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Chapter 1: What is the silent crisis of men's mental health?
There's an old saying that almost every single one of us grew up hearing, and that saying is, man up, tough it out, big boys don't cry. Maybe you heard it on the playground after you scraped your knee, or maybe you heard it from your dad or a coach or somewhere in the culture told you, hey, man up, tough it out, big boys don't cry.
And maybe now we tell it to ourselves when our lives feel like they are spinning completely out of control. and then we suffer in silence. Before we jump straight into the episode, I wanna share the absolute best ways to support the work we're doing here. And the absolute best way is through Patreon.
Chapter 2: What are the main triggers of male suicide?
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Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to another episode of the Something for Everybody podcast.
Chapter 3: How do societal expectations redefine masculinity?
My name is Aaron Mashpitz, and this solo episode is all about men's mental health. And I want to share a different truth with you today. Those exact words that I just mentioned, man up, tough it out, big boys don't cry. Those exact words, they are the trap. They brand silence as a form of strength. and they turn isolation into some sort of badge of honor.
Maybe you do or you don't know, but June is Men's Mental Health Month. And today in this episode, we need to have a conversation that we as men are terrifyingly bad at having. We need to talk about the silent crisis that is quite literally killing us at a very, very rapid rate. We aren't going to talk about some sort of abstract sadness or surface level stress.
We are going to look directly at the monster in the room, male suicide. Because if we don't look it in the eye and bring it to light, we cannot defeat it.
Chapter 4: What statistics highlight the severity of male suicide?
There is no other way. If you are struggling right now or if you love a man or know a man who is quietly drowning behind the mask of I'm fine or I'm just tired, this episode and this information is for you. So let's first look
at the data, to understand sort of the context of this situation, because numbers don't lie, even when society tries to look away, even when people try to minimize the suffering of men, even when people try to say, oh, it's fine, men will figure it out, they'll just tough it out, they'll be okay. No, the numbers do not lie.
According to the latest data from the Centers for Disease Control, the CDC, and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, nearly 49,000 Americans die by suicide every single year. But when you break those numbers down by gender, the reality becomes even more staggering, and this is really what we're specifically talking about. Out of those nearly 49,000 deaths, roughly...
39,000 of them are men. So men account for about 80% of all suicide deaths. In fact, the suicide rate among males is nearly four times higher than it is among females. While women, yes, are statistically more likely to report severe depression and attempt suicide, men are far more likely to die from it.
And if we look closer at who's hurting the most, let's look at these numbers past the 80% and past the four times, right? The rate for men over the age of 75 and 80 is the, excuse me, 75 and 85 is the highest of any demographic reaching over 40 people per 100,000. but it's also a young man's crisis. Suicide remains the second leading cause of death for young men aged 15 to 34.
So this isn't like a minor cultural trend. This isn't something that we can just ignore and it'll get better. This is an epidemic of despair.
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Chapter 5: How does identity loss contribute to male mental health issues?
This is an epidemic of loneliness. This is an epidemic of a loss of identity, right? Or not understanding what true masculinity really is. We are losing this. fathers, sons, brothers, and best friends every single day in staggering numbers, every single day, every single day, 80% of all suicides are men.
Again, we're losing fathers, sons, brothers, best friends, leaders, you know, religious leaders, community leaders, all these types of things. And yet the cultural default is still to say, Oh, men will get over it. Men will just be just fine. He seemed totally fine last week. Oh, he seemed so okay. He seemed like he had everything together. Why?
Because the hardest part for a man isn't dealing with the pain. The hardest part is admitting that the pain actually exists. Listen to that one more time. The hardest part for a man isn't dealing with the pain. We can deal with the pain. But the hardest part actually is admitting that there's actually pain there, that I'm actually suffering, that I'm actually drowning. And how do I tell someone?
Chapter 6: What role do relationship breakdowns play in male suicide risk?
How do I overcome it? And what's the pathway forward to that? What choices can I make? Because I always have agency over my choices. And we have to remind men of that over and over and over again. And so there's a very powerful TEDx talk called The Silent Crisis of Men's Mental Health. It was by an advocate and counselor named Dustin Hogan.
And he talked about something that completely shifts how we should view this or how we can view this potentially. He noted that from the time we are boys, young boys, we are conditioned to believe that asking for help is some sort of admission of failure. I know you've heard this before, but this is the actual truth. It is not an admission of failure to ask for help.
Asking for help is actually the only pathway forward to create great relationships, and great relationships are the cornerstone for a great life. Think about how we build our identity as men. We are taught that we must always, no matter what, be the rock, the provider, the protector, the unemotional, self-reliant lone wolf. Now, in some instances, those things are true.
