John Oliver
Appearances
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
When it comes to trans athletes who've medically transitioned, studies of cis athletes are not necessarily relevant. A lot of medical gender-affirming treatments like hormone therapy have a meaningful impact on body and hormone composition. So the question then becomes, what do those impacts mean for athletic performance?
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
We spoke to scientists on all sides of this issue, and the one thing they actually agree on is that in part because the number of trans athletes is so small, the body of research specifically about them is extremely limited.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
comparing specific anatomical features like muscle mass in women who transition, but which don't directly speak to their impact on athletic performance. But we were only able to find 12 studies that actually tested trans adult women's physical fitness in a lab or other performance scenario. Eight have a sample size of less than 20, and two are of a single athlete.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
And look, I don't have any scientific experience, even though I look like a cross between a scientist and the profoundly sick mice he's studying, but... You probably shouldn't draw broad conclusions off a sample size of one. Those 12 studies generally find that medically transitioning does impact trans women's performance, but disagree on how or by how much. That researcher you saw earlier.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
actually published the only longitudinal study to date of multiple athletes studying the impact of transitioning on eight long-distance runners. She found after at least a year on hormone therapy, their race times turned out to be more athletically similar to those of cisgender women than cisgender men, but she herself will tell you the study was limited and its conclusions were nuanced.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
Here she is explaining what we do and don't know at this point.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
Right. Bigger and stronger bodies are not automatically advantaged in every scenario. I mean, put The Rock in a pure bar class and see what happens. I mean, we know what would happen. He'd take a video of himself, caption it, mad respect to these mamas. Everyone go see Moana 2.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
The thing is, hypotheticals like that circulate constantly and often centre around someone transitioning solely to gain a competitive advantage. But as this trans researcher points out, that is an absurd proposition.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
Right. No one says, I'm going to transition just for the sake of sports. The same way no one says, could you please send me more messages about two-factor authentication? Or, when I walk down the aisle, I'd like a solo violin cover of a bar with a bar by Kids Rock. That is just a made-up person.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
with the underlying premise of that question from the world's most famous sports cheater, that those assigned male at birth are automatically going to have certain immutable physical advantages. That gets raised constantly, which is why we're going to spend most of our time talking about trans women and girls, even though, in these five states, these bans impact trans boys in schools, too.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
It is obviously true that on average, cisgender men and post-pubescent boys have some specific athletic performance advantages, though the relative size of that advantage also depends on the sport and the event in swimming. For instance, male athletic performance advantage is roughly 13% in the 50 metre freestyle, but less than 6% in the 1500 metre free, which is still clearly significant.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
But in general, there's a lot of overlap in the average performance ranges of men and women. Basically, it is not the case that any man is going to be stronger or more athletic than every woman, which is sometimes what gets implied here. That wasn't the argument.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
It is not just about denying trans women the right to play. It's about denying them the right to exist. Mike Johnson basically said as much after the House passed its ban on trans athletes when he said this.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
That's right, Mike.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
As Scripture tells us, men are men, and women are women, and God is his own son, and some mothers are virgins, and some mothers-in-law are pillars of salt, and some daughters are sex partners, and colorful coats are dream tellers, and brothers are murderers, but also, brothers are backup husbands for wives, and babies can be for splitting in half, and water is wine, and also with you, sorry, and with your spirit.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon Musk's Gov't Purge, Trump's J6 Revenge, Is Any of This Legal? | Nicole Avant
I mean, I really like omelets. I could eat an omelet at every meal. I like omelets better than sex. Not really, but you get the point. I'm like, you can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
The prodigal son appears to have returned
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
Oh, no, no, no, no, John. I am here to gloat. America had its little fun, didn't you? Experimenting with democracy. You fought so hard to get away from us. Acting up, throwing all that tea into the harbor. You still owe us for that, by the way.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
