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Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
that he's going to keep that same schedule even when our child arrives.
Does he get paid for this coaching?
He does. However, he keeps that money.
Okay. So tell me more about that. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming in hot. Hope you guys are doing great.
wherever you happen to be listening, whether you're here in the States, if you're somewhere across the oceans, we're glad you are with us talking about your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriages, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. I'd love to have you on the show. Click the link in the show notes and it will send you to the form.
And that form goes right to the magistrate, Ms. Kelly herself. Let's roll out to New Orleans, Louisiana. Talk to Christina. What's up, Christina?
Hi, good morning.
Good morning. What's up?
Just wanted a little advice about commitments and marriage as far as commitments of each spouse over commitments and how to kind of prioritize different things.
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Chapter 2: How can I address my husband's lack of family prioritization?
What's he doing?
Not committing, right? No. Yes, he's committed to our marriage, yes, of course. But he is overcommitted in other areas of his life. He coaches a lot of baseball, does lessons, a lot of things on the side. We are expecting our first child in October. So I just want us to know how to navigate that.
Because he is pretty persistent that he's going to keep that same schedule even when our child arrives.
So one of my favorite things I've discovered over the last few years is somebody says, hey, I want to work on my communication in my marriage. And what they're really saying is, how do I get my spouse to do what I want them to do? So you're like, I just want to get some tips on commitment and marriage.
And really, it sounds like you want your husband to be plugged in with you and this new baby that's coming.
Well, yes, absolutely. Okay. I know he loves doing this, so I still want him to be able to do it in some aspects. I just don't think he realizes how hard it's going to be.
Okay. So I want to reverse engineer this question. Okay. And it's going to sound accusatory and it is not, I'm just going on a fact finding mission. Okay. So, um, tell me about like, take the, take the coaching stuff off the table for a second. Um, is your husband a good man?
Yes, absolutely.
Okay. Does he love you?
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Chapter 3: What steps can I take to improve communication in my marriage?
And here's where I'm getting at. You got a guy who works in sales that has a real-time daily scorecard about how he's doing or not doing. More sales equals more money equals I'm winning. right? Coaching, like having a side business, athletes that go do well, like all those things come with, no pun intended, an actual scorecard.
And for a husband, I hear this over and over and over across the country, and I've lived this, people tend to lean towards where they're celebrated, right? And if parents are saying, man, you have changed my son's life or kids are suddenly throwing faster or getting more hits and it feels like I'm winning over here. And then I come home and I don't feel like I'm winning here.
So the best thing I'm gonna do for the family, I remember getting to a place personally where I thought the greatest gift I could give my wife and my young son was to not be around. And that was a complete failure. like completely not true, but it was a story that I eventually made up in my own head about myself. Right?
And so that may not be the case at all in your home, but I want you to be reflective on, when my husband walks through the door, does he know he's winning here? And does he know what an important role he plays here? Okay? The marriage y'all had is officially over. It doesn't exist anymore.
And you're going to have a new marriage for about 10 months, and then you're going to get a completely new marriage again. And so what I always recommend in these moments is when you find out you're pregnant, marriage as you knew it is over. Now you got a new marriage for a season, and then you're about to get a new marriage because you're about to have a kid.
And everything y'all knew is different now. Having that conversation upfront is clearing the deck and saying, hey, we get to build what this new marriage looks like. What do you want it to look like? What do I want it to look like? How do we want our home to feel? Let's reverse engineer and build that thing together.
Otherwise, if you don't start at the root, if you don't start at the foundation of your old marriage, what happens is it gets into what I call these proxy wars, which is you're never here or you're always doing this and all you want to do is this and you're always, you see what I'm saying? And it becomes a game of whack-a-mole
And at the core, everybody starts to slowly drift further and further apart from each other. You become co-managers, right?
And I feel like that part of that whack-a-mole is going on now. Okay. He's never here.
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Chapter 4: How do I navigate my husband's commitments outside of family?
I can't plan anything. I'm just kind of by myself. I go to things here and there, but I don't really exactly want to spend every day, all day on my weekends at the baseball field. I work some weekends also, so I'm not able to go, but the conversations usually don't go very well.
Okay. And my guess is you say you were gone last weekend and he said you were working and you're like, well, that's not what I meant actually. Right.
Yeah.
Okay. Have you ever started a conversation with, I miss you?
Absolutely.
How does he respond to that?
he misses me too and he never he says he never wants to not come home to me he's excited when he gets to come home to me at least he's you know home he's home now let's make the best of it but by that point I'm usually tired or frustrated or you know it's late right he gets home and he's like all right sexy time and you're like nope I'm like it's 10 o'clock I'm going to bed I'm
Which he feels like, oh, she doesn't even want me here. And then he gets a Venmo for $250. And then he gets a request for, hey, do you have room for another private lesson? He says yes. And the dance continues, right?
Yeah, correct.
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Chapter 5: What factors should I consider when discussing boundaries with my spouse?
But it's a way to get to the actual root of what's happening, especially when you say, here's what I would like to be different now. Now you went real quiet on me. Are you nervous to have that conversation or it's not going to go well? Or tell me what you're feeling.
No, I'm not nervous. I'm just taking it all in. Okay. It's very good advice and a great conversation that needs to happen.
