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Chapter 1: Can a marriage survive without sex?
When we were first together, it was pretty awesome. Sex, relationship, everything. And then about 20 years ago, he started having issues in the bedroom. The way I hear you talking about your husband is accusatory and blaming, and it lacks a compassion that makes me sad. What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. As we're recording this, the world is melting down.
And I think it makes this show even more important. A place where we're going to pull up a seat and try to figure out what's the next right move. Because screaming, yelling, running around, it's not just adding chaos to chaos. And that's what this show is, man. Pull up a seat, real people with real challenges. We're going to figure out what's the next right move, man.
What is the next right move for all of us? If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. And I got power back in my house after the Nashville storms. Kelly, you're all good? Yeah, we only lost power for just a few hours. All right, I'm done talking to you. I'm just kidding. It's cool. It's like a competition. I know, yeah. My situation was worse than yours.
That's what people ask. How was your ice storm? I was like, we only lost power. I feel apologetic. Yeah, sorry. Because my power company's great, so I feel apologetic about that. Last night, I was at the comedy club, and somebody in the green room was like, oh, I'm I'm out for the next week still. And I was like, Oh, okay. I'll just be quiet here. Right.
It's like, but yeah, it's not like a, a race to see who got it the worst. It's like a, it should be a race to how can we take care of each other? So it's awesome. Thank you for all the calls that you, you in text, you sent me telling me how you were worried about me, Kelly. I sent you a text and asked how you guys were doing. I said, thank you.
And I didn't get an answer back for a week because you were hunting while your poor wife and daughter were pioneering it. All right, let's go out to Austin, Texas and talk to Anne. What's up, Anne? Thank you so much for having me on your show. Of course. I'm a big fan, and my daughter's actually an even bigger fan. She's the one that turned me on to your show.
She's been listening for a long time. Who does that make for awkward conversations between you and your daughter? Are y'all pretty cool? We are super cool. Yeah, super cool. And nothing's really awkward with us. We know, I think, pretty much everything about each other, which makes it a wonderful relationship with us. That's a whole other phone call. Okay, so what's up? Yes, it is.
So I am in a relationship for over 30 years now, married for about 28 years. And when we were first together, it was pretty awesome. Everything, sex, relationship, everything. And then about 20 years ago, he started having issues that he wasn't even being honest with me about in the bedroom. A rectal dysfunction? Yes, sir. That's what it is. And it wasn't too bad in the beginning.
And, you know, I finally, after a couple of years, finally got him to see a doctor and And he gave him some different things to try. And at first it worked, but then a couple of years into it, it didn't. Nothing, nothing works now. He's completely dead. Like there's dead down there. There's nothing, nothing happening.
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Chapter 2: How can I communicate effectively with my spouse about work?
Like if you're with somebody fully and their body is struggling, that's y'all's struggle, right? But it also can reveal, oh, we're not together on anything anymore. And for most of us in our lives, we don't know how to talk about money. We don't know how to talk about shared values. We don't know how to have conversations about, I really don't feel like hiking, but you know what? You do.
And I've never felt bad after a hike, so let's go, right? Or I don't like watching TV, but you know what? Tonight, you pick a show, right? There's a togetherness. And sex is often the only thing we have left. So I guess what I want to start this conversation with is, and it becomes the epicenter. I want you to own. You have not been cheated out of anything.
You have chosen repeatedly to stay by the side of the guy you married. That's true. And your path out of this will be full 100% you owning your choices. Okay. And so you haven't been cheated on anything. You've chosen to stay. He did. Okay. And so let's just own it.
And for whatever reason, whether he's got medical issues, psychological issues, going through great depression, whatever he's going through, he has also made choices. Right. And you can be heartbroken by his choices. You can be frustrated by his choices, but I never want you to lose sight of this. You get to decide what you do next and you have to own that decision. Right.
And that to me is about maintaining character and integrity and dignity, regardless of what you do next. And so if we back all the way out, y'all haven't been together. Y'all haven't been united. Y'all haven't been anchored into the same block ever, right? Or maybe since you were very, very first married. So this is just how I feel about it.
Like in the beginning, I was just 21 in the beginning of all this. And Lost my father at a young age, and he came into my life, and he was like everything I was lacking, pretty much, and then some. Does he want to be married to you? Yes. If behavior is a language, does he want to be married to you? I think so. I'm...
when, when I left him before he did nothing but pursue me, he wouldn't leave me alone until he got me dating him again and back in the house. And you know what I mean? Like with him again. Um, I don't know what you mean, like sleeping with him again. I did. Um, and he actually, it was, it was actually kind of better at that point. Um, and then I moved back in and then
Someone told me if you move back in without trying to, you know, work out the problems that caused it to begin with, it's going to happen all over again. And it did. It's hard to get him into counseling. I even talked to him about counseling. And he's like, sure, I'll go with you. And I'm like, I think you need to go on your own, too. And I do.
