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The Hauraki Big Show

OUTRO: Beating Off The Cops [R18]

23 Jun 2026

Transcription

Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.

Chapter 1: What disclaimer is given at the start of the podcast?

0.031 - 5.379 Mike Minogue

G'day guys, just a little disclaimer here, old, um, Horty J. No, I knew you were going to say that.

0

5.88 - 10.387 Jason Hoyte

I was going to say Mogi. Mogi's had a shocker.

0

10.567 - 12.39 Mike Minogue

Look, don't listen to it with the kids around, alright?

0

13.471 - 30.817 Jase Hoyt

For all you mad bastards loving the Big Show Podcast, get up even closer on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok. Or Raw Dog It. Four to seven every weekday. On Radio Hauraki. Oh, g'day, fellas!

0

30.837 - 58.373 Jason Hoyte

Batman. Hello. Tuesday. I tell you what, fellas, a lot of dope smoking going on in the city today, walking up to work. By old Jase. By old Stoney. Old Stoneyhead Jase. That is such a good nickname. Stoneyhead. Boy, it's pungent. Just from pretty much the whole journey, but... There's a bit of drama this morning in old Elliott Street. Right. Coming back from the supermarket.

58.453 - 66.402 Jason Hoyte

Always a bit of drama there. Yeah, there's a lot going on. Which is Elliott Street. You know where the supermarket is in town, the Countdown? Down Victoria. Oh, yeah.

66.462 - 67.504 Jase Hoyt

The City Mission is there, I believe.

67.524 - 75.813 Jason Hoyte

It just goes straight across. Yeah. It leads you on to sort of the square. And I was walking along there, done a bit of shopping, and the police van turned up.

Chapter 2: What happened on Elliott Street that caught the speakers' attention?

75.953 - 78.756 Jason Hoyte

Six police officers got out of the van, and I went, ooh.

0

78.736 - 80.84 Mike Minogue

And they went, Jase, Jase, get on the ground, get on the ground.

0

80.86 - 83.986 Jason Hoyte

Get on the ground, on the ground. Get on the ground, stony head.

0

84.147 - 88.756 Mike Minogue

Stony headed. Fashion crime. Those boots. Yeah, what's that you're wearing, you piece of shit? Boots.

0

88.876 - 102.848 Jason Hoyte

I wasn't wearing my boots. I was wearing my slip-ons. But anyway... So you're wrong there, Keezy. Your sketches. So... There were like six of them and I was like, oh, this, and it was, you know, the big police van. I thought, oh, maybe there's a ruckus going on.

102.888 - 110.689 Jason Hoyte

And I was walking along and they all fanned out and went, there's a little sort of car park right next to Elliott Street and they all fanned out into the car park.

110.709 - 111.01 Mike Minogue

I know the one.

111.03 - 127.324 Jason Hoyte

You know the one? Yes. And they were sort of looking around and then one of the general public went, he's there. Pointed at you? No, pointed at this dude in the car park and he was a pretty wild looking fella, I've got to say.

127.344 - 129.128 Mike Minogue

Do you have a case of the stony heads?

Chapter 3: How did the police respond in the situation described?

177.592 - 181.615 Mike Minogue

Was there a way he could have, as the cops were coming over, he could have climbed on a car and run and jumped past them?

0

181.635 - 204.437 Jason Hoyte

Why didn't he just smack them all over? Well, he could have done that. He may very well have done that. We don't know. But these were six fit-looking dudes, and he was a pretty ragged-looking bastard. I don't see him taking out six fit cops. Yeah, okay. Then they were really fit? They were fit. Were they fit? They were fit. That's so cool. They were well built.

0

204.477 - 206.919 Jason Hoyte

They look like they're in top physical condition.

0

206.939 - 221.612 Mike Minogue

Well, hang on. Mogi, you spend a lot of time in the CBD. How come you don't have these adventures? I don't spend a lot of time on the street, to be honest. I had one adventure with one homeless individual, but that was, yeah, I don't know.

0

221.632 - 223.294 Jason Hoyte

Was that the infamous pie scenario?

223.514 - 239.712 Mike Minogue

Oh, there was that one, absolutely. But I mean more recently. No, I don't know. I don't spend as much time on the street. And to be fair, I think it's worse around where Jase is. Yes. That up our end. Without a doubt. Because you're up there. You're there a little bit. You wouldn't have any kind of misadventures. There's one guy outside your work almost daily with a guitar. Oh, really?

239.732 - 250.986 Mike Minogue

Who just wanders in the traffic there. Oh, does he? He's a nice guy. I haven't seen him. Part of me is like, mate, are you just going to play the guitar or what? Because he doesn't actually play the guitar. Right. Because I'm like. Get a fucking skill, bro. You've got all day.

251.026 - 252.428 Jason Hoyte

Well. Get a skill.

252.448 - 253.45 Mike Minogue

That's not what I was thinking.

Chapter 4: What was the reaction of the man being approached by the police?

282.755 - 291.951 Mike Minogue

And the only people that are sitting around and strumming is that guy that was outside your house. Remember that? He was strumming it hard. I don't know what I'd do if I looked out my window and there was just a guy there.

