Jon Stewart

You're listening to Comedy Central.

Early Saturday morning, American Israel launched a surprise war against Iran.

I call it a surprise war because here's what one of the mediators said after negotiations on Friday.

Oh, the peace deal is within our reach.

But it turns out the bomb shit button was much closer.

The devastating effects of a regional war have made everyone very nervous and one person very happy.

This enables us to do what I have long hoped to do for 40 years.

I've had four decades of regime change blue balls.

But, of course, the announcement that our nation is at war is the most solemn moment of any president's tenure and an opportunity to reassure an anxious nation and to reaffirm the righteousness of the cause.

A short time ago, the United States military began major combat operations in Iran.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Can I just jump in here real quick?

This is how we're doing this?

2 a.m., Mar-a-Lago basement, no lighting?

You don't even have one of those influencer halo things?

You go down in the basement and this is what we're wearing?

Blazer, no tie, shirt unbuttoned?

Looking more like the father of the bride settling up with the caterer?

Is that what we're doing?

And not to nitpick, obviously, but baseball hat?