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The Daily Show: Ears Edition

TDS Time Machine | The World Cup

14 Jun 2026

Transcription

Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.

Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?

0.031 - 27.658

I founded Ornot in 2013. I think the best thing about Shopify is that we can practice business without technical skills. We can manage the company's background systems and front-end and sell online. If Shopify was a bicycle equipment, it would be a bicycle itself. That way things are handled and our business is handled in Shopify. Start a free trial at shopify.com website.

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You're listening to Comedy Central.

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46.994 - 66.753 Jon Stewart

Soccer fans from all over the world that isn't America descended on the tiny continent of Asia last week for the 2002 World Cup, where amidst a high level of security and an even higher level of public shame, the most popular sportsman got underway. The games have produced a stunning upset already.

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66.773 - 98.348 Jon Stewart

Defending champion France lost to Senegal, one to nil, an unbelievably sweet win for Senegal over France. 301 years ago, Senegal was a French colony. Plundered, raped, despoiled of its natural resources, but now they beat them in soccer, won nothing, so I guess it's even. Meanwhile, in Group B action, Paraguay battled South Africa to a 2-2 tie. Whoo, 2-2 tie.

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98.589 - 124.293 Jon Stewart

No love lost between those two countries. Or hate, or commerce, for that matter. They don't... Did you know that overseas what we call soccer is known as football? It's true. And what we call the greatest country on earth, they call the great Satan. But World Cup soccer is really about the fans.

124.754 - 149.42 Jon Stewart

Many of the true diehards, to go along with their face and body paint and colorful wigs, brought novelty items like this Belgian pitchfork and this Irish hammer as creative ways to show their support, as well as give those novelty items a much appreciated chance to visit their homelands. Aside from hosting duties, Japan and South Korea are themselves fielding teams.

149.761 - 168.799 Jon Stewart

The Japanese fan base includes a large contingency of young people excited for their country's first ever appearance in the World Cup, including these Japanese scalpers. Actually, there are plenty of tickets to be had for the event. And in Korea, supporters lined up for their chance to see today's match against Poland.

169.239 - 203.926 Jon Stewart

And after buying one of the 50,000 available tickets, there was only one thing for this fan to say. That, of course, is the winner of Korea's annual Most Attainable Dream competition. But what about the United States team? They're there, too. And U.S. coach Bruce Arena is fired up. I've been at one game, and I thought everything went well. USA soccer. Catch the chronic fatigue syndrome.

206.089 - 209.573 Jon Stewart

Arena was also asked his thoughts about America's match against Portugal.

Chapter 2: What historical moments have defined the World Cup?

260.588 - 285.041 Jon Stewart

They made it to the World Cup quarterfinals. This morning, the United States team stunned Mexico 2-0 to advance to the World Cup quarterfinals for the first time since 1930. The win goes a long way towards establishing the United States as a legitimate soccer power. More importantly, it gives this country a big psychological boost.

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286.002 - 337.416 Jon Stewart

Finally, paying back Mexico for that time that they... You know, when Mexico... You know what? Mexico probably needed this win more than we did, quite frankly. They're the ones running here. For now, though, the streets of America's soccer-crazed urban centers are teeming with one fan in particular speaking for an entire grateful nation. We've all been there. You know, interesting note.

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338.948 - 368.449 Jon Stewart

Interesting note, the man's face isn't actually painted. He's just embarrassed here. He saw a ghost here and here and is choking here. After his winning goal, emerging United States star Landon Donovan followed soccer's celebratory etiquette and removed his shirt in jubilation. Player stripping is a ubiquitous occurrence at the World Cup, but just why do they do it?

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369.07 - 382.248 Jon Stewart

For more, we take you out to South Korea, where our chief World Cup correspondent Rob Corddry is standing by. Rob, thanks for joining us. Thank you, John. Rob, what a fantastic win, but I gotta ask you, when they score a goal, why do they take their shirts off?

