NOPE

We Report to Nobody!

13 Jan 2022

Contributed by Lukas

This episode speaks for itself.

Nopes of the Year! And the Losers Are...

30 Dec 2021

Contributed by Lukas

We decided to pull together a Year in Review episode, but first had to address some pressing Nopes, like GOP Rep. Madison Cawthorn, who is quite possi...

Nancy Reagan: The OG Throat GOAT (feat. Glace Chase)

17 Dec 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week we shut down Mark Meadows and his run-out-the-clock hail Mary strategy to evade accountability for his role in Donald Trump’s attempt to o...

Recycling? So Gay!

24 Nov 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, just in time for Thanksgiving, we review the bountiful cornucopia of unusual characters running for governor next year, including Dr. Mehme...

Nancy Pelosi, Always a Bridesmaid!

11 Nov 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we shut down heiress Ivy Getty’s San Francisco wedding, featuring a Galliano dress made of shards of glass, IV bags for guests and a City...

Facebook: The Metaverse Musical!

28 Oct 2021

Contributed by Lukas

We’re reeling and retching after watching the internal Facebook music video about health insurance open enrollment. But we attempt to collect oursel...

No Kidneys for the Chunky Monkeys!

15 Oct 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we shut down the Bad Art Friends Sonya Larson and Dawn Dorland. We’ve got the latest on the scandal involving Ozy Media and its founder C...

We're Amazon Prime’s Fastest-Growing Podcast!

30 Sep 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, former White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham revealed in her memoir that a staffer known as The Music Man would blast show tunes to...

Corral the Zebras! (feat. Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Fianceé)

17 Sep 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we shut down Kraken lawyer John Pierce, who resurfaced following a mysterious two-week absence from court, and issued a statement that rais...

Final Jeopardy: Who is Bob Ross? (feat. Josh Rofé

27 Aug 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Rudy Giuliani shaved his beard in a restaurant. Matt Gaetz got married. Dr. Tenpenny believes that Covid vaccines magnetize people. Mike Richards, who...

Hall & Oates: Live from Babylon!

13 Aug 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we shut down former assistant attorney general Jeffrey Clark, a Trump appointee who believes that votes in the 2020 election were changed b...

Peacock Struts Past Tokyo!

29 Jul 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week we discuss all things Olympics, ranging from the series of scandals plaguing Japan’s Olympic organizing committee to the pictogram pantomi...

A Podcast About a Podcast About a Blogger!

15 Jul 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we have gone super niche, covering a controversial episode of an obscure fashion podcast, The Cutting Room Floor, featuring a former fashio...

Cancel the Yoga Debt!

01 Jul 2021

Contributed by Lukas

As New York City’s Board of Elections struggled with tabulating ranked-choice votes, we shut down Bill Barr’s attempts at a reputational glow up a...

‘Ultimate Slip ‘N Slide’ Explodes On the Scene!

18 Jun 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, CNN legal analyst and public masturbator Jeffrey Toobin was suddenly back on the air, much like an unexpected erection popping up in a Zoom...

Thigh Guy Summer! (feat. Steven S. Rogers)

03 Jun 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Joined this week by a new friend of the pod, retired Harvard Business School professor Steve Rogers, we shut down the French Open as well as a Canadia...

Phil Collins Remembers the Alamo!

28 May 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, GQP congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene compared mask mandates to being sent to the gas chambers in Germany. Rand Paul received a mysterio...

Our NYC Mayoral Endorsement Goes To...

21 May 2021

Contributed by Lukas

As the weather warmed up and trillions of sex-crazed Brood X cicadas emerged from the earth, we shut down Mar-a-Blogger’s latest screed against New ...

Banana Peel Pie: A Taste of Home!

14 May 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, the uncertain flight path of a wayward Chinese rocket added to our anxiety payload. Two New York City mayoral candidates said they thought ...

From the Wee Desk of a Tiny Man!

06 May 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we discuss Donald J. Trump’s reemergence as a blogger. A furniture company discovered that a third of people in England wash their sheets...

Scromiting Through the Ages!

22 Apr 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week we shut down the America First Caucus, designed to “protect Anglo-Saxon traditions,” and the garbage monsters who are now trying to dist...

