John Oliver
Appearances
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
When it comes to trans athletes who've medically transitioned, studies of cis athletes are not necessarily relevant. A lot of medical gender-affirming treatments like hormone therapy have a meaningful impact on body and hormone composition. So the question then becomes, what do those impacts mean for athletic performance?
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
We spoke to scientists on all sides of this issue, and the one thing they actually agree on is that in part because the number of trans athletes is so small, the body of research specifically about them is extremely limited.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
comparing specific anatomical features like muscle mass in women who transition, but which don't directly speak to their impact on athletic performance. But we were only able to find 12 studies that actually tested trans adult women's physical fitness in a lab or other performance scenario. Eight have a sample size of less than 20, and two are of a single athlete.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
And look, I don't have any scientific experience, even though I look like a cross between a scientist and the profoundly sick mice he's studying, but... You probably shouldn't draw broad conclusions off a sample size of one. Those 12 studies generally find that medically transitioning does impact trans women's performance, but disagree on how or by how much. That researcher you saw earlier.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
actually published the only longitudinal study to date of multiple athletes studying the impact of transitioning on eight long-distance runners. She found after at least a year on hormone therapy, their race times turned out to be more athletically similar to those of cisgender women than cisgender men, but she herself will tell you the study was limited and its conclusions were nuanced.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
Here she is explaining what we do and don't know at this point.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
Right. Bigger and stronger bodies are not automatically advantaged in every scenario. I mean, put The Rock in a pure bar class and see what happens. I mean, we know what would happen. He'd take a video of himself, caption it, mad respect to these mamas. Everyone go see Moana 2.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
The thing is, hypotheticals like that circulate constantly and often centre around someone transitioning solely to gain a competitive advantage. But as this trans researcher points out, that is an absurd proposition.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
Right. No one says, I'm going to transition just for the sake of sports. The same way no one says, could you please send me more messages about two-factor authentication? Or, when I walk down the aisle, I'd like a solo violin cover of a bar with a bar by Kids Rock. That is just a made-up person.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
with the underlying premise of that question from the world's most famous sports cheater, that those assigned male at birth are automatically going to have certain immutable physical advantages. That gets raised constantly, which is why we're going to spend most of our time talking about trans women and girls, even though, in these five states, these bans impact trans boys in schools, too.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
It is obviously true that on average, cisgender men and post-pubescent boys have some specific athletic performance advantages, though the relative size of that advantage also depends on the sport and the event in swimming. For instance, male athletic performance advantage is roughly 13% in the 50 metre freestyle, but less than 6% in the 1500 metre free, which is still clearly significant.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
But in general, there's a lot of overlap in the average performance ranges of men and women. Basically, it is not the case that any man is going to be stronger or more athletic than every woman, which is sometimes what gets implied here. That wasn't the argument.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
It is not just about denying trans women the right to play. It's about denying them the right to exist. Mike Johnson basically said as much after the House passed its ban on trans athletes when he said this.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
That's right, Mike.
The Ben Shapiro Show
Ep. 2177 - TRUMP U-TURN WIN: Tariff War Paused, China Isolated!
As Scripture tells us, men are men, and women are women, and God is his own son, and some mothers are virgins, and some mothers-in-law are pillars of salt, and some daughters are sex partners, and colorful coats are dream tellers, and brothers are murderers, but also, brothers are backup husbands for wives, and babies can be for splitting in half, and water is wine, and also with you, sorry, and with your spirit.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon Musk's Gov't Purge, Trump's J6 Revenge, Is Any of This Legal? | Nicole Avant
I mean, I really like omelets. I could eat an omelet at every meal. I like omelets better than sex. Not really, but you get the point. I'm like, you can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
No, Long Island should not secede from the state of New York.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
It's just not practical to do it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
It's complicated. We would need to pay for the roads that are state roads. The first thing we do is pick a state capital. We would need to pay for the state parks that are state parks.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Teacher certifications would all have to be done differently.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Sir, how are you? You are welcome on our bus at any time. Let's do a lightning round. Okay. Your favorite book? For Whom the Bell Tolls. Favorite movie? Viva Zapata. Charlton Heston. Marlon Brando. Close enough. If I were a tree, I would be a... If I were a tree, I would be a root.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
The prodigal son appears to have returned
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
Oh, no, no, no, no, John. I am here to gloat. America had its little fun, didn't you? Experimenting with democracy. You fought so hard to get away from us. Acting up, throwing all that tea into the harbor. You still owe us for that, by the way.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
me how much it was just tea john it was it was just tea you take that back you take that back right now i know i know it's a very sensitive beverage the point is you told everybody that you were going to be different you weren't going to turn out like your mean old dad who was so horrible to you when you were growing up so we sat back
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
We let you spend your wild teen years experimenting with your ridiculous ideas of checks and balances because deep down we knew that once you got that nonsense out of your system, you'd be backed. In fact, if I may sing from Hamilton. I'd really, I'd appreciate not. That's fair. What I'm saying is, let me be the first to welcome America to its monarchy era. Congratulations, everyone.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
You can now take your place in the pantheon of great empires alongside the British, the Roman, the Klingon, Wakanda, whatever one Babar the Elephant was the ruler of, I forget. Hold on a second, Mr. Oliver. Yes. If I may. Yes.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
Yeah, but why not, John? You really prefer the system that you have right now? Oh, I need 51 votes. for a bill to pass? Is the vice president in town to break a tie? Or, wait, is this one of the bills that needs 60 votes for no clear reason? Well, I'm sorry, little Timmy, no health care for you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
It does not sound great when you put it like that. Oh, you mean when I put it entirely accurately, Sean? It doesn't sound great? What I'm saying is don't fight being a monarchy, John. Embrace it. Kings get shit done. Now, is it stuff that you want done? Not necessarily, but they do move quick. They taste cumin at lunch, and they've taken over an entire continent by dinner time.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
That is how the British rolls, John. everyone else, they're not like us. In fact, if I may sing a line from Mr. Kendrick Lamar. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I really, I really don't think you should do that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
Oh. First of all, how dare you? We are technically between empires at the moment, but we're keeping our castles warm and our crowns bejeweled for the day that we get back onto our feet. Look, no offense, but I'm not sure the imperial model is for us. Oh, really? The imperial model isn't for you, John? Have you seen anything America's done over the last 50 years?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
Because for a country that doesn't want to be an empire, you're doing a pretty good impression of one right now. Invasions, economic exploitations are now suggesting turning Gaza into a beachfront casino? Even King George would have been like, I don't know, guys. It feels like the situation's a bit more complicated than that, and I'm literally dying of medieval brain disease. He was.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
He was doing that. He was dying. He was dying of a medieval brain disease. It drove him crazy, but he could see that it was an unreasonable request.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
And you know what, John? Don't be sad about it. We couldn't be more proud. This shouldn't be a sad time. The arc of history is so long, it eventually becomes a circle. And you end up right where you started. You might even call it the circle of life. In fact, if I may sing the great imperial subject, Sir Elton John's opening Zulu chants from The Lion King. Please stop me, John. Please.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
Please stop me from doing that. I do not want to do it. John, please stop me. Please stop me. I don't want to go out like this. Stop me, John. All right! John Oliver, everybody!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
Yeah!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart & John Oliver on America's Trump Monarchy Era | David Remnick
What?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Unpacking NOLA and Cybertruck Attacks & An Unusually Civil Jan. 6 | Rep. Jamie Raskin
Frankly, I do not pretend to be the most qualified person to lay out the full argument.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
Well, I, at my peril, get into an argument with the guy who has fashioned this bill over the definition of amnesty, but I said a moment ago, if they fulfill certain conditions, which you outlined, but if an illegal immigrant... That's not amnesty.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
Replied Gibson, I see. Well, I certainly don't want to. Clearly, you have a homosex amnesty? And why would Charlie Gibson do that? Seems childish. The bill faces a competing proposal from Senator Bill Frist, seen here explaining to Southeast Asian children how tears transmit AIDS.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
He favors deportation for any illegals, and he explained his position on the Fox News show Hannity and His Huddling Sidekick Yearning to Breathe Free.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
It's absolutely workable. I mean, just think about Elian Gonzalez. How easy that was. Now, just times that by 11 million. One of the most outspoken advocates for stronger immigration reform isn't a politician at all, but CNN's Lou Dobbs, whose guest Monday night, Hispanic rights activist Janet Murguia, defended protesters that were out there waving Mexican flags.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
With more, I'm joined by our resident expert, John Hodgman. John, thank you so much for joining us.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
Now I need to tell you, you're a leading authority on immigration.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
Yes, that's true. In fact, the heartwarming tale of my own immigrant past, titled, My Grandparents Were Slav or Something... Comes out next Friday. Thanks for the play.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
You're very welcome, John. John, why did this bill, once again, not even able to come up for a vote? Was the so-called amnesty issue just too toxic for the Republican base?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
No, John. There was a larger concern here, one that my fellow television experts have picked up on.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
The immigration debate was at heart a public health issue. I'll be blunt, John. Illegal aliens have tuberculosis and leprosy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
John... We're not... You can't... You can't possibly be talking about tuberculosis and leprosy. Chuck? Hey, John, yeah, we're talking about tuberculosis and leprosy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
You heard what a person on television just said, John. Leprosy in this country. Incredible? Leprosy in this country. Alas, those words are as true now as they were when I said them just before Lou Dobbs did. Leprosy, John. Yes, its effects are already being felt. Look at this chart, John.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
As you can see, in the last seven years, the average number of fingers per American hand has dropped off, while the number of fingers that have dropped off has risen dramatically. If this trend continues by 2015, well, you can see... what might happen.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
And that's because of illegal aliens. John, the chart is fundamentally wrong.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
