On today’s episode, we hear about: · A woman trying to convince her husband to get on board with a financial plan · A couple seeking advice on how to balance family planning and a medical career · A woman struggling to tell her husband the truth about their money Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼The Dr. John Delony Show T-Shirts Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne 🥤 Get 20% off at Organifi with code DELONY 🏔️ Head To Poncho Outdoors To Check Out All Their Styles Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: What financial secrets is Kerry struggling to share with her husband?
What up? What's going on, everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Maloney Show. So grateful that you've joined us. We're talking about your mental health, your emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. The show is real people going through real hard stuff.
And for the last two decades, I've been sitting with hurting people, and I'd love to sit down with you. We can figure out what's the next right move.
If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to John Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y, johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and you'll fill out the little internet form, and it will go to Kelly and Taylor's inbox, and hopefully they can get you on the show. All right, let's roll out to Little Rock, Arkansas, and talk to Kerry. What's up, Kerry?
Hey, how are you, Dr. John?
Chapter 2: How can honesty improve financial relationships?
I'm doing great. How about you?
I am doing good. I'd like to be doing better.
Uh-oh, what's going on?
So I am needing and wanting to be truthful and honest with my husband about some credit cards that he doesn't know about, as well as how much money we actually have in our bank account versus what I have told him that we've had in our bank account. Um, and so I just, how bad is it? It's not that bad, but, um, I just, I've, I've been reading your book.
I want to live a non-anxious life and I just don't want to keep this secret anymore. And my original plan was to like get on top of things and then everything would be fine. But now I just, I want to be, I want to be a good wife. I want to be open and honest. And I just, I need his help with the finances and, um, we've got to start from ground zero, I think.
So we'll get to the honesty and integrity part. I appreciate you bringing this up. And by the way, I don't want to let you off the hook, right? You can't lie about this stuff and it's big and it causes a lot of drama. I actually call it financial infidelity because it is a form of cheating, right? But...
There are millions and millions and millions of people across this country in the exact same boat as you, so I appreciate you having the courage to call in because I think you're going to free a whole bunch of people from this burden of the secret, right? Because you're laying in bed next to this guy that you love, and he doesn't know, right? He just doesn't know.
But I want to start with a different question first. Why in the world has he either allowed it or intentionally dumped the entire house's finances on you? Why are you doing this alone?
I guess I would say I'm a stay-at-home mom. And so I kind of take care of all of the household duties and everything. you know, taking care of our kids and kind of everything that I can so that he can just work. And then, I mean, of course he helps with the kids and he helps with the household too. But I think he wants to be helpful with that too.
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Chapter 3: What steps can be taken to confront financial infidelity?
How much of it is him and how much of it is you are desperately trying to prove your worth inside your own home?
Oh, it could be both.
Because I'm beginning to hear more and more and more, and it's not something I expected, but more and more, right? So we all know the data that says men don't help out around the house near as much as women do, right? We all know that. But I'm also hearing the other side of the ledger, which is an increasing number of moms choosing to stay home but then having incredible amounts of guilt about it.
And so about this idea that they don't have any worth financially. They're not contributing financially to the house. in like a tangible dollar amount. And I feel like women have bought this lie that has never existed before in human history, which is not your worth is found in love and connection. By the way, men have bought this lie too, but it's get your finances right, get your career right.
And then after those things are done, then you can deal with this. Are we gonna have, am I gonna find a mate or a partner? Am I gonna have kids and do family stuff? And so when somebody comes home their orientation is still career first, finances first. And so I'm seeing more and more women try to grab everything. Like, I'm going to be the CEO of this house is the language I hear.
And because I've got to prove that I'm worth staying home even though I don't have income. Is that you?
I'd say sort of me because he is so gung-ho about me being home and raising our kids. But I think that there's still a part of me that just wants to prove that I can do this, I can handle this, and be the CEO of my home and show them that I can do this, I guess.
Carrie, you're going to drown in your own house.
Yeah.
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Chapter 4: How do societal expectations affect stay-at-home moms?
Yeah, that's the big part.
What was your career before you decided to stay at home?
I had just worked administrative in some doctor's offices. Yeah.
So that makes it even worse, right? Because you've been doing billing and collections and all that for your whole career, right?
Yeah.
