Chapter 1: What should I do if my husband is sending mixed signals about leaving?
Eight months ago, he shared that he wanted to separate. We have two young kids and I don't want to instill this like wishy-washy value into them. If we were having a longer conversation and we were sitting down like having nachos or something, I would take a lot longer to get to where I'm about to go, okay? Hey, what's going on?
This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. taking real calls from people all over the planet about their mental and emotional health, their relationships, their marriages, their kids, whatever they got going on in their life. I got two PhDs. I've been sitting with hurting people for more than two decades.
And that's what we do on the show, is try to figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, fill out the form. I don't take question and answers on social media, but I would love for you to write in with what's going on in your life. And if we pick you for the show, we'll holler back, girl, at you.
Kelly ain't no hollaback girl, allegedly. But she produces the show. She's awesome. And she'll call you and get you on. And I would love to sit and talk with you. Let's go out to Baltimore, Maryland and talk to Lisa. What's up, Lisa?
Chapter 2: How can I protect my children from marital conflict?
Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing all right. How about you? I'm great. No, you're not. You wouldn't call me if you're great. What's going on? So my husband has been sharing some like second mixed signals, I guess. After about eight months ago, he shared that he wanted to separate, which kind of blindsided me.
We had always said that like we weren't interested and we didn't like necessarily believe in separating and divorce and all of that. So after... He said that, like I said, it's been eight months and nothing really has happened.
The only time I noticed that things are happening is like kind of in response to something that I've said, something that a therapist has said and nothing like, it's just like him making a move. So really my question is, we have two young kids and I don't want to instill this like wishy-washy,
value into them um so i'm just really not sure what the next move is yeah um a that breaks my heart for you like being relationally blindsided i think is one of the most off-kiltering things a person can experience when it's a true blind side right like didn't see this coming um
If we were having a longer conversation and we were sitting down like having nachos or something, I would take a lot longer to get to where I'm about to go. Okay. Okay. So can I just go direct and tell you to buckle up?
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Chapter 3: What are the signs of emotional abuse in a marriage?
Is that cool? Yeah. Okay. He's not on the phone. So I just want to talk directly with you. Okay. If your main concern for your kids is, is that sense, and I totally get what you're talking about, that wishy-washy, nobody firmly has either of their feet on the ground.
My question for you is, why have you allowed this to go on for eight months without turning all the lights on in the house, turning off all the dancing, all the music, all the drama, and sitting down at the table and saying, you told me you were gonna leave. I need clarity on this. Tell me about the gap between what you're feeling and that step, like that clarity action step. Yeah, so...
I mean, there's a couple of pieces. I mean, for starters, I don't want him to, so I don't necessarily want to spear him in that direction. And then also on top of this, we've had some like family health issues arise that have taken my attention away from the home and trying to be a part-time caretaker. So it's like one of those things where I'm just kind of like at my breaking point of
not being able to just like manage everybody's emotions. Yes. Okay. So your fear that putting this on the table and bringing it up will bring it to reality.
Chapter 4: How can I rebuild trust after an affair?
That's a, it's a false fear. Okay. Okay. Um, he made a threat. All right. Maybe as a threat, maybe it was an intention. I don't, he's not on the phone, so I don't know why he would have said that and then just kept going on. Like everything was the same. He might have been testing the waters with you. He might have just been having a really bad day.
He may have been having an emotional affair with somebody and he was about to cross a line. And so he put that on the table real fast. Like who knows why he did what he did. But if somebody throws something into a pool, let's say they throw like a brick into a pool, not talking about that brick doesn't make it any less real.
So your husband fractured the stability of your marriage by saying what he said. And evidently he did it in a way that caught you so off guard too. Not addressing it doesn't make that crack any bigger. It just drains all the water out of the pool so we can actually deal with that brick that's sitting at the bottom. That's fair. And so I don't know another way through this than right through it.
Chapter 5: What steps should I take if my spouse is emotionally unstable?
Okay. Why did he say he wants to separate? Well, we had been having kind of a rough couple of months, year-ish period. He wasn't... I don't think he was feeling valued. What was rough about it? Just... The biggest piece... Well, on both sides. One side was leading up to this. He was having...
he had voiced his opinion about like that are about our intimacy and how he felt like his needs weren't being met. Um, and this is like simultaneously when I'm pregnant and having, um, immediate in that postpartum period. Yeah. That's a whole other call. On behalf of good husbands everywhere. I apologize. Well, thank you. It's so stupid and wrong and bullheaded and insensitive and just stupid.
