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Chapter 1: What is the concept behind 'Strangers on a Bench'?
hello sorry to bother you um can i ask you a slightly odd question um i'm making a podcast um called strangers on a bench where essentially i talk to people i don't know on benches for 10 or 15 minutes um are you up for that do you want to give it a go You feeling ready? Yes, ready. Superb. Yeah, if there are any questions you don't like, just say, don't like it. Okay. Do you need a safe word?
The word that came to my head was pineapple, but I feel like it's just... It's a good word. It's a good word. Yeah, I'll just say pineapple. I'm ready. Do you have a favourite day of the week?
Chapter 2: How does the guest feel about their favorite day of the week?
Wednesday. Straight in there, no doubt. Yeah. I don't work Wednesdays, that's why. You don't work Wednesdays? No. I don't work weekends either, but I think there's something different about having a day off in the week. Because even coming here, it's a lot more peaceful than if I came on the weekend. Yes. It feels that little bit nicer. You're on your own special island. Exactly.
And we're on an island as well. Exactly. An island on an island. Exactly. Although I wish it was an island that had nicer sand, nicer weather. But yeah. Well, there's no sand in London. No, not in London. There's a bit by the Thames. If you're lucky. If you go down, that's not... No, not dipping my toes in the Thames. I don't think that sounds nice.
Have you ever touched the Thames with your hands? No.
Chapter 3: What emotions does the guest associate with water and rain?
No. How do you feel when you look upon a river like that? The Thames, I don't know how to say, like water in general, I think it's quite peaceful to see water. But you look at the Thames and then you see the boats coming past. Then you see the colour of the water and yeah. But I can appreciate water. I just find water quite peaceful. And when you hear water, I like the sound of water.
I find that quite peaceful. Like a dripping tap? Maybe not a dripping tap because that means something's wrong. But like a waterfall or even rain. I love rain. Oh, do you? The sound of rain. That's my go-to when I'm at home and I just need a bit of sound in the background. Especially in the evening, I play rain. Play rain? Yeah. Well, you just type in rain? Yeah. Rain sounds. Rain sounds, yeah.
There's so many playlists with rain sounds. I mean... You know, if you had to get particular about, you know, your type of rain sound that you favour, what would you say? Just like a light drizzle. Like, it's that feeling of being inside and the rain just hitting the window. Can you trace why you find it peaceful? Do you think you didn't have an answer?
Yeah, my life, or sometimes your brain just feels like it's always working at 100 miles per hour. So I think just anything that just slows it down. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah. And then so when you see it's raining, if you wake up one morning, you see it's raining outside. Yeah. Do you just feel joyous? Yeah, I like it. I mean, I feel more joyous when I see sunshine. Yeah.
Chapter 4: How does the guest cope with anxiety and stress?
But I'm not that person, you know, when someone sees it's raining, they're like, oh, it's raining. I just like, I don't know. Oh, it's raining. Beautiful. And it's so natural, isn't it? Like, we need rain. Definitely. So when you put it on, you say you need to de-stress or just calm down. What's making you stressed at the moment?
So, like, I lost my husband three years ago and I have moments where my anxiety can be quite heightened or my emotions are quite heightened and I just need to bring it down and just have a moment and I think, yeah...
rain sounds or even just sitting here and you just hear the wind I don't know if it's a distraction of you connect to the sound and therefore it just brings you that calm and I think going through something like that I've had to try and find those things that do bring me that peace and that calmness and yeah I just need moments where it just feels like it can just stop for a moment and I can just concentrate on that one thing yeah yeah
So prior to losing your husband, rain sounds weren't part of your life, this is after? No, this is after, yeah. What would your husband think of this, your rain sound affection? Probably think I'm a bit bonkers, but then I would then play it and he would be like, oh, actually, yeah, yeah, this is good. That happened with a lot of things with my husband.
There was things he's like, nope, don't get it. And then he'd be like, enjoying it, but he wouldn't say it. But he'd definitely think I was a little bit bonkers. There's nothing wrong with bonkers. Did he have any bonkers in him? Oh, yeah, yeah, 100%. What was his bonkers fix? Oh, that's a good question.
I feel like just the way he did things, like he would cook a meal and use every single utensil. possible get them all out all out and i'm just like it'd be a rolling pin being used and there's no baking or anything yeah that's what i loved about him he was just a bit bonkers and a bit but i feel like i was a little bit bonkers so we just both worked it just worked yeah yeah how did you meet
Work. We met through work. And then I think he was trying to go out with me a few times. I was like, oh, should we go out? And I was like, no, I'm busy. No, I'm going out with... And like I said, going out with someone else that was at work. And then that person would come to me later and be like, apparently we're going out. Yeah, apparently we're going out somewhere.
And then eventually we just went to the cinema and for a Nando's. And then from there we just... What film did you see? It was a Fast and Furious, but I can't remember which one. There's a lot of them. Yeah, there's loads. It was 2013. So it's whichever one came out that year. 2013. Were you focused on the film or focused on him? What was the vibe?
