Chapter 1: What are the common struggles people face in communicating confidently?
We're never going to say something that you can't take back. You have to have conflict because sometimes we can't avoid it as humans.
If you are someone who's very emotional or reactive, really think before you speak. I don't want to be catching up with a friend who I haven't seen for four weeks and looking at notifications out the side of my eye. That is not actively listening.
And it's really rude.
Yeah.
You attract not what you want. You attract who you are. Sometimes we need to look internal instead of blaming external factors. You don't want to damage something that's important to you.
It should be you two against the problem. Welcome back to the Oilers Talk podcast. I'm Kate. And I'm Gemma, a space for no BS conversations for the women who want more. And today's episode, potentially going to be a spicy one. It's all about conflict and communication, business, friendship, relationships, all of the things, how to have the hard conversations.
how to communicate better and how to actually not be so afraid of conflict and communication in general.
And this episode comes off the back of an episode that you guys actually blew up for us, which was insane. How to make friends as an adult. And we got quite a lot of DMs and comments around how do you communicate with your friends when, you know, potentially they're doing something that you don't like, or you guys are navigating a difficult patch in your relationship, etc.
So we kind of wanted to dive a little bit deeper into how do you have high levels of communication? What does that actually look like? And how to avoid conflict, or if you have to have conflict, because sometimes we can't avoid it as humans, having it in a really respectful way.
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Chapter 2: How can you prepare for difficult conversations with friends or partners?
It should be okay, this is the problem. This is how we both feel. How are we going to overcome this together? And what will happen as a result of that is you will have a deeper relationship, better communication going forward. But so many of us are avoiding that.
Yeah. And I think all of what you just spoke about, the disrespectful conflict or arguments with people,
comes from the lack of communication before it gets to that point yeah now i think about this quite often i think about it from a business owner's perspective it's like a lot of people complain right in business that they want more clients they want more leads they want more opportunities but they don't even have basic levels of communication to reply to dms in a timely manner
to have their own voice, have their own opinions, to have hard conversations. They avoid all of that. And when I think to relationships or friendships, if you are the person that gets into an argument with somebody you love and you are disrespectful to them, that is because you have not communicated your needs, wants or desires prior to that point. And it's become this big explosive thing.
So for example, if Gemma is annoying me and I, we've spoken about on the potty, she's stubborn. I'm a control freak. We know this. But if I had not said to her, hey, you're really stubborn in some situations. And then she was like, yeah, no, I know. But if we'd never had that conversation before.
We are bound to have an argument about her being stubborn at one point or another, and that could end up explosive because I have, this is a hypothetical situation, guys, but I have for a long period of time been resenting her because of how stubborn she is. It all comes out.
I tell you every day how stubborn you are, but how stubborn she is for such a long period of time without actually just bringing it up when it first annoyed me.
Yeah, 100%.
And that's why I feel like so many people have really bad conflict and have really disrespectful conversations with people because they lack levels of communication to begin with. Now, the next point I want to make, or do you want to go?
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Chapter 3: What strategies can help in managing conflict respectfully?
You can't necessarily change that, but having conversations and figuring out how you work together And playing to each other's strengths is what's so important.
And this is just like a little bit of a tip or something that I was taught years ago when I first started my business and when I was taught a very traditional way of like sales and selling, right? Which is not anything that I like to do now. But this thing kind of was engraved in my head and I want to share it with you guys because I think that this will help
you really improve your communication style if you are someone who struggles to communicate, is actually adopting, I am going to listen to listen, not listen to speak. There is so many people that you have a conversation with
And I can tell within three seconds that they have not listened to a single word that I have said because they are so focused on focusing on what they're going to say next or to add to the story. And when you are thinking about improving your communication skills, if you have great communication skills and you don't care about this stuff, this episode is obviously not for you.
But if you want to improve your communication skills, one of the best things that you can do is to really listen to listen and actually listen to what somebody is telling you. If you're in business, this is going to help a hell of a lot.
with being able to connect with people, to build an audience online if you're wanting it to be more engaged, to actually be able to figure out whether or not you are the perfect person to help that person with the problem that they are currently facing. And honestly, when I learned that, I was like, whoa, I was the person that used to listen to fucking speak. I used to cut people off.
I used to interrupt. I used to add my story on top of their story. And like sometimes that's okay. Like naturally humans, we want to be relatable. But also if I'm in a conversation with someone and they're just trying to one-up me with every story that I say, automatically I'm disengaging. And I probably won't want to ever really –
Speak to that person again because I won't feel like we have anything in common. It's just been like a one-up situation. And we've all experienced that before.
I feel like it's like the worst trait. It's like story toppers. Yeah, that's the word I was looking for. It's like a story topper. It's like a competitiveness. I don't even think people have the awareness to know that they're doing it. But it's like let people have their moment.
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Chapter 4: How does active listening improve communication skills?
Like if Kate's telling me about some insane business win and the first thing I'm thinking about is to tell her about my win – Like, yes, there could be an element there of like relating to it, but I'm talking about like, just let people have their moment. Like say, I know Kate's had these like crazy big goals within your business and amount of members and things like that.