0

292.452 - 293.133 Jason Hoyte

Just join in, man.

0

293.153 - 293.974 Mike Minogue

He was giving it death.

0

294.275 - 300.646 Jason Hoyte

What was surprising about that was the vigorous nature of what he was doing. Sometimes, man. I've never been like that.

0

300.666 - 302.489 Mike Minogue

So he was like really getting after it.

302.609 - 304.172 Jason Hoyte

He was going hammer and tongs.

304.353 - 304.573 Mike Minogue

Wow.

304.853 - 305.294 Jason Hoyte

Bless him.

305.334 - 317.659 Mike Minogue

Like he was punishing himself almost. Yeah, or it's just, I think it was more. You would have been in one of those drug-induced rages, Hoity J, where you're hoiny as you've got no outlet and you're just giving it to yourself at sort of 9 o'clock in the morning.

Chapter 5: What humorous suggestions do the speakers make about escaping the police?

373.318 - 385.559 Jason Hoyte

I think I know pretty much a lot of the people on the streets now. It's good. You don't know any of their names, though. I know a lot of their names. Oh, yeah. You don't know anybody's name here. Who are you? I mean, give me an example.

0

385.919 - 409.116 Mike Minogue

Who's the guy producing for us right now? Wouldn't have a clue. That's Pugsan. Oh, is it? Oh, is that Pugsan? How did you go last night, Keyes? What time did you go to bed, man? Because you were hungover yesterday. My wife and I were watching Grand Designs New Zealand. Oh, yeah. Because I told her about the guy who wrote in about how his wife not only likes the host, but also liked the builder.

0

409.657 - 427.138 Mike Minogue

And so then she was like, well, should we watch the latest episode and try and find the builder? Oh, God, that's not a good song. It was the wrong episode. The builder was like a nice fella. But yeah, it wasn't the same guy. But we watched the last 20 minutes of it in bed on a laptop. And I was asleep by like 9.30. How good. Fuck, it was good. Yeah. I was just like, man, I love my bed.

0

427.358 - 448.336 Mike Minogue

What time did you wake up? 7.30 sleep all the way through yeah wow no I woke up at 3 to go wheeze yes literally this morning my wife was like when you go wheeze you have to like close the door when you leave I was like why the toilet flush wakes me up and also you did a fart last night and that woke me up And I was like, I don't even remember. I sort of like staggered out, went wheeze.

0

448.677 - 457.658 Mike Minogue

Ripped ass. Ripped ass, obviously. Flushed the toilet, then went and got a glass of water. I don't flush the toilet. We don't flush the toilet at night. No, neither do we. We flush in the morning. Unless we do a Grogan.

Chapter 6: What experiences do the speakers share about their own encounters in the city?

457.979 - 469.04 Mike Minogue

Unless it's a massive steamer, yeah. I mean, it's going to sound weird, but I feel like my toilet's very quiet flushing. You know, it's not like a blow. But you wake your missus up, man. That's why she's having a go at you.

0

469.06 - 484.804 Jason Hoyte

She could hear. I think it was more me stirring. My wife said the very same thing to me a month ago. She said, can you shut the door when you do wheeze, please? Yeah. But not even when I'm getting up at night, just in general. Oftentimes. Because it echoes. Do you leave the door open?

0

484.824 - 490.152 Mike Minogue

Well, I do. It echoes because you're right in the center of the water. You're a water aimer as well. Disgusting.

0

490.132 - 518.805 Mike Minogue

no I'm not you're a pig you're a water aimer and you do that weird thing when you're beating off and you're on all fours it's just that I've got a very powerful stream of bullshit it is it was like a fire hose yeah I know mine's not super high PSI I wouldn't say mine's not like like some dudes you listen you're like holy shit I went through a real period of what do you call it there

0

518.785 - 535.63 Mike Minogue

Power pissing? No, the other one where you've got prostate issues. Oh, yes. Staccato. Staccato. Thank you, yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How'd you solve it? Just time. Just ignored it and it went away. Yeah, nice. Yeah, good. Eventually was the answer, so that was good. Yeah, like it's funny when you go to the stadium on Sunday.

535.61 - 553.568 Mike Minogue

With the whas Not the whas And you're going wheeze At halftime at wheeze And it was just like Everyone's there And just like You just notice And I'm not looking or anything But you just notice The nature of certain people's wheeze Yes The guy next to me Was an absolute stallion Yeah He was like 40 something And I was like Jesus that guy I feel like I'm getting splashed on here Yeah

553.548 - 557.534 Mike Minogue

And then the guy next to me was, like, really pathetic, and he was, like, in his early 20s.

557.594 - 576.923 Jason Hoyte

Yeah, but, you know, a lot of people get struck by anxiety wheeze. Stage fright. Yeah, stage fright. And so they're like, oh, I'll never forget. I was umpiring a cricket match, and it was a school match, and I was in the changing rooms for the umpires, and it was a very prestigious school. Just sort of looking through the gaps.

576.903 - 590.676 Jason Hoyte

No, the coach of the team was really this old dude, and he went for a pass in the toilet, and it was the most painful staccato wee I've ever... It was literally like...

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