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382.929 - 418.766 Jon Stewart

John, players removing their shirts during the bright flash of victory is a healthy and natural expression of their virtuous but long-sublimated warrior selves. This kind of aggressive, delicate poetry is summoned when our most elite physical champions succeed at what they were put on Earth to do. Simply put, they do it because it is beautiful. And beauty must be honored. Wow. Thank you, Rob.

418.786 - 429.917 Jon Stewart

That was a really insightful report. Thank you. You liked it? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah! Woo! Yeah!

430.317 - 433.744 John Oliver

Best report ever!

435.146 - 437.351 Jon Stewart

Woo!

437.391 - 437.611 John Oliver

Woo!

Chapter 3: How has American soccer evolved over the years?

894.329 - 931.347 Jon Stewart

Pele is a person. You can't count out the black pearl, John, but I'd rather not make a prediction. I'd like to sit back and enjoy these games. The great thing about the World Cup is 32 nations enter the tournament, but only one will move on. Move on? Yes, to face other planetary champions in the Galaxy Cup. Happens every millennium. And for 3K, I will make a prediction. Rigel 7, unbeatable.

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932.549 - 975.123 Jon Stewart

Why Rigel 7, John? They've got tentacles. And they're building a robo-pele. All right. John Hodgman, everybody. This Saturday, the United States of America is playing our first World Cup match against our frenemies across the pond. Angling. Angling. No one is more excited than our very own John Oliver. Everyone's talking about the big game on Saturday.

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975.403 - 998.54 Jon Stewart

The Americans will take on one of the tournament favorites, England. That's right, England, the country that lives and breathes the sport, home of the Premier League. Here's Rooney! We literally invented the game. And on June 12th, we'll face off against the USA, the clown college of football.

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999.421 - 1033.819 Jon Stewart

So when I was given the privilege of reporting from the US World Cup training camp, I approached it with the appropriate level of reverence. I'm here with the magnificent US soccer team. I'm sorry. I'll try again. United States soccer team. I just think it's something serious. OK, Darfur, Darfur, Darfur. I'm here with... I've got it, I've got it. I'm here with the United States soccer team.

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1033.839 - 1045.052 Jon Stewart

I think we've got it. Still, they had technically qualified for this World Cup and deserve to be treated with respect.

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You know, a chance to play England in the first game is, you know, is awesome. Do you have a positive mindset going into the game? Definitely.

1053.616 - 1058.705 Jon Stewart

Why? Why do you have a positive mindset when you're staring to the abyss of inevitable defeat?

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You know, there's no easy games in a World Cup.

1061.13 - 1082.688 Jon Stewart

Right. I mean, there are no easy games in international football anymore, apart from the US. And you never get to play yourself. Is that fair? Of course, being an American soccer player presented own unique challenges. How did you tell your parents that you wanted to be an American soccer player? Um, it was pretty easy. They were very supportive.

Chapter 4: What unique challenges did South Africa face as a host nation?

1478.333 - 1502.482 Jon Stewart

It's interesting the result is proof, I guess, that both teams are equally good. They had the... No, actually, that's not it at all, John. That's not a fair... I think it's actually the definition of what happened. It's not. Both teams get the exact same amount of points, which means they are, in fact, not even subjectively, they are mathematically, I believe, equal. We're the same. No, no.

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1502.542 - 1531.237 Jon Stewart

We are exactly as good as each other. You've got this horribly and embarrassingly... Not a molecule more, not a molecule less. No, no, no, John, because England are scientifically a far better team, so... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. You're right, I apologize. No one is better at not beating America... than England. So that was the result. It was a fine result, and we'll take it.

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1531.257 - 1550.746 Jon Stewart

Just if I may say, I have a quick comment on the back of that, John. Please. Go yourself, Stuart. And if I may, return the volley and say to you, John Oliver, to go yourself the exact same amount. Because we are equal. It's not... You're misunderstanding this.