Like, we both need separate counseling as well as together to work it out. But if behavior is a language, what he's telling you is I want you. I do. Mm-hmm. But I'm not interested in doing the work that I need to do physically, emotionally, spiritually. I'm just not, I'm not into it. No, he's not. I've even said that because we're Christians.
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Chapter 3: What challenges arise when one partner is in recovery?
Because his career hasn't gone well. He knows that we're not great. He thinks his kids hate him for different things. That's another phone call, like you said. Here's what he knows for sure, 100%. He knows his wife doesn't like him. No, I don't really. I love him. I know. There's a lot of people that I love that I don't like them. Yeah. Right? You're right about that.
And it's hard to do anything when you look over and you know your wife doesn't like you. I actually told him the one night when he was trying to kiss me. I was like, I'm not even attracted to you. And I felt so bad about that. What was his response? He was so hurt. He just ignored it, and the next day he didn't talk about it. Yeah. He avoids it. And so here's the path I want you to follow, okay?
Okay. I'm not going to give you permission to leave. You have to take that permission on yourself. What I'll tell you is you have to be honest about the choices you have made. And then you have to be very honest about the choices you're going to make moving forward. Okay. And that begins with a whole bunch of I statements. I want to be married to you and I want to have sex with you.
I want to travel with you. I want to do things other than drink and watch TV with you. I miss you. I'm willing to fill in the blank. The stories I've made up are, you can't get it up. You don't want to have sex with me because you don't think I'm beautiful, because you're lazy, because you don't even care about us, because all those other things.
The story I've made up is, you don't want to be on the same page with me with your money because you think I'm stupid, because you think I'm just your daughter. That's exactly how I felt. All these stories you're making up, It is helpful to look across the table, not in a fight, but in a direct way and say, I've made up these stories. Are they true? And here's the thing.
Some of them will be true. And y'all have to reckon with that. If he had looked at you and said, hey, whenever I lean in to kiss you, you back up. The story I'm making up about that is you're not even attracted to me anymore. If you're a person, and he would have said, that makes me feel bad. And here's what I'm going to do. I'm opening my hands to you. How do I become more attractive for you?
And you'd have to be honest and say, the story you made up is right. I'm not. But it's probably, I've seen jillions of old couples with age spots and their skin sagging off their bodies and they are gross in love. My guess is you are less attracted to his being, his essence, his giving up.
Yeah, it's not real attractive, and he also stopped working on himself, and he's starting to not look even as appealing, but that I can get past. Yeah, but nobody wants to be with somebody who's getting past it. Yeah, that's true. You get what I'm saying? Everything, though, whenever I approach him with anything, maybe it's the way I'm approaching it. I don't know if it's probably my fault.
I don't know, but... It's always an attack. He feels that everything is an attack. He won't have a real discussion, like an adult discussion. It's always, always an attack. And I can't get around it. There's no way. I've tried so many times.
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Chapter 4: How to navigate feelings of resentment in a long-term relationship?
And then we're going to sit down and say, here's the I statements. I miss you. I love you. I want to be with you. And I have made up the following stories. Okay. And I don't know what to do next. That's fair. And then he gets to say, you're right, I don't know. Maybe he'll open up with you about how terrifying it is. I hear this from men all the time.
It's a psychological unspooling when they start the initial stages of struggling with ED. But if you sit down at the table and you've said over and over, You're not doing anything. All you want to do is watch TV. You never want to come do this with me. When you start sentences like this in these moments with the word you, it's an attack.
People wall up or they shut down or they wall up or they grab their sword and their shield and they go to war with you. And then if he says, I don't want to talk. I can't talk about this stuff. I'm not going to counseling. I'm not going back to the doctor. This is my lot in life. Then you get to decide what you do next. The only thing I'll tell you is
Making your choice and then just choosing to stew. Of course, you're going to grieve. Of course, you're going to be sad as bloody hell, all that. But choosing to just stew and resent and anger and blame, that is a recipe for a withered, exhausting life. And I want more for him. I want more for you. I want more for y'all. I want more for your kids, for your neighbors, for everybody.
And by the way, looking at your friends who are on their second and third marriages and be like, look how much fun, dude. Maybe. But as you probably know, very few people know what's actually going on behind closed doors in other people's homes. So keep your eyes on your own paper on this one. Thanks for the call, sister. It's an honor to get to talk to you.
I really would love to know how this follow-up conversation goes. And I would love, love, love to talk to your husband. I spent my career behind closed doors talking with guys in this situation. I'd love to talk to him if he would have the courage to call. We come back. A woman asks how to talk with her husband about her work when he is so dismissive.
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Chapter 5: What are the signs of disconnect in a marriage?
