Chapter 1: Why is jealousy in friendships more common than we think?
I used to compare myself to people on the internet who had bigger businesses than me being like, not from a place of jealousy, but being like, would I ever be able to do that?
No one's really talking about this. You feel this jealousy and as a result, you talk shit. You find a way to knock people down a peg.
In your little group of friends, sent a video and gone, oh my God, she's being a try hard. Oh my God, she's a loser. That's so fake. That's so this. But then secretly deep down, you're wanting to post content. You're wanting to start a business. It's like, well, no shit that's going to feel harder for you. Tearing somebody else down is not going to build more confidence in yourself.
Welcome back to the Oilers Talk podcast. I'm Kate. And I'm Gemma, the space for no BS conversations for the women who want more. And we, up on the chopping block today, girlies, we have episode three out of four for our friendship series. And we are coming in hot today, talking about jealousy and comparison with your friendships.
Yep. I think that this is going to be a spicy episode, but also a really good one because whether you're navigating friendships in real life or navigating friendships in the online space, I do see a lot, especially between women and a lot of conversation around comparing yourself with others or even when people succeed, some weird things can come up there.
So I think that it's going to be a really useful topic to cover and I'm excited to get into it. I agree. First thing I want to talk about is the fact that I think that because this is a little bit taboo, no one's really talking about this. Like if you do have a feeling come up, like say, for example, you are working towards, let's just say like a fitness goal.
And then someone who's close to you is also, maybe they're a bit ahead of you because they started before you and you might feel a certain way because you quote unquote feel jealous. Now, I think that There's a whole spectrum of emotions as a human, right?
Like things are going to come up and you don't really necessarily want to shame yourself, but you want to have the emotional intelligence to be like, that's not a great way to be responding. And that's probably going to impact the friendship because of how I potentially treat them or celebrate their wins as a result.
So I think one, if you do feel that way, this episode is not meant to make you feel shit. It's meant to help bring to light any way that you might be acting that's going to actually be to your detriment.
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Chapter 2: How can we stop letting comparison shrink our confidence?
And I think on that topic, if you're someone who has all of these goals tucked away, you're thinking about you want to be more confident. You're thinking about the fact that you want to show up on social media or grow a business or whatever it is. And you feel this jealousy. And as a result, you talk shit. as a result, you find a way to knock people down a peg. I see this all the time.
Someone will be successful and someone in the comments will say something negative about how it is that they achieved that success. Or say if it's just like you know of some mutual person and they're doing really well. If your first thought is to talk about, oh, wouldn't have done it that way. Or, oh, It's not that good.
Like you need to look within because every single time you talk shit about another person and you try to knock them down a peg because you can't handle them doing well, you are quite literally crippling your own ability to build confidence and do the same thing. Because how do you think you're going to navigate you going after any of your goals when you know that that's the way that you think?
It's going to make it exemplified with how you feel like other people are going to judge you and it's a slippery slope I would want to avoid.
I think of this when it comes to building a business and posting content. How many times have you, in your little group of friends or with somebody that you know, sent a video and gone, oh my God, she's being a tryhard. Oh my God, she's a loser. Oh my God, I can't believe she would post that. That's so cringe. That's so fake. That's so this.
But then secretly deep down, you're wanting to post content, you're wanting to start a business. It's like, well, no shit that's going to feel harder for you. No shit you're probably going to feel like you need to pin yourself up against other females or women in your life or your friendships because you have been doing that behind closed doors with your little shitty group of friends.
And I think it's really important that if you are the person right now who feels jealous of their friends, who feels like they're constantly comparing themselves to their friends, that you do look inward.
Because at the end of the day, if you're lacking levels of confidence, tearing somebody else down or better yet your friend down, which is just diabolical behavior, it's not going to build more confidence in yourself. Exactly like Gem said, it's doing the complete opposite.
And I would really look at the reframe of like, okay, it's normal for me to feel like I, it's normal for me to compare my life to other people on social media or my friends. It's normal to maybe get a sense of jealousy, but how could I actively flip the script on that and start focusing on looking at it as a permission slip?
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Chapter 3: What does it mean to flip the script on jealousy?
I think that about the fitness industry as a bit of a rogue side quest. I've been very much like tunnel vision, growing my business, upskilling, whatever, whatever. Slaying. Slaying, thank you. But I don't really pay attention to what other people are doing really in terms of in the fitness industry. And I really feel like I did notice at the start where some people were like,
weird with like giving information or like you try to learn something. And I'm like, it's so funny to me because in my head, there's a lack of good coaches. Like I genuinely believe that the standard in the fitness industry needs to be lifted. And when I think of who would I trust to coach me, I have a handful of people that I could choose. you're one of them and that's it, right?
So there's two issues and this is a side question. I'm going to go back to friendships. But when I think of the fitness industry, I'm really thinking, okay, cool. There's a lack of good coaches and there's an abundance of people that need help. People will always need help. Now, if you can apply that with any other thing, there's always going to be people that need insert the thing.
So don't think like that. It's not useful. And also the more that we collaborate, the better everybody gets. I love that. Let's get into a listener question. Go for it.
A listener question. I did not pronounce that well. How do I stop comparing? Let's start that again. Okay. I catch myself feeling jealous of women I genuinely care about. How do I work through that without it affecting the friendship? I'm going to take this one. Good. I'm just going to roll. Go hard. I think actually having a conversation with your friend.
If you're feeling jealous and you guys have a close friend, friendship, you love that person. I assume that you feel pretty deeply connected to them. How about you just normalize it and you have a conversation? hey, I'm feeling a little bit jealous of you getting that promotion.
Or hey, this is not anything about you, but I just want to voice the fact that you got that promotion and I've been working really hard for a promotion that hasn't happened for me yet and I'm feeling a little bit triggered. Doesn't need to be anything about you taking the spotlight. Obviously, you've already celebrated them at this point.
It's not about you taking the spotlight, but maybe it's just about opening that conversation. And then your friend can be like, oh, okay, why? And then maybe you're feeling jealous, not necessarily because your friend's gotten the promotion, but maybe your friend in the past hasn't supported or celebrated you.
And you guys could actually build a deeper friendship or you could use this as a building block for deepening your connection.
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Chapter 4: How can we use others' success as motivation instead of comparison?
You know what I mean? 100%. So I just, yeah, I think having a conversation and not being blamey, like you got the promotion and you didn't take into my feelings into account or anything crazy. It's just like, hey, this is my shit that I'm dealing with, but I wanted to vocalize it. So you know how I'm feeling.
feeling and then hopefully you guys deepen your your friendship and if you do let us know in the comments 100 and on that note we're going to wrap up today's episode thank you so much as always if you're over on our spotify we love you make sure you rate this podcast five stars leave a comment if you're on our youtube we also love you so much make sure you like comment subscribe turn on the notification bell and we'll see you next week for our final episode of our mini series or let's talk friendships let's do it we love you love you bye