Chapter 1: What challenges did Ciarán O'Driscoll face growing up?
This week I sit down with Ciarán O'Driscoll, a man who has lived through more than most and come out the other side. Ciarán has been sober since 2002, but his story begins long before that. Growing up in a home affected by alcoholism, taking his first drink as a child, falling into drugs at a young age, and by 17 he was in Cork prison. In and out of institutions for years,
carrying pain, anger, and deep self-hatred. He lost his brothers. They were twins. He lost his mother. And at one point, he lost himself completely. But something changed. Through fate, through becoming a father, through hitting rock bottom and choosing something different, Ciarán found a way back. This is a story about addiction, about grief, about accountability.
But more than anything, it's a story about hope. Because no matter how far you fall, there is always a way back.
Chapter 2: How did addiction impact Ciarán's life and relationships?
And as always, this episode is proudly sponsored by ADHD Now, the online clinic transforming ADHD assessment and care across Ireland. If you are seeking an ADHD assessment or support, visit ADHDnow.com today. This is The Comeback with Ciarán O'Driscoll. Ciarán, lovely to have you.
Thanks for having me.
I'm sensing a small bit of anticipation here.
I suppose it's my first time doing anything like this, like, you know?
Yeah, yeah. You'll go on, yeah?
I usually do everything in the background, you know? Everything was done in the background, like, you know? And if I can help someone, you know, if I can help someone here today.
And you're helping a friend of mine's friend at the moment. Very, very kind to them. Really, really kind. So, I mean, if you're doing that now for me, you're going to help so many other people listen to the podcast. Many people know you, but for those who don't know you, can you tell me a bit about yourself, where you grew up and what it was like?
Sure.
grew up in the north side of cork city i grew up in the kind of my father was an alcoholic like you know i grew up in a kind of a broken home you know mother was a lovely woman dad was an alcoholic and i was involved in sport i was involved in soccer gaelic football played a bit of hurling involved in an awful lot of stuff i was super shy i was super shy like growing up like you know so that's when substance alcohol and substance came into it like you know i i
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Chapter 3: What pivotal moments led to Ciarán's recovery journey?
I ended up in the mercy the following morning. And the same nurse, I think that was 94, the same nurse in 1997, I think about three years to the day, she stood over me again. Another time when I took tablets, I was after taking tablets and they were the wrong tablets like, you know. So I was always kind of looking for escape.
Was it an overdose or what was it? Or was it just the dodgy tablet?
It was a dodgy tablet. We were in Sir Henry's and I came over to Sir Henry's and people were starting to go home because we were only 15 at the time. People were going home and I was going home and it was very quiet where I was. Very quiet and my heart was pounding, like pounding out of my chest. And I hopped into a taxi and I went straight to there. They brought me to the Morsey Hospital.
uh i woke up the following morning i was near neon i woke up for the morning my mother was there with me like you know i'm not in her head and stuff like you know and um i swear i wouldn't do anything like you know i wouldn't do it anymore and stuff and i did it again i did it again i am i don't know was it fit in and stuff like you know um going around with people trying to fit in
I hung around with an awful lot of lads. There was an awful lot of suicide. But there would have been two lads. I was very close to who committed suicide. They would have been very, very good friends of mine. It would have affected me big time.
What age were you then?
One lad was, I was 20 and one lad, he was 19. And the other lad then, that was an active addiction. And the other lad then, I was, it was 2005. I was about three years clean and sober, you know, and took an awful lot of them out.
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Chapter 4: How did Ciarán's experiences in prison shape his perspective?
The second lad took an awful lot out of me as well. Then I had a load of other friends and buddies who committed suicide as well. Like I think Neil had a show one morning about it. including one of my own brothers, one of my own brothers ended his life as well at 33. So there was an awful lot of suicide around where I lived and stuff. But I got clean and sober in 2002.
I was engaged since I was 15. I was meant to go to Matt Albert and Gary Vaugh through Father Rocks. There was talk about me going to Portugal through the probation services. I was meant to go to Coolmine another time in 1999. It was the Jazz Weekend and I met a guy. They gave me in with the train tickets on the Friday of the Jazz Weekend.