Well, John, you're right. It might not be hooves that Americans have in the future. It could be talons or claws of some kind. Data's still coming in, but the conclusion is inescapable. All Mexicans are lepers.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
John, I cannot, in good conscience, allow this to go unchallenged. I'm sorry.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
Well, that's good. I love a good debate. Put up your hooves.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
The soundbite that you played from Lou Dodge.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
John. He reported there were 7,000 cases of leprosy in America in the last three years, supposedly because of illegal aliens. That turned out to be wrong. Look at this.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
How do you answer to that? Ah, that's just typical limousine leper propaganda.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
No, John. I feel like bringing these diseases out is just a scare tactic.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
Turning to our top story, the debate over a new immigration law has caused a rift between moderate Republicans, who want to reform immigration without alienating Hispanic voters, and conservatives, who would prefer to turn immigrants into some sort of foodstuff for people on Medicare. A Soylent Verde, if you will. Ah. I see you've all taken Stamets. Nicely done.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
You're right, John. It is very scary. But it doesn't stop at disease.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
My colleagues, Nobel laureate Gingrich, Princeton's Albert Einstein professor of quantum physics, Beck, and Dr. Buchanan have it right. Let me be blunt, John. I can't read the prompter without my glasses. So it stops there.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
I understand that. But stunning, Buchanan himself, Irish-American. Is he? I don't know. I don't see color, John. You know, John, when the Irish came to this country, they were subject to almost the exact same accusations. They were diseased, drunkards, guilty of immoral behavior.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
Well, at the time, those charges may have been warranted. I mean, look at the historical record as captured in this file footage from Ellis Island. You can't deny that murderous leprechauns were killing our children. It's a matter of fact.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
Hope, John. Simple, pure hope. That one day these tubercular, leprous, molesting immigrants can repeat the uniquely American journey of the fiendish green-blooded Irish. From unwanted immigrants to not wanting immigrants. While obviously still taking their orders directly from the Pope. John? Thank you very much, John.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
John Hodgman. We'll be right back.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
Let's get right to the big story. For months, the country has suffered through divided government, corrosive partisan deadlock. But last week in the Senate, a breakthrough.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
A complicated bill. So that means this bill is more than just a renewal of the Puppies Are Better Than Hitler Act. Not that that didn't have issues. So what was this bill about?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
a comprehensive immigration reform bill.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
We must bring millions of people out of the garage and onto the front yards of America where they can. Luis, I told you I needed the driveway clean. I guess is my point. Vote Quimby. All right. How would the country react to this very rare display of statesmanship? But if immigrant groups are angry over the bill, at least that means the anti-immigrant crowd must be pleased.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
What do you think of the deal? I think the deal stinks.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
Now, at the heart of this debate is a bill approved by the Senate Judiciary Committee that would let illegal aliens take steps towards citizenship. Those steps towards citizenship? Learn English, pay taxes, and start resenting future immigrants. But critics say granting citizenship to illegal aliens amounts to amnesty for lawbreakers. Senator John McCain disagrees.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
So the left is pissed off. The right is pissed off. And ladies and gentlemen, here comes the president, flanked by his silent wingmen. All right. Here's the plan. We're going to go out there. I'm going to do some immigration talking. Now, if everything goes good, I'll take some questions.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
But if anyone sees anything suspicious, like a squirrel or something, we just pivot, turn, and walk away like we rehearsed. Comprehend it? Okay. Let's do it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
Hey, is this squirrel following us? So, what is the... Oh, we have the advantage of writing to footage. What is the bill?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
Basically, some immigrants already in the country illegally will have to pay a $5,000 fine, and then the head of their household will make a touchback trip to their home country, at which point they can apply for Z visas to have a chance at gaining permanent legal status within eight years.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
Or one can apply for a probationary card to stay in the country without permanent status possibilities for four years or until borders are secured. Or you can get a guest worker Y visa, renewable every two years, although there's only 400,000 of those that are capped, based, of course, on market fluctuations, of course.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
You understand all that because you're an illegal alien who doesn't speak English very well and lives in fear of deportation. For more on the immigration bill, we turn to Asif Manvi standing by in Washington. Asif, thank you so much for joining us. So, Asif, basically the idea is there are different types of visas. People already on the margins of societies also have to come up with $5,000.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
This legalization process does not sound easy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
Asif, obviously, not to get personal, but you yourself were not born here. You're... Brown? I was going to suggest... It's fine, John.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
Asif... Of course not. Asif... But doesn't this really point out what this bill is? Isn't this bill really about the fact that these immigrants are Mexicans?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
I'll say, another controversial aspect of the bill is that families of these immigrants will no longer be given special status that they used to have. Immigrant status will be evaluated on some kind of point system.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
This bill that came out of the Judiciary Committee effectively does grant amnesty to millions of immigrants who are now here illegally.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration
But it is the antithesis of our founding, Asif. What happened to the motto, the old motto, give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns
You know, the whole point of turning to God for gold... For once, John, I think we have something we can agree on.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns
Or did you lose it all in gold? John, I'm no Rube. What would I want with some tawdry nugget that any smelly prospector with a pan can scoop out of a country crick? I know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns
I mean, gold, it's no beryllium. Yes, it's what? Beryllium. Yes, that's a different random substance. But this one is immune to market forces. Here, let me show you on my periodic table of invest elements. Now, here is gold. That is garbage. Platinum and silver go in the same way. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. So what do you want to invest in, John? Helium is always fun. Parties, I guess. Helium.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns
You can't make a commemorative coin out of helium. First rule of invest elements, John. Noble gases, bull returns. Goodbye. But beryllium. You're talking about beryllium. Ah, beryllium. All understand instinctively the timeless allure of beryllium. That's where all deranged millionaires put our money. And now, thanks to me, so can you. Oh, hey, I'm John Hodgman for beryllium.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns
You know, don't let people scare you into buying gold. Let me scare you into buying beryllium. Prized by human civilization since 1957 for its drab gray color, beryllium is as versatile as it is solid. Look at these beautiful dimes. Now that I've coated them in rare beryllium dust, I'm selling them for $300,000. Now, beryllium's not just for coating coins.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns
It can also be fashioned into some beautiful jewelry. Beryllium. Invest in the future. Caution. Do not fashion into beautiful jewelry. Beryllium is highly corrosive to human skin. Beryllium is a Category 1 carcinogen. Inhalation of beryllium dust causes a lung disease known as berylliosis.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns
Well, the risks are outlined. Another molar. So how much virulium can I put you down for, John? All right, I'll get back to you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
What a joy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
Yeah, fun day for you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
Oh, yeah, yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
Oh, you're very kind.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
That's very kind.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
Yeah, I'm super opposed to tuberculosis, it's true. I'm a little confused why everyone else isn't. Feels like it should be kind of a universally held opinion. But yeah, I was traveling in Sierra Leone in 2019. I didn't even know that tuberculosis was still a thing, to be honest with you. When I was in Sierra Leone in 2019 and I was asked to go to a TB hospital there.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
And when I was there, I met a kid named Henry, which is also my son's name. And through knowing Henry and following his story, trying to recover from drug-resistant tuberculosis over the next five years, I really, I wouldn't say I fell in love with the disease. I guess I fell in hate with it, you know? Yes.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
And so that's where this book came from, was from wanting to tell Henry's story of his ultimate story of survival and also wanting to tell the story of the fact that this disease is not history. It's present.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
That's right. It's the deadliest infectious disease in the world. And unfortunately, as a direct result of decisions made by our government, that number is going to go up instead of going down. It's been going down for the last 20 years, which is something we can be really proud of. The U.S. has long been the most generous funder of TB response, but that's changing with the dismantling of USAID.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
And as a direct result, I think the estimates are that within two years, we might see two million people dying instead of over a million.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
Yeah, ultimately, we've known how to cure this disease since the 1950s. And so the problem can't be a bacterium called M. tuberculosis, right? I mean, the bacteria is hard to kill. It's a tough disease to treat. But my brother had cancer a couple of years ago, and that's also a hard disease to treat. And nobody at any point said to my brother, I'm sorry, but it just doesn't make sense.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
It's not cost effective. to treat your cancer. They treated his cancer. They cured his cancer. He's here with us today. And that should be the story of everybody who lives with a disease like tuberculosis. It's hard to cure, but it's not impossible to cure. We can achieve cure rates of over 95%. We do that in the United States, and we should be doing it globally.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
And the fact that we aren't really is kind of a mark of shame on humanity, I think.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
Yeah, I wish I could write an extra chapter now.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
I will.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
Yeah, yeah. I mean, measles is an interesting case because, of course, it's completely vaccine preventable, right? Tuberculosis hasn't had a new vaccine in over 100 years. So, like, at least when people get tuberculosis, you know, you can say, like, well, this isn't a direct result of misinformation. But in the case of measles, it really is.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
So I am a little worried that measles, I mean, it's a bummer that measles is making a comeback, Desi. Yes, it is. I agree. It's definitely upsetting. Yeah. But, you know, tuberculosis, measles has a long way to go before it captures tuberculosis as the world's deadliest infection.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
So don't worry yet.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
The cowboy hat? Yeah, there was a guy named John B. Stetson who was living as a hat maker in New Jersey who got TB and was told by his doctor the only way to survive is to go west, which lots of people heard.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
He went west, and as he recovered from his tuberculosis, for reasons we don't understand, some people just recover, and he was one of the lucky few, he also noticed that the hats out west kinda sucked, right? Like, they had the coonskin cap that was all bug-infested.