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1550.766 - 1551.691 John Oliver

You're totally misunderstanding this.

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1551.751 - 1554.222 Jon Stewart

I misunderstand nothing! Nothing!

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I founded Ornot in 2013. I think the best thing about Shopify is that we can practice business without technical skills. We can manage the company's background systems and front-end and sell online. If Shopify was a bicycle, I think it would be a bicycle itself. That way things are handled and our business is handled in Shopify. Start your free trial at shopify.com.

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Olen Shannon Maldonado, kƤsintehtyjƤ artesaanituotteita myyvƤn Jaui lahjakaupan perustaja. Valitsin Shopify, koska alustoja testatessani totesin sen ehdottomasti yhdeksi helppokƤyttƶisimmistƤ alustoista. Minulla oli tƤrkeƤƤ pohtia kehittymistƤmme tulevaisuudessa. Kaikki myyntiin tarvittavat tyƶkalut, kuten varaston suunnittelu, ovat kƤtevƤsti dashboardissa.

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Aloita ilmainen kokeilu shopify.com-sivustolla.

1615.424 - 1650.901 Jon Stewart

Welcome to The Daily Show, my name is John Gold! Sorry. I'm just still a little excited about Landon Donovan's Gold! Gold! Fellas, fellas, get off him, he can't breathe! The U.S. soccer team has been sent to the next round of the World Cup, the Final 16. Huge! For two reasons. First, obviously national pride.

Chapter 5: How did the World Cup impact national pride in the USA?

1771.233 - 1796.918 Jon Stewart

Soccer. Yes. Denial. I've been there, John. Don't worry. Life gets easier from here. There's a lot less pressure on you. Your flag gets set on fire less. Your abysmal math scores are now ranked as pretty good, considering. Let's be honest. For the most powerful country in the world, you were in pretty bad shape. But for a third world country, you're easily in the top five.

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1797.893 - 1823.918 Jon Stewart

easily and now no longer are you gonna have to act like you're above the rest of the planet's favorite sport all right well thank you very much john by the way you're uh obviously going against germany in the next round yes yeah looking forward to that that's a difficult match so i'm not saying it's easy but i'm looking forward to it all right well if germany gives you guys uh england your side any trouble and you need america to swoop in and bail your asses out again let us know

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1829.652 - 1838.422 John Oliver

Fuck you! Fuck you so much! Fuck you, John!

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1838.442 - 1880.129 Jon Stewart

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! The entire world, the entire world, the entire world, except obviously for France and Italy, is ablaze with World Cup fever. But what does this World Cup mean to Africa? John Oliver finds out in his first dispatch from South Africa. Africa, a land known for its stunning vistas, magnificent wildlife and all the sounds of nature. And now this.

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1880.91 - 1897.594 Jon Stewart

The first African World Cup. The first World Cup held on African soil. To learn more about this landmark event, I headed to beautiful Johannesburg to meet the spokesman for the World Cup Committee. This is the first African World Cup. This is going to put Africa on the map. On the map.

1897.574 - 1928.46 Jon Stewart

And they've made this World Cup as African as can be, starting with the official song by a local artist named Shakira. Shakira. What tribe is she from? Well, she's not actually African, she's Colombian. African, Colombian, doesn't matter. The point is, she's not white. Yes. She's even honoured Africa by performing in Oil Face in her videos. But that was just the beginning.

1928.941 - 1956.133 Jon Stewart

Outside the stadium, it was an explosion of African culture. From the beverages, to the food, to the traditional African hand-carved FIFA ballpoint pens. They even provided the local street vendors, who'd been working the stadiums for decades, with their own special zone, conveniently located nowhere near bothersome customers.

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FIFA has imposed one kilometer radius from the stadium.

1960.924 - 1969.764 John Oliver

Street vendors will not be allowed to trade. People that have been preferred in this World Cup will be the McDonald's, the Coca-Cola's and all these European companies.

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