me how much it was just tea john it was it was just tea you take that back you take that back right now i know i know it's a very sensitive beverage the point is you told everybody that you were going to be different you weren't going to turn out like your mean old dad who was so horrible to you when you were growing up so we sat back
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
We let you spend your wild teen years experimenting with your ridiculous ideas of checks and balances because deep down we knew that once you got that nonsense out of your system, you'd be backed. In fact, if I may sing from Hamilton. I'd really, I'd appreciate not. That's fair. What I'm saying is, let me be the first to welcome America to its monarchy era. Congratulations, everyone.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
You can now take your place in the pantheon of great empires alongside the British, the Roman, the Klingon, Wakanda, whatever one Babar the Elephant was the ruler of, I forget. Hold on a second, Mr. Oliver. Yes. If I may. Yes.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
Yeah, but why not, John? You really prefer the system that you have right now? Oh, I need 51 votes. for a bill to pass? Is the vice president in town to break a tie? Or, wait, is this one of the bills that needs 60 votes for no clear reason? Well, I'm sorry, little Timmy, no health care for you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
It does not sound great when you put it like that. Oh, you mean when I put it entirely accurately, Sean? It doesn't sound great? What I'm saying is don't fight being a monarchy, John. Embrace it. Kings get shit done. Now, is it stuff that you want done? Not necessarily, but they do move quick. They taste cumin at lunch, and they've taken over an entire continent by dinner time.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
That is how the British rolls, John. everyone else, they're not like us. In fact, if I may sing a line from Mr. Kendrick Lamar. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I really, I really don't think you should do that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
Oh. First of all, how dare you? We are technically between empires at the moment, but we're keeping our castles warm and our crowns bejeweled for the day that we get back onto our feet. Look, no offense, but I'm not sure the imperial model is for us. Oh, really? The imperial model isn't for you, John? Have you seen anything America's done over the last 50 years?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
Because for a country that doesn't want to be an empire, you're doing a pretty good impression of one right now. Invasions, economic exploitations are now suggesting turning Gaza into a beachfront casino? Even King George would have been like, I don't know, guys. It feels like the situation's a bit more complicated than that, and I'm literally dying of medieval brain disease. He was.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
He was doing that. He was dying. He was dying of a medieval brain disease. It drove him crazy, but he could see that it was an unreasonable request.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
And you know what, John? Don't be sad about it. We couldn't be more proud. This shouldn't be a sad time. The arc of history is so long, it eventually becomes a circle. And you end up right where you started. You might even call it the circle of life. In fact, if I may sing the great imperial subject, Sir Elton John's opening Zulu chants from The Lion King. Please stop me, John. Please.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
Please stop me from doing that. I do not want to do it. John, please stop me. Please stop me. I don't want to go out like this. Stop me, John. All right! John Oliver, everybody!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
Yeah!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
What?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns
You know, the whole point of turning to God for gold... For once, John, I think we have something we can agree on.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns
Or did you lose it all in gold? John, I'm no Rube. What would I want with some tawdry nugget that any smelly prospector with a pan can scoop out of a country crick? I know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns
I mean, gold, it's no beryllium. Yes, it's what? Beryllium. Yes, that's a different random substance. But this one is immune to market forces. Here, let me show you on my periodic table of invest elements. Now, here is gold. That is garbage. Platinum and silver go in the same way. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. So what do you want to invest in, John? Helium is always fun. Parties, I guess. Helium.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns
You can't make a commemorative coin out of helium. First rule of invest elements, John. Noble gases, bull returns. Goodbye. But beryllium. You're talking about beryllium. Ah, beryllium. All understand instinctively the timeless allure of beryllium. That's where all deranged millionaires put our money. And now, thanks to me, so can you. Oh, hey, I'm John Hodgman for beryllium.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns
You know, don't let people scare you into buying gold. Let me scare you into buying beryllium. Prized by human civilization since 1957 for its drab gray color, beryllium is as versatile as it is solid. Look at these beautiful dimes. Now that I've coated them in rare beryllium dust, I'm selling them for $300,000. Now, beryllium's not just for coating coins.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns
It can also be fashioned into some beautiful jewelry. Beryllium. Invest in the future. Caution. Do not fashion into beautiful jewelry. Beryllium is highly corrosive to human skin. Beryllium is a Category 1 carcinogen. Inhalation of beryllium dust causes a lung disease known as berylliosis.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns
