Passion Struck with John R. Miles
The Mattering Mindset in Love: How to Choose the Love You Deserve (Part 2) | EP 579
28 Feb 2025
Chapter 1: Why does love feel uncertain?
What if the reason love feels so uncertain isn't because you haven't found the right person, but because you haven't fully chosen yourself? Too many people mistake being wanted for being valued. Mistaking makes signals for mystery and inconsistency for passion. But here's the truth. Real love doesn't leave you guessing.
It's built on mutual respect, emotional security, and the belief that you matter. In episode 579, we're diving deep into the mattering mindset in love, how to recognize when you're being chosen out of love versus convenience, how to stop chasing validation, and how to build relationships that make you feel seen, valued, and truly secure.
If you're tired of second-guessing your worth in love, this conversation will change everything. Welcome to Passion Struck. Hi, I'm your host, John R. Miles, and on the show, we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you.
Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long-form interviews the rest of the week with guests ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries, and athletes.
Now, let's go out there and become Passion Struck. Hey there, Passion Struck family. Welcome to episode 579. Whether you've been with me for a while or this is your first time, this is where we challenge conventional thinking and create lives that truly matter. Earlier this week, we tackled two powerful conversations that reshaped how we think about influence on both a global and personal scale.
On Tuesday, I sat down with Edward Fishman, author of the new book, Choke Points, to break down the hidden power of global supply chains and how economic warfare is shaping the world around us. Then on Thursday, Dr. Sandra Max joined me to explore the fascinating world of digital psychology.
how the data we generate every day is being used to influence, predict, and even manipulate our behaviors in ways we don't always realize. And today we're bringing it back to something even more personal, the way we experience love. Last time in part one of The Mattering Mindset in Love, we explored why mattering is the foundation of every great relationship.
We talked about how your self-worth shapes the love you accept, the danger of chasing validation instead of real connection, and how to recognize when you're investing in the wrong person. But that was just the beginning. Because today, we're diving deeper into the conversations that most people avoid. The ones that determine whether a relationship is built to last.
Have you ever wondered, am I being chosen or am I just convenient? Does my relationship actually make me feel secure or am I constantly questioning where I stand? If nothing changed, would I still be happy in five years? These are the questions that separate settling from thriving. In this episode, I will break down the commitment conversation. Are you being chosen or just strung along?
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Chapter 2: What is the 'Mattering Mindset' in love?
Dr. Marissa Franco is one of the world's leading experts in human connection, a New York Times bestselling author, psychologist, and TED speaker. And we discussed human connection on episode 207. And she told me, we are wired for connection, but we've been conditioned to believe only romantic love matters. And that keeps us stuck in unhealthy dynamics.
Believing we're failing if we don't have a romantic partner. But she told me the happiest people in the world build entire communities of love, not just one relationship. If clarity scares someone away, they were never truly invested. And this is the important part. The right person will want to have these discussions because they value you. So here's a key question you have to ask yourself.
Do I feel safe bringing up my needs in this relationship? Because if you don't feel safe talking about commitment, that is your answer. So now I want to get into something really important. It's a mistake we all make. Listening to words instead of watching actions. And this is something that I wrote about in my book, Passion Struck, in a chapter I called People Speak With Their Feet.
If someone truly wants you in their life, you won't have to guess. Let me say that again because it's so important. If someone truly wants you in their life, you won't have to guess. And I talked about this with relationship experts John Kim and Vanessa Bennett on PassionStruck. Vanessa shared that early in her relationship with John, she could feel him pulling away.
And instead of chasing him, she made a powerful decision. She told him, John, I know I'm awesome, and I know what I bring to the table. If you don't want it, that's fine, but I need to know. And that is self-worth in action. Because being chosen isn't enough. You need to make sure you are truly choosing too. So here are some signs that you're settling.
you're constantly questioning where you stand. You hesitate to bring up commitment because you're afraid it will scare them away. You feel like they choose you only when it's convenient, but disappear when it's not. And John admitted at the time he wasn't sure what he wanted. He was caught between uncertainty and emotional resistance. And this is something a lot of people experience.
They like you, but they're not ready for real commitment. They care, but they're not willing to show up consistently. They enjoy spending time with you, but they're still keeping their options open. And here's the truth. If someone is unsure about you, they are not your person. And this leads me into another key topic. The difference between being chosen out of love versus convenience.
It really gets down to the fundamental question, are they choosing you because they love you or because it's easy? Dr. Franco explains that too many people stay in relationships out of fear, fear of being alone, fear of change, fear of the unknown, rather than because of true connection. When someone chooses you out of convenience, you need to understand that the relationship is built on habit.
not effort. They stay because it's familiar, not because it's fulfilling. They stay out of comfort, not passion. They like having you around, but they're not actively building with you. They have the fear of being alone, not genuine love. You're a placeholder, not a priority. But when someone chooses you out of love, they show up with consistency, not just intensity.
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