New Wizards
Activity Overview
Episode publication activity over the past year
Episodes
Movie Watch-Along Recap — Goblet of Fire
11 Feb 2019
Contributed by Lukas
Like a burst of red sparks from somewhere in a hedge maze, our fourth movie watch-along has appeared! Hear us react to emo Ron, Mad Eye "Too Much Busi...
Movie Watch-Along Recap — Prisoner of Azkaban
07 Jan 2019
Contributed by Lukas
After a holiday break, the wizards are back with movie three! How many times will we mention "Primer?" Is Josh capable of identifying Gary Oldman? Wil...
Movie Watch-Along Recap — Chamber of Secrets
22 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
We're clipping along and getting snaked up! Listen to us go gaga for Gilderoy, consider Salazar Slytherin's impeccable taste in home furnishings, and ...
Movie Watch-Along Recap — Sorcerer's Stone
08 Nov 2018
Contributed by Lukas
It's the recap to our first watch-along! Tune-in to hear us gush about (and misidentify) British actors. This was a really good one! The watch-along M...
We Open At The Close — Series Epilogue
10 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Wow… what a wild ride :') We want to thank everyone for listening and reading along with us! We reflect on what magic really *is* one last time, con...
Post-Story Mailbag — Bonus Episode
02 Oct 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Our last mailbag episode! :'-) Thank you so, so much for all your questions and interactions throughout the series! We consider Ron — the REAL Ron —...
We Can See Thestrals Now — Book 7, Ch. 35-36
25 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
In this stunning conclusion to the main story, basically all of our in-jokes and running bits become real. Were the Wachowskis a major influence for J...
Strongbottom, imo — Book 7, Ch. 32-34
18 Sep 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Everyone's favorite buxom snake returns, and spurns Snape's thirsty advances — what a creep. We explore what brought him here, and consider the bigg...
OOO in Albania — Quick Update
24 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
The wizards are taking a longer-than-usual break! Next episode to come mid-September. In the meantime, send your questions, comments, and howlers to n...
A Warrior's Wheeze — Book 7, Ch. 31
21 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
House Slytherin drafts the traitor McLaggan from Gryffindor. Albania is the spookiest place on Earth, like WHAT is going on there?! Ron commits Parsel...
House of Flying Daggers — Book 7, Ch. 28-30
14 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
This is now a Minerva Mcgonagall stan podcast. Harry's getting better at Unspeakable Curses, and it's good, actually. The guardian of the Hufflepuff d...
The Goblin Blockchain — Book 7, Ch. 25-27
07 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
The gang gets Griphooked. Aunt Muriel's tiara makes an appearance on Antiques Roadshow. Ron goes too hard with his Transylvanian disguise and keeps sa...
101.3 KWIZ FM — Book 7, Ch. 22-24
01 Aug 2018
Contributed by Lukas
We turn a philosophic eye toward banditry. Neville wins two tickets to see Death Grips in a radio contest. The Malfoys learn there's no Command-Z for ...
Crumpy & Friends — Book 7, Ch. 20-21
17 Jul 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Neville is noided. Xenophilius Lovegood shows us his collection of exotic explosives. We learn about the legend of the Hallows, and consider all the m...
Doe, a Deer — Book 7, Ch. 18-19
10 Jul 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Harry discovers Dumbledore's alt-right Youtube channel. Bambi provides the gang with poisonous weaponry in a well-timed but ill-conceived Disney tie-i...
Big Splinch — Book 7, Ch. 14-17
05 Jul 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Ron gets splinched into three Rons. Kreacher becomes a SoulCycle instructor after Grimmauld Place gets gentrified. We break out the corkboard and yarn...
Mid-Book Mailbag — Bonus Episode
26 Jun 2018
Contributed by Lukas
It's time for another reader mailbag! Big thanks to everyone who wrote in with questions, topics, and howlers. We have an EXCELLENT Ted Tonks conspira...
Thiccnesse — Book 7, Ch. 12-13
19 Jun 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Does magic obey the laws of thermodynamics? Can you "accio" dark matter? Was Einstein a Hufflepuff? Umbridge uses Moody's eye to cheat at canasta. Dra...
RIP DJ Rashad — Book 7, Ch. 9-11
13 Jun 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Ron's wallet is the one that says "Bad Mother Fucker" on it. Where did Sirius even get Muggle swimsuit magazines from? Kreacher spills all in a very s...
I, Carly — Book 7, Ch. 6-8
05 Jun 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Hermoine hones her broadsword in preparation for her upcoming quest. Scrimgeour delivers Dumbledore's will, and reveals that he had a second, secret s...
Et tu, Mundungus? — Book 7, Ch. 4-5
30 May 2018
Contributed by Lukas
A Starbucks barista writes "Expelliarmus" on Harry's latte cup. All the good guys meet up at the least obvious meeting place in the wizarding world: T...
The Dursley Hallows — Book 7, Ch. 1-3
23 May 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Voldemort rents out a room in the Malfoy estate via Airbnb and uses all their olive oil? But he really knows how to cook a teacher. Then we tearfully ...