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Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
They had these straw hats that folks from Mexico and Texas had brought up, but there was no hat for the American West, and he invented the Stetson. Isn't that crazy?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
Everything is tuberculosis.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
Can I? Give me a second.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
Yes. So if I'm not mistaken, I heard you say, I believe, that that aircraft carrier is the Harry Truman.
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Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
Does that sound right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
We'll go with it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
Harry Truman, this was in a different age in American history. Harry Truman sent a budget ask to the federal government for $200,000 to fund the development of the most critical or one of the most critical TB drugs, isoniazid. So if it weren't for Harry Truman sending federal money, federal government taxpayer money to fund the treatment of tuberculosis, we wouldn't have that amazing drug.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
Absolutely. Not even a challenge. It's trying to shrink your body. It's trying to make you smaller. And that is a result partly of this tubercular beauty standard. When we romanticize tuberculosis, I know. When we romanticize tuberculosis in the 18th and 19th centuries, we began to associate beauty with very frail, small bodies.
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Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
And so attempts to shrink the female body are at least in part a response to this tuberculosis beauty standard that goes back to the 19th century.
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Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
Yeah, so we know how to live in a world without TB. You search for cases, you treat every case you find, and you offer preventative therapy to folks who are near those cases. And that's how we eliminated TB in the US, or nearly eliminated it. That's how we've nearly eliminated TB in many countries around the world. But that takes funding.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
And right now, if you think of the history of tuberculosis as a long staircase where we learn more and learn better tools, have better tools to fight the disease, right now we have the tools, we just don't have the political will. And so right now, unfortunately, we've fallen down the staircase. But it's easy to feel like this is the end of history.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
I mean, I feel that way all the time, to be honest with you. But of course, it's not the end of history. This is the middle of the story, not the end of the story. And it falls to us to write a better end. And I really believe we can do that together. I really believe that I will live to see a world without tuberculosis.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Renames Persian Gulf, Teases a “Big Announcement” & Loses Another Fighter Jet | John Green
I may need to live a little bit longer than I had originally expected, but I still think that it's possible.
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TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
What's up? I'm John Leguizamo, hosting The Daily Show. And that's your phone, Mom.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
You have to wake up now. Okay, and I have a very special guest that she just blew it because her phone went off. But my mom is here with us, and I want to ask you a couple questions. I want to show the people at home what it's like when we're at home. I mean, we don't live in the same place anymore. Thank God for you. Tell the audience how big a pain in the neck I was.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
This is your chance to get off your chest, because if you don't say now, don't bring it up at dinner next week or the week after or at Christmas or Thanksgiving when you have a whole family around you and witnesses.
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TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
You did. Yeah, because a hyper child is a good thing. People don't realize that. We bring a lot of benefits to parents. So, Ma, you saw The Daily Show last night. What did you think? What's your review, your critique?
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TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
But did you have notes or did you have some criticisms, though? Did I mess up something? Did I mess for you?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
Like when you come see my Broadway shows, you always have notes.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
That's mostly, it's mostly please don't tell me.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
You're not a director. Yes. You don't, you're not part of the DGA. Yes. You're not an equity.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
Yes, that's the best way. I love that. Now tell us a story, like a good funny story growing up. Tell them the story about when you were dating that Egyptian guy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
My parents got divorced and then my mom, you know, was a single mom.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
This is for TikTok, 90 seconds or less. Otherwise, the poor editors.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
This guy was. You gave us too much backstory. Just get to the.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
You've got to get to the, that's the preamble. We're not even to the story yet. That's even before you started dating.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
My God, this is the Tolstoy version of it.
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TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
This is going to be the war and peace, crime and punishment version.
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TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
Conveniently left that out. I left that out. You know, you got it. Nobody wants to date somebody with children.
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TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
Well, you told us not to go and leave our rooms. No. Yeah. And not to talk to the man. Exactly. So I came out to talk to the man.
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TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
Dating my mom to try to wreck the date. Yes. That was 13 or whatever.
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TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
And then my brother and I sit on either side of the guy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
Well, good. We got rid of him. That was just a test. That was the story. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for joining us. Next week we'll go into another very long, in-depth story brought to you by the Leguizamos. Do you still hold that hope that someday I'm going to get a real job?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
So I said to myself, I need to help him. I do this at Christmas parties and Thanksgiving. We all talk at the same cross conversations and hear each other, right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Mother's Day
No, I don't think this is for mass consumption.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
You're listening to an iHeart Podcast.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
He reportedly added, after that I'll go home, be treated for scabies, and bury my dog. In case you've been frozen in carbonite for the last six months, the new Star Wars movie, Episode I, The Phantom Menace, opens next Wednesday. We sent our own Vance DeGeneres to Mann's Chinese Theater in Hollywood, where fans have been waiting in line for six weeks.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
We'll be right back. This past weekend, you may have experienced a strange sensation, something that can only be described as a disturbance in the force. specifically the sales force. Toy and retail stores nationwide celebrated the upcoming premiere of the sixth and final Star Wars movie, Revenge of the Sith, with a midnight rollout of a brand new line of merchandise.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Among the top offerings, this talking Yoda doll, a cool new way to teach kids bad grammar. Incorrect English this is. There's also a Darth Tater, Mr. Potato Head doll, though sadly he's more machine than potato now. Darth Tater. I wish I was making this up. Perfect for those who crave evil but wish it were starchier.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
In New York's Times Square, some enthusiasts even celebrated by showing up in full Star Wars regalia. There were legions of costumed characters. All your favorites, from Princess Leia to Jedi Eminem. What movie was he in? Yes, the peanut is strong in this one. Walmart was among the retailers taking part in the product launch.
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TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
And if you've ever wondered exactly how they keep their prices so low, here's how they do it. Grandma labor!
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TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Vance will be living with them until the movie opens. So here it is, our Star Wars, the obligatory coverage. That's actually the ending. Oops. Hey, Vance DeGeneres, are you out there? Is there a lot of excitement in the line?
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TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
As for the manufacturers of these toys, Hasbro official Brian Goldner explained they're really a chance to teach children about morality.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
By the way, did you know that the true identity of the emperor? Hasbro official Brian Goldner. So how best to rally the GOP troops for the upcoming fall election? A rededication to the party platform? A review of their recent accomplishments?
