know, I'm, I'm a people pleaser.
I'm struggling people pleasing, you know, like, okay, well, I don't experience you that way. Now I've heard some of the backstory. I might've been incorrect, but the, the generosity, the kindness, the, the loving way you show up, the, the joyful part of you that actually gets the,
fulfillment and and um levels up by giving that's awesome like that's beautiful that's that's humanity like that's the good shit right but to allow the self-deprecation to go away right to allow the self-deprivation to go away
to look at yourself not as a problem, but as having a set of problems and then solving each one through a long enough timeline, you get to keep all those things you love about yourself. You don't have to turn into an asshole. You just get off that line. It's like, If you're driving head-on at a bus, just steer. Just turn. You'll be fine.
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Chapter 6: What are the four questions to ask for self-reflection?
And so when you change, especially if you're in that kind of higher status, um, or if I'm going to be your James status, um, position, um, look at me, I'm learning.
Um, they have more to lose than you do.
So I think there's a component to that of selfishness within your social strata as well.
Absolutely. People need to keep you happy.
Right. If you're miserable and I had a really great CEO that was in London. We never did end up working together, but I really love him and I hope we get a chance to someday. But he has that kind of really big persona, that really big social strata. I don't think he knows how easy this is going to be.
everybody loves him right and he's you know he's everything to everybody most people in your life that love you don't want you to live like this they really don't they benefit from it you know everybody in your life if you're really in that people pleaser mindset if you really do live that way everybody in your life either benefits directly or indirectly from the behavior i promise right but
if you believe like I do, that the meaning of life is love and adventure, and honesty is what adventure is, if you want to have an adventurous life, just be honest, then being honest with the people that you love will only make them love you more. And The reason, you know, it's like this, I heard this analogy about Velcro.
That the only reason Velcro works is because it's imperfect. And because that's what catches the Velcro. That's what catches the loops is the imperfections.
And if you really want people to love you, be you. And watch how they change.
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Chapter 7: What is the importance of setting boundaries?
So, but why do I get to do this? It's because I, I show up as me online. I'm not a persona. I'm not, I'm not blowing smoke up anyone's ass. I just, I get out there and I do it. And then I saw you say it. And I said, what I say, it wasn't like, so I didn't sit and obsess about it. I was like, all right, I'm just going to say this. And you know, he's probably never gonna see it, whatever.
And next thing I know, here I am. Right. And, um, is it harder, um, when you're affluent? Maybe.
I don't know. I don't know if it matters. I think the journey is worth it anyway. Dude, I love it.
I love it. I really appreciate your energy. I really appreciate the vibe. I think that it is an unseen epidemic that a lot of people are dealing with. And being able to do it from a frame that makes you feel proud to be able to sort of step up to do this, that kind of, in actually a very British way, admits self-deprecatingly that this is a...
both maybe one of the most difficult challenges and like some sort of weird mortal quest and also a totally internal battle that no one's ever going to give you any glory for completing it's sort of this the most boring and magnificent thing that you're ever going to do both at the same time uh
uh, you know, a champagne problem that only you are ever really going to be able to pat yourself on the back for, uh, even if it affects the world and the rest of the people around you. I really love it. You've mentioned a couple of times, I'm curious before we finish up, you mentioned a few times, uh, different books that were really, uh, impactful on you. Scott Peck was one of them.
Um, if you were to sort of think about, I know a couple of books that you gift the most or that you've reread the most are the ones that sort of from an accessibility perspective, really, really made a big impact on you. What would they be?
Um, first one is, um, not nice by Aziz Gaspari. Um, that was really the, I think that was the first book I ever read that really addressed this kind of people pleasing behavior and really put, helped me put a tag on it. Oh, I see that. Right. So, um, that book is called not nice. Um, you know, the cornerstone text of course is going to be Dr. Robert Glover, you know, no more Mr. Nice guy. Like,
Doc, you're the king. You know you're the king.
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