And... When I get home of a day, my husband will ask how my workday went, and it seems like no matter how I answer it, it doesn't land well. Is it not land well because... he pats you on the head and goes, oh, that's cute, you should do real work like me? Or does he not go well because he doesn't want to hear the stories?
Or, especially in police culture, but lots of jobs, there's a lot of internal lingo and you start talking and people don't really know what you're talking about, you know what I mean? Like, where does that come from? I'm not real sure. Like, when I first started in this position, I would share some general information, you know, just talk about the different kind of struggles people were having.
And then he came back with, hey, I didn't sign up to do that job. So I changed and then started sharing like lighthearted, funny co-worker stories. And then it turned into snide comments about having a lot of free time and not working very hard. So at this point, I'm like. I don't really. Then I switched to just good, busy, lots of meetings. And so now he feels like I'm evasive.
And so when I ask about his workday, that's how he responds. Gotcha. So there's a couple of things here. One, I experienced the same thing you did when I started working crisis work. I remember coming home and I told my wife what had happened the night before. She'd been asleep. I got a call out. I showed up at a house. Somebody had died. It was a whole big thing. I was taking care of a parent.
I mean, it was a mess, right? And I could see as I was explaining what was happening that this was an onslaught for her, for my wife. And I remember saying, oh, I remember feeling, I don't know if I said it, it was years ago, I need to keep this to myself, right? Yeah. I need to not talk about this. And what ended up happening was we got real separate real fast. Yeah.
Because I had this whole other world, right? Yeah. And it was easy for me if my wife came home and said, one of my graduate students did this last night. And I'm like, oh, yeah, well, I clean brains up off, right? It was like a, it became this, I felt this weird competitive, like I'm holding all of this in. I have no one to talk to about it, right? Yeah.
So what we had to develop... Dude, we got separate real fast. Yeah. What we had to develop is, in a weird way, some coded language to where she would say... She didn't know the work I was doing, the details of it. She didn't know the... horror and how hard it is sometimes. And like you mentioned, how slow it is. There was nights I did patrol for hours. We did nothing, no calls, right?
So it can also be very boring, right? And we had to, but she never lost interest in me. And so we had to develop with us two things. One, her asking, how was last night? And I would say it was really hard. or it was a slow night. And if I said it was really hard, I wouldn't bury her in details, but she would come give me a hug and just hold me for a minute.
And the second thing that was really important was I had to develop relationships with people that I could talk about this stuff with. And I went through a grieving process because I really wanted all of that to be her. Yeah. And I realized that was unfair. Because like your husband said, she didn't sign up, there's a reason she didn't go into that work. Right. Right? And so...
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Chapter 6: How can we rebuild intimacy after a long period of struggle?
And then you tried to tell him about the high-level activities, and he's like, lame. Yes, yes. Right? And what that says is I'm not interested in you. Which, and again, I don't want to pit your husband against my wife, but when we went through a similar thing, what I got loud and clear is I'm very interested in you, but I can't handle that. Or here's another thing.
When I was a track coach, I was a high school track coach for a few years. I was obsessed. I knew everybody's times, everybody's splits, everybody's every, I was always cranking out. Dude, the guy ran a 47.5, .201. And she finally said, John, I can't tell you how little I care about track times. I just can't.
I care about how excited you are and how much you love your job and what a great coach you are with these young people. I could care less about their times. And so it became a joke in her house. She's like, you got 30 seconds on times go. Right. And I'd be like, okay, he ran really like, or even now I do. She is just not into standup comedy like I am.
But now when I get home from a set, she'll be like, all right, your best joke. I don't want to hear it. Just what was it about? And I light up like a Christmas tree. I'm like, okay, here we go. Right. And so, and I do the same thing for her on the stuff that she's studying and she writes about and stuff. But all I have to say is we are interested in each other.
And we don't have to be interested in the same things each one is interested in. In fact, that makes our marriage more awesome. My concern for you is it sounds like your husband just doesn't care. Yeah. Yeah. That's the way it feels. That's the way it lands. Okay. So the path forward is it's just like I told the previous caller here.
The path forward is just following that simple Terry real framework, which is, hey, honey, I want to have like a just a direct conversation with you. Number one, here's what I'm experiencing. Number two, here's the story I'm making up about it. Number three, here's how I feel about that story. Here's how my body feels right now. Number four, here's what I would like to be different.
And that is a scary, vulnerable thing because you've been overplaying relationships probably since you were a little girl. Pretty much. So like brass tacks. Hey, husband, can we have a serious talk? Oh, okay. Well, what now? Like whatever. I don't know what he's going to say. Or he might say, yeah, of course. I would love to talk to you. I don't know. He might be wonderful.
I've tried to talk to you this way. I've tried to talk to you that way. I've tried to talk to you this way. The story I'm choosing to make up is you don't like me. I'm annoying to be around. You don't have any interest in my life. I'm making up the story. But it makes me feel small. Makes me feel less than.
