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Chapter 1: What embarrassing car moment does Jonny share?
I'm Johnny Smith. I'm Richard Porter. And this is Smith & Smith, a podcast in which two friends talk about cars and many other things. Fiesta forever. You remember we sang All Night Long, in brackets, All Night. Yes. By Lionel Richie, off of the Lionel Richies. Yes. It came on the radio this morning.
Off of the Commodores.
Off of the Commodores. That's right, not the Holdens, or the computer from the 80s. Oh, yeah. So that was on the radio this morning, and it is a good song. It's uplifting, naturally.
Chapter 2: How does Lionel Richie influence party planning?
Yeah. But because it's all sounding quite Mardi Gras, and then he says, Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, we're going to have a party. And I thought... hang on a minute, I thought this was the party.
No, this is the pre-party.
Does this mean he hasn't started yet? Like to him, this hasn't began. This is just spooling up. It's not clear to me.
I hadn't thought about it. I'm slightly distracted because I realised that, and maybe this is because I'm from the north of England, I always think Mardi Gras is a bit like a gras that's a bit grumpy. Oh, you Mardi Gras. Cheer up, you Mardi Gras. What's wrong with you? A smile on your face.
I'd never heard of the term Mardy until that song by the Arctic Monkeys.
Yeah, yeah.
And then realised Mardy bum. It was like, I didn't know. And I'd lived in the north and I hadn't really heard Mardy. Must have escaped me.
I think it is a northern thing. Maybe even a Yorkshire thing that sort of bled across the Pennines, I'm not sure. But yeah, Mardy. Mardy's like, have we talked about this before, the word mither? which I think is a kind of Northwestern thing. Miser. Mither. Stop mithering.
Yes, you have. You have. I'd never heard of it.
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Chapter 3: What does Jonny plan for his daughter's first car?
It's kind of fussing, but sort of it's not quite exactly fussing. It's mithering. Mithering means mithering. But it seems to be a very region-specific word. So I try to use it sparingly.
Yeah, so Fiesta forever. Oh, yes. All night long. I still haven't decided whether or not, in Lionel's world, this isn't actually the party yet. If you think this is the party, we haven't even got started, which... Made me think, I love going to parties and I'd like to hold a party one day soon, but I just don't think I'm organised enough to ever get around to making the party.
And what I need is someone to orchestrate the party. I'd be all right at the party. I think I'd be good in the party.
Yeah.
But someone needs to help me sort it, really.
That's funny because I like parties. I like to think I'm pretty decent in a party environment. Yeah, I bet you are, Rich. But I'm not good to organise a party. Ironically, my wife is very good at organising parties, but she doesn't personally enjoy a party so much. Doesn't she? No. So my birthday the other week that you came to, it was a kind of party, wasn't it? A lunchtime, a gathering.
Yeah.
But, you know, there's sort of like, what, a dozen or so people there. And it was all very nice and had a lovely lunch. And my wife organised that beautifully without me knowing a thing about it, which I would just fail to do. But she would never want that organised for her either because she would just, she's just like, no, I'd rather just go at like one or two people.
She did a great job.
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Chapter 4: What are the challenges of buying a bicycle today?
I've finished this spreadsheet, but Lionel's here, so I'm going to chuck it all in the bin.
Well, I'm going to flush it down the lav before the cops knock on the door.
Yes.
Yeah, okay. So, yeah, it's hard to tell. Is he already having the party? This is like Lionel's preloading with a bottle of white light before he actually goes out.
That's what the song should be called. It should be called all night long in brackets preloading because he has admitted to himself he's not actually organised the party, but he's bloody going to one. He'll be a major part of it.
Perhaps this song was inspired by Lionel going down to the Londis to get the bottle of cheap but strong alcohol that would allow him to affordably preload. And on the outside of whatever it was, or a spa or something, it said, we're open all night long. And he thought, ooh, that's a good idea for a song.