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TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Or you could produce an eight-minute parody of Star Wars called Election Wars, in which Democratic Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi is Darth Nancy, evil cohort of sinister figures like Howard Dean and the dreaded campaign committee chair Rahm Emanuel. How could you take on a fearsome juggernaut like that?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Evil Democrat empire? I got news for you. If we're going to do the Star Wars analogy, the Democrats are at best Ewoks. At best. Believe me, you'd be pumping up their egos to call them Jawas. Why can't the Republicans just admit it? You're in charge. You control the White House, both houses of Congress, the Supreme Court. You're not a bunch of ragtag rebels fighting the empire.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Besides, the Star Wars thing, the Star Wars thing is lame anyway. It's an outdated, nerdy reference.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
You know, I always dreamed she saw that but I never thought she did.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
You're listening to an iHeart podcast.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Vance, not that those aren't really good lines, but we say to Hollywood to cover the fans in line at the Chinese theater for the opening of the new Star Wars movie?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Well, go on over to the Chinese Theater and get your sleeping bag and get in line. We'll see you Monday. Vance DeGeneres, live somewhere in Hollywood. At Man's Chinese Theater in Hollywood, fans have been in line for six weeks for the opening of Star Wars The Phantom Menace. Our own Vance DeGeneres has been camping out for five days, and he's met some very interesting characters.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
So here it is, Star Wars, the obligatory coverage. Flashy. Vance DeGeneres is standing by live. Vance, we're all eager to know, what's it like out there living the Star Wars adventure?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Well, what's the atmosphere like there, Vance?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Well, we're getting a little tight on time, Vance, so why don't you talk to the experts themselves, the fans?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
All right, well, that's great, Vance. Let's meet him. Let's take a look at the fans and have a... All right, say no more, Vance. We'll get that song next time. We'll have another live report from Vance DeGeneres tomorrow. Good luck out there, Vance. Right now, at Mann's Chinese Theater in Hollywood, diehard fans have been in line for weeks for the opening of the new Star Wars movie.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Our own Vance DeGeneres has been camping out with the fans, soaking up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. We now continue with Star Wars, the obligatory coverage. Yes. Vance, how's it going out there in Hollywood? Are you getting the Star Wars fever, Vance? Vance DeGeneres? Vance! What? Vance, are you all right? What happened to your clothes and your hygiene?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Vance, I had no idea this was going on. What about the other fans in line? How are they holding up? Are they gonna be able to hang on for the opening of the movie? Movies? We sent you out there to cover the opening of Star Wars movie.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Concentrate, Vance. We heard a rumor George Lucas himself is gonna be at the Chinese Theater for the first showing of the film. That's exciting, isn't it?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Well, Vance, can you tell us anything about... Vance, can you tell... Vance? I... Uh... Well, tomorrow, hopefully, we'll have an actual report on the movie from Vance DeGeneres. Vance DeGeneres, ladies and gentlemen. Ah, here it is. Day 52 of our obligatory Star Wars coverage. Nine bucks. New Star Wars movie premieres, fans say, better than Spaceballs.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Following a barrage of hype that makes you wistful for the soft sell of Titanic, fans gathered for the midnight opening of Star Wars, allowing George Lucas to finally pay off his student loans. Excited fans staged these unbelievably realistic lightsaber battles, recreating the classic scene where two Jedis fight over an $8 milk dud. The fans were out in mass.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Let's hear from one of the more well-adjusted ones now.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
I don't want to say anything, but I think that's my accountant. Across the nation, films started late due to the extra time needed to create aisle space for all the lizard terrariums, clarinet cases, and unwieldy retainer boxes. Welcome back to the program. This past Sunday was a banner day for fans of the Star Wars series.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
As Fox aired the first glimpse of the latest installment of the saga, Attack of the Clones. Joining us now, our resident expert in all things science fiction, Stephen Colbert. Stephen, you've worked with Bradbury, with Huxley, understudied many of them. What did you think of this particular trailer?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
No, the new Star Wars trailer. But it's... It's the same trailer you just saw on TV.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
In America, our own young people are taking up a similarly passionate cause. Yes, America's youth have rallied around the noble flag of the new Star Wars movie. Episode one, The Fandom Menace. It is a period of nerdy anticipation. Teens with rebellious acne striking from hidden pores have begun their first battle against the evil galactic empire, boys who girls like.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
So you're really looking forward to this movie? No.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Stephen Colbert, everybody. We'll be right back.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
A deafening screech, pink eyes beaming from the darkness, a monstrous white form streaks past you, leaving only a gelatinous trail of fetid stench. A monster? No. It was your live-at-home son going to get the new Star Wars toys. Might be a good time to hose out his lair.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Yes, Hasbro has unleashed its episode two Attack of the Clones toy line, a full three weeks before the much anticipated release of the Star Wars installment. The sure to be hot items include Anakin Skywalker, Obi, or Jango, Martin Luther King. What the hell? We only had three. So we threw in him to try and soothe out the whole Jar Jar Binks debacle. Toys R Us officials beamed at what lay ahead.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Let's hear from someone who's taken up the cause. You da man, Yoda man.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
X-Tree, X-Tree. Star Wars Episode II is going to feature content, vehicles, and scenes. That guy can sell anything. Also in anticipation of the film's release, a video of John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra performing a track entitled Across the Stars premiered on TRL earlier this week. Imagine that was shortly after the premiere of MTV's Becoming Yo-Yo Ma.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
The entire audience tonight, all PBS tote bag owners. The video also lets fans know that horror legend Christopher Lee has joined the cast.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
In the film, Lee plays the role of Darth Tyrannus. The name Darth is used for many villains in the Star Wars movies, including Darth Vader and Darth Maul. It's been reported George Lucas has already chosen his Darth for episode three, a character so nefarious he could only be named Darth Darth.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Finally, a reason to live. Star Wars episode something, Attack of the Thingers, is lumbering into theaters. Upon exiting last night's first midnight showings, many fans said the film was actually better than the last installment, episode one, The Phantom Menace. Well, that's a rare honor shared with such other films as Snow Dogs.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Believe it or not, the film's marketing was considered low-key by Hollywood blockbuster standards, with only $25 million spent in advertising. And even though Yoda was on the cover of Time magazine last month, it was only to discuss his crippling addiction to diet pills. Hey, you read it. There you go. Talk is...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Talk has already begun of Star Wars Episode III, which is expected to follow Anakin and Padme's adventures as they inherit a whipped cream factory on the planet Naboo, which is run by a wacky scientist played by Nathan Lane. All their lives are turned upside down when they adopt a little black boy who teaches them the meaning of love. And thanks for that exclusive Episode III preview information.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Hey! Hey! I'm one of those rats! And I'll have you know, I crossed the ocean on a very comfortable Virgin Atlantic flight. The time flew by, so get your facts straight. So even the WWE currently has a storyline around the immigration debate. And to give them credit, they actually had a good discussion about the ambivalence and hypocrisy at the heart of our policies.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
What a beautiful dream of television is this? Not only was that technically more articulate a debate than anything we've heard in Congress, but it came with half-naked men fighting. It's like C-Span with elbow drops. Please, give me more. Zev was even mad that John Oliver took over for Jon Stewart.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Yes. And let me say, if Zeb wants to go after immigrant rats, he better be prepared to get gnawed on, because we got teeth. I may not quite have the muscle mass for this. I might need a little help. Mick, Mick, do you mind helping me? Mick? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Oh, yes. Huh? Yeah? I got this, John. Okay. Take it. Take it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Also, would you rather the strawberries in your protein shake cost 75 bucks? Because that is the economic reality of the situation. It's complicated. Complicated.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Yes, and the only... You will only need one document there, a prescription for morphine. That's a painkiller, mother... Boom! Boom!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
So if you, Zev, have the guts to debate, we'll be here any time you come down here next week and you say to my face, I'm not going to be here next week.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
In which case, Zeb, you should come back in September and ask for Jon Stewart, the host, and take it up with him. Take it up with him. But the point about immigration stands. Yes, it does. Nick Foley, everyone. We'll be right back.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Come to think of it, I'm thrilled to be anywhere with high ratings these days.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Immigration, clearly a dominant issue in the country right now, is being discussed everywhere. And I do mean everywhere.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The War on Climate Change
I didn't know we'd be talking to an actual scientist.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The War on Climate Change
Paramount Podcasts. You're listening to an iHeart Podcast.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The War on Climate Change
Well, then let me ask you again, why can we still breathe? That's what I'm asking. I mean, you can hear me, right? We're breathing.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Tax Day
Well, it's true that these reductions in capital gains and dividend taxes tend to favor those people who already have money to invest. You can see here how the money will be apportioned. If this pie chart represents the $70 billion in tax cuts, then the majority of that will go to people making over $200,000 a year, or as the government refers to them, citizens.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Tax Day
But most working Americans fall at the other end of the income spectrum. So your audience, for example, college students, bloggers, panhandlers, deadbeats, that sort of thing, will call them the Morlocks. They will receive less of the pie, which is fine, as the Morlocks are loathsome underground dwellers who eat human flesh and don't really like pie.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Tax Day
Well, fairness isn't the point. They don't call economics the dismal science because it's fair.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Tax Day
No, no, they call it that after Sir Eustace Dismal. The 18th century English economist who proposed making smokestacks out of children. I, uh...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Tax Day
It was a very interesting proposal, but ultimately flawed. I mean, if you make the smokestacks out of children, who are you forced to clean them? It's referred to as Dismal's paradox.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Tax Day
Well, the idea is that tax cuts stimulate the overall economy by encouraging investment at the top and creating thus jobs at every level of society, be they butlers, diamond-tipped cane polishers, or monocle smiths.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Tax Day
Yes, if you define rich and poor in traditional ways. This administration wants Americans to understand that wealth is not the only measure of riches. Look at Dick Cheney. Financially, he's obscenely wealthy, but he's clearly unhappy. I wouldn't be surprised if he's visited by no less than three ghosts a night.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Tax Day
Yeah, well, you know, ghost of Christmas past, present, future, blue perfect. Ghost of Christmas subjunctive.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Tax Day
Whatever, my point is, rather than wasting time bemoaning these tax cuts, John Q, who used to be middle class and now eats salt and pepper sandwiches, should rejoice. He'll never have the problems of, say, a wealthy man who sits embittered and henpecked, trapped in his deluxe apartment in the sky.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Tax Day
Rather, the average American can now enjoy the far richer life, yet led by a carefree young man, surrounded by a loving religious family with lots of leisure time to pursue his painting. Good times.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Tax Day
Uh, not Jimmy J.J. Walker, I don't think so. I don't think so, no. All right, John Hodgman, everybody.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Jason Jones, everybody. We'll be right back. Welcome back. Oh, doctor. Now, Louisville's big win over Michigan Monday night ended a thrilling NCAA tournament, which saw even savvy bracket prognosticators completely screwed by production assistant Jay Franklin, who I think we can all admit got completely lucky. I mean, note to self, fire Jay Franklin.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
But despite the NCAA's good works, there are those who would try to tear them down. Asif Manvi has more.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
As you heard earlier, March Madness. This is March Madness, our yearly national orgy of college basketball. My pick for the finals, I think Michigan State is going to get Duke. That's right, the Spartans are going to get them Duke boys. But there are those who wish basketball could return to a purer time. Jason Jones has more.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Jon Stewart on Immigration Over the Years
I've watched them do everything from change diapers to heat formula. Many of these are single young men who are not particularly good at that, but they're really getting better.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
A gun is more dangerous than a car if you've got alcohol involved. So... I'm just saying that guns in bars shouldn't be allowed with alcohol.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
Look, if you're so paranoid that you don't believe you can walk into a bar without a gun, then you probably shouldn't be there in the first place.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
Earlier today, the vice president was hospitalized after complaining of shortness of breath. Our Ed Helms is standing by at the George Washington University Hospital. Ed, what can you tell us about the vice president's condition at this moment?