I would love it if you would give me a path so that we can connect and communicate because I just love chit chat. I just love talking with you. You're my friend. I love you. You see how that's an invitation? Yeah. A very vulnerable, scary, terrifying because he could say, yeah, you're annoying. I don't like you. Or he could gaslight the crap out of you. Of course I like you.
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Chapter 7: What strategies can help in managing stress during wedding planning?
Yeah. Because I feel like trying to respect him, not wanting to know the details is coming across like I'm being evasive. Yeah, but the path through that, there's tension there, right? Yeah. And so you're in a position now where you can't win. I tried to tell you everything. It was too much. I'm trying to hold it back. It's not enough.
And so the only path to peace in your marriage is through that tension. That's where the connection is. And it is, okay, I've tried this, I've tried this, I've tried this. The story I'm making up is you don't like me. Yeah. Will you give me a path so that we can talk and hang out and communicate?
And by the way, once a week, I'm going to go hang out with my girlfriends because I need someone I can talk to about this. Yeah. I have a couple of people that I can talk about, Buffett. And I do, so I at least have that. And it's not so much for me a need to want to go into detail about it with him because I don't know that he'd get it anyway. He has his strong opinions about stuff.
So I'm just at this point trying to navigate. But does he give you space for your strong opinions? No. Not always. No. The answer is no. Yeah. And you should grieve. Because his opinion's right. That's right. You should grieve that. And that's the next one. The story I'm choosing to make up is you think my opinions are stupid. You approach me with judgment, not with curiosity.
My wife and I have different political beliefs, but I know she's smart and she knows I'm smart and I know she's caring and she knows I'm caring. And so when she says something, I'm like, dude, I disagree with that totally. I'm curious as to how she got there. Yeah, I think he's more about getting people on his side or thinking like he thinks. Okay.
And that comes from a profound sense of insecurity. Yeah. And so you telling him, I will always be on your side. There's nobody more on your side than you, than me. And my opinion also really matters. It matters equally with your opinion. And the story I'm choosing to make up is you think I'm dumb. You think I'm uninformed. You think I'm silly. You think I'm a child. And that makes me feel small.
Yeah. Yeah. And my hope is that if you can get beneath the, here's the facts, right? There's an old marriage thing. You can be right or you can be married, right? And when somebody, if there's a disagreement about the dishes and somebody says, hey, you said you were gonna do the dishes and the other person's like, stop yelling at me. And you're like, I didn't yell. And you're like, yeah, you did.
Like, the facts there, if somebody has like a, like a, like a measuring tool that would measure the, you know, the sound and that Rick, the facts don't matter in that moment. What matters is I spoke in a way to the person I pledged my life to that made her feel attacked. I need to solve that. And
She heard something from the person that she pledged her life to that made her body immediately go on the defensive. She needs to dig into that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I can feel your apprehension. What scares you to death about having this conversation with him? past attempts. It's kind of like the previous scholar, you know, very similar to what she was saying.
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Chapter 8: How to support a partner facing mental health challenges?
And people melt. They're like, oh gosh, yeah. Sometimes when people say, hey, here's the story I'm making up. I feel like you think I'm stupid. I feel like you think I'm useless. I feel like you think your job's more important than mine. People, they dissolve. They're like, oh God, I had no idea you felt that way. And sometimes I'll say, yeah, you're right.
It's painful, painful conversation, but it gets everything out on the table. And now we can deal, we can traffic in reality. And if you're married to someone that looks at you and said, yes, I am smarter than you, you are dumb. Then you're going to have to decide, good God, what am I going to do in that reality?
But if you're married to somebody who loves you, who will say, I'll give you a path to how you can love me. I'd like a path on how I can love you. Man, now you're talking, now you're cooking. And by the way, it's not too late to change everything. Y'all still got another 25, 30 years to go. It's not too late. I'd love to hear how this conversation goes. Thanks for the call, sister.
It's going to be a tough one. We come back. A man asks how to support his fiancee's sobriety journey when she's stressed about wedding planning. I'm excited to tell you about a new sponsor for the Dr. John Deloney show, Shady Rays.
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Try the shades rated five stars by over 300,000 people for yourself just in time for spring heading into summer. That's ShadyRays.com. All right, we're back. Hey, like and subscribe to the show and all that kind of stuff. It would really help. Man, I pitched that one. Awesome. All right, let's go out to H-Town, Houston, Texas, and talk to not-so-plain Wayne. What's up, Wayne? Hi there.
How we doing, man? We're doing all right. What's going on? Well, I would say about a month ago, I got engaged to my fiancee, and she's a recovering drug addict. She was addicted to cocaine for four years. Over the past five months, she's been clean and sober, really turned her life around.
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