Well, the risks are outlined. Another molar. So how much virulium can I put you down for, John? All right, I'll get back to you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Hey! Hey! I'm one of those rats! And I'll have you know, I crossed the ocean on a very comfortable Virgin Atlantic flight. The time flew by, so get your facts straight. So even the WWE currently has a storyline around the immigration debate. And to give them credit, they actually had a good discussion about the ambivalence and hypocrisy at the heart of our policies.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
What a beautiful dream of television is this? Not only was that technically more articulate a debate than anything we've heard in Congress, but it came with half-naked men fighting. It's like C-Span with elbow drops. Please, give me more. Zev was even mad that John Oliver took over for Jon Stewart.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Yes. And let me say, if Zeb wants to go after immigrant rats, he better be prepared to get gnawed on, because we got teeth. I may not quite have the muscle mass for this. I might need a little help. Mick, Mick, do you mind helping me? Mick? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Oh, yes. Huh? Yeah? I got this, John. Okay. Take it. Take it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Also, would you rather the strawberries in your protein shake cost 75 bucks? Because that is the economic reality of the situation. It's complicated. Complicated.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Yes, and the only... You will only need one document there, a prescription for morphine. That's a painkiller, mother... Boom! Boom!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
So if you, Zev, have the guts to debate, we'll be here any time you come down here next week and you say to my face, I'm not going to be here next week.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
In which case, Zeb, you should come back in September and ask for Jon Stewart, the host, and take it up with him. Take it up with him. But the point about immigration stands. Yes, it does. Nick Foley, everyone. We'll be right back.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Come to think of it, I'm thrilled to be anywhere with high ratings these days.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Immigration, clearly a dominant issue in the country right now, is being discussed everywhere. And I do mean everywhere.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Jason Jones, everybody. We'll be right back. Welcome back. Oh, doctor. Now, Louisville's big win over Michigan Monday night ended a thrilling NCAA tournament, which saw even savvy bracket prognosticators completely screwed by production assistant Jay Franklin, who I think we can all admit got completely lucky. I mean, note to self, fire Jay Franklin.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
But despite the NCAA's good works, there are those who would try to tear them down. Asif Manvi has more.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
As you heard earlier, March Madness. This is March Madness, our yearly national orgy of college basketball. My pick for the finals, I think Michigan State is going to get Duke. That's right, the Spartans are going to get them Duke boys. But there are those who wish basketball could return to a purer time. Jason Jones has more.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
Well, John, I might be a journalist first, but I'm a person second. And what I saw this afternoon was a nation in pain. Roll it, Chuck.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
They were here to send a very clear message to Washington.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
Some were simply too angry for words. and best day of the year. While others were inappropriately articulate.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
And the AIG controversy was just one of the scandals which brought people into the street.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
John, none of us can be 100% sure where I was, but there is one important thing I learned today. What would that be, John?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Yeah, and so I think the outsider perspective in comedy always works. The thing with being an immigrant here is you kind of have to learn the exact ways that your outsider perspective can translate. So you kind of have to learn, basically, how that can work. And once it does, you're fine. But until that point, it does feel a little bit like uncharted waters.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You have health insurance. This guy has health insurance. The guy with a skateboard and without functioning shoelaces. How the f*** does that work out? Even visitors to the island were initially impressed.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Tell us something else. If we know nothing else about ourselves, it's that we have guns to a genuinely problematic extent. That is not a fresh insight. Yeah. We genuinely know. Yes, exactly.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I'm so glad. My incredibly insightful advice of wait 24 months worked.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I still can't believe it. I just deep down didn't want to hear from you again for two years. That's all it was.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Oh, no, there wasn't those things.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I think you're now attacking the entire population of TikTok for trying.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
It's a very stylish mustard steak. Yeah, did you guys get fancy suits when you... No, we got no suits. I cannot... We were not given any... I'd never owned a suit. Check out this boomer. Coming on a daily show, telling us how good we have it. We didn't have a desk. We didn't have cameras. I had to go to a place to buy a suit. And doing filpies, you wreck them all the time.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