Find Us on Wikifeet! (feat. Jessica Winter)

15 Apr 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we shut down the Republican Party’s silence as Matt Gaetz becomes further engulfed in scandal. A daring journalist confronted the strange...

Gaetz Part II: Into the Eye of the Wormnado

09 Apr 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, Rep. Matt Gaetz was promoted from alleged interstate sex trafficker to alleged international sex trafficker owing to a story involving a ha...

Florida Man: The Musical, Starring Matt Gaetz!

01 Apr 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we try to unpack the convoluted scandal involving Congressman Matt Gaetz, who is under investigation for child sex trafficking but claims h...

Honey, There's Shrimp in My Cereal!

25 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we shut down former Trump lawyer Sidney Powell’s strategy to fight a defamation lawsuit, which is to argue that nothing she says should b...

The People vs. Beeple!

18 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, Generation X waded into the cancel culture wars only to find itself ratioed on Twitter. An artist named Beeple sold a digital work of art, ...

Madea Saves the Royals!

12 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Alive with the spirit of the American Revolution, we shut down the entire British monarchy this week following Oprah’s incredible tea-spilling inter...

Who Will Speak for the Neanderthals?

05 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we shut down the Nazi-insignia-shaped stage at CPAC, on which a woman performed a most unusual rendition of our national anthem. Mr. Potato...

We Demand Justice for Snowflake!

25 Feb 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, two historians went on television to participate in a segment about how one of Joe Biden’s dogs looks insufficiently “presidential.” ...

Gorilla Glue Girl Unravels!

18 Feb 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we puzzle over Donald Trump’s two-page statement blasting Mitch McConnell for not smiling enough. 432 Park Avenue, a fancy tower for bill...

The Cat Lawyer's Closing Argument! (feat. Andrew Goldman)

11 Feb 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we are joined by friend-of-the-pod Andrew Goldman, host of LA Magazine’s podcast “The Originals,” who helped us shut down Donald Trum...

Fetch the Jewish Space Lasers!

04 Feb 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we shut down Marjorie Taylor Greene, the new face of the Qpublican Party. A man’s most private parts were held hostage after his wifi-ena...

We Risk it All! (feat. Bevy Smith)

28 Jan 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we are joined by TV and radio host and “Bevelations” author Bevy Smith, with whom we shut down the manufactured scandal surrounding Pre...

My #Antifa Lover: A Book Review

22 Jan 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we toast to the inauguration of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris as we simultaneously bid farewell to the disgusting family of garbage monsters ...

E149: Javanka: Time to Flush Twice!

15 Jan 2021

Contributed by Lukas

What a week. After we decided not to record last Wednesday because of the ongoing assault on our Democracy, we’re back to discuss the insurrection a...

PSA: So It's Come to This

08 Jan 2021

Contributed by Lukas

With this week's horrific and shameful acts of terrorism in the nation's capital, we decided it's just not a week for comedy. Besides, we&...

E148: All I Want for Christmas is NOPE!

24 Dec 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, as the Great Conjunction brought Saturn and Jupiter into alignment and kicked off a new astrological epoch, we say “Bye Felicia!” to 20...

E147: Dr. Biden Will See You Now! (feat. Alana Hope Levinson)

17 Dec 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Joined this week by a special guest–MEL Magazine deputy editor Alana Hope Levinson–we shut down the election denial holdouts, the Wall Street Jour...

E146: Quadrillions of Lawyers!

11 Dec 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, the Texas attorney general filed a highly unusual lawsuit to overturn the election results in four states–none of which is Texas–becaus...

E145: Sisterhood of the Traveling Monolith!

04 Dec 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, a metal monolith appeared in Southern California after visiting Northern Romania and the inside of a canyon in Utah. In possibly related ne...

E144: Pardon the Kraken!

26 Nov 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, Canadians got a warning not to let moose lick their cars. Donald Trump pardoned turkeys Corn and Cob as well as chicken Michael Flynn. And ...

E143: Itchy Cows and Boiled Chickens!