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TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
What's it... Sarcophagus, what's it like to be inside that thing?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
Thank you, Ed. Ed Helms, everybody. In the last few years, America's so-called culture war has been sadly overshadowed by our so-called war war. But societal battles continue to be raged all across the country. Ed Helms reports on one.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
You know, the gay marriage issue is destructive on many levels. You have to deal with it in business. You have to deal with it in the public square. You have to deal with it in the public schools.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
I mean, let me put it this way. I could sit here and I could probably, you know, find some way of connecting the dots to gay marriage, to all of these, if I had enough time and I did some research.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
That's such a ridiculous question. I don't even want to answer it. Are you, like, asking me serious questions or not? Of course.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
I think that in the Broadway, it has.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
You know, it's a little scary as to where this movement might be headed. Gay activists use a lot of the PR tactics and propaganda tactics that the Nazis used.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
When people drink, we don't allow them to drive. Why? Well, because their motor skills are inhibited and their judgment is inhibited.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
John. John. John. John. That's weird. I thought I heard a voice from the past. Yes. But he's dead. He died in the great plague of the end of this March, 2008. What? John, is there a recession? Oh, right, right. Well, let's see. Things seem pretty stable around here. I'm employed, obviously. That's always a good indicator. Oh, no. What's that? Oh, no, no. Space invaders. No, no, no, no.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Camera one, take me back to the past. Wow. That was exciting.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Well, technology has advanced substantially by then.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Oh, no, no, I didn't find anything out. Oh, but Pamela Anderson gets married again. That woman is crazy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Well, absolutely. You don't want to panic people. But it's just semantics. Well, exactly. Words matter, John. When people find out that their homes are being foreclosed, they're typically very sad. But if you tell them they're going camping... Forever... Money Beak, you're alive! Maybe the economy's turning around. Oh, no, no, he's still dead. I forgot. I put Money Beak on my ringtone.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Well, thank you very much, John. Money Beak? All right, we'll talk to you later.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
The economy, John. As you know, the country is on the brink of financial collapse. Exactly. John, no time for questions. Only bold, incomplete sentences. Credit, frozen. Retail sales, cratering. Problem, no consumer confidence. Let me ask you, John, what are the markets doing right now?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Right. And who do you need in a crash? Chesley Sully Sullenberger. He's the only one who can pilot this nation to the soft water landing we so desperately need. And so, witness our new currency, the Sully Buck. The Sully Buck. Globally, it's already more respected than the Euro. Plus, there's a built-in rewards program. For every 100 Sully bucks you spend, the Canadian goose is strangled.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
And that's direct stimulus to the goose-packing industry. It's an excellent plan, but can't we... John, every time you talk, people are losing confidence. It's just like with Treasury Secretary Geithner. He spoke the other day, and Wall Street panicked. Yes, why did that happen? Well, let's take a look at the tape. We'll announce the details of this plan in the next few weeks. Sell! Sell!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Sell everything! Sell all my stocks! John! John! John! Oh, I'm sorry. I just got caught up in his wooden, nervous lack of reassurance-ness. See, it's all a matter of psychology, John. If someone can't convince us that the economy's okay, it will fall apart. Prosperity is, in a sense, a shared illusion. Which brings me to step two. Welcome our new Treasury Secretary, Mr. Criss Angel.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Specifically, Secretary-designate Angel will levitate the economy, make it disappear, and then pull it out of the belly button of a Hooters waitress. All right. That's very nice. All right, so that is part two, and that's... John, John, the economy's running out of time. I'll tell you what. Let's move on to the lightning round. All right.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
First, to make it more appealing, sales tax will now be known as pudding. As in, hey, great, 8.25% pudding. Next, there'll be mirrors at every cash register.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Yes, and also for cutting up cocaine. Also available at every cash register. Cocaine. You want cocaine. Yes, John, I've discovered that the substance cocaine makes people feel very confident.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
I don't think you can... No, John, I don't think you understand. Oh. Oh, no. What is that? What's happening? That's it. That's a five-minute warning till economic collapse. It's time to break out the big stimulus guns. Emergency Christmas. What? What? Emergency Christmas tomorrow. There are only 14 shopping hours left. Chop, chop. Let's go.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Look, it's a little bit of a late notice for an emergency. John, are you saying that you didn't get me anything for emergency Christmas? Oh, this is the worst emergency Christmas ever.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Potentially organized, yes. And all because you didn't buy a hybrid car this year.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
You're absolutely welcome. John, America is sick. It's going to take some major surgery to heal this nation. There are going to be some hard, bitter pills to swallow and also a lot of terrible medical metaphors. But don't worry. Dr. Hodgman is in. First problem, access. Almost 50 million people in this country are uninsured. But I've happened to notice that none of those people are in Congress.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
White hair man is right. So I'm going to write my first prescription. Make every American a member of Congress. I don't know, John, actually, that that's practical. Oh, really? In some respects. What if I wrote a little prescription for Vicodin for you as well, John? Would that make it go down a little easier? You're not a doctor. You're not actually a doctor. Not offline, I suppose, but fine.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
There's certainly more than one way to skin this patient. What? Prescription two, a healthy dose of prevention. Now, yes, exercise, diet, that sort of thing? No, no, John. Illness is not transmitted through diet and exercise. I'm talking about preventing contact, moving the sick people to a designated area far away from the rest of us. You're talking about a leper colony, like a leper.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
No, no, no, no, no. A leper colony is a degrading medieval concept. This is more like a leper resort. I call it Camp Sniffles. It's not only completely isolated and patrolled by dogs, it's also a lot of fun.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Yes, John, but there is a solution, and it lies inside each and every one of us.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Wow. And we all have two of them, like big fat money bags nestled back here behind the screen. And what are people doing with them? Using them to filter their urine. I say turn that stream of waste into a real golden shower of money.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Yeah, I don't think a butterfly could actually do that. Maybe a gigantic butterfly, like some kind of mothra-type creature, but that's a very different problem, and I want to assure you people that the mothra problem is something we have completely under control.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Whoa, John, what do you have against the American farmer? Are you some kind of East Coast elitist? What do you drink, Bud Light? Think about it, John. Under this system, the least privileged among us can charge the most for their most precious harvest. What? How? How? In what way? Well, you pay more for organic eggs, don't you? Well, congratulations, homeless people.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Under my new labeling laws, you may now call yourselves free range. Suddenly, even the lowliest hobo has half a million dollars sloshing around in his rotting torso. Why, he can cash in his kidney for a new flat screen TV. Maybe a lung for a Prius. Or his other kidney for a dialysis machine. Or better yet, mortgage his whole lower body for a condominium.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
There, I just solved the healthcare crisis, the real estate crisis, and I fixed the economy. You're welcome.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Really? Monstrous, John? Yes. I think it's quite beautiful. I'm sure you do. I mean, finally, we'll live in a world where a person's value isn't determined by what kind of car they drive or how much money they have in the bank. That's what's in here. And also, what's in there, John? Right here and down in this area. Oh, no. Oh, John, do you want to make some money?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Because I could put you in touch with a guy. No, I don't. You're practically foie gras down there. That's the prime step.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
My first recommendation is to focus on prevention. We need to find a way of stopping these kinds of offenses before they happen. For example, look at priestly garments. Loose, flowing, open robes. These are a horrible breach of trust just waiting to happen. Now, adding a simple button fly...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
May seem like a small thing, but it would give everyone just a little bit more time to calm down and or run.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Is that... Does that... No, no, John. Prepare yourself for the two most important words in church scandal prevention. Altar chimps.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
I see you're grasping the concept. You see, chimps and humans share 96% of the DNA. But crucially, not the 4% that is sexually attractive to priests. I see. Interesting.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
I've seen chimps. They're perfectly capable of snuffing out candles, collecting hymn books, passing the collection plate. And in the unlikely attempt of an attempted molestation, they can defend themselves. They can throw feces at priests or chew their faces off.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Yes, I hate to admit it, but you're right. What is required here, sweeping changes in the way the church operates. That's why my second solution comes in, kill the mood. See, the Catholic Church is a far too sexy place.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Oh, really? Well, yeah. But sexy? Yes, they're extremely sensual places. The soft music, the candlelight, wine, incense. The whole seductive dance creates a climate where all Catholics can do is think about sex and then hate themselves. So... I understand. Let's de-sexify. Instead of communion wine, make everyone drink a gallon of whole milk.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Well, this administration feels that the areas of the nation they're most concerned about, Houston, Sun Valley, Scottsdale, they'll all be just fine. Of course, Manhattan will be more or less a swim-up bar for Long Island and New Jersey, but basically that's what it is now anyway, so...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Instead of swinging around a censer full of the heady aroma of incense, hit them in the face with Febreze. Oh, God!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
And you notice how it has completely diffused the sexual tension between us.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
It was there. All right. Finally, the music. John, listen to this. Oh, boy. Put a sock over the church door handle. I'm getting hot and bothered. Let me get my Febreze. No, please don't do that again. You sure? Yes. Fine. If you must have music, we have to make it the sonic opposite of seduction. No offense, John, but perhaps we could use music from your religious traditions. I get it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Don't get me wrong, John. Klezmer is great for scaring off Cossacks, but it is not. It is not smooch music, I think you'd agree. It is sometimes.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Well, that brings us to solution number three, John, accountability. Finally, there needs to be a system where guilty priests can unburden themselves by going into a small room and talking privately and then have a chance to atone for what they've done.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
My idea is slightly different. Instead of wood-paneled walls, we would use reinforced concrete. Instead of a traditional confessional screen, we can increase transparency in the church with five-inch-thick bulletproof glass. And to ensure that this is a safe space for these priests, why not place a number of armed guards nearby?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Well, you could call it that. I prefer to call it a maximum security monastery. Thank you very much. John Hodgman.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Well, the president's position is the answer isn't regulation, but American ingenuity.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
