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Chapter 1: What challenges does a woman face after her husband's infidelity?
My husband started doing jiu-jitsu, peptides, testosterone, and then marijuana. He started having panic attacks and paranoia. He'd be waiting for me on our bed, like, okay, I'm ready to listen. Basically, just try to, like, violence me out to admit to cheating.
What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I hope you are doing well. Hope you're doing better than well. Hope you're doing great. And I'm grateful that you're here pulling up a seat, trying to figure out what's the next right move for you, for your marriage, for your family, for your kids, whatever you got going on, for your job, whatever's going on.
Thanks for being here. If you want to be on the show, I would love to have you on. I don't answer personal things on social media, but you can click the link in the show notes, whether you're on YouTube or the podcasts, and it will send you to the link where you can fill out what's going on, the form, fill out what's going on in your life, and we can get you on the show.
Let's go to Beth in Colorado. Hey, Beth, what's going on?
Hi, thank you so much. I'm really thankful that I have your time today and get to talk to you.
Well, I'm grateful I get to talk to you. What's going on?
My question is, after a divorce involving my husband's infidelity, how honest should I be with my young kids about what has happened?
Tell me what happened.
I'm going to give you a lot of context. If I'm giving you too much, just tell me. Okay. Because I want to set this up to explain what they've seen and been through, but I'm an oversharer, so...
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Chapter 2: How does sobriety affect a wife's feelings towards her husband?
I just, I was starting to wake up to that. And then he started going back on the work that he said he was going to do. He was not doing it. And so it was just like that. So then that caused me to go to my husband and say, like, I'm done with this. You're not respecting what I need. You're not keeping us safe.
And the kids and I are going to be moving out for two months and I'm separating from you. And so... he really flipped out and he actually said, Oh, if you're doing this to me, we need to tell, I'm telling the girls, I'm telling the girls, which is my, at the time, um, eight and seven year old. And so they're already in bed and he goes into their room and says, mommy has something to tell you.
And so I'm like put on the spot. I wasn't prepared to talk to them in that setting. And I just said, well, remember how daddy told you he broke mommy's trust and Daddy has not done the things that he needs to do to build Mommy's trust back.
So we're going to go stay at this really cool house with a pool, and we're going to take some time away so that Daddy can work on building that trust back with Mommy.
Okay.
And it's just for a little while. And my husband was saying like, this isn't what I want. Mommy planned this without me. Mommy's doing this and I don't think it's a good idea. And we just have to pray and like traumatizing them. They were sitting in his lap crying with him and he's crying. And so finally, you know, he had to work in the morning. I stayed in there until he would leave.
And then I just laid with them and sang to them and cried with them. Sure. And so that has happened. They've been through that. That's why that's important. So we went and stayed at the Airbnb while he was having these mental breakdowns still. And so he actually emailed me all this, you know, confessions saying,
And I said, well, while you seem to be being honest, tell me about any and all other cheating that has occurred. And he said, okay, you're right. When we were in church a week before I moved out, he left church, left the kids and I at church and said he was going to go get a protein bar at the gas station and was gone for a little while, came back.
In this email, he says, well, when I left for the protein bar, I actually went to the gas station and had some stranger give me oral sex in the car. My kids' car seats were in this car. And came back and met us at church. And so I started... All right, let's stop here.
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Chapter 3: What are the consequences of cutting off a father for a daughter?
Okay? And what I don't want you to do, and it's very common, it happens all the time, I want you to not make these decisions, quote unquote, for your kids because they can't carry that weight. I want you to make this decision for you because it's right.
I just think that the worst thing I could do for my kids is get divorced.
That's incorrect. The best thing you could do for your kids is get them away from this maniac. Okay. Okay.
Yeah.
And you have to acknowledge the fact that this person blew your life to smithereens.
Right.
You didn't do it. What you are doing is responding to a house that got hit by a tornado.
Right.
And if he wants to set up a tent on top of the wreckage that was your former house and yell and scream and get mad at you for not living in that tent with him, he can do that all he wants.
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Chapter 4: How does a mother explain divorce to young children?
Mm-hmm.
Right? Like, if this happened in my house, I'd buy the house next door.
Right.
Right? Like, I'd want to be in my kid's life as much as possible. Mm-hmm. The fact what he asked for was so ridiculously low that the judge is like, okay, good for you, dummy. Right? And so I want you to see you won that. Okay. You've got full custody with every other weekend for a few hours at your house.
Mm-hmm.
right? He can't drive them around. He can't take them unsafe places. He gets to play house in your house. Right. And so, and that's going to be until the divorce hearing. Most judges are very reluctant to take away the ability for their kids to at least put their eyes on a parent unless they are patently unsafe. And he's proven he's unsafe when it comes to driving.
