Episode 28: 6 Reasons Why You’re Stuck If you’ve mastered the “know better” game but somehow can’t crack the code to “do better“, this episode is for you! Hilary digs into the hidden mental blocks that keep you looping back to old habits. Tired of self-help that doesn’t stick? Get ready to uncover the six secret saboteurs standing between you and real, lasting change. Episode Highlights: Hilary breaks down three levels of self-awareness that expose why we keep circling back to old patterns. Blaming external forces? Check. Realizing you’re the common thread? Check. Knowing what to change but still stuck? Triple check. Hilary dives into six reasons why you’re not seeing results—whether it’s not really wanting change, focusing on behavior instead of mindset, leaning on the wrong support, using the wrong methods, finding comfort in the struggle, or holding on to your past identity. Hilary’s challenge: Ask yourself the tough questions about what you’re gaining from staying stuck and whether you’re ready to tell a new story. Episode Breakdown: [00:00] What Makes Change So Hard? [00:21] Three Levels of Awareness: Where Do You Stand? [02:27] The Six Sticking Points to Real Change [11:15] Letting Go of the Old Stories Ditch the excuses, and start rewriting your story today. Want more of Hilary’s game-changing tools? Grab her free, paradigm-flipping resources right here: https://hilarysilver.com/guides/
Chapter 1: What makes change so hard?
Have you ever tried to change a specific behavior, a pattern, or a circumstance in your life, but no matter how much you learn about why you do what you do and how to change it, nothing actually ever really changes? The truth is there are powerful subconscious reasons why you might be holding yourself back from the changes that you wanna make in your life.
Chapter 2: What are the three levels of awareness?
So in today's conversation, I'm gonna share the three levels of awareness and six reasons why you might be stuck doing what I call knowing better, but not doing better, so you can break free once and for all. This one will make you rethink your approach to change. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.
Chapter 3: What are the six reasons why you might be stuck?
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I've come to identify that there are three levels of awareness that we have when it comes to the things that aren't working in our lives. So level one awareness is, it's not me that's the problem. It's not me that needs to change. I'm amazing and confident and aware. It's everything out there that's the problem.
Whether it's your partner, your parents, your kids, your boss, your team, all the men in the world, all the women in the world, all of society or patriarchy, whatever it is. To these people I say, good luck with that. Those people don't tend to like me very much. Level two awareness is when people say to me, Hillary, I know it must be me.
I know I'm the common denominator here, but I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. Please, for the love of God, just tell me what I'm doing wrong. I like these people because they're looking for the answers and they're more likely to succeed.
Level three is when we know what we're doing, why we are doing it, where it comes from, and even what we want to be doing differently, but we still can't make the change. This is what I call knowing better, but not doing better.
And it's super painful and frustrating, more so than ever, because it's like when we're trying to lose 30 pounds, you know you shouldn't eat the junk food, but you do it anyway. And then later you're just like, God damn it, I did it again. You're mad at yourself for eating the chips. It's really hard. So let's talk about why we get stuck. There are six subconscious reasons why we get stuck.
Number one, let's kick things off with the hardest truth. The reason that you might not be changing is that you really kind of don't want to change or you just don't want to change badly enough. So maybe you feel like you should lose weight because society and all the fitness influencers tell you that you should when you actually are kind of content where you are.
So you're going through the motions of trying to change habits and behavior and all the other things, but you don't really want to make it happen. And if you don't really, really want to make it happen, you just won't. And if you want this desired outcome, but you don't want it badly enough, you will only just put in the effort if it's easy or convenient or cheap.
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Chapter 4: How does mindset affect behavior change?
or you don't have to give up anything. So this is what I call dabblers. If you're really not committed to it and you're doing only half-assed trying, you're going to get half-assed results, okay? Because when we really want something badly enough, we are often willing to do whatever it takes.
So if there's a constant something that you're working towards or working on, I would just have you ask yourself this, how badly do I really want this? Most of the time, we do know what we need to do to achieve that thing that we want so badly. It's just what are we willing to do to get it? And that will be your answer that will help you know how much you actually really want this thing.
Number two. you're trying to change your behavior instead of your mindset. Have you ever heard the phrase white knuckling it? That's what this is about. So when you are just focusing on changing your behavior without changing what's underneath your mindset, your mentality, the way you're thinking about things, you will stay stuck.
Chapter 5: Why is finding the right support crucial for change?
So you can make a list of new habits, go through all the motions, but if you're really not shifting how you think about yourself and your potential, It's kind of like memorizing a script to follow instead of just trusting yourself to speak your truth freely. Real change starts with a mindset shift. Instead of asking, how do I make this work? What do I need to do?
Start asking, what do I believe about myself and my life that is keeping me stuck? And what do I need to believe instead? Number three, you haven't found the right support. So here's another reason why people stay stuck. They don't have the right person guiding them through the process. Maybe you've tried therapy or self-help books, but they didn't quite hit the mark. Maybe you've had a coach.
Okay. Having a helper person in your life is great. But if they're not willing to tell you the hard truths because they don't wanna rock the boat or upset you or hurt your feelings or have you fire them, that's a problem.
Real growth requires someone who will call you out, hold you accountable, and help you face the real problem, you, that they will put a mirror in front of your face and help you see what you've not been able to see for yourself. If someone's just giving you feel-good fluff, they're not helping you evolve. You really have to find someone who knows what they're doing
and who's not afraid to be brutally honest with you. The kicker here is that you must be willing to hear the truth, okay? Picking people who pat you on the back and tell you you're doing great and that you're not really the problem and that it's everyone else will only make you feel better temporarily. It will not help you be better.
I'm sure Serena Williams, of course, the best female tennis player in the world, she wants a coach who will actually tell her what she needs to do to be better. who isn't just enamored in telling her how amazing she is, right? Same for us. The same goes true for us. So number four, you're using the wrong methods. It's possible that you're stuck because you haven't found the right approach for you.
We often chase after trendy solutions, whether it's the latest book or... TikTok hack or the latest productivity method or something that your friend swears by. But if it's not actually what you need, it's not going to work, okay? So an example might be that you've tried meditation and exercise because everyone says it's the key to minimizing anxiety and creating inner peace.
But the truth is for you, it just makes you feel more anxious because meditation is hard. And continuing to try because it's supposed to help When it's not actually helping is both denial and sabotage. Einstein said, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results is insanity. I personally think it's denial. If something isn't working for you, you have to switch.
I've heard from so many of my clients over the years that they've not just gone to therapy for years and years. but to even the same therapist for years, 10 years, even 25 years. If it's not working, stop doing it. The subconscious game here is that you're telling yourself you're trying. And when nothing works, you get to say, well, I'm trying.
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