No, no, no. This administration is very proactive. Using genetic testing, they've already isolated two young children whom they think have the best chance of solving the global warming crisis. LAUGHTER Most likely through some kind of anti-global warming machine. An aerosol spray of some kind. Or a gel. Anyway, to keep them safe, they've been placed in a raft on stilts.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Given some science books, but no television. And they can't get off until one of them cracks this nut.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Oh, my money's on the kid with the bigger head. Between you and me, I think that other one is... unfrozen caveman food.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Oh, not at all, John. It's my privilege to be here. My executive privilege. I still got it. John, what a... What is executive privilege? Executive privilege is a special right of privacy asserted by presidents when they don't want you to hear about something bad they did.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Oh, yes. It's similar to claiming the fifth or, in medieval times, tagging a priest and yelling, sanctuary. At that point, the priest was it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Well, think about it. How often will a president say, oh, my God, these memos prove I've behaved ethically throughout my term of office. Destroy them. No. Presidents invoke it in cases ranging from burglary to sex to racing dogs for money in the White House bowling alley.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
No, I'm not suggesting it. That would violate executive privilege. Instead, I'm showing you this photo. You know, what makes bowling alley dog racing so exciting is that their paws don't get any traction on the wax.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Well, the consensus position among most scientists is it's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Yeah, and Pluto's a planet. It goes all the way back to our so-called first president, George Washington, who cited it regarding foreign policy. So did Thomas Jefferson regarding his love letters to Aaron Burr. James Garfield claimed executive privilege to keep doctors from removing the assassin's bullet that was lodged in his innards for four months. Funny story about Garfield.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
In the end, he died of sepsis. What, too soon? What? John.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Fascinating. Did you know that Richard Nixon owned one of the first cell phones in the United States?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Really? And we're back. Now, the reason presidents claim executive privilege is to protect the public from knowing how it's being governed. There's some truth you just don't want to know. It would be like walking in on your parents while they were having sex with one of your teachers. Scarring.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Well, there's something to that. I mean, here we are with all these people. We're not interacting in the same way we would be in private. Well, you know, John, I don't necessarily know about that. Oh, so you wouldn't mind if I played back our conversation that I taped earlier in your office this afternoon? What conversation am I talking about? I think you know the one.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Chuck, can we roll it, please?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
I do stand by my advice, though, John, that the tie looks great.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Oh, specifically. Well, new findings reveal that in the past five years, the glaciers around Greenland have melted at twice their previous rate. Now, this map shows the contours of the Arctic glacial masses as they exist today. But at this rate of glacial retreat, within only three generations, the seas could rise as much as a meter, changing the map dramatically.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Oh, absolutely. I'm trained in all of the martial arts and the martial crafts. From... From jiu-jitsu to Brazilian capoeira to the Israeli krav maga to the Danish martial art of havarte.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
uh is a mild cheese right yes but on the right cracker it can be deadly john it it seems like mixed martial arts is really sort of exploding and coming into its own how did all this get started well john you might be surprised to learn that fighting has actually been around for a while in all of its various separate forms boxing wrestling passive aggression
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
You don't really want to know. But mixed martial arts, as you might imagine, combines many different fighting techniques. A well-rounded fighter will combine many styles, or he can choose from a menu of up to 12 combat combos. I recommend the number five. It's judo. plus a side order of repeated elbow punching to the neck and unlimited fountain soda.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
I don't recall that actually being... Combat combos, John. The important thing is, two men enter the ring, but only one man... Well, both men leave the ring, but only one of them does so, having won the fight. But I say ring, of course, because it's actually a cage, a cage that is shaped as an octagon.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Well, that's a good question. What do you think?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
If you wanted people to fight in an eight-sided cage, wouldn't the natural choice of shape be an octagon? I'm not trying to embarrass you. It's just you ask me a question like that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Well, first of all, this is not stage. It's not professional wrestling or soccer. These are real men really going at it on the floor of an octagon. I mean, it's no wonder that millions of Americans are forsaking the bloated pomposity of older sports for Ultimate Fighting's more authentic brand of homoeroticism. Those moves are beautiful. That's dancing as much as it is fighting.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Good, because if you did, I'd have to, whoa, whoa, easy. Easy, Copernicus. Don't you get started, Kepler. I'm sorry. But I know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Well, why combine a cell phone with a camera?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Okay, you win this round, but let me say this. It then fits in your pocket, John, and isn't that the promise of America's melting pot?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Easy. It's my training kicking in. I understand.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
I'm not... I'm not... No, John. I'm suggesting that mixed martial arts is a metaphor for a cell phone camera, which in turn represents America. What better emblem for our nation, after all, than a level of playing field shaped like an octagon, where people of diverse cultural ass-kicking traditions can meet as equals and immediately start kicking ass? Stop.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Well, John, most economists define a recession as two consecutive quarters of negative growth, while others look for widespread decline in key indicators, such as retail sales, employment, and real GDP. Amateurs.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Well, I'm a little more old school, John. That's just how I roll. To me, the most tried and true method for determining if you're in a recession begins with this little device right here. Wow. An antique stock ticker. That's... More than that. It's an antique stock ticker with a canary inside. As long as this bird is alive, the economy is doing just fine.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
No, those are unfrozen cavemen moving from place to place. We estimate that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply thaw and wander around, it's not a problem. But if they find a leader, a Captain Caveman, if you will, we will be facing an even more serious problem.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Oh, no, no, no, no. He's fine. He's just taking a little investment nap. Come on. Wake up there, money beak. Come on. Wake up. Okay. That's no good. So this means we're in a recession. Well, let's not be hasty. It's hard to see a recession even when you're in one. The last recession, after all, began in March of 2001.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Economists didn't realize it until eight months later when they had to boil their calendars to make soup. Really?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Yes, really. I said it, didn't I? Indeed you did. Unfortunately, that means the only way to determine if we're in a recession now is to travel into the future.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine: Resident Expert John Hodgman
Well, of course we can't. I only have one time helmet. Turn it on. There we go. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be right back. To the future! Wow. Oh, look. The future is just as I predicted it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
Well, John, I might be a journalist first, but I'm a person second. And what I saw this afternoon was a nation in pain. Roll it, Chuck.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
They were here to send a very clear message to Washington.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
Some were simply too angry for words. and best day of the year. While others were inappropriately articulate.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
And the AIG controversy was just one of the scandals which brought people into the street.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
John, none of us can be 100% sure where I was, but there is one important thing I learned today. What would that be, John?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
After three days in the bush with a guy in a kangaroo suit, it became clear what the real issue with gun control in America is. If guns aren't the problem, Philip, what is the problem? People. People are the problem? Yes. Do you know what? After spending this amount of time with you, Philip, I'm starting to believe that that's partially true. Good. Good.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
After investigating the issue on opposite sides of the earth, I discovered that if Americans really do want gun control, there is actually one thing they can do to get it. Move to Australia.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Unfortunately, not only is Australia actually in the real world, even their animals can holster weapons. So who was right about gun control? There was only one way to find out. Confront the man responsible. Mr Prime Minister, let's begin in the formal Australian way. G'day. How do you do? Obviously gun control doesn't work. It can't work. It will never work. So how was your scheme a failure?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Well, my scheme was not a failure. We had a massacre at a place called Port Arthur 17 years ago, and there have been none since. Zero gun massacres? Hold on.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Did gun control actually work?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Yeah. It was just their mass shootings disappeared.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Yesterday, Americans watched in shock as even watered-down gun legislation died on the floor of the Senate. But that is exactly where it belongs, according to gun lobbyists like Philip Van Cleave of the Virginia Citizens Defense League.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Exactly. They probably barely had a massacre before 1996. There were about 13 in the previous 18 years. In the 18 years before Port Arthur, there were 13 mass shootings.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
But perhaps there were other non-whoop-de-doo side effects. The homicide rate involving the use of guns has declined significantly by factors of up to 50 and 60 percent. And the incidence of youth suicides involving guns has declined dramatically.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Whoop-de- do. Help me out here, Philip. Homicides with guns went down. Suicide with guns also went down. Zero mass shootings.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Unless you can get rid of 100% of crime, it's not worth doing at all.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
So unless we can completely get rid of drugs, there's no point in having drug laws at all.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
You can't argue with Philip. Even his logic is bulletproof.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Right. Right. Right. That's my point. Philip might think that living in a society with dramatically reduced gun violence is a whoop-dee-doo, and people in Australia couldn't agree with him more.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
You hold up this sign whenever I make a suggestion that you think is infringing upon your Second Amendment rights, okay? Okay. Assault weapons ban. Boom, there it is, increased background checks. Really? Yes. Just for background checks?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
In 1996, following a massacre, Australia's conservative government enforced a national buyback of semi-automatic weapons, while also heavily regulating the purchase and storage of other firearms. The result was dramatically reduced levels of gun violence. So why can't we do that here? To find out, I sat down with long-time aide to Harry Reid, Jim Manley.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