For years here, there's nothing that made ex-correspondents more angry than hearing that we got free suits when we did. LAUGHTER And, yeah, that was the thing that bothered them the most. It was, no, no, you should have to go into the hole every year just to get a presentable suit. Now, look at you. You're all spiffy. Did the show pay for that? Yeah, the show did. Oh, f*** this. Monograms?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
They... You get monogrammed shirts now? Yeah, well, you know... Comedy Central has changed.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Oh, that's a move that I can't make.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Yeah, I mean... I mean, it's a horrible point, but it's a fair question. I guess now my answer would be, I'm a citizen. You can't do that. But I think the tricky thing is I felt ownership of... It's very dangerous. A British person saying, I felt ownership of this country historically does not go well. It's amazing. I just went to India and I felt like I belonged. LAUGHTER
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Until a few days later when they realized they'd been tricked into receiving socialized care.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I felt at home here long before my legal status was solid. That's the tricky thing as an immigrant. The more I felt at home here, the more cognizant you are of the fact that it's not up to you whether or not you get to stay or not. So it was a massive relief to get my green card and an even bigger relief to get my citizenship.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
So, yeah, despite the fact immigrants tend to talk shit, it's generally the kind of way that you talk shit with someone you genuinely love. Sure. Honestly, as a comedian, I only really talk shit as a way of expressing love. Professionally. Exactly. I don't really know how to express myself sincerely. Right, right. I like you. I'm never going to say that. F*** you, Ronnie. There you see?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You used to play the bad guy in Field Piece, right? You would say things you did not mean just to embody an argument that you do not agree with. Yeah. I mean, in Field Pieces, that's the way that we would operate all the time. In general, I mean, our show's a little different. Like, we're not in the... Yeah, I'm not asking about your show.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I think there'll always be a place for satire. I mean, there was a place for it in Germany in the 30s. It didn't seem to work out that well over there, but they gave it a go. Yeah. So, no, I think there will always be. And I, unlike you, I'm happy for people online to try and do it as well. Ronnie really would like nobody to have a voice. Nobody.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
That is the thing. I don't think Americans understand how rough the US immigration process is. When they say to people, come in the right way, I don't think they realize how literally impossible that is in some aspects. When I got my green card here, they brought it to me in my office upstairs. And they gave me a Budweiser and an apple pie with a little American flag in it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Luckily, Republicans were here to save Hawaiians from themselves. What would you say to Hawaiians who say, I have government mandated health care and I love it?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
And I think they were giving it as if, like, here's a joke, right? Oh, you got it. You were always going to get it. Here it is. And I nearly cried. And for a British person, nearly crying is crying. That's as close... But I was so relieved because I was worried about it so much.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
And so I think you tend to find, like when we were talking before, exactly, when you find out someone just got their green card, you can kind of almost feel the relief coming off it because it's such a concern. It's not easy. No, it is not easy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You did not demonstrate extraordinary ability. That was at median level ability. That is the worst thing about coming in on a visa is, like, occasionally they'll look at the visa and say, what do you do? Because they're expecting a surgeon. Yeah. Someone with a marketable skill. And the moment you say comedian, they're like, this is not for you. Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
That's not... And also, then if it's all go, tell me something funny, like, or what? Is this a fun bit? Or is this the moment I get deported? Do I need a joke on hand? It demonstrates extraordinary ability in terms of word craft. Yes, it's incredibly stressful in a way people don't understand.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Immigrants, that's right. We get the job done. Yeah. I would say, what is more quintessentially American than coming to a country you don't belong in and deciding you're going to stay? Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I mean, I challenge you. You challenge me to be American? Yes. And how would one do that?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
No, no, you've got a freaking tight spiral. We're going to go over there.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Right. And what would you say to a Hawaiian who said, what? That's meaningless. That's just a bit of folksy nonsense that doesn't have any real substance.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
What if that Hawaiian then said, OK, you've got that chance, dazzle me?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