I think I was focused on the film, but that was more because I hadn't seen the one before that. So I didn't know what was going on. They're just being really fast and really furious. Yeah. And when we went for Nando's, I remember him, he was saying, oh, on a first date, you never eat anything that gets stuck in your teeth or you have to eat with your hands and gets messy.
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Chapter 5: What was the significance of the guest's relationship with their husband?
Yeah, exactly. And that's what I say about being bonkers. Yeah, it was then I was like, do you know what? I like this guy. He's funny. What was the moment after that where, I mean, maybe it was that moment, but like where you felt something kind of click and like this is a extra special connection? I think it was...
when I went through a situation with some friends and this was at like the beginning when we started dating and he was very supportive of it and very good at listening and I was really like emotional and stuff and I think it was in that moment I was like it doesn't matter my flaws or who I am this guy just likes me for what he sees kind of thing and I think I was always that person that
just felt like I was in the background. And I think I compensated that sometimes for being loud and stuff. And I just felt in that moment, I was like, oh, this person just likes me for who I am. I can just be me kind of thing. And I think that was the moment when I was like, yeah, this feels right. How was work?
I mean, being at work with him after you started seeing each other, what was that like? Yeah, that was one of my worries, was work and then personal and, you know, blurring those lines. But actually, it was actually fine. Did people know? Yeah, yeah, no, we did tell people because... Did you have to tell people straight away?
I mean, like, say, oh, we're going on dates, or did you wait until you were actually, like, an official couple? So I think we waited until we were an official couple, and we told the manager, because we were different levels, and he was like, yep, happy, that's fine, thank you for letting me know. And then I think the rest just came either we told people or people just knew, like...
They saw you in the stationery cupboard. Exactly, exactly, exactly. Pretending we were in there to get pens. The notepad. I think I've run out of pens again. And they'll be like, use a computer. I love it. And then fast forward, you're getting married. Yes. How long, what are we talking? So I got married in 2016. Okay, so that's 10 years ago. Yeah, 10 years ago this year. And it was...
What was the wedding like? It was wonderful. It was chaotic. Yeah, it was just so wonderful. Actually, before we get to the date, just realise, proposal? Yeah, so the proposal was quite interesting because it was his 30th and I planned this surprise. Well, I thought it was a surprise. You were planning a surprise for his 30th? For his 30th. Got it.
But he had told his best friend that he wanted to propose. So his best friend said, oh, she's planning this surprise 30th for you. Reverse surprise. Yeah. Why didn't you surprise her with the proposal? So all our family came together, did the surprise thing. He pretended he was shocked. He was like, oh, my God.
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Chapter 6: How did the guest's perspective on grief evolve over time?
Then later on, the cake comes out. We sing happy birthday. And then I think I was, yeah, I wasn't facing. And then everyone was like, oh.
and I was like what's going on what's going on and I turned around and he was on one knee proposing and I just froze and he asked the question and I just froze like I didn't and then my mum had to give me a little you need to answer and I was like kind of like intense yeah can you can you describe like what was kind of going through your mind at that moment I was like confused no I'm I'm doing the surprise like and then I think
It was that moment of realising, wow, this person wants to be with me for, you know, the rest of my life kind of thing. We'd spoken about marriage, but I'd never said I want to get married. I never said I didn't. So I think it shocked me. And then I think everybody was just looking at me and I was just like, all these eyes on me kind of. How did that feel?
It's like it went silent but you can see all these eyes on you and it's like I was in slow motion and I could just see all these people looking at me and making faces but I couldn't hear the noise and then I think it was until my mum tapped me and then I was like back in the room kind of thing. I think it was the next day when it hit me and it was so lovely to just be with friends and family.
I think that just followed through into our wedding. We just wanted it to be really meaningful to us and be how we wanted it to be. And it was, yeah, it was perfect. Back to the proposal for a second. At what point did you say yes then? I'm assuming you said yes. Maybe you delayed. I did, but it was like a yeah. It wasn't a yes. You were trying to get words out.
Yeah, and I don't know if my mum hadn't given me that nudge, I don't know how long I would have been standing there frozen. It's funny, I was just thinking as you were talking about it, of all the questions you were asked, It's one of the ones where you probably should deliberate it for the maximum amount of time. And it's funny to think, in the setup, you actually get no time to think about it.
It's so true. Just realise. And, you know, you do see and hear people that go away from it, and then now they've had time to, like, think about it, and they're like, oh, I think I might have made the wrong decision. And it's so true. Anything, I think, life-changing, we do, like, say, I need to go and think about that. Can I have a moment? Yeah.
Kind of something so life-changing you have to answer in that moment. And even more so, I suppose, how many eyes do you think were on you? Exactly, exactly. That's also very niche as an experience, this idea of being asked a question and people waiting for you to say the answer. But, like, en masse, like, a lot of people looking, you know?
