You're welcome, problems. Consider yourselves solved, thanks to The Daily Show's Resident Expert. Take a listen to some of our favorite visits from John Hodgman. Observe as John solves climate change, then explains executive privilege and unpacks the popularity of mixed martial arts. Next he breaks down recession indicators and fixes the economy. Finishing up, he tackles health care, and fixes once and for all the problems with the Catholic Church. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Chapter 1: What is the current situation regarding global warming?
We're going to shift gears just a little bit and talk about another pressing issue that's been in the news, global warming. There have been some recent disturbing reports on that front coming from the Arctic Circle. With more, we turn to our resident expert, John Hodgman. John, thank you so much for joining us. Appreciate it. Thank you. What is the general picture today concerning global warming?
Well, the consensus position among most scientists is it's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes.
Chapter 2: What do scientists believe about climate change?
Right. But why specifically do the scientists think that?
Oh, specifically. Well, new findings reveal that in the past five years, the glaciers around Greenland have melted at twice their previous rate. Now, this map shows the contours of the Arctic glacial masses as they exist today. But at this rate of glacial retreat, within only three generations, the seas could rise as much as a meter, changing the map dramatically.
When you say dramatically, you were... Talking about the change of the water level or... No, that explosion between the two of them. The maps? Yeah.
It was very dramatic.
That was a dramatic change. Yeah. The arrows on that chart, is that wildlife migrating?
No, those are unfrozen cavemen moving from place to place. We estimate that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply thaw and wander around, it's not a problem. But if they find a leader, a Captain Caveman, if you will, we will be facing an even more serious problem.
So the problems that you foresee with global warming are rising sea levels. Yes. And organized, flesh-eating cavemen.
Potentially organized, yes. And all because you didn't buy a hybrid car this year.
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Chapter 3: What are the potential threats posed by global warming?
Wow. Incredible, a small thing like that. It's like a butterfly effect, if you will.
I'm sorry. A what?
A butterfly, the butterfly, like the saying, a butterfly flaps its wing in China and causes a hurricane, say, in Peru.
Yeah, I don't think a butterfly could actually do that. Maybe a gigantic butterfly, like some kind of mothra-type creature, but that's a very different problem, and I want to assure you people that the mothra problem is something we have completely under control.
Uh... John, why isn't the government, our government, doing more to fight this global warming?
Well, this administration feels that the areas of the nation they're most concerned about, Houston, Sun Valley, Scottsdale, they'll all be just fine. Of course, Manhattan will be more or less a swim-up bar for Long Island and New Jersey, but basically that's what it is now anyway, so...
Is that why the administration doesn't urge us to drive less or reduce emissions or really anything?
Well, the president's position is the answer isn't regulation, but American ingenuity.
So we're just going to wait for someone to solve it?
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Chapter 4: What is executive privilege and how does it work?
It's... It's as simple as that.
Oh, yes. It's similar to claiming the fifth or, in medieval times, tagging a priest and yelling, sanctuary. At that point, the priest was it.
But presidents don't just invoke it to cover up something bad.
Well, think about it. How often will a president say, oh, my God, these memos prove I've behaved ethically throughout my term of office. Destroy them. No. Presidents invoke it in cases ranging from burglary to sex to racing dogs for money in the White House bowling alley.
Are you suggesting there was a president who raised dogs for money in the White House bowling alley?
No, I'm not suggesting it. That would violate executive privilege. Instead, I'm showing you this photo. You know, what makes bowling alley dog racing so exciting is that their paws don't get any traction on the wax.
You know, the White House bowling alley only has one lane.
1776.
Yeah, and Pluto's a planet. It goes all the way back to our so-called first president, George Washington, who cited it regarding foreign policy. So did Thomas Jefferson regarding his love letters to Aaron Burr. James Garfield claimed executive privilege to keep doctors from removing the assassin's bullet that was lodged in his innards for four months. Funny story about Garfield.
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Chapter 5: How has executive privilege been used historically?
Fascinating. Did you know that Richard Nixon owned one of the first cell phones in the United States?
Really?
Really? And we're back. Now, the reason presidents claim executive privilege is to protect the public from knowing how it's being governed. There's some truth you just don't want to know. It would be like walking in on your parents while they were having sex with one of your teachers. Scarring.
But obviously this president is claiming executive privilege because that's the only way he says he can get unfettered advice.