But it is what it is. Right. So you're pregnant. You had a child.
Chapter 6: How do I set boundaries for my husband's behavior?
You're going through... How old's your oldest? Three. Okay. So you have two kids, two and under at the time. Mm-hmm. And... he starts pouting that he's not getting as much sex as he wants. And then he blindsides you with, you know what? I just, let's just call it. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's man. Yeah. And it's like, I mean, I mean, on paper, it's so clear to me.
But I think the hard part that I'm trying to figure out, too, is that, like, I'm watching other areas of his life kind of blow up. He's cutting off relationships with other people that had meant something to him. He's been having issues at work. So it's like I've been knowing him for as long as I have. It almost feels like he's having some sort of crisis that's being taken out on me.
But at the same time, it's probably very.
Chapter 7: What resources can help me navigate a troubled marriage?
Yeah, it's a context, not an excuse. Right. And I'll also, again, I'll put the ball back in your court. If you're watching somebody you love self-destructing, I've had men show up at my house that my wife called who are close personal friends of mine that said, hey, you are not okay. Right? Because they love me and cared about me.
And my wife had tried and I couldn't hear it or I wouldn't hear it, one of the two. And so I would tell you, like, if you're watching somebody you've known forever that you love as the father of your children, and they're imploding, at least saying, hey, I see this. How can I love you right now? What's happening here? You said you want to leave.
Again, it feels like you don't want to add another thing on his plate. But I think what's more important is the table that that plate is sitting on is crumbling. Yeah. Right. And so sometimes you turning all the lights on in a moment of accountability, a moment of I see you and I know you is actually a lifeline.
And I guess what I, this may sound harsh, but if you bringing this up accelerates your him leaving you and abandoning your kids and all that, quite honestly, I'd rather that happen now than two or three years more of you burning yourself into ash trying to keep this thing together with someone who's trying to leave. Yeah, that's so true.
And that sounds awful to say because I hope that's not the ending here.
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Chapter 8: How can microhabits improve my relationship?
I hope what's happening is what you're saying is for whatever reason, he's unwinding and and you're just the closest person there. I hate this for you and I hate this for your kids, obviously, but I hope that you're able to like reach across, reach through that electric fence and say, hey, I see you and I love you. But he, I mean, he burned what y'all had to the ground.
Is there any chance he is, whenever somebody tells me this is happening, It's not always, but often it's tied to they are caught up in something that has taken a hold of them. Oh, yeah. That would not surprise me. Alcohol, sports betting, a flirty friend that turned into a one-night stand that turned into, oh, no, I don't know what to do. Yeah.
took out a big business loan and I use some of it for this and some of it for that. Now I'm going to pay it back. Like, like usually our work is slowly dissolving. He didn't want to tell how bad it really is. Usually there's something big looming that a person feels like I've lost control of this and it just starts coming out all over the place. Absolutely. Yeah. What is it?
When I said that, you immediately went, oh, yeah. What is it? Yeah. I would probably say alcohol. Okay. We've had issues with that over the past, I don't know, five, six years of just finding the boundary with it. Okay. And maybe that's part of the call-out. Yeah. So... I can give you a framework for how to have this conversation.
The problem with the framework is it doesn't mean it's gonna go well. It just simply gives you structure for how to do this and makes it the most inviting for somebody to hear it, but it cannot guarantee that they're gonna hear it. Right. Okay, here's the path. And I'll say it real fast.
It's too quick to write down, but this will be the guiding path for any conflict anybody has in any marriage, but especially in this kind of situation. Let him know, I wanna have a focused, direct, hard conversation with you. Can we do that? And whatever boundaries you need to set for that conversation, set them. No screens, no phones. I need you not to drink tonight. Whatever you can say safely.
The second one is, here is what I'm seeing. Number three, here's the story I'm making up about what I'm seeing. Number four, here's how I feel about that. And number five, and this is the kicker, here's what I'm gonna do next. And what that does for you is it regains your autonomy in a situation where you feel completely powerless.
And it owns the fact that you're saying things like, I'm choosing to make up the story that When you told me you wanted to be separated, you don't love me anymore, and you're going to leave our family. I'm making up the story that your alcohol is costing you friends, it's going to cost you your job, it's costing you your marriage, that you're really struggling.
And that way, when you phrase it as, here's a story I'm making up here, it's less about an accusation, but it invites the other person to say, well, that story you're making up actually isn't true, here's the reality. But they don't always take it. Right. Part of me, tell me if I'm crazy. Part of me thinks you're kind of softballing this with me.
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