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Chapter 5: What advice does Dr. Delony give about financial transparency?
Um, I remember the first time I had a spreadsheet up of, I used to have multiple budgets that I was running at various universities and there was multiple, multiple tens of millions of dollars across all these accounts and, um, income and receivables and outflows. And, and I remember leaving up the spreadsheets once and my wife was like, how is this possible?
You can't balance a checkbook in our house. And yet you're, you know what I mean? So I get it. I've been there. Um, Let me ask a hard question.
Okay.
Your husband really wants you to stay at home. Yes. And you want to be – I heard you say this. You want to be a quote-unquote good wife.
Yes.
Do you want to stay at home? Or have you tried this experiment and you don't like it?
No, I love it. I feel more fulfilled than I ever have in my entire life.
Okay. So walk me through – The slow steps towards not telling the truth, putting something on a credit card, I'll pay for it next month, and suddenly, oh, no, I'm way over my head.
So it started last year. Last year and around the summer is when we decided that it's possible for me to be a stay-at-home mom. I had my first child earlier in the year last year. Um, and so I didn't really realize or know how to manage our money at that point.
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Chapter 6: How do Kerry's and her husband's roles impact their financial dynamics?
Zero what?
Like our bank account was zero.
Oh, okay. So you had no money left in your account. He didn't know that?
Yeah, and it kind of blew up, and I was like, okay, well, I can fix this. I can get on top of it. And I have a hard time, on a side note, I have a hard time saying no to him because he doesn't know what we don't have, and he wants to get this or do this, and so I don't want to be the officer of being like, no, we can't do that.
No, but you want to be the CEO. That's the CEO's job.
I guess I can't balance that well.
Right. Well, and I guess I want to push back on this need to have a quote unquote CEO. There is somebody that needs to like, like my wife actually hits send on the bills, right? And if I get a bill from the, I don't know, somebody came and fixed our sprinkler the other day and I just forwarded the bill to her. She actually goes in and pays it, right?
So I get that sort of CEO-ness or, hey, we got to get somebody to fix the ceiling fan or something. Then, She'll actually reach out and call and do all that kind of stuff. So I get that kind of stuff every day. Money is too intimate. It's like saying, hey, you just deal with all the sex in our marriage.
You tell us what kind we're going to have, when we're going to have it, and what I need to be wearing. And that would be so lonely and isolating. Money is that intimate. Because it dictates reality. It dictates where y'all are headed as a couple, what y'all are building together. It dictates safety and security. It dictates pleasure and joy.
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Chapter 7: What challenges do Anna and Henry face in balancing family and medical careers?
Good, how are you?
We're just figuring it out, man. All right, so what's going on? Whoever wants to go first, go first.
Okay, I guess I'll start. So our overall question is just, kind of like needing advice on how do we figure out when to have kids or if we should wait given our medical school and residency timeline.
Tell me about that.
Um, I guess for background, I'm a second year medical student and, um, he is applying to medical school right now. Um, and so it just, it's kind of complicated.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, because I'm thinking of... You're applying now, Henry? Have you already taken the MCAT and everything?
Yeah, that's correct. I already have interviews and everything like that.
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Chapter 8: How can young couples navigate family planning during medical residency?
How are they intertwined? Do you feel like your faith is suggesting... that your faith tells you you need to have kids now, like that your most important role will be a mom, like a family, like, like walk me, I don't understand the connection between where you go to church and this call to have kids, but also to be a doctor.
It's, I think it like, it's more of like, like our faith is, it just, um, is very important. Not that it's like necessarily the most important. Um, but to me it feels more important than my job.
Um, being a mom.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
So how are you navigating that, that call, if you will, or that feeling?
I don't, I don't know. Okay. Um, it makes it hard with school for sure. Um, it's, I mean, my husband would definitely say that I struggle with like finding ways to like keep going with school because it's just like, I'm kind of having a hard time balancing it.
Okay. I'm going to say something that's going to get me in trouble on the internets and I don't really mind anymore. Is that okay? Yeah. I want you to put aside any sort of cosmic messaging you think you may be getting or not getting. Okay. I want you to put on just a few blinders here. Okay. Just you and me and a couple million people listening. That's it. Okay. Okay. Can you drop your shoulders?
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