I met a guy, an older guy, and I was telling him, I was telling him, look where I'm going. And he said to me, you know, they'll brainwash up there, Caroline. And whatever happened that weekend, whatever happened over the weekend, the Jazz Weekend, I forgot all about Goldmine Lake. And in two or three weeks time, again, I was in the height of trouble. I was in Ratmore Road then again.
It was Ratmore Road actually for the Millennium.
That's prison.
Yeah, in Cork Prison. I was in there for the Millennium.
What was the first age you were in a court prison? What age were you in court prison?
I was 17 the first time I was in court prison. I was in a men's prison at 17.
And what were you arrested for? What was the crime?
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Chapter 5: What role did faith play in Ciarán's recovery?
It's a juvenile one. It's a juvenile, that one, yeah. Like, at the time, it probably would have been a violent prison, like, you know, from anyone from the other side of the country. Like, you know, the dubs would take it out on you. So after a while, then you could ask for cop prison. When you went to court, you could say cop prison. Judge, could you change that to cop prison? And he would.
He changed it, so I started going to cop prison then, like, you know. I remember there was a guy I knew. He was a football manager of mine. He worked there. He wasn't a prison officer. He was... He walked in the stores, lovely man, and he met me in one of the landings, and he couldn't believe it. He was shaking his head, and he was going, what's after happening? What's going on?
I was confused, Brenda. I didn't know what was going on, really, for years. I was very, very confused. I suffered from trauma as well, like and stuff like, you know, and a lot of stuff happened to me in primary school as well. What teachers did to me and I lived with the primary school was near one of the classrooms I was in. I was in a couple of classrooms.
One of the classrooms I was in, there was a window looking straight down into the hall, into the home.
and they knew there was stuff going on in the home and stuff and the teachers took it out on me like they judged me and stuff and took it out on me and like they could pull me out of the class at half past nine in the morning put me into a storeroom next to the classroom for holding mop buckets and bleach and stuff And I'd turn the map upside down.
I'd sit in the map book for the whole day looking at the wall. Just looking at the wall and I could hear all the lads, the bells ringing. They're all going in and out of class and in and out of the yard and stuff. So I always knew I was going to be messed up.
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Chapter 6: How did becoming a father influence Ciarán's life?
I rebelled against society then, Brenda.
Did they have the door locked in the... They locked me in there, yeah. What year was that now?
It would have been, and that's not a long time ago, it would have been 89, 90, 91. Yeah.
How could you expect to have a normal childhood?
Yeah, I rebelled against society then, like. And then at the time, they were all going to Shorkan Island. There was a kind of marine place down there where there was all starfish. And I was only a kid at the time. I was 11, I'd say. They were all looking forward. There was a school tour now in the north side at that time. Like, the bus would pull in and stuff. And they wouldn't leave me going.
And they put me into a classroom. And I was looking out the window, watching them all going away on the bus. You know, that's what happened to me really. Then I went into secondary school. I didn't go to the local secondary school. All my friends went there, like, you know. I went to a place called Carrick-na-Vare.
And the reason they hold on to me, because I wouldn't have been a very good footballer, you know. I was handy at Gaelic football. I was just handy, that's all. For out there, like, you know, I wouldn't, I'd never say I was a very good footballer or a very good hurler. I was always kind of... In a soccer match, you get a 7 out of 10. You never get a 10 out of 10. You get a 7 out of 10 out of me.
I wouldn't have been very, very talented. But they kind of held on to me for a while and they let me go then as well. I remember there was... There was a music teacher out there. Some fella, at the time we were getting earrings, and some fella, they'd pop it into your ear, you know? They'd just pop the earring into your ear, force it in.
And the music teacher started, he said, take that decoration out of there. That was unusual for carrying the verb. It was a country school, like, you know? Guy with an earring. Take that, it was kind of a gold stud.
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Chapter 7: What insights does Ciarán share about helping others in recovery?
He said, take that decoration out of your ear or I'll take it out. And he started pulling at it and stuff like, you know, that was all I could remember there. There was nothing, there was no, I met good people out there. There was boarders and stuff. I met good lads out there. There was no kind of really bad experience out there.