These poor bastards just didn't realize they were living in a socialist nightmare, forced to scrounge for a living, unable even to afford shirts, many driven to suicide. But for those who do survive, what will their world look like?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Exactly. With only four decades of testing, America simply cannot afford to join this dangerous experiment. What would happen, do you think, if this health care system made it to the mainland? That question I couldn't answer. I'll tell you what the answer is. What is the answer? Every single person in the United States would be dead. Thank goodness we have experts like these to save us.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I am a law, a 2,000-page law. Congress passed me without one single flaw. I make sure Wall Street plays by the new regulations, protecting your investments across the entire nation.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I don't want to say it, but you look like s***. easy washington's a tough town john since getting past yeah i've taken a few shots but i'm still standing yeah yes yes i'm still standing i'm still here in fact just last week my all-new consumer financial protection board opened for business as soon as it gets a director we'll be off to the races so wait there's there's no director
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Confirmation in the Senate, there's no motion. Obama could have used a recess appointment to give her the job without her vote, but he didn't do it because his feelings weren't that strong. Wow. But you know what? That's interesting. You know what, John? It doesn't matter. I've still got 400 tough new rules to remake our broken and corrupt financial system.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
They're working great. The ones that are written are working great.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
It's a magic number. Yes, it is. Oh, it's a magic number. It might not be 400 or 150 or 77, but it's 38. And that's a magic number. Let's do this. Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling. LA Clippers forward Dale Wilkinson. Projectors tailback Reggie Rivers. They walk 38. And it's a magic number. Oh, it's a magic number.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You'll just have to take my word for it. He definitely exists.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Lobby, Lobby, that's your stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Hold it. I can't do this. Blaming lobbyists is a cop-out, John. Here's what's going down. This whole financial reform thing is a sham. The only way that Congress would pass me was if the details of my rules and regulations were left unspecified, giving K Street lobbyists all the time they would need to water me down post passage.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Hawaii. Not only is it an island paradise, it's also been held up as a model for healthcare reform. Here, government mandates that businesses give health insurance to any employee working over 20 hours a week, resulting in near universal coverage. Which made it the perfect place for the Republican National Committee to hold their annual meeting and deliver one key message.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
And you know what? Exactly. Boo, exactly. Thank you, boys and girls. Thank you. And do you know what? If any actual tough rule managed to squeak through, Congress people cut the budget of the agency responsible for enforcing it. The whole thing is a giant punt. I'm no law. I'm no law, John. I'm just an undefined, impotent, 2,300-page piece of legislative ****. You see this?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You see this here, John? LAUGHTER I stole this off the Voting Rights Act of 1965!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I know. I'm just a law, but my ass was raw. And my balls put through a circular saw. And everyone who swore up and down to support me Now they want Planned Parenthood to lay term aboard me. Last night I got hit by a car. It's gone too far for this law. Did I mention my ass was f***ing wrong?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Oh, let's see, let's see. Actually, I talked with this one chick. She had a pretty nice rack. Kind of a butter face. Anyway, she said, and I quote, Oh my God! The debate was awesome! You know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Do you think the American people should be thanking the Republican Party for destroying the healthcare bill?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Well, well, well, look who's come crawling back. Yes. We're all started. I know. It's pretty weird to be back. I do not like being in that guest room at all. Oh, really? That was the one room where I worked here you were not allowed to go in, and I don't like being in it now. It feels like I'm doing something wrong by being inside it. You never snuck in to see a guest? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
We were never allowed to really be in there because it had to be kept nice for the guest. Yeah. And it never really occurred to me one day I might be that, and I still don't feel it. So I put my bag in there and then stood in the corridor for the rest of it. I don't want to be in there at all. Yeah, but this place brings back to my memories. You were here. You were in this building.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I was very much in this building, yeah. This was the reason I came to America, and I was here for eight years. Yeah, same.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
And you were like, no, come before work. There's nothing I like more than talking to people who have questions about how to make field pieces. Yeah. Because it's such a narrow set of skills. Yes. And all of your questions were great. I remember you leaving and thinking, oh, you're going to be fine. Even though you don't have the answers yet, all your questions are right, so you're going to be fine.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