19 Nov 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, an Irish farmer enlisted the help of two Druids to move a rock that was knocked over 10 years ago by a bull, leading to a string fo bad luc...

E142: Live from Four Seasons Total Landscaping!

12 Nov 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Following Joe Biden’s decisive win on Saturday, we’ve been ignoring the Nopes this week and focusing on the Yups. We discuss the Biden-Harris vict...

Bonus Episode: Last Chance Poll Dance!

03 Nov 2020

Contributed by Lukas

We decided to channel our anxiety about the election into a podcast about our anxiety about the election. Join us as we shut down the rat-filled sinkh...

E140: We're Packing the Supreme Court!

29 Oct 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, even the Vatican was trying to be a moderating influence as Handmaid Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed to the Supreme Court. The Trump Admini...

E139: Covid Update: From 'Roids to Raves!

16 Oct 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, Judge Amy Coney Barrett bobbed and weaved her way through her SCOTUS confirmation hearings with the help of a fly, wine, Jenga and some goo...

E138: Flies in Our Eyes!

09 Oct 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, as the White House remained shrouded in a cloud of Covid-19 particles and lies, Kamala Harris faced off against Mike Pence in the VP debate...

E137: $750 is Less than Zero

01 Oct 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we shut down the debate from hell and Sen. Kelly Loeffler’s endorsement from Atilla the Hun. Brian unearths a letter he wrote to Presiden...

E136: You'll Never Believe Who's a Furry!

17 Sep 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, Michael Caputo had a meltdown on Facebook, Donald Trump was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and–spoiler alert–90-year-old retired She...

E135: Life is Just a Bag of Soup! (feat. Lauren Mechling)

03 Sep 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, in between bouts of hurling soup cans at passersby, we shut down the controversial theories of two renegade orthodontists in Britain who ha...

E134: Melania Trump: A Rose in Bloom!

27 Aug 2020

Contributed by Lukas

The RNC kicked off this week with a trifecta of debacles: Steve Bannon was arrested by U.S. Postal Service Inspectors on a yacht, Republican Senator M...

E133: Susan B. Anthony, Felon No More!

20 Aug 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, Donald Trump pardoned another dead person to score political points with anti-choice activists, two maniacs won Republican Congressional pr...

E132: Under (Water) Pressure!

14 Aug 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we shut down Donald Trump’s ongoing attempts to steal the election by dismantling the U.S. Postal Service. (On the plus side, he’s roll...

E131: Yo Semites! Let's Go to Australia!

06 Aug 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we shut down the scourge of “mystery seeds” being sent to unsuspecting customers via Amazon. Amy Adams gets another shot at Oscars glor...

E130: The Demon Vaccine is Here!

30 Jul 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we shut down Donald Trump’s new trusted medical advisor, Dr. Stella Immanuel–aka Dr. Demon Sperm. Also on the docket: we explore the co...

E129: Turkey Legs and Luscious Lips!

23 Jul 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we shut down the Trump campaign’s nonsense ‘911’ ad, a fish with luscious lips and Disney World’s draconian rules prohibiting walki...

E128: Help! We Can't Tweet! (feat. Conor Dougherty)

16 Jul 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week we are joined by special guest Conor Dougherty, New York Times reporter and author of the new book “Golden Gates,” about the California ...

Summer PSA: Back Next Week!

09 Jul 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Rachel's got shingles (the shingles?) and Brian's on vacation (the vacation?) ... which is to say we'll be back next week with a great #NO...

E127: Bronies Get Out the Vote! (feat. Erin Geiger Smith)

25 Jun 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we are joined by a very special guest: Erin Geiger Smith, author of the new book “Thank You For Voting.” We shut down Nazi Bronies, Mel...

E126: Everybody Gets a Pentacle!

18 Jun 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, Rachel attempts to give a Zoom tarot card reading and things are not looking good. Anti-bathing cult members were arrested in Hawaii for vi...

E125: Can't Stop the Music!

11 Jun 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Just when we thought we had uncovered every possible way to die, a porn star was arrested in Spain for killing a man in a mystical ritual involving to...

E124: Let's Get Biblical!

04 Jun 2020

Contributed by Lukas

The old adage is true: you can put lipstick on a pig but you cannot shit in a wig, as Lea Michele learned this week. We shut down the MAGA crowd’s a...