And how can a nation of 300 million compete with that?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
And the Democratic Party is working tirelessly to reduce the rate of political suicide among its members. Surely, Australian politicians weren't stupid enough to end their political lives for gun control.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Meet Rob Borbidge, former Premier of Queensland, Australia's most conservative state. In 1996, he was instrumental in enacting gun control, knowing it would cost him his political career in the next election.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
But Jim Manley knows that a true public servant has more important concerns.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
But seeing as we can't rewind the tape, let's just go with the answer you gave on instinct.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Tragically, not everyone understands this. What makes a politician successful? Go.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
No, no, no, Rob. No, look, we can, um... We can actually rewind the tape. Are we rolling?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Rob, I'm going out on a limb here. I've already told someone else that I can't do this when I can.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Okay, so let's just try this one. Okay. Nice and easy. Sure. A mandatory one-hour waiting period if you buy a gun.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
True success is a lifelong politician like Harry Reid, whose watered-down gun legislation was carefully designed to protect those who needed it most.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Right, you have a perfectly healthy political career and then bang. Just like that. Which means former Australian Prime Minister John Howard has blood on his hands. Do you ever think about the innocent victims of your gun control?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
There were no innocent victims. There were no victims at all. Yeah, that's a photograph of Rob Borbidge. He was incredibly courageous politically in supporting our laws. But politically, he's dead. Bang. Just like that. Well, he lost an election that we all do at some point.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
But Howard is not alone. His deputy prime minister, Tim Fisher, also refuses to accept responsibility for these career massacres.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Not if I could help it. Never again will a political career end in a senseless act of meaningful legislation. This is a film, right? It's just all of these, all of them are dead politically. Okay. Not physically. Physically, they're probably safer than they've ever been before.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Well, it's a very dicey thing.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
I mean, again, just to reiterate, physically, they're absolutely fine. But it makes you think. Unfortunately, what spending time with politically dead Australian politicians made me think about was how horribly wrong we have it in America. Thanks for speaking with me, Rob. Pleasure. You are a great human being. Thank you. It's just by all American standards, you are a...politician.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
And the fact that that is true is why I am now going to walk into the... In America, we're told gun control is not possible. But in Australia, they've shown it is, providing a fantastic lesson for America to ignore.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Previously, I went to Australia, where I learned that in 1996, their government enacted sweeping gun control laws. The result? Reduced gun violence and zero mass shootings. So are there any lessons for America here? Virginia gun advocate Philip Van Cleave has a clear answer.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Exactly. Gun control does not work. What if, hypothetically speaking, what if gun control could work? Which obviously it can't, so we know that it won't, so that's not a problem. But what if it could, due to that time that it did?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Right, there's no similarity with Australia. Australia is a former British colony with a wild frontier that was tamed by brave men who also wiped out almost an entire indigenous population. And we are... not similar to that. Right? Right. Right, because unlike Australia, we Americans know when the guns are taken away, tyranny inevitably follows.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
So, it really isn't crazy paranoia. You're justifiably frightened about ninja police.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Yeah. Sadly, without access to semi-automatic firearms, Australians wouldn't know a thing about real freedom.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
People don't have the same concerns anymore about getting gunned down when they're at a tourist resort. Yeah, but was that worth it? Yes. Was it worth giving up your fundamental freedoms just to not get shot in a gun massacre? Australians must now live in this well-regulated nightmare because of ex-politicians like Rob Borbidge, who smugly thinks that his country has something to teach us.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
But it's pointless for us to study the Australian experience because their fear of gun control back then has no parallels with ours. I mean, what kind of things were you hearing when you suggested gun control?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
No one in America is afraid of Indonesians. Are they afraid of Mexicans and Muslims coming? Maybe. Sure, he claims Australians were angry, but where is the proof?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
Australia. Yes, Australia. In 1996, a conservative prime minister, John Howard, instituted sweeping gun control laws following a mass shooting that shocked the nation. So should we be learning from this effective example? Of course not.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
And I'm not going to give up any guns that they're going to take off me. Are you going to give yours up? OK, there it is.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
And if you think that sounds bats*** crazy, this effective gun control was enacted by conservative politicians against the will of their own base. Our politicians are different. They know that... Gun control doesn't work. Or even if it does... It takes a long time. And to be fair, John Howard and his Deputy Prime Minister Tim Fisher have had since 1996 to enact their sweeping reforms.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | John Oliver on Gun Control
I had to clear it the traditional Aussie way. No, not that way. A walkabout.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
To all my friends, I hope that we have a prosperous, healthy, and secure New Year's. Happy New Year, everybody.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. First of all, thank you for allowing us to go on this emotional journey with you. My pleasure. Now, how is the new diet going for you?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
I think you mean regimen, not regime.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
I actually think it's shortening, vegetable shortening, so it doesn't- It serves up just like ice cream.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen. Steve Carell. Wow. For people at home who are watching this, which one of these two doctors that you met with would you recommend?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
So did you go with another plastic surgeon, one that was less expensive? Well, not exactly.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
You're listening to an iHeart Podcast. You're listening to an iHeart Podcast.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Yeah, and so I think the outsider perspective in comedy always works. The thing with being an immigrant here is you kind of have to learn the exact ways that your outsider perspective can translate. So you kind of have to learn, basically, how that can work. And once it does, you're fine. But until that point, it does feel a little bit like uncharted waters.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You have health insurance. This guy has health insurance. The guy with a skateboard and without functioning shoelaces. How the f*** does that work out? Even visitors to the island were initially impressed.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Tell us something else. If we know nothing else about ourselves, it's that we have guns to a genuinely problematic extent. That is not a fresh insight. Yeah. We genuinely know. Yes, exactly.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I'm so glad. My incredibly insightful advice of wait 24 months worked.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I still can't believe it. I just deep down didn't want to hear from you again for two years. That's all it was.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Oh, no, there wasn't those things.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I think you're now attacking the entire population of TikTok for trying.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
It's a very stylish mustard steak. Yeah, did you guys get fancy suits when you... No, we got no suits. I cannot... We were not given any... I'd never owned a suit. Check out this boomer. Coming on a daily show, telling us how good we have it. We didn't have a desk. We didn't have cameras. I had to go to a place to buy a suit. And doing filpies, you wreck them all the time.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
For years here, there's nothing that made ex-correspondents more angry than hearing that we got free suits when we did. LAUGHTER And, yeah, that was the thing that bothered them the most. It was, no, no, you should have to go into the hole every year just to get a presentable suit. Now, look at you. You're all spiffy. Did the show pay for that? Yeah, the show did. Oh, f*** this. Monograms?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
They... You get monogrammed shirts now? Yeah, well, you know... Comedy Central has changed.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Oh, that's a move that I can't make.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Yeah, I mean... I mean, it's a horrible point, but it's a fair question. I guess now my answer would be, I'm a citizen. You can't do that. But I think the tricky thing is I felt ownership of... It's very dangerous. A British person saying, I felt ownership of this country historically does not go well. It's amazing. I just went to India and I felt like I belonged. LAUGHTER
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Until a few days later when they realized they'd been tricked into receiving socialized care.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I felt at home here long before my legal status was solid. That's the tricky thing as an immigrant. The more I felt at home here, the more cognizant you are of the fact that it's not up to you whether or not you get to stay or not. So it was a massive relief to get my green card and an even bigger relief to get my citizenship.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
So, yeah, despite the fact immigrants tend to talk shit, it's generally the kind of way that you talk shit with someone you genuinely love. Sure. Honestly, as a comedian, I only really talk shit as a way of expressing love. Professionally. Exactly. I don't really know how to express myself sincerely. Right, right. I like you. I'm never going to say that. F*** you, Ronnie. There you see?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You used to play the bad guy in Field Piece, right? You would say things you did not mean just to embody an argument that you do not agree with. Yeah. I mean, in Field Pieces, that's the way that we would operate all the time. In general, I mean, our show's a little different. Like, we're not in the... Yeah, I'm not asking about your show.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I think there'll always be a place for satire. I mean, there was a place for it in Germany in the 30s. It didn't seem to work out that well over there, but they gave it a go. Yeah. So, no, I think there will always be. And I, unlike you, I'm happy for people online to try and do it as well. Ronnie really would like nobody to have a voice. Nobody.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
That is the thing. I don't think Americans understand how rough the US immigration process is. When they say to people, come in the right way, I don't think they realize how literally impossible that is in some aspects. When I got my green card here, they brought it to me in my office upstairs. And they gave me a Budweiser and an apple pie with a little American flag in it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Luckily, Republicans were here to save Hawaiians from themselves. What would you say to Hawaiians who say, I have government mandated health care and I love it?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
And I think they were giving it as if, like, here's a joke, right? Oh, you got it. You were always going to get it. Here it is. And I nearly cried. And for a British person, nearly crying is crying. That's as close... But I was so relieved because I was worried about it so much.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