Yeah. He was. He had a bottle of QC Sherry under one arm and under the other arm. QC Sherry. QC Sherry. And he was like, there was no White Lightning, but there was the one that sounded like White Lightning cider, but it wasn't called that. It was called White Ace. So he's got a two-litre opaque bottle of White Ace, which he's going to chill down.
But while he's waiting for it to chill down, he's doing the QC. Yeah, the QC Sherry Preload. Very well known in the 90s students.
Yeah, well, because I don't particularly like cider, as you know. Certainly not cheap cider. No. It tastes acidic to me and unpleasant. It's dangerous. It's dangerous, but it is cheap.
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Chapter 5: How does Jonny feel about the Avenger at Goodwood?
So yeah, I've decided I'm going to give it to her tomorrow when she finishes school and goes out with her friends and I'm going to take her for dinner.
Not to be a spoilsport dad, but wouldn't you be better waiting until you get the results and see whether there's a reward for academic excellence? Academic excellence.
Well, with my dad cap on, I've thought about this. I might have said it to you before. I was going to get the Beetle, which I did back in March time, February, March.
Yeah.
And then before her birthday in September, go through the car and do all the little jobs. It's got a couple of dents. There's a couple of bits and bobs. It needs a new head unit. You know, like little things. Tyres are old. And then I thought, no, do you know what? I'm going to give it to her in this state and say, this is your first car. It's not perfect, but it's damn pretty good.
And we together are going to improve it over the next few months over summer when you get a job. So that when you are 17, it will be like pudding and you'll know your way around it in basic terms. You'll be able to do some bits on it with me. That's what I hope. That's good.
I like that. But what about a menu of things? If you get an A in, I don't know, English, I will remove that dent. Here are the range of grades. Now, if you get these grades, you will get a basic stereo. It won't even have DAB. However, if you do higher than predicted in French, well, you can have DAB.
And you can just sort of escalate, you know, there's a scale and, you know, she gets... That's a really good idea. Are they still doing A's or is it all done on numbers?
No, it's nines. Nines is your kind of highest, really.
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Chapter 6: What is the legend of the TVR Speed 12?
So we might get some secondhand ones and replace those. So, yeah, that's what I'm doing, mate. Got no idea how that's going to go. But it feels weird. She's finishing school and... I know.
Gosh. Yeah. Well, speaking of wholesomeness and daughters, I suppose I, last weekend... my daughter wants to go for a bike ride. I don't have a bike at the moment. Oh. And so usually when she goes, can we go for a bike ride? I just sort of like jog alongside. Yeah. It's a beautiful day.
I said, well, let's go down to... There's an old railway line that sort of goes through Bath Bath and has been turned into a path. And it's nice and smooth and flat. And it's just a nice cycling environment. And I suddenly thought, well, actually our boy's bike is...
pretty much big enough for me to ride so i've jacked the saddle right up now it wasn't perfect but it did the job and we rode along the old railway line just the two of us together and it was it was so frigging wholesome it was just like this is lovely i need to get a bike you do and then i suddenly realized you know if i need to get a car well you know
roll my sleeves up and dive into what's out there and what what i can get i just realized i know nothing about bicycles i used to know more i used to be quite into mountain bikes but then i learned to drive and that all sort of went away and now i'm just clueless and i'm sort of and someone had said to me a while ago and i said i feel like i should get a bike because my kids are
And they said, don't buy a new one because there are loads of good bikes on places like Facebook Marketplace. As long as you're confident they've not been nicked. Lots of middle-aged men sort of over-spec a bike, ride it five times and then sell it for a quarter of its value and stuff. So just keep your eyes peeled. But I started looking and I was like, I don't even know what I'm looking for.
No. I just, it's a baffling minefield of just stuff. Is this good? Do I want hydraulic brakes? Do I not? Is it just more stuff to go wrong? I honestly don't know. And I got kind of slightly overwhelmed and just kind of closed the laptop. I went, I'll come back to that.
No, I'm with you. It's harder to buy a bike now than it is a car in terms of the so many new genres of bikes. Yes. And that you can easily spend money that 30 years ago if I'd said, oh, yeah, it'll be quite common for people to spend 10 grand on a bicycle. I'd say you've got to be out of your mind.