Yeah, I guess that pressure of... There's a room now of people that you can either make happy or make upset rather than just one person. But I think... He knew that it was the right time. He knew it was the right kind of occasion. And it was because it was so nice to then be able to do that with people that you love. Yeah.
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Chapter 7: What memories does the guest cherish most about their husband?
And have them around you. So it's definitely memorable. Yes, definitely memorable. Yes, definitely. And I think even amongst my friends and family, it's still very memorable because even when he was down on one knee, so he had a T-shirt on. that people were like signing, like putting messages on. And as he went down on one knee, his nan was like, no, this is my time to write my message.
He's nice and low. I can write my message. Brilliant. Whilst he's proposing, she's just there. She rocks up. She's just there writing. Hold that thought. This is the perfect level. Yeah, and even in the pictures, you can see he's on one knee and his nan's just on his back with the pen, signing the top. And that's what I love about it. It's like, it's a thing we can laugh about and talk about.
Beautiful. And then let's fast forward to the wedding. Lots of questions one can ask about wedding but can you think of the bit of it that you remember but is not necessarily a spectacular moment but a kind of a gentle kind of mundane moment of it like a moment that for some reason stayed with you? I think it was I remember I went to the toilet and it was just me. And it's like a busy day.
There's people all around you from like six in the morning. And I remember it was just me in the toilet. And I think I just looked in the mirror. I don't know, it was that realisation of like, this is one of the happiest moments of my life. and just looking at myself and being happy.
I never shared that with anybody, but I think it was just that moment for me, that realisation of... I'm happy, and this is happy, and... Sometimes you just don't know where you're going to be at a certain age. I don't know, sometimes we have these plans that we think, oh, by this age I'm going to be doing this. And I didn't have any of that.
And I had all these things that, you know, my friends were doing, I wasn't doing. And I was like, I don't know what my life's going to look like or what it's going to be. And just that moment of realising that.
like my life is okay and it's good and but sometimes you just have to let life just take you where it needs to take you and things will happen at the time that they need to um it was just having that time just me just me Great answer. It also counts probably for your favourite toilet moment as well. Yeah!
If I were to ask you what's your favourite moment in the toilet, that probably covers that one. That is exactly it. Two for the price of one. When you were looking at yourself in the mirror at that moment, you know with mirrors they tend to be around our spaces, we look at them every now and again and kind of check in with ourselves.
Do you think in a sense you're checking in with yourself all the way down the line? It's like you're speaking to all the different versions of yourself somehow. Exactly that. Almost like you were speaking to the journey as well. Exactly that. And I felt like it was me talking to younger me and just saying, see, everything is okay kind of thing. We did it. We did it. Exactly. We did it.
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Chapter 8: How does the guest envision their future after loss?
And then I think It was a moment where I looked at the beauty, just the beauty of my life and the beauty of the moment. And I think sometimes we don't stop to do that. When you look in a mirror now, what are you saying to yourself now?
So I think now I would see a bit of sadness to do with the things I've gone through in the past few years, but also that sadness of looking and feeling like I'm missing those moments, those moments of...
enjoying that time in your life or something you've gone through and I feel like now I look in the mirror and I do the opposite rather than thinking and looking and being like do you know what I'm here like I'm going for a walk or it's a nice day I kind of look at it as it's just me I just see me this lonely figure and I do have people but I think I
Yeah, I visualise my life and myself very different to that day, you know, nearly 10 years ago. Like just now talking about the wedding day engagement and I'm like, there are, I have had some joyous moments and they're still a snapshot.
now by just talking about it and actually it's not gone like it feels like yeah but you take that picture and then it's erased but actually those those pictures are still there those memories are still there it sounds like you know they're still very much a part of you yeah but now there are a few other parts yes and when you looked in that mirror on that day there wasn't anything else but the kind of pure joy of it exactly but I think it's
finding pockets of joy in those moments that maybe don't feel it, kind of. Do you know, you know, it could be a sad day, but the sun's shining, and actually, oh, the sun's shining. That's so nice. And just finding those little bits of joy, and I think that's what I'm learning to do and appreciate. Yeah. Where are your pockets of joy now?
If you could give your last little pocket of joy that you experienced, what would it have been? I think... stuff like this. Like just here, when I sit here and I look out and I just appreciate what is on my doorstep and then naturally that will give me some joy or I don't know, something silly like I'll cook a dinner. And, oh, like I made this kind of, and it tastes good.
Those little things that happen that aren't big, but actually you can find joy in them. And they're the things that I have learned to appreciate more than the bigger things. Like the bigger things are still important, but I think we forget about the little things that actually mean just as much. I feel like half of experiencing joy is just kind of looking out for it, I suppose. Yes.
Yeah, that meal tonight could be joyous, not just a meal. So true. Are there any kind of pockets of joy you're wanting to... What's not a pocket? Like a full bag? Yeah, I don't know. Do you know why I think I say pockets? Because it's... In between bits. Yeah, and it's just finding every moment you can, rather than those big moments.
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