And so I think you tend to find, like when we were talking before, exactly, when you find out someone just got their green card, you can kind of almost feel the relief coming off it because it's such a concern. It's not easy. No, it is not easy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You did not demonstrate extraordinary ability. That was at median level ability. That is the worst thing about coming in on a visa is, like, occasionally they'll look at the visa and say, what do you do? Because they're expecting a surgeon. Yeah. Someone with a marketable skill. And the moment you say comedian, they're like, this is not for you. Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
That's not... And also, then if it's all go, tell me something funny, like, or what? Is this a fun bit? Or is this the moment I get deported? Do I need a joke on hand? It demonstrates extraordinary ability in terms of word craft. Yes, it's incredibly stressful in a way people don't understand.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Immigrants, that's right. We get the job done. Yeah. I would say, what is more quintessentially American than coming to a country you don't belong in and deciding you're going to stay? Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I mean, I challenge you. You challenge me to be American? Yes. And how would one do that?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
No, no, you've got a freaking tight spiral. We're going to go over there.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Right. And what would you say to a Hawaiian who said, what? That's meaningless. That's just a bit of folksy nonsense that doesn't have any real substance.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
What if that Hawaiian then said, OK, you've got that chance, dazzle me?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
These poor bastards just didn't realize they were living in a socialist nightmare, forced to scrounge for a living, unable even to afford shirts, many driven to suicide. But for those who do survive, what will their world look like?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Exactly. With only four decades of testing, America simply cannot afford to join this dangerous experiment. What would happen, do you think, if this health care system made it to the mainland? That question I couldn't answer. I'll tell you what the answer is. What is the answer? Every single person in the United States would be dead. Thank goodness we have experts like these to save us.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I am a law, a 2,000-page law. Congress passed me without one single flaw. I make sure Wall Street plays by the new regulations, protecting your investments across the entire nation.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I don't want to say it, but you look like s***. easy washington's a tough town john since getting past yeah i've taken a few shots but i'm still standing yeah yes yes i'm still standing i'm still here in fact just last week my all-new consumer financial protection board opened for business as soon as it gets a director we'll be off to the races so wait there's there's no director
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Confirmation in the Senate, there's no motion. Obama could have used a recess appointment to give her the job without her vote, but he didn't do it because his feelings weren't that strong. Wow. But you know what? That's interesting. You know what, John? It doesn't matter. I've still got 400 tough new rules to remake our broken and corrupt financial system.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
They're working great. The ones that are written are working great.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
It's a magic number. Yes, it is. Oh, it's a magic number. It might not be 400 or 150 or 77, but it's 38. And that's a magic number. Let's do this. Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling. LA Clippers forward Dale Wilkinson. Projectors tailback Reggie Rivers. They walk 38. And it's a magic number. Oh, it's a magic number.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You'll just have to take my word for it. He definitely exists.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Lobby, Lobby, that's your stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Hold it. I can't do this. Blaming lobbyists is a cop-out, John. Here's what's going down. This whole financial reform thing is a sham. The only way that Congress would pass me was if the details of my rules and regulations were left unspecified, giving K Street lobbyists all the time they would need to water me down post passage.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Hawaii. Not only is it an island paradise, it's also been held up as a model for healthcare reform. Here, government mandates that businesses give health insurance to any employee working over 20 hours a week, resulting in near universal coverage. Which made it the perfect place for the Republican National Committee to hold their annual meeting and deliver one key message.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
And you know what? Exactly. Boo, exactly. Thank you, boys and girls. Thank you. And do you know what? If any actual tough rule managed to squeak through, Congress people cut the budget of the agency responsible for enforcing it. The whole thing is a giant punt. I'm no law. I'm no law, John. I'm just an undefined, impotent, 2,300-page piece of legislative ****. You see this?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You see this here, John? LAUGHTER I stole this off the Voting Rights Act of 1965!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I know. I'm just a law, but my ass was raw. And my balls put through a circular saw. And everyone who swore up and down to support me Now they want Planned Parenthood to lay term aboard me. Last night I got hit by a car. It's gone too far for this law. Did I mention my ass was f***ing wrong?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Oh, let's see, let's see. Actually, I talked with this one chick. She had a pretty nice rack. Kind of a butter face. Anyway, she said, and I quote, Oh my God! The debate was awesome! You know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Do you think the American people should be thanking the Republican Party for destroying the healthcare bill?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
Well, well, well, look who's come crawling back. Yes. We're all started. I know. It's pretty weird to be back. I do not like being in that guest room at all. Oh, really? That was the one room where I worked here you were not allowed to go in, and I don't like being in it now. It feels like I'm doing something wrong by being inside it. You never snuck in to see a guest? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
We were never allowed to really be in there because it had to be kept nice for the guest. Yeah. And it never really occurred to me one day I might be that, and I still don't feel it. So I put my bag in there and then stood in the corridor for the rest of it. I don't want to be in there at all. Yeah, but this place brings back to my memories. You were here. You were in this building.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I was very much in this building, yeah. This was the reason I came to America, and I was here for eight years. Yeah, same.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
And you were like, no, come before work. There's nothing I like more than talking to people who have questions about how to make field pieces. Yeah. Because it's such a narrow set of skills. Yes. And all of your questions were great. I remember you leaving and thinking, oh, you're going to be fine. Even though you don't have the answers yet, all your questions are right, so you're going to be fine.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
But for some reason, Hawaiians didn't understand how bad their own system was. Healthcare is awesome, you know, especially with my baby.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You do not have a problem. I will say, before... Before we make it too sincere, you do have that unique skill set of not minding being a dick to people.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
You will go hard. In the marrow of my bones, sometimes when our lawyers say they're going to be upset, you go, I'm not having a physical reaction to that at all. Yes. It is of no concern to me whether the Sackler family are mad with me or not. To be honest, I'm a little bit, it's a tingle of happiness. Yeah, but that's kind of what you need to do. Yeah, definitely, yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
I like the feeling of trouble. Yeah, you do, yeah. In comedy, because I'm probably a natural coward in many ways, but when it comes to comedy, I do like the feeling of being in real trouble. Yeah, it's weird. You talked about it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of John Oliver
That is true. That's the amazing thing about doing jobs like this. When you get into comedy, it's not generally thinking that you will see a human being's breakfast time. No. But yeah, that's right. You came very early. You looked bright and early. You showered. I had no complaints.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
What is your take on the constitutional crisis? Well, the reality is the Constitution is badly broken and out of date. Young people in particular never read it anymore, even though it's almost ridiculously easy to steal from the National Archives.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Well, I believe this Fifth Amendment says I don't have to answer that question. All right, I understand. In fact, that means it's a good one, so we're going to keep it. There we go.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Well, let's start at the top, John. It's going to need a hip new name. Constitution. It's very negative, isn't it? Why not something a little more positive? Why not a pro-stitution?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
I've already made the change. Ah. Which brings me to solution number two. Let's trim the fat. I mean, basically, everything after Amendment 10 wasn't written by the founders, so that can go. And some prominent constitutional scholars think we can go even further than that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
A few mallet-wielding, brain-bullied lawyers overruling the will of the people? It's undemocratic, John. And it brings me to my third solution. Let's give the prostitution back to the people. By putting it on the internet. I give you the wiki prostitution. It's a... Open source document, a marketplace of ideas where the will of the people can finally speak.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
It already has 6,000 new amendments, and as you can see, the people in their wisdom have outlawed anchor babies, legalized marijuana, and apparently we have banned werewolves. That makes sense, actually. Team Edward is very active on the Wiki prostitution.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
But wait a minute, John. That's Glenn Beck's defense of the Constitution. It took a long time to write. If that's the criteria, then that screenplay about the Noid that you started back in the late 80s will be the greatest document of all time.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Anyway, you didn't play Senator Sessions' entire soundbite.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
See, John, he was only talking about the Second Amendment. Guns, John. Of course we can't change that clause. Look, the founders made it Sharpie-proof. I can't do anything to it. Damn it. Their original intent is clear.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Or no one minus one? I should tell you that I'm a noted founding father psychologist. As you would know if you had read my book, Men Are From Mars, James Madison was a godlike genius who could do no wrong, and I am the only one who knows what he was thinking. Now, how could you know what James Madison was actually thinking? Didn't you even look at the cover of my book, John? I thought I did.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
I get it straight from James Madison's skull.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
That's a ridiculous premise, John, but I'll play along. After all, even James Madison recognized a higher authority at work.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Yeah, a lot of people think that that's true, but that's an easily fixed misconception. If you scroll down now to New Amendment 6666, I think you'll see that the Bible is now actually a prostitutional amendment. So it's all in there.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
What? Oh, James Madison said the separation of church and state was just their little joke.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Are you saying that this guy actually got a constitutional amendment ratified?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
And that's the story of how Gregory Watson got a... Oh, no, you don't have to look at the camera. Why are you talking? I was just delivering my line.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Hang on, hang on. I'm John Hodgman. I'm still on television sometimes. We're done.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
It's information that is classified in nature. I've said about all I'm going to say on this topic. I think we've exhausted this topic. This is about a half an hour briefing. We can spend all half an hour on it if you like.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Blames Plane Crash on DEI, Lewis Black on Dry January | Vince Beiser
For some people, that looks dry. For others, it might look damp. A damp January would mean only drinking on special occasions, adding more dry days to your month, or consuming fewer drinks in each sitting.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | International Diplomacy
As President Obama said... Very clearly, in a recent speech that he gave at the United Nations General Assembly just a few weeks ago, he said, we in the United States are currently reviewing the way that we gather intelligence.