Yeah.
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Chapter 7: How do parental substitutes for swear words affect songs?
It's a car and a bike. That's like a car with a bike in the back or on the roof. Yeah, yeah. So I would say one of your friends will statistically have an interest in cycling. I would say eBay and all the other places are your friend. I bought Wesson's mountain bike for his birthday last year, a really amazing spec bike, and it had been kept beautifully. And I got it so much less.
I think it cost about, I think it was nearly a tenth of what it was worth. Yeah. And if I hadn't told him it was used, he would have presumed it was brand new. It was mega. Yeah. But, of course, it's at this point, because of the podcast that we do, I ought to recommend that you buy a mountain bike with no name.
And I did see a couple. I saw a couple on Facebook Marketplace. Well, I should just buy that because it's very on brand for our podcast. But they were they were quite far away.
You need a you need a like a short distance janky one that you can leave outside Londis when you're buying some cans and it won't get stolen. But then you buy the other one, which is a better quality product. ride with better gears and you actually keep it indoors, that kind of thing.
I believe, because you're right as well, types of bike is another weird thing because I don't think there were hybrid bikes. There were basically racers and mountain bikes and then those other ones that are neither, that are just sort of bikes.
And folding ones for London commuters, which no one looks cool on, nobody. It's the same as electric scooters. Nobody looks cool on them. And I don't care what you say, you still look a bit of a prick.
Yeah, Brad Pitt, Harry Styles would look like a total spod on a folding bike. It's impossible not to. You just look like you're riding an insect, I always think.
saddle up my daddy long legs and off we go yeah it's those those really long wheelbase bikes that the people put kids in the back of a sort of pickup bed kind of thing oh they always look really heavy and uncontrollable because the wheels are too small what are they called they've got a name yeah i know they didn't exist yeah you know 20 years ago 30 years ago they've got as i'm aware no they've got like a cat those cargo bikes have got like a cantilever steering that's it
Yes, they are a bit like cargo bikes.
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Chapter 8: What interesting encounter did Jonny have with Carl Cox?
That's true. I do. Yeah. You like hot rods. I do. Yes, I do.
But you also like... porsche 911s and so i have in our pretend world this week got you this it's a 1969 porsche 911e hot rod oh and it's in that is that bahama yellow i'm not sure it's a yellowy orangey sort of color i love that very period i know i love that color it's mostly what drew me to it first of all
Yes, I like that. Well, my little Enfield electric drag car was Lambretta Oka, GP Oka or something. And it looked slightly orange to a lot of people, but it was supposed to be a dirty yellow.
I've just seen it in the description. This is Bahama Yellow. So yeah, it was a US spec 1968 911E, but... In the mid-90s, it was given a full restoration and converted to right-hand drive. Okay. It was originally a 2-litre. It's now been given a 3-litre SC engine and a Type 915 gearbox, a later gearbox, with an LSD and strengthened internals.
It was rebuilt again in 2016 to that spec with upgraded damper suspension, turbo tie rods, turbo steering rack, Weltmeister tower strut brace, Bilstein dampers, later aluminium radius arms, larger bearings, RS spec roll bar, abraded torsion bars, adjustable spring plates, SC calipers front and rear, braided hoses. It looks... pretty much like a standard late 60s 911. Oh, my gosh.
It sits really nicely, because I guess that suspension's a little bit lower.
Yeah, you absolutely swine of temptation. And it's got some really radiant tartan going on inside.
That's it. The interior is excellent also. But for me, the icing on the cake is that... It says in the ad, there's some previous owner history, including claims of past track adventures and driver days shared with heroes such as Sterling Moss, Derek Bell, Dickie Atwood and Vic Elford. And they've all autographed the manual. What? Yeah.
A manual signed by five-time Le Mans winner Derek Bell in your exquisite late 60s hot-rodded Porsche. Late 60s. I reckon this thing will go like a bastard because it's going to be light, isn't it? They're not very heavy at all, those cars.
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