E123: Karens: Unmasked!

28 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week we shut down the wolves and the Karens. Specifically, two authors of so-called “wolf-kink erotica” are embroiled in a legal battle over ...

E122: In the Kitchen with Robert Pattinson!

21 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

It’s been another terrible week. Since we last spoke, Alison Roman’s column has been temporarily suspended from the New York Times, leaving us stu...

E121: We're Churning Butter Like It's 1899!

15 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Our conversation this week extends from the Little House to the Waffle House, as Americans embrace 19th Century technology and get into fisticuffs ove...

E120: Murder Hornets She Wrote!

07 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

As we enter our second month of sheltering in place, we learned this week of more plagues: a Polar Vortex is about to hit the Eastern seaboard and Mur...

E119: We're Drinking Bleach on Zoom!

01 May 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we bring to bear all of our expertise as native Long Islanders to analyze the new film “Bad Education,” starring Hugh Jackman as Dr. Fr...

E118: The Cottonelle Conspiracy...Unrolled!

23 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week we contemplate life without toilet paper. We try to understand what really happened when Gov. Cuomo met his daughter’s boyfriend for a hom...

E117: Rats Get Ready to Rumble!

16 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week we explore how animals are adapting to life in the age of Covid. We found that rats are resorting to cannibalism, goats are taking over enti...

E116: Nope in the Time of Covid!

10 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

We’re back after a very dramatic one-month hiatus during which we both battled the coronavirus. We share our personal experiences with the virus, an...

PSA: Back Next Week!

02 Apr 2020

Contributed by Lukas

It's been a rough few weeks, but Rachel and Brian will be back next week with a brand new NOPE to bring you some laughter in these dark times.

E115: Social Distancing Spectacular!

13 Mar 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we shut down our terrible government’s bungled response to the coronavirus, hand-washing tutorials, New York’s plastic bag ban, #Intern...

E114: Bernie Sanders Gets Blocked by The Circle!

27 Feb 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week we shut down the Democratic debate in South Carolina, the White House’s bungled response to the coronavirus, various data breaches, Apple’...

E113: Eminem Hoards Vagina Candles!

13 Feb 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This week we delve into the struggling presidential campaign of “most electable” Joe Biden; the mixed (gift) bag that was the Oscars; dueling vagi...

E112: Dinosaurs Eating Rush Limbaugh! (feat. Suraj Patel)

06 Feb 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Thank God Dry January is over because Drunk February so far has been even worse. Thankfully, we were joined by Friend of #NOPE Suraj Patel, a beacon o...

E111: Michael Bloomberg Shakes a Snout!

30 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

The news this week–or should we say the Knewz?–was a grab bag from hell, a piñata overflowing with excrement, so we decided it was the perfect mo...

PSA: Sleep-Deprived Witnesses and Documents!

24 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

We've been forced to skip this week's episode due to extreme sleep deprivation, since we've been trying to stay up to watch the impeachmen...

E110: Lev Parnas Eyes a Tray of Pigs in Blankets!

17 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Defying the orders of Yamaha, we are are broadcasting this week from inside a roomy musical instrument case. We shut down the Parnassance, Rachel Bros...

E109: Prince Harry Gets Handsy with Reachy!

09 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

All is not well! This week, panting with anxiety, we attempt to turn our attention to the brilliant innovations revealed at CES in Las Vegas, like a t...

E108: Lizzo Juices Pottery Barn!

02 Jan 2020

Contributed by Lukas

After spending the holidays relaxing and catching up on the Canadian Broadcasting Company’s edit of “Home Alone 2,” we’re back in the studio s...

E107: Odd Trump Out! (feat. Jill Kargman)

19 Dec 2019

Contributed by Lukas

On this historic day in American history, as the House of Representatives found itself in “deep yogurt,” we were joined by Friend of Nope Jill Kar...

E106: The Duct-Taped Banana Drowns in Mincemeat!

12 Dec 2019

Contributed by Lukas

The holidays are approaching and nothing says Christmas like a nine vote working majority, a racy cocaine Santa sweater from Walmart Canada and mincem...