Well, there's something to that. I mean, here we are with all these people. We're not interacting in the same way we would be in private. Well, you know, John, I don't necessarily know about that. Oh, so you wouldn't mind if I played back our conversation that I taped earlier in your office this afternoon? What conversation am I talking about? I think you know the one.
Chuck, can we roll it, please?
Perhaps you should pick one out of the audience and strangle him. I think that's legal. Pick one from the standby line. Who will miss them? And remember, no more striped ties. Red tie tonight. Red. The color of blood. That'll show Jews, homosexuals.
I do stand by my advice, though, John, that the tie looks great.
John Hodgman, everybody. We'll be right back. America's hottest new pastime is something called mixed martial arts, or MMA. A few weeks ago, Ultimate Fighting, the sport's premier tournament, graced the cover of Sports Illustrated. Its weekly ratings now eclipsing those of NBA and baseball playoffs amongst young men. For more, I'm joined by our resident expert, John Hodgman.
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Chapter 6: What is the significance of mixed martial arts in today's culture?
Passive aggression is considered its own sport.
You don't really want to know. But mixed martial arts, as you might imagine, combines many different fighting techniques. A well-rounded fighter will combine many styles, or he can choose from a menu of up to 12 combat combos. I recommend the number five. It's judo. plus a side order of repeated elbow punching to the neck and unlimited fountain soda.
I don't recall that actually being... Combat combos, John. The important thing is, two men enter the ring, but only one man... Well, both men leave the ring, but only one of them does so, having won the fight. But I say ring, of course, because it's actually a cage, a cage that is shaped as an octagon.
Now, I read about that. Why is it that the cage is in the octagonal form?
Well, that's a good question. What do you think?
I don't really know. You were the expert, so I thought that... Think it through, John.
If you wanted people to fight in an eight-sided cage, wouldn't the natural choice of shape be an octagon? I'm not trying to embarrass you. It's just you ask me a question like that.
Let's let the octagon go. Let's just let it go. Why is this sport so popular all of a sudden?
Well, first of all, this is not stage. It's not professional wrestling or soccer. These are real men really going at it on the floor of an octagon. I mean, it's no wonder that millions of Americans are forsaking the bloated pomposity of older sports for Ultimate Fighting's more authentic brand of homoeroticism. Those moves are beautiful. That's dancing as much as it is fighting.
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Chapter 7: Why is the economy in a recession?
Camera one, take me back to the past. Wow. That was exciting.
That was a close one. And may I say, the special effects in the future are amazing.
Well, technology has advanced substantially by then.
Yes, it has. Did you find anything out about the recession while you were there?
Oh, no, no, I didn't find anything out. Oh, but Pamela Anderson gets married again. That woman is crazy.
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Chapter 8: How do we determine if we are in a recession?
Does it really matter whether we call it a recession or not?
Well, absolutely. You don't want to panic people. But it's just semantics. Well, exactly. Words matter, John. When people find out that their homes are being foreclosed, they're typically very sad. But if you tell them they're going camping... Forever... Money Beak, you're alive! Maybe the economy's turning around. Oh, no, no, he's still dead. I forgot. I put Money Beak on my ringtone.
Well, thank you very much, John. Money Beak? All right, we'll talk to you later.
John Hodgman, everybody. We'll be right back. For years, our good friend John Hodgman has served as The Daily Show's resident expert, mostly to promote his books, which are written by prison inmates and orphans. It's a pretty good scam. But with our nation and planet facing so many urgent problems, he has decided to use his expertise for the betterment of mankind in this new segment.
It's your welcome with John Hosman. John, so delighted that you've decided to use your powers for good. What problem are you going to solve tonight?
The economy, John. As you know, the country is on the brink of financial collapse. Exactly. John, no time for questions. Only bold, incomplete sentences. Credit, frozen. Retail sales, cratering. Problem, no consumer confidence. Let me ask you, John, what are the markets doing right now?
I believe they're crashing.
Right. And who do you need in a crash? Chesley Sully Sullenberger. He's the only one who can pilot this nation to the soft water landing we so desperately need. And so, witness our new currency, the Sully Buck. The Sully Buck. Globally, it's already more respected than the Euro. Plus, there's a built-in rewards program. For every 100 Sully bucks you spend, the Canadian goose is strangled.
And that's direct stimulus to the goose-packing industry. It's an excellent plan, but can't we... John, every time you talk, people are losing confidence. It's just like with Treasury Secretary Geithner. He spoke the other day, and Wall Street panicked. Yes, why did that happen? Well, let's take a look at the tape. We'll announce the details of this plan in the next few weeks. Sell! Sell!
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