But for some reason, Hawaiians didn't understand how bad their own system was. Healthcare is awesome, you know, especially with my baby.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You do not have a problem. I will say, before... Before we make it too sincere, you do have that unique skill set of not minding being a dick to people.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You will go hard. In the marrow of my bones, sometimes when our lawyers say they're going to be upset, you go, I'm not having a physical reaction to that at all. Yes. It is of no concern to me whether the Sackler family are mad with me or not. To be honest, I'm a little bit, it's a tingle of happiness. Yeah, but that's kind of what you need to do. Yeah, definitely, yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I like the feeling of trouble. Yeah, you do, yeah. In comedy, because I'm probably a natural coward in many ways, but when it comes to comedy, I do like the feeling of being in real trouble. Yeah, it's weird. You talked about it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
That is true. That's the amazing thing about doing jobs like this. When you get into comedy, it's not generally thinking that you will see a human being's breakfast time. No. But yeah, that's right. You came very early. You looked bright and early. You showered. I had no complaints.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
What is your take on the constitutional crisis? Well, the reality is the Constitution is badly broken and out of date. Young people in particular never read it anymore, even though it's almost ridiculously easy to steal from the National Archives.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Well, I believe this Fifth Amendment says I don't have to answer that question. All right, I understand. In fact, that means it's a good one, so we're going to keep it. There we go.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Well, let's start at the top, John. It's going to need a hip new name. Constitution. It's very negative, isn't it? Why not something a little more positive? Why not a pro-stitution?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
I've already made the change. Ah. Which brings me to solution number two. Let's trim the fat. I mean, basically, everything after Amendment 10 wasn't written by the founders, so that can go. And some prominent constitutional scholars think we can go even further than that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
A few mallet-wielding, brain-bullied lawyers overruling the will of the people? It's undemocratic, John. And it brings me to my third solution. Let's give the prostitution back to the people. By putting it on the internet. I give you the wiki prostitution. It's a... Open source document, a marketplace of ideas where the will of the people can finally speak.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
It already has 6,000 new amendments, and as you can see, the people in their wisdom have outlawed anchor babies, legalized marijuana, and apparently we have banned werewolves. That makes sense, actually. Team Edward is very active on the Wiki prostitution.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
But wait a minute, John. That's Glenn Beck's defense of the Constitution. It took a long time to write. If that's the criteria, then that screenplay about the Noid that you started back in the late 80s will be the greatest document of all time.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Anyway, you didn't play Senator Sessions' entire soundbite.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
See, John, he was only talking about the Second Amendment. Guns, John. Of course we can't change that clause. Look, the founders made it Sharpie-proof. I can't do anything to it. Damn it. Their original intent is clear.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Or no one minus one? I should tell you that I'm a noted founding father psychologist. As you would know if you had read my book, Men Are From Mars, James Madison was a godlike genius who could do no wrong, and I am the only one who knows what he was thinking. Now, how could you know what James Madison was actually thinking? Didn't you even look at the cover of my book, John? I thought I did.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
I get it straight from James Madison's skull.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
That's a ridiculous premise, John, but I'll play along. After all, even James Madison recognized a higher authority at work.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Yeah, a lot of people think that that's true, but that's an easily fixed misconception. If you scroll down now to New Amendment 6666, I think you'll see that the Bible is now actually a prostitutional amendment. So it's all in there.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
What? Oh, James Madison said the separation of church and state was just their little joke.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Are you saying that this guy actually got a constitutional amendment ratified?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
And that's the story of how Gregory Watson got a... Oh, no, you don't have to look at the camera. Why are you talking? I was just delivering my line.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Hang on, hang on. I'm John Hodgman. I'm still on television sometimes. We're done.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | International Diplomacy
As President Obama said... Very clearly, in a recent speech that he gave at the United Nations General Assembly just a few weeks ago, he said, we in the United States are currently reviewing the way that we gather intelligence.