Trump Puts the Squeeze on Venezuela's Oil & Eyes Greenland as Next Target | Stephen J. Dubner
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You're listening to Comedy Central. From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central, it's America's only source for news. This is The Daily Show with your host, Ronnie T.
to The Daily Show. I'm Roy Chang. We got so much to talk about tonight. Trump grabs more oil than Diddy. The new Batman reboot sucks. And did you know Iceland is actually green? And Greenland is actually under threat from the president of the United States. So let's find out more in our ongoing coverage of the war in Venezuela. Leave the oil to me. It's been five days since America invaded Venezuela, arrested its president, and seized control of the country. And now, the real work begins. Nation building. I'm sorry, I read that wrong. I meant narrative building. The bottom line is we now have freedom in Venezuela. I have so many Venezuelan friends. They are crying tears of joy. This is their first real opportunity to experience democracy and freedom.
Listen, people smell freedom in the air and they can thank Donald J. Trump. That's right, Trump is stinking up the joint with freedom. Can you smell it? It's just crop dusting our hemisphere of democracy. Breathe it in, people. Finally, the Venezuelan people are in charge of their own destiny. Let's see exactly what kind of freedom they have won. President Donald Trump announced that Venezuela will be giving the U.S. 30 to 50 million barrels of oil to be sold. This oil will be sold at its market price and that money will be controlled by me as president of the United States of America. Okay, okay, look. Say what you want about his corruption. At least Trump is hands-on with it, okay? Dick Cheney had to funnel it through Halliburton or whatever, but Donald Trump is like, yo, just give me the oil.
I'll open a gas pump outside the Oval Office, okay? Just come drive right up, but no Amex. So, yes, Venezuela has agreed to hand over approximately $2 billion worth of oil to the United States out of the goodness of their hearts and because we are mugging them, which seems harsh, but you know what? A little bit of oil money for President Trump is a small price to pay for illegally kidnapping the president. And now that this payoff is taken care of, America will get out of your hair. Goodbye forever, Venezuela. You're finally free. The U.S. now imposing a military blockade on its oil exports, using it as leverage to get Venezuela to give in to the Trump administration's demands. The U.S. has conveyed to the interim leader of Venezuela that she must agree to partner exclusively with the U.S.
on oil production and kick out officials from China, Russia, Iran, and Cuba, severing all economic ties with those countries. I think we all know what's going on here. Ladies, when your new boyfriend forces you to cut ties with all of your friends, he's a keeper. Sorry, it kind of feels like Trump wants to be the new dictator of Venezuela, but that can't be right.
What is Trump's strategy for taking control of Venezuela's oil?
Right? We obviously have maximum leverage over the interim authorities. Their decisions are going to continue to be dictated by the United States of America. Okay, look, I know how that sounds, but just because you dictate doesn't make you a dictator. Okay? Because, no, it doesn't. Because dictators, they live in like a gold palace or something. Oh, all right. And to any Venezuelans looking for advice on how to get rid of Donald Trump, we have no idea. But I can tell you one thing that doesn't work, satire. Doesn't do shit. but if you're in a country in the area and this sounds like a good deal, well, good news, you're next. This is the start of a change in Venezuela, then we're gonna fix Cuba, Nicaragua will get fixed, next year we'll get a new president in Colombia.
Democracy is coming back to this hemisphere. Okay, first of all, congratulations to this guy on surviving the arc of the covenant.
And second, look, okay, the world is a messed up place. If an oil rampage is what it takes to spread democracy, maybe that's what it takes, okay? Stop being such babies. So which of these tyrannical dictatorships are we going after next?
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