In some instances, you must be the rock, the provider, the protector. But there's also time and place for you to take care of yourself, for you to unload your burdens, for you to ask for help. You don't have to be the self-reliant lone wolf, I can't say that word right now, lone wolf who carries everyone's burdens all the time, no matter what.
That's not a pathway to become the best version of yourself in greatest service of the world.
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Chapter 7: How can vulnerability be seen as a strength for men?
That is a pathway to become completely exhausted, tired, and deep in your own suffering, feeling like there's no fucking way out. And so in life, there is a both and situation. That's what makes a great man, the warrior poet. And so we have to learn how to sort of break some of these patterns while also keeping the powerful aspects of masculinity that make us great men.
That's why it's a warrior poet. right? When a woman potentially goes through a deeply traumatic breakup, maybe financial ruin, or a severe bout of depression, society generally encourages her to gather around her friends, crying out and talk. And maybe that's healthy for them in that regard.
But when a man goes through that exact same thing, because we will go through traumatic breakups, and we'll get our heart broken, and we'll have financial ruin, and we'll feel like we're suffering or feel like we're nobody or a
feel like we're a burden or we'll get fired from our job or we won't be able to take care of our family or we won't be able to see our kids or we'll go through a divorce or whatever sort of traumatic event or painful event is happening to you. So a man might go through any of those things. What does he do or what is he encouraged to do? He goes dark.
opens up a bottle, buries his face in work or logs into a video game or does porn or isolate or opens a bottle again. Those things are sort of more culturally acceptable for men rather than potentially gathering around your friends or your support group, talking to people.
You know, exercising, walking, eating better, moving, sleeping, maybe potentially crying out because the more that you bottle up, the more that you bottle up, the more that has to come out at some point and you some at some point will explode.
And maybe there's a both and situation here because how women treat their mental health and how men treat their mental health are different because we are different. But men generally lead to this, dark room, drinking, porn, bury the face in work, log into video games more often, really just isolate.
And then that is not the pathway forward because the bridge to a great life, the bridge to living the good life is two things. great health and great relationships.
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Chapter 8: What actionable steps can men take to improve their mental health?
Yes, life is more complicated than that, but if you simplify it down, that's what we really need to focus on, great health and great relationships, because those things are the foundation for us when we feel like we're really suffering. So we can ask for help. We can take care of ourselves. We can do both things at the same time, especially when we feel our worst.
But a man feels like, because if he tells his friends, he does actually fear they will look at him differently. They will look at him like he's weak or soft. If he tells his partner he fears she will see him as weak or not as attractive and not a protector and not a provider anymore. All of these thoughts run through a man's head when he's even contemplating thinking about asking for help.
Because that is our biggest fear, being seen as useless, being seen as weak, and being looked at differently because of what we might be sharing, even though sharing things and being vulnerable with the right people at the right time is a superpower. And asking for help is the most important thing we can do because, again, that's how we build our relationship with ourself and with other people.
So a man will carry this massive, crushing weight completely alone, especially maybe after going through a traumatic event, a divorce, financial crisis, breakup early in your life, whatever the case may be. And it's sort of the fatal design flaw of this lone wolf mentality. But the thing is, the truth of the matter is healing cannot happen in isolation. It is impossible. It is impossible.
Again, there might be times in your life where you go at it with the lone wolf mentality, the provider, the protector, all these things are, there are duties that men have. And I believe in those duties. I love those duties. I want to be a provider. and a protector for my family, for my son, for my wife. That's a beautiful thing.
But at the same time, I wanna be able to heal from stuff and ask for help and go to my buddies and have support systems and be able to do those things where I don't have to carry every single burden all the time, alone, all day. because I want to unload those burdens. I want to feel a little bit lighter. And that's where asking for help is beautiful. That's where vulnerability is beautiful.
And that's why healing cannot happen in isolation. Another thing that Dustin Hogan pointed out in his TED Talk, and he said, point blank, basically, we've heard this before, vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. And I define vulnerability maybe a little bit differently than most, but vulnerability is the combination of courage and truth.
because you're sharing something that could get you caught. It's not caught, that someone could use to potentially hurt you later on. Of course, we've all been through that, right? You share something vulnerable with someone and they use that to get one up on you or they stomp you or they throw your heart into the fucking, and they stomp on your heart.
All these types of things that happen when we are vulnerable. But on the other side of actually being vulnerable, is a beautiful relationship that we can have. And so being courageous and truthful is vulnerability. Vulnerability is not some sort of weakness. It's not weeping at every corner. It's not sharing all your feelings all the time with everyone all day.
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