We Love Her Because She's Good — Book 6, Ch. 29-30
09 May 2018
Contributed by Lukas
We take a moment to honor the REAL heroes: Luna & Neville. Snape tricks Hermoine — the smartest person in the universe — with a fake mustache. The...
A Boring One — Book 6, Ch. 27-28
02 May 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Buckbeak returns in this otherwise uneventful section.
This Will Kill You, with Kate Dries — Book 6, Ch. 24-26
25 Apr 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Our friend Kate Dries joins us again to close the snog loop! We walk in on a weeping Draco and, in an effort to console him, slash him into stew meat....
It's Love, Actually — Book 6, Ch. 21-23
18 Apr 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Draco gentrifies the Room of Requirement. Tonks gives a cry for help via a cryptic Spotify playlist. Harry is up all night to get lucky. Why does Vold...
Romilda… — Book 6, Ch. 18-20
11 Apr 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Ron eats a pack of Choco-Cauldrons and wakes up in a corn field. Josh thinks Snape might be the Half-Blood Prince, or a Fifth-Blood Duke at the least....
Snogfest, with Kate Dries — Book 6, Ch. 14-17
28 Mar 2018
Contributed by Lukas
We're joined by our good friend: writer & editor extraordinaire and former Guy Friends Podcast co-host Kate Dries! Finally deep in the snogodrome, we ...
Bling That Stings — Book 6, Ch. 11-13
21 Mar 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Lavender Brown wins Pantone's Color of the Year. Ron definitely deserves to be Keeper, because he's so great at it. Katie Bell touches a necklace so e...
Slug Hornt — Book 6, Ch. 8-10
14 Mar 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Finally the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Snape pulls up a chair and sits on it backwards to tell it like it really is. The Half-Blood Prince...
Bat Bogey Flex — Book 6, Ch. 5-7
07 Mar 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Molly Weasley is so shook… she's wobblin'. We reunite with Phlegm, and are nice to her :) Professor Binns is established as Fuck Neutral. The US Tr...
Snape's Vinyl Collection — Book 6, Ch. 1-4
28 Feb 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Aaron Sorkin guest directs our introduction to the other minister. Snape puts a hex on Narcissa after she sets her glass down on his teak coffee table...
Listener Mailbag — Bonus Episode
21 Feb 2018
Contributed by Lukas
We take a brief pause from our journey through the books to respond to all your letters, which have completely clogged up our chimney at this point. W...
There Is No Wizard Spoon — Book 5, Ch. 36-38
14 Feb 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Book Five is finally done after almost three months — that's roughly the gestation period for leopards. We're leopard dads from this book alone! We ...
Fade to Black ;-) — Book 5, Ch. 33-35
09 Feb 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Uber, but for thestrals. Neville combines gunplay, martial arts, and rapid trigonometry in Equilibrium (2002, dir. Kurt Wimmer). A man gets a baby's...
Stop, Grawp, Shut 'em Down Open Up Shop — Book 5, Ch. 30-32
31 Jan 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Professor McGonagall stars in the reboot of "Kill Bill," and it's good this time. Ron somehow eats his Number 2 pencil in the middle of taking the OWL...
Astroneighmy — Book 5, Ch. 27-29
24 Jan 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Firenze fucks an astrolabe in class. Dumbledore disappears without responding to Professor Flitwick's Venmo request. Harry visits Snape's worst memory...
2 Rude 2 Occlude — Book 5, Ch. 24-26
17 Jan 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Snape is Morpheus, but reverse, in every way. While on a date in Hogsmeade, Harry claims to have forgotten his wallet, then goes on a rant about why t...
St. Mungo's Basilica — Book 5, Ch. 20-23
10 Jan 2018
Contributed by Lukas
We open with a simple prayer to St. Mungo. Hagrid starts up a stoner-doom band named Olympe's Wrath. Good kiss wet; Harry likey. The titty snake is ba...
Weasley Is Our King — Book 5, Ch. 17-19
03 Jan 2018
Contributed by Lukas
Umbridge jacks into the Floo Network mainframe and wipes all of Sirius' ports. GAME OVER. We get our first look at the Room of Requirement and ask, "H...
More Like RADfoot — Book 5, Ch. 14-16
27 Dec 2017
Contributed by Lukas
Despite everyone's warnings, Sirius starts a dog Instagram account featuring himself. Percy hopes to civilize Harry in an explainy letter, accidentall...
Quibblin', with Madeleine Davies — Book 5, Ch. 9-13
20 Dec 2017
Contributed by Lukas
Our friend, venerable Potter scholar, and senior Jezebel writer Madeleine Davies joins us again for another stacked ep! Is Ron the loose cannon cop wi...
So I Kreach (Yeah) — Book 5, Ch. 5-8
13 Dec 2017
Contributed by Lukas
We get an in-depth look at the Black family blood map, known in some cultures as a "family tree." Harry waits in line for 5 hours at the wizard DMV. A...
Agent F1-GG — Book 5, Ch. 1-4
06 Dec 2017
Contributed by Lukas
New book, new look. Harry starts smoking Pall Malls and listening to The Doors. Mr. Tibbins can snap a man's neck with his tail. We examine Aunt Petun...