Okay. I'm going to give you one more thing. Okay. Okay. And this is an additional thing that I've learned over the years, sitting with countless couples. I want you to say, if nothing changes, here's what I'm going to do next. Okay. Okay? And that can be really scary to say out loud. The story I'm making up is, I'm going to have this newborn.
You're going to be gone every Saturday and every Sunday like you are right now. That makes me feel scared. That makes me feel alone. That makes me sad for our kid because I think you're pretty amazing. I would like it if we all come first and baseball gets reduced dramatically in our home. But if you're gone every Saturday and Sunday, I'm going to start planning trips with just me and the baby.
I'm going to spend weekends with my parents because I don't want to be alone all the time. I'd rather be with you. But you and him sitting down saying, we get to build whatever world we want. Our old marriage is over. We're going to have a building regardless. And I don't want it to just be a lean to kind of concoction of our old marriage and resentment and annoyances.
Let's clear this whole foundation. And the pillars of this new thing are going to be, do we see each other? Are we constantly getting to know each other? Do we celebrate the bloody hell out of each other? And we challenge each other when appropriate, right? And do we do this every day? Do we do it every week? Do we do it every month? And we do it once a year?
We just redesign our whole marriage every year. What does that look like? And my guess is both of y'all are going to have some stories y'all have both made up about each other and about your marriage that are going to be painful to hear. And that's part of getting to the next step, which is we are ride or die. We got a kid coming. This is our marriage. Let's rebuild the thing we want.
We can build whatever marriage we want. And then we'll go get it. And it might mean he's got to just take a season where he's not coaching. So be it. You're way more important than that. And your new kid is, and your marriage is way more important than somebody else's kid throwing the baseball real fast. And if you know it brings them joy and love, like, dude, go do private coaching for a while.
Like in the evenings when I'm just cashed out of sleep, yeah, go do that. It's like my wife, like, dude, I go to bed, she goes to bed at nine o'clock. John, go to the comedy club, tell jokes. I don't even think you're funny, right? But go do that stuff. That's part of negotiating and navigating, building an amazing marriage together. Thanks for the call, sister.
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Chapter 6: How can I effectively express my feelings about my husband's behavior?
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All right, let's grab a lager and sit by Harvard and go to Boston and talk to Matt Damon. What's up, Matt? Going on, Dr. John.
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Chapter 7: What strategies can I use to support my daughter's boundaries?
Still fun. So what's up, man?
I guess... So I went through... I've had a tough life, I suppose, and I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. Tell me about it. Tell me about it. I guess the bullet points. I mean, growing up, I had a lot of dysfunctional family. Parents died when I was young, adopted by my grandparents who were dysfunctional. Some abuse and watched a lot of family just fall apart.
And so I've never seen successful relationships really up close. And I guess... on my path to success here. I was kind of doing it on my own and just figuring it out and succeeding in a lot of ways, but still struggling on the relationship front. Um, left home when I was like 18 and went out on my own, which, which helped a lot.
But I got into a good relationship when I was like 21 and it was good for a year and a half, but we ended up getting engaged and then moved in together and, um, I ended up sleeping with someone else when I was, like, blackout drunk. And I've changed everything since. It's been, like, a year and a half since that time.
And, like, it wasn't... It was just... I did it, woke up, knew I had to tell her, and confronted it head-on and tried to fix everything. But she didn't want any... Well, she acted like she did for, like, a year and dragged it on, but she... wanted revenge and she got it. But so now that's all behind me and I'm trying to move forward.
Are y'all still together? Y'all broke up.
We broke up. We were trying to fix it for like a year. Like, so all that happened in like October of 24 and then, um, August or September last year, I found out, I guess the truth of everything she had been doing for that year while I was trying to, um, fix everything. And she was just looking for revenge and she got it. So I'm trying to recover from that.
And, um, I ended up finding Jesus and committing myself to God. And I haven't touched alcohol since October of 2024.
Congratulations, man.
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Chapter 8: How can I encourage my husband to seek help for his issues?
Yeah. And I know that's easy to say, right? That's not what healing is, right? Yeah.
It's my responsibility to deal with it and move forward now.
That's right. It's your responsibility to set it down. Yeah. And when you were 21 years old, you did dumb things. You did things that violated your core values. You know who's done that? Everybody. Maybe not to the extent you did, but everybody has things about themselves that they look back at their 21, 22, 23-year-old self and they're like, whoa.
Or in my case, their 30-year-old self or 35-year-old. That's going to be the story of our lives, which is everybody needs redemption all the time. But what I don't want you to start doing now is to start thinking, there's parts of me I have to hide because you've been playing that shell game your whole freaking life.
Right? I'm usually pretty upfront about sharing stuff. A lot of the way I've overcome... everything I've been through is just being upfront about that stuff and sharing myself as openly as possible. So people can criticize it or, you know, adjust where I'm going.
Or, or, or, or you put it all out there so that they'll leave before it gets too close and too hard.
Yeah.
That sounds more like it. Yeah. I'm going to dump every, all the trash on the table the first time I meet you or the second time I meet you. And you're going to be caught off guard by the smell of that trash. You're going to leave. And I'll be like, see, they left. You want to push other people away, right? Before they have a chance to love you deeply. And your parents passed away.
Those who came to take care of you abused you. Your strategy for survival makes perfect sense. And if you've listened to my show ever, you've heard me say this, but the things that kept you safe as a kid... are gonna really negatively impact your adult relationships.
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