E105: Baby Yoda Spotted at a Jiggle Joint!

05 Dec 2019

Contributed by Lukas

As Donald Trump fought with our allies in Europe, and Andrew Yang squirted whipped cream directly into his supporters’ mouths, we tried to remain fo...

A Very Nope Thanksgiving!

28 Nov 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Overwhelmed with Thanksgiving preparations, we decided to pardon ourselves this week from our typical podcasting duties. But we did introduce a new be...

E103: The Whistleblower Haunts an AirBnb! (feat. Lindsay Goldwert)

21 Nov 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Strung out from another insane day of impeachment hearings, we sat down with author, comedian and friend of the pod Lindsay Goldwert to get to the bot...

E102: Milli Vanilli Dates a Chicken Parm Bro!

14 Nov 2019

Contributed by Lukas

While the world was focused on impeachment, it seemed like nobody was really paying attention to the story of Mina Chang, a lounge singer from Dallas ...

E101: James Dean Gulps a Gay Iced Coffee!

08 Nov 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Much like amateur zoologist Brian Fellow, we are very excited and a little bit scared this week. The trial of Roger Stone began in a typical carnival ...

E100: Peter Luger Goes into Chipmunk Mode!

31 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

For our 100th episode, we decided to cut all of the material about Donald Trump, because we just can’t stand it anymore. Instead, we discussed other...

E99: Countess Luann Canoodles with a Cabaret Critic!

24 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

As we enter the mob phase of the Trump presidency, we dig into the inspiring story of Pierre Delecto, the once-secret Internet persona of Mitt Romney....

E98: Kendall Roy Beats Ron Vara Like a Drum! (feat. Lauren Goode)

18 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Amid one of the most troubling weeks in recent memory, we were joined by Friend of Nope Lauren Goode, senior writer for WIRED and host of the Gadget L...

E97: Alec Baldwin Nails the Untitled Goose Game!

11 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

Drowning in news and unable to breathe, we tried to follow “The Bachelor,” only to find out that the new bachelor smashed his face open on multipl...

E96: Robert De Niro Holds Gwyneth Paltrow’s Blankstrap!

03 Oct 2019

Contributed by Lukas

We are so overwhelmed by the news that we’ve decided to take a step back and produce “Impeachment: the Movie,” featuring a phalanx of Republican...

E95: Rudy Giuliani Comes Out as Sapiosexual!

27 Sep 2019

Contributed by Lukas

The creaky gears of justice finally appear to be turning, yet everything is still terrible. We delve into the Trump-Zalensky phone call, troubles at t...

E94: Joe Biden Chokes on a Corn Pop!

19 Sep 2019

Contributed by Lukas

This week, we learned that Joe Biden’s idea of a sick burn is to call someone “Esther,” as in Esther Williams, the late swimming star of the sil...

E93: Tim Cook Livestreams a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto! 

12 Sep 2019

Contributed by Lukas

National Security Adviser John Bolton became the latest Trump Administration official to be fired via Twitter–or did he resign? We may never know. T...

E92: Boris Johnson Bows to the Dairy Queen!

06 Sep 2019

Contributed by Lukas

As hurricane Dorian heads to the Carolinas–not Alabama–the idea of storm size has become the new crowd size, which was once the new hand size. Mea...

E91: Rihanna Trusses a Fish Turducken!

29 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

We returned from our summer vacations to find a nation crawling with bedbugs and lusting over a chicken sandwich. Some people were losing their minds ...

E90: Margot Robbie Smuggles an Octopus!

17 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

It’s the dog days of summer, but for Rachel and Brian, it’s just silly season. In this politics-free episode, a woman hid meth in her vagina and a...

E89: Mike Pence Battles 30-50 Feral Hogs!

08 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

It’s the dog days of summer, and we’ve had enough of everything: the “hard seltzer,” paid internships that require abstaining from “frosé,”...

E88: Tom Cruise Yodels on a Clown Cruise!

03 Aug 2019

Contributed by Lukas

After seeing the trailer for “Top Gun: Maverick” last week, we were compelled to watch the original “Top Gun” for the very first time, and we ...