Kin and Juice — Book 4, Ch. 35-38
29 Nov 2017
Contributed by Lukas
We finally uncover the mystery, if you can call it that. Sirius can't help himself and starts licking children's open wounds in the hospital wing. And...
Chill Sitch :) — Book 4, Ch. 32-34
22 Nov 2017
Contributed by Lukas
Some cool stuff happens in a nice graveyard, and no one gets hurt. The New Wizards have PhDs in magic linguistics now, I guess. And we consider whethe...
Malfoy News Network — Book 4, Ch. 29-31
15 Nov 2017
Contributed by Lukas
We binge on three episodes of Law & Order: Muggle Victims Unit, featuring a cameo by David Schwimmer. Fred and George are good boys who would never do...
#crouchgate — Book 4, Ch. 25-28
08 Nov 2017
Contributed by Lukas
The second task is complete, but no one seems bothered that Dumbledore and the merfolk chieftain are clearly sleeping together. Josh goes deep on some...
James Goblofini — Book 4, Ch. 21-24
01 Nov 2017
Contributed by Lukas
Is Ludo Bagman wearing a wire during his meeting with the Goblin Mafia? We take a terrible look at the mind-rending anxieties around school dances. Ha...
Accio Bros — Book 4, Ch. 17-20
25 Oct 2017
Contributed by Lukas
We consider how a Ron-less Harry deals with being the most love-hated child on Earth… again. Is Rita Skeeter's handbag real, or a knockoff? And we d...
Single-Malt Pony — Book 4, Ch. 10-16
15 Oct 2017
Contributed by Lukas
We're making a demand here, folks: Hagrid must fuck. We discuss Mad-Eye's methods, and that awesome class scene, including Neville's freak-out. And ca...
Ludo Swagman — Book 4, Ch. 1-9
05 Oct 2017
Contributed by Lukas
The new wizards quaff deeply from the goblet with a big chunk of action-packed reading. We consider the first chapter's creepy departure from the HP f...
Stag Party — Book 3, Ch. 20-22
28 Sep 2017
Contributed by Lukas
In discussing timeturners, we come even closer to making the entire podcast about the 2004 indie thriller "Primer." We take a close look at how Dumble...
Squid Daddy, with Madeleine Davies Pt 2 — Book 3, Ch. 14-19
20 Sep 2017
Contributed by Lukas
Join us for part two of our chat with Maddie. We'll get into the Marauders of old, Snape's whole deal, and most importantly: is Ron… actually lame??...
Squid Daddy, with Madeleine Davies Pt 1 — Book 3, Ch. 14-19
20 Sep 2017
Contributed by Lukas
We're joined by our friend, Dungeons & Dragons squadmate, and senior Jezebel editor Madeleine Davies in this two-part episode! We touch on her history...
Shookshanks — Book 3, Ch. 8-13
11 Sep 2017
Contributed by Lukas
A knife-wielding lunatic is busting into our bedrooms, but all the teachers are sleeping face emoji. Secrets are kept, then not kept. Scabbers… dies...
Sneakoscope Paranoia — Book 3, Ch. 1-7
06 Sep 2017
Contributed by Lukas
The wizards have made it to the third (and most beloved?) book, and they're already on a tear. Harry gets roasted. Percy gets roasted. Neville gets ro...
Seamless, but for Swords — Book 2, Ch. 16-18
29 Aug 2017
Contributed by Lukas
The wizards spelunk into the titular chamber, and reflect on this fearsome and satisfying book as a whole. Under the crunchy shell of this extremely m...
Snake Chat — Book 2, Ch. 9-15
23 Aug 2017
Contributed by Lukas
SPOILER ALERT: Josh spoils himself (...?) about the book's ending. The wizards parcel out some Parseltongue takes, explore just how badly Hagrid deser...
The Weasley Way, with Mel Kassel — Book 2, Ch. 1-8
16 Aug 2017
Contributed by Lukas
The wizards are joined by noted ~dark fiction~ writer and close personal friend Mel Kassel (@melkassel) to discuss the first part of book two! We touc...
The Sorting Hat Special — Bonus Episode
06 Aug 2017
Contributed by Lukas
Josh takes his Pottermore quizzes to learn his wand, Patronus, and House! And just what *is* a House, anyway? Aaron and Josh take a close look at Hous...
The Blood Price — Book 1, Ch. 8-17
06 Aug 2017
Contributed by Lukas
We finally get to discuss the main subject of all seven books: the Weasleys, and their lust for violence. We also learn more about our new sorta-frien...
Uncle Vernon Rules — Book 1, Ch. 1-7
04 Aug 2017
Contributed by Lukas
We start our adventure with some loveable folks: the Dursleys. Could they be the most beautiful, tragic characters in the Western canon? (Absolutely.)...
Muggle Life and Literature — Before the Reading
04 Aug 2017
Contributed by Lukas
Do you remember when Harry Potter first took the world by storm? Aaron and Josh discuss their memories of Pottermania, and their different tastes in l...