Like if the first thing I said was what mine were or whatever, I think it can detract from what you're trying to celebrate. And I think there comes a moment where you need to acknowledge if you're doing that deliberately or not deliberately and just like letting people have that and listening.
And on the theme of listening, I was really thinking about like active listening because I'm sure we've all experienced this. Something that we do so great whenever we're in a social setting, all of our friends do it and I fucking love it, is we all have our phone screen down. So if we are ever at dinner, no one's phone is up.
And I think that this is a really good thing to do if you're listening to this or watching and you don't already do this. I don't want to be catching up with a friend who I haven't seen for four weeks, six months, nine months a year and looking at notifications out the side of my eye, right? Like that is not actively listening.
I want my friends to have 100% of me when I'm in their presence and I want to listen to how they're going. And It can just be a bad habit sometimes. But I think that like that is the thing that I think about with active listening. It's like these things you can actually do from this episode.
Like the next time you're in a social setting, the next time you have dinner with your partner, put your phone down, have your phone on do not disturb. Stop letting these things distract you. And on that point, I was just going to say like... Let's just say the example of like your partner's like, how was your day?
Like they ask you that question and then you go to respond and they're looking at their phone or they're off with the fairies, whatever. Triggered immediately. Right? Like we all know what that feels like. Like I'm sure Ben's done that before. I've probably done that before, but I'm aware and we always want to improve it. And that's, again, comes down to communication.
But like don't be that person. And it comes down to when I think of active listening, one, I'm listening to you. My body language is facing towards you. I'm using my hands, like nonverbal cues to let you know that I'm listening. Like there's all of these things that we can do. Like this is like from a counseling lens.
There's all of these like nonverbal and verbal things that we can like, you know, when you talk and I'm like, aha, like those things matter. And if you want someone to feel welcome and in a business sense, you want someone to feel listened to, those are the things you can work on. Let's use the stark example of like,
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Chapter 5: What role does body language play in effective communication?
So even when I meet someone for the first time and if somebody is talking to me and naturally, like I said before, we want to connect with people, right? Like that's our human nature. We want to connect with people. We want to like get, we want them to understand that we understand where they're coming from.
So we naturally will either interject or interrupt or even constantly saying, yep, yep, yep, yep. If I speak to someone who constantly does that, Naturally, I get the impression that they are not interested in my story and they want me to rush through it. Like wrap it up.
Yeah.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Like I get it. Yep. Like that is the kind of vibe when you're even constantly saying like, yep, yep, yep, yep. All the time. And just being really, really aware of like these small little micro cues that you guys can pick up on to help improve your communication. We'll do exactly that. It'll help improve your communication 100%.
And then that skill set of communication, you guys know we speak about skill set building all the time. is going to be the foundation for so many things.
When you're a better communicator, when you are a better communicator, clearly I'm not a good communicator today, when you're a better communicator, you also open yourself up to so many more opportunities because people walk away from experiences with you feeling really felt, seen, heard, understood, and most important, listened to.
Meaning that when they leave you, that first impression is going to be a really good one. Meaning they are more likely to then remember you for future opportunities, events, things that they potentially would want to maybe invite you to down the track. If you constantly interrupt them, constantly interject, looking at your phone when they're speaking, they're not remembering you.
You are so easy to forget in that moment. So really thinking about it from the lens of like, okay, if I want more opportunities, communicating as a skill set is something I need to build. When I think about it from growing a business, if I am the person who wants more in their business, more leads, more engaged community, more followers, more money, whatever that thing is, and I can't communicate,
how am I ever going to build a business? If I can't have a hard conversation, reply to a DM, if I inquire for a coach, business owners, I don't know why the fuck you guys do this, but if I inquire for a coach as a small business owner myself, and then I don't reply, I ghost, And then I complain that I'm getting ghosted all the time in my business.
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Chapter 6: How can you identify and communicate your needs in relationships?
Because I know when I started as a coach and I was really excited about the terminology and the science and the things I was learning and the biomechanics, I really wanted to gravitate towards speaking to those things. But then I realized there's a disconnect because the people and the women that I speak to don't really speak in that language or care.
So sometimes it's also just really important to think like, What is the native language and the native way of communicating, speaking, engaging with your audience and start doing more of that. And then a little bit more on that point is like when it actually comes to speaking and coming across, like how you project your voice, the warmth in your tone.
And then back to actually wanting to connect properly. It is being a good listener, not even just listening straight away to what someone's saying, but like, what is your community saying that they're struggling with? Like that is the perfect way to make sure you're helping them with what they need, not what you think they need, what they're telling you they need.
Yeah. Not assuming. Yeah. Actually listening. Listening. And then doing something with that information. Yeah. And I think on that note, that wraps up today's episode. Yeah. Unless there's anything else you need to add, girl. Wrap it up, boys. And on that note, we are going to wrap up today's episode.
If you are over on our Spotify, make sure that you rate this podcast five stars, drop us a comment if you enjoyed this communication conflict kind of vibe. And then if you're on our YouTube, we love you. Make sure that you like, comment, subscribe, and we will see you in the next episode. Bye. Bye.
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