He's proven it's unsafe in other areas. Um, but if he threatens your life again, I want you to call the police. Okay. I want that documented for you. If he threatens the safety of your kids, I want that to go to the police immediately. Okay. You're doing all the right things as, as you, I don't know that you need to tell your kids a whole lot because they're absorbing all of this.
What I told them when I did talk to them when I decided it was going to be a divorce and I just kind of looked up scripts online and I tried not to sound scripted. But I just said, mommy and daddy haven't been able to solve their adult problems while being married. And so we're not going to be married anymore. That's called a divorce.
And mommy and daddy still love you and you will still get time with both of us. And your job is just to be a kid. You don't have to fix these problems or figure out whose fault it is. You know, any question they had, I just tried to kind of say those same words in different ways. I just, it's like, I'm their source of stability and consistency and safety and
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Chapter 5: What steps can be taken to rebuild trust in a marriage?
get a big, get a big, but you know what? Hang on the line here. I'm going to see if my friends at Cozy Earth, they're a show sponsor. If they can send you one of their big giant, it's the most amazing blanket. My 10-year-old daughter is obsessed with all of the family getting underneath it to watch an episode of a show at night.
That would be awesome.
And I'll see if we can get them to send you one and hook you up with them, okay? I'm going to reach out to them personally, but I think they're going to send one to you guys. But getting into a routine where in the evenings, we all pile under this huge blanket. We all go out in the backyard and throw water balloons on Friday nights.
Those tiny little things, they're not big grand announcements, but they're little bitty things that will begin to re-anchor a kid. And they should be re-anchored to two of you, but they're going to only be anchored to one of you. Is this woman is safe. My mom is safe.
Okay.
Right? Yeah. And when you find yourself sobbing your freaking eyes out, don't cover that up for them.
I've let them see me cry and that's one thing I think does actually help them.
Yes.
And they'll say, are you missing daddy? And I say, yes.
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Chapter 6: How can a parent maintain a relationship with a stepmother while avoiding contact with their father?
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All right, let's go out to Jessica in Denver, Colorado. What's up, Jessica? How's it going? Just rocking on to the break of dawn. How are you?
Oh, just fine.
What's going on?
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Chapter 7: What are the emotional impacts of family dynamics on children?
But yeah, I guess to summarize, there's just a lot of communication struggles that we have. Um, and I feel like looking back, I would definitely get frustrated and just drink and then we wouldn't deal with it.
And so now I'm wanting to deal with it and he's not wanting to, and I'm seeing him now not drinking excessively, but I just feel like he's going down some following some of the same patterns I, I did. I don't know if that makes sense.
Let me ask you a different question. Is that okay?
Yeah, yeah.
Now that you have this cataract of alcohol pulled from your eyes, are you finding yourself not liking this guy or not respecting this guy? And alcohol, his drinking has become the thing that you laser in on because it gives you permission to just like, I don't like this guy.
Yeah, probably a little bit.
Okay. What I want you to do is to And I know this is a core part of AA, but be careful of the judgment part.
Yeah.
And take more honest stock in. I've spent this many years with a guy that maybe I blame my drinking on my teaching job, but it may have been more for my home life too.
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Chapter 8: How can one navigate complex family relationships post-divorce?
In fact, it makes them more fun, right? And it's annoying to my friends to quit drinking. And I've had conversations late at night with guys who are like, I wish I could have one beer and it made me fine. Yeah, yeah. But I have one and I wake up three days later, coked out of my mind, right? So like some of that might be you letting that story go.
But the bigger issue here is I wanna have a real conversation. You white knuckle it, you've done your work, it builds, it builds. And then a thing happens in your home and you're like, I wanna talk about this now. And he's like, dude, it's eight o'clock. It's nine o'clock. I don't want to have this conversation.
And so by backing all the way out and saying, okay, Saturday, I've, and this isn't, oh, I get it. I've arranged childcare. Saturday, you and I are going somewhere else. I've already set it up. And we need to have a hard conversation about the state of our marriage and where we're headed. And if he says, no, I will not have that conversation. Then you have been given a path in front of you. Yeah.
You're going to have to make peace with the answer to your or what statement.
Yeah, I think that's the part that's kind of holding me back a little bit.
Well, it's right because there's a reality to this. And that's why I'm saying the rest of it is just theater. Yeah. It's a way to burn off a bunch of emotional energy and never solve the core problem.
Mm-hmm.
And what that does is it tills the soil for resentment.
Mm-hmm.
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