TDS Time Machine | The Oscars

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The Daily Show: Ears Edition 32 min 6 chapters transcribed
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?

You're listening to Comedy Central. A four hour telecast and I lost my office pool after three minutes. Though you probably haven't heard of it, in Los Angeles last night, there was a ceremony called the Academy Awards, also known to insiders as the Oscars, where, get this, the movie business gives itself prizes.

What highlights does The Daily Show cover from past Oscars?

And because no other news organization thought it was big enough to cover, The Daily Show has decided to stand alone and give you these exclusive highlights. The awards were hosted by Whoopi Goldberg, who was responsible for more bombs than Saving Private Ryan and the Thin Red Line put together. Without the ability to censor the live broadcast, Whoopi's repeated profanity went unchecked. I thought the blacklist was me and Hattie McDaniel. Hi, Goldie. I curse. Sit down. Oh, s***. Later, while apologizing to the Academy, the streetwise Whoopi inadvertently used the word 14 more times, along with seven hoes and one biatch. Tom Hanks showed up. Tom Hanks showed up with a beard, just so that hilarious guy at the water cooler could do that shaving Private Ryan bit he's been dying to use.
Other big names on hand included Celine Dion, who can be seen here arriving from the filming of a Virginia Slims commercial. And check out double winner Roberto Benigni, displaying the joy of a man who's never had to work within the Hollywood studio system. Here, Benigni learns life is beautiful just won best foreign film. And later, learning he's won for best actor. And here's Roberto when it was announced that he had to move his car because it was blocking the fire lanes. The winner in this year's best actress category was Shakespeare in Love's Gwyneth Paltrow. I think the rest of our miraculous cast and crew are producers Donna Gelati and David Parfitt. I didn't forget you this time. Gwyneth wore a fabulous pink satin gown and was so overcome with emotion, you could barely hear her shoulder blades rubbing together.

How did Jon Stewart's hosting compare to John Oliver's ratings?

Gwyneth left the stage with Jack Nicholson because it's her turn. The highlight of the evening had to be the spellbinding dance number that interpreted the meaning of the five nominated films, including this number for Saving Private Ryan. Oh. Oh, yeah, that's definitely where the guy gets his leg blown off, right? Here, Spanish flamenco dancer Joaquin Cortez interprets a scene from Life is Beautiful before going backstage to have sex with everybody. Acclaimed director Ilya Kazan, perhaps best known because his name appears in 95% of all crossword puzzles, was honored for motivating Senator Joseph McCarthy to perhaps his finest screen performance ever. Some of the stars refused to stand and applaud Kazan because they're communists undermining the very fabric of our great country.
Go back to Moscow, Ivan! During the presentation, director Martin Scorsese stood behind Kazan trying to protect himself from the angry protestors who surrounded Robert De Niro in the parking lot and gave him this haircut. Producer of The Goonies and Batteries Not Included, Steven Spielberg took home the Oscar as best director for his work on Saving Private Ryan. What I'd like to do is just thank very, very sincerely the families who lost sons in World War II. He also won four years ago for Schindler's List, which means Spielberg's now made more money off of World War II than most Swiss banks. For more on all the Oscars happenings, we're joined by John Oliver in Hollywood, California. John, thanks so much for joining us.
It's good to see you. Thank you so much for joining us. Well, thank you for leaving me behind here, John. Well, John, it was quite a night, especially for Europe, John. Daniel Day-Lewis, Javier Bardem, Marianne Cotillard, Tilda Swinton, all the major acting awards. Absolutely, John, a triumph for the old world. A throwback to a simpler time when we Europeans first swept down on this continent, plundering your gold, leaving you humiliated, bitter, and dying of smallpox.

What comedic moments did Lewis Black bring to the Oscars coverage?

It was a magical night, John. And may I say, your performance was terrific. Wow, John, that's very kind of you.

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