But primary school, I'd have no, I'd have no, I'd have no good memories of primary school. I remember lads. Those lads caught me. They were changing it into a school for special needs. They were closing. They were putting the boys and girls together into one school. And the lads were going up. They were going up for a sentimental thing to walk around the door. I wasn't going there at the time.
And I was in recovery at the time. I still... When I went into Tabor Lodge, I blamed everyone. I blamed the area. I blamed my father. I blamed everyone for the way I was. Again, I was confused. I was mad to get in there. They had a file on me for years since I was 18. I went in there at 25. They had a file on me saying, you were meant to come this time. You were meant to come this 96, 99, 98.
When I was getting into trouble, You know, like I was getting into trouble, I'd go to the nuns, the local nuns where I lived. I'd ask Sister Enda, her name was, I'd ask her, I'd say, is there any chance you could get me any kind of help or something, you know, anywhere you could get me in?
And I'd go to the priest, I'd ask the priest another time, because I, like, the nun then, I'd kind of burn my bridges with the nun, because they'd be making calls to me and I wouldn't turn up. I'd have the best intentions, but when the time came, I'd run then again. I didn't want to face care on, like, you know, I'd run then again.
and and that went on for years like i was in and out of prison and i was inside prison and i speak to my mom and i put my hand in my heart and i'd say mom i promise you i'll never ever do this i'm going to get out i'm going to do a b and c i'll go to st john's college i'll go to the school of calm i'll try some course like you know i and i'll do my best
And I'd be in the educational unit most days and stuff. They'd all know me in the educational unit. All the teachers and the ex-teachers and the principal. He was a good man. And there was an addiction counsellor at the time who was very good to me, Noel McCarthy. He's passed since. He passed about two years ago. He was very, very good to me. I'd have the best intentions.
I'd turn up to his classes and everything. But when I got out, the anxiety, again, the shame of what I did, the fear.
When you come out of prison, it's kind of, because I always wonder, you know, and as well, Ciarán, there's not a lot of, you know, support for people when they leave prison at all. No, I know it's better, but back in your day, it was probably just like, you're out there, sort yourself out there. Would you have relapsed easily then because of the shame?
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Chapter 8: What message does Ciarán have for those struggling with addiction?
I can't remember what year that was.
2002, yeah. That would have been the jazz weekend, October 2002. And I came into recovery on the 10th of December.
And what was it about then that changed? What was your pivotal moment where you were like, I just can't do this anymore?
I was just, I was just sick of being sick, like, you know, sick of being, it was groundhog day. It was the same pain, it was the same confusion. It was the same misery. At the end, at the end, like it was, I was apologising for living. I used to be going up to ATM machines and if there was a queue behind me, I used to jump out of the way. And I used to, I used to say, they're important people.
I leave them go first now. I'm only a piece of dirt. And I waited a while then, until they're all gone. And I crawled back up to the machine then again. I went in on the 10th of December. I was at a removal. Again, there was another guy. He ended his life. I went to removal. It was a cold, frosty night. And I was walking along the road. And a car pulled in.
And they said, would you like to come back to the clubhouse? There was friends and family going back to the clubhouse. And I jumped into the car. I was a people pleaser as well, like, you know. Probably wanted people to like me and stuff, like, you know. Because I hated myself, like, you know. I hated what I'd become. You know, I hopped into the car and I went into the...
clubhouse you know the j clubs now they're full big hall massive hall full and um i wasn't after drinking for a couple of weeks and i wouldn't recommend anyone i was hiding i was isolating in the room and stuff like you know um and i the girl behind the bar knew me i was very very quiet as i said at the start i was super shy girl behind the bar knew me and she kind of looked up over the crowd and said are you all right and uh i drank a bottle of cider
got again i built up the courage to go back up the second time i was sitting on a stool like petrified again like you know built up courage got we got the second bottle drank half of it and then again i watched the door i said i have to make my escape i have to get over here i drank half that bottle and then i walked out i am i left that I was never in there, I don't think.
I was in there as a kid, as a young fella, going to discos in the big hall. Going to discos. I left that bar, I walked out and went into Table Lodge the following morning. My brother left there a couple of years later and he ended his life. He was never in there either and he ended his life. The same bear. Two of us were never